prozac nation

"But it's one thing to be aimless; it's another when you make targeted decisions in spite of your aimlessness. That's when the regrets and backtracking often happen"....

" life is rarely linear, and careers are no different"

more brilliancy from Carolyn Hax, makes me feel slightly better about my poor life decisions. I've kinda mellowed out in the past couple weeks, more like been distracting myself so as not to think too much about things and consequently work myself into a ball of anxiety. In some ways productive (dwelling and worrying and stressing out), and others ways not (becoming nice and comfy in a tolerable yet ultimately dissatisfying life). Although I sort of have some plans and goals mapped out for myself, I'm having trouble making solid decisions, too many options it seems, coupled with paralyzing fear of making the wrong move and failing.

I wish people were more real.

Eh, I'm a Debbie Downer these days, even my friends think I'm not as witty, a shell of my former self. Perhaps drugs would help.

I've set out a painting to taunt me into working on it, got ideas still a-churning, assuming I get the motivation to get them out.

not a loser

I am unsure how it is possible for me to start exercising regularly (relatively, as in 2-4 days/week), choosing and preparing healthier meals at least more frequently than before, quit working at a bakery where I'm constantly surrounded by tempting sweets in which I did indulge, and not only gain weight which I had hoped to attribute mostly to increased muscle, but also seem to be in possession of jeans that were granted -snug-, but had to be squeezed into today with difficulty and are now -tight-. Am so not going to win any weight reducing contests. Also decided against the gym challenge b/c I am planning on being in CA visiting former roommate/friend Betsy on the last day of the contest rendering me unable to do the weigh in.

Oh well, am not letting it get me down. I figure it must be some sort of fluke, or maybe the double, no triple serving of fries the other day along with pizza, a cheeseburger, and 2 mini sloppy joe's. Hey, it was my free day.

I saw Cat Power last night, she was great, her voice live was amazing and she was very endearingly quirky and not too drunk.

Well, on the advice of my shrink I'm trying to be more aware of my brain output. It seems however, that my former crush of last winter is throwing a party to which I am not invited, and I am not sure as to why since I am not actively crushing on him and our sparse interactions over the past year have been amiable. Possible oversight I suppose, which has been the consensus among mutual friends, slight chance that could be b/c he is very good friends with he who dicked me around broke my heart last spring. Who knows, but of course I had to agonize over it for a good hour or five. It is hard to attempt to distance myself from brain output.

overthinking

If there are any of my vast readership that are a member of goodreads and actually browse the site, I highly recommend reading this young lady's reviews. I find them to be quite hilarious and smart, here's the link...
http://www.goodreads.com/profile/Jessica

So now that I have this diagnosis, I find that I can conveniently use it as a viable excuse to cover a wide variety of sins and unhealthy behaviors.... until I'm healed that is.

failed relationships or lack of remotely healthy romantic relationships-dysthymia
binge drinking and consequent obnoxious/embarrassing behavior-dysthymia
staying in a dead-end job for several years-dysthymia
crippling anxiety and fear-dysthymia
desire to shut my brain off-dysthymia
inability to stay awake past 9 p.m. watching a movie or television-dysthymia
feeling socially inadequate-dysthymia
lack of movation create art-dysthymia

to name a few anyways. My goal, by the by, is to be charmingly self-deprecating and not someone who can't function in life. In case anyone worries about me. There is such a fine line between charming self-deprecation and patheticness. What I mean is, I'd like to be self-deprecating in such a way that is humorous and relateable, in a way that makes people think "ha, yeah, I feel like that sometimes too". Clearly I think way too much about this.

And to answer your question, Jenni, from what I read drugs were obviously an option, and talk-therapy.

Anywho, I'm trying to decide whether or not to sign up for this challenge at my gym. I would be in a team of three (increasing the pressure to succeed). I could potentially win $50, or a massage. I'm already part of the biggest loser contest in my office (which I'm certain I'm NOT going to win, especially since I don't have the advantage of not having an intestine like a couple others in this here office). However, I have been more consistently hitting the gym and eating healthier meals, and this gym competition might just get me to kick it in high gear. I need to decide by monday.

there may be hope

I'm fairly certain that I'm dying...currently experiencing an out of the blue endless coughing fit that I'm certain means cancer- throat cancer, I probably have tongue cancer as well. I am a taurus after all. Well, if I do die, I hope people show up at my funeral.

I stopped at my former bakery of employment this morning to pick up my tips and say hello to my friends. The cute barista was working and I mentioned the seeing him at the Turf, awkward and brief small talk followed in which I told him that I meant to say hello but didn't. Then when I got to work I put my coffee on top of my car while I gathered my things and it fell off and spilled all over me, a pleasant start to the day.

Coughing fit is over, I feel more positive about my chances of survival today.

In other news, saw my new shrink yesterday for the first time, and if our time together was an accurate indication of future appointments then I feel quite positively about her. She seems to have a more applicable approach as opposed to my last shrink who just sat there in ucomfortable silence with me for the majority of my session without offering me any help on what I'm supposed to DO about my state (and I also got the sense she was after my money). She diagnosed me as having dysthymia, which my very first shrink from a few years ago also told me and makes sense I guess, I have always felt that I'm kinda slogging along through most of my adult years, always thinking things could be a little brighter and better. I guess I've been under the impression that that is pretty normal but what do I know. A description follows below in case anyone cares....

"Rather, you might tend to be inactive and withdrawn , you worry frequently, and criticize yourself as being a failure. You may also feel guilty, irritable, sluggish, and have difficulty sleeping regularly.
Dysthymia is a milder yet more enduring type of depression that affects women two to three times more often than men. The diagnosis is given when a person has had continuous depressed mood for at least two years. For children, the duration only needs to be one year, and their mood may be irritable rather than sad or depressed. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that it seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has had this condition for a number of years. Because dysthymia may develop early in a person's life, it is not uncommon for someone with this condition to believe that it is normal to always feel depressed. They often to do realize that the quality of their mood is anything out of the ordinary. This illness often goes unnoticed and, therefore, untreated."

shifting patterns

Okay, so as much as I do enjoy wallowing in my self pity, I do realize that it is not all that attractive or productive to sit around and self-loathe. So I'm going to try my hand at changing my thought patterns on the advice of my good pal Jenni, and hopefully with the help of my new shrink, who I see for the first time tomorrow.

Although in thinking about changing my thinking patterns I came to the conclusion that I would be a failure at changing my patterns, which is reinforcing my current patterns. *sigh*

This would be my first official week back to full time office slogging. I miss my bakery friends and the variety of working there was nice. I do not lament no longer waking up at 4:15 a.m. however, or being on a more regular sleeping schedule.

Speaking of bakery...cute bakery barista was spotted out and about at local venue where my friend's band was playing. I kept meaning to go say hello, but I guess kept waiting for the right moment, although I have no idea why a right moment is needed for a simple "hey". Well, he ultimately left (with his presumed girlfriend), so I missed my opportunity. I still managed to have a righteous time with nice punk boys, even if the music wasn't quite up my alley.

There was some nasty rotting fruit or vegetable in my car this morning. My car also smells like a stale ashtray even though I always leave the window cracked so that it will air out.

Umm, caucus tonight. I'm going. I think.

where there's a will, there's a way

2008, the self-proclaimed "year of Shawna", looks quite a bit like 2007 so far. Oh, I have plans, and goals my friends, plans and goals. Unfortunately, I know myself, and myself seems to be quite adverse to change, fearful of failure, and therefore quite self-defeating. I mean really..the negative self-talk is fertile (fat, ugly, pathetic, a dissapointment), must blame family of origin for that of course so as to feel justified in wallowing.

Clearly have not found new shrink yet.

Have, however, exercised three days this week thus far. Not a New Years resolution (more of an all the time goal), but have been recruited by co-worker to start "diet" with her, which has been surprisingly decent motivation to not eat exhorbitant amounts of sweets and to actually exercise...thus far. Number on the scale this morning also should be sufficient motivation. We shall see. Am hoping for a repeat of last winter post holidays, when pounds left my body mysteriously and I was at my thinnest I've ever been, was feeling better about life then too..*sigh*.

Am missing my smoking porch. Was such an indulgence to sit and drink on that scuzzy porch, it was my refuge. I don't even have a photo of it. Am missing fun house parties of last year, as well as more abundant social life.

Former roommate Betsy and I have been wracking brains (sort of) in pursuit of a creative outlet that will garner us much in terms of money...book, witty independent screenplay, etc. If only I could write better, or actually DO something, well, other than watch TV on DVD or read Carolyn Hax chat archives for even one evening. Wish I had some sort of musical talent, then could at least form a fun band and make cute hipster boys swoon. Where there is a will, there is a way.

I truly believe right now that I will be putting in my notice at the bakery tomorrow. Feel like I'm making a good decision other than that I will look like a complete dissapointment mostly to my family. My debt is scaring me though and being an office slog pays considerably better.

Am heading south tomorrow to go to former roommate Jake's band's cd release party in quaint town which will dreg up those fond/yet painful memories that often occur as a result of failed romance.

If being sad and bitter is wrong, I don't want to be right.

slacking, slogging

I want to shut my brain off for a while, get a good nights sleep, relax without feeling guilty that I should be doing something productive or worthwhile or creative or self-improving or world improving all the time. Not that I'm not plenty lazy cause I am. I totally feel scattered right now, and I'm starting to wonder if that feeling ever ends. A big part of me wishes I could erase the past year of my life and re-live it, making better choices, even though as far as my psychological state it was probably one of my better years. Was in school, had good friends, meeting new people, felt sorta purposeful. I don't know if I'm just not dealing well with transition/changes. I feel restless, doubting myself, which is not new but I thought I had a handle on it. I don't know, maybe I need drugs or something.

In any case I find myself turning my wheels figuring out my next move, of course who knows if any plans I'm formulating will actually come to fruition, another fear of mine. I wish I hadn't gone to school last year. I enjoyed it and like the work, but I had my doubts when I started the program and wish I had listened to my gut I guess. My student loans are scaring the bejeezus out of me and I want to figure out how in the world to make a significant dent in paying those suckers off (and then possibly go to grad school consequently racking up more debt, haha). Right now that kinda looks like quitting my low paying bakery job (a replacement job wouldn't be much higher paying if at all), and going back to full time well paying office work. Frankly the bakery job isn't really challenging me that much anyways as far as gaining knowledge in the field, however I then feel like a let down by not using the education that I just paid money for/invested time in. A big part of me thought just wants to put in my 8-5, not have to wake up butt early in the morning, have a life again, pay off my debt/save some money.

I just ditched my shrink. It's probably me but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with her. My last and one other shrink experience I also felt like we didn't click but at least she gave me practical ways to improve the things that were unsatisying even though I never felt like I was getting to the root of my issues. I think I will try to find a new shrink, and one with a sliding scale fee.

I remembered

I guess it isn't very funny, but I saw my doctor at the local coffee shop, and I wasn't sure if I should say hey. I mean the woman is cool and all, and she's seen my crotch and felt me up in a doctorly way...I ended up ignoring her, was that rude?

hey girl

Watched what some may call trashy (others may call touching and heartbreaking) television show 'shot of love' with Tila Tequila last night. I'm prepared to be thoroughly entertained at my base level by this.

I felt like I had something funny to write about that happened yesterday, but it has left my brain.

I have developed an attraction to this new barista at the bakery I work at, he looks uncannily like the boy who just brutally rejected me. I find myself feeling more self-conscious then usual which leads to resulting 12 year old behavior...being tongue tied around him, nervously giggling, etc.

Well, I'm trying to better myself in order to feel less inclined to self-loathe as I have kinda fallen into the habit of lately. Hoping that my goal of exercising regularly will actually take for more than a week and have found a "life drawing" group to get back into drawing and possibly inspire me to do some painting. I'm not real fond of my shrink, I don't feel like we click that well, then she told me I seem lonely and sad (which in my mind translated to pathetic) and I got offended even though she clearly didn't mean it in that way. I guess I get irritated b/c she seems to infer that I don't want to be there and am making excuses to not come more often, which is due to lack of funds but she's not buying it. She keeps telling me I need to come more often, mentions that she could possibly reduce my copay, but when I tell her I can't afford to come more often with my copay being what it is she's like, "well then, I guess we'll just have to make due" and makes no more mention of reducing the copay as if I'm lying or something. In any case, I'm shopping for a new shrink.

I missed my own blogiversary

Well, that's a bummer.

I'm still kinda slogging through my days at this point...sleep deprived and melancholy. Maybe I'll get my groove back one of these days, but winter approaches and the outlook isn't great.

a lack of creativity

Hmmm, well, my shrink seems to think I'm depressed, which yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk but I don't think it is something more then a down period. Well, whatever, she's only seeing/hearing one part of me, one of my "selves".

Badlands was freakin' awesome. This summer has been chock full of fun activities, too bad I've been in a funk, not that it has prevented me from enjoying things just kinda like a little cloud hanging over me adding a bit of an edge I spose.

This weekend may prove to be interesting...hopefully in a good way and not a bad way.

Other than that feeling an overall lack of creativity, tiredness, etc., doesn't lend much inspiration for blog posting.

reveling in my angst

Been listening to lots of angsty music lately to go along with my angsty mood I've been in for the past couple months...decided to go back to see a shrink though, thought it was about time. I've just been off lately, seem to have lost my zest and trying to get myself back on track I guess, back to a time when I was feeling good about myself and my life.

Going to the badlands this weekend with Cas and Jenni. Should be an interesting time. We are camping and I'm having a difficult time imagining the scenario, I imagine us pitching our tent someplace barren and rocky. I really want to see a big horn sheep.

at last

Here I sit in my new home...Almost cried today when my old landlord said the oven wasn't clean enough, not for me, but for Jake and Kat who scrubbed that thing for a good hour. Yeah, felt a range of emotions last night, it's kinda crazy when moving, and you get to the final stages where you feel like all your possessions are breeding and you will never get everything moved and everything clean, and you feel really guilty for just chucking stuff into the garbage that could be recycled but you just can't care anymore. Then, everything is clean and sparkling and you wonder why the place became such a shithole in the first place, not that our place was a shithole, but it could have used a little upkeep. I'll miss my roommates and that house, I certainly had some good times there, it was a little college-ey, but hell, why rush into adulthood when you can pretend to be a recent college grad and have some fun. Yeah, I got a little choked up last night after Jake and Kat had left and I enjoyed my last cigarette on the 'ol smoking porch, where I spent much of my time. Enough nostalgia, I must attend to my bunions and read some Harry Potter.

guess I'm in a talky mood today

So, I've been reading through some of my archives as I tend to do from time to time and realize that my blog kinda sucks. It's like reading a journal from high school or early college when you thought you were at least a relatively smart and thinking person and seeing in plain print how immature you were. At least there is still some entertainment factor in that, if you can laugh at yourself that is, which I fortunately seem to be able to do for the most part.

I'm really tired of (kindly) telling nurses what they do wrong in their charting only to be completely ignored as they continue to make the same mistakes.

How does one get over feeling completely rejected? Yeah, yeah, time, and probably seeing a shrink.

2 hours

I still have 2 hours left of mind numbingness office work. I'm pretty sure I f-ed up the hard drive on my laptop by f-ing around with it trying to "fix" it with little to no computer knowledge. But I feel some endorphins trying to kick-start up there in my head, despite it being hot as balls here in MN, causing lethargy. Yeah, I'm feeling a little less slumpish, a little less anxious to try my hand at becoming a functioning alcoholic and chain smoker, I really don't have the time for that anyways.

Trying to decide if I should go to my ten year high school reunion in about a week and a half, I'm pretty indifferent about it seeing as how I had few friends in high school.

fishy

We found a place with cheap fresh fish, at the lake a mere 3 blocks from Cassie (and soon to be my) apartment, eureka.

the slump

The slump continues..I don't know, just one of those blue periods I guess, not debilitating, just enough to make me want to drink copious amounts of beer and watch endless amounts of angsty teen drama (a.k.a. Dawson's Creek). People (mostly my office co-workers) irritate with their small talk and calling me "miss" (which I loathe). I need to start exercising. My vacation helped, always good to see Fuj, and to get away from home for a few days. Maybe I feel like everything is in transition, and once I get more settled I'll feel more comfy in my skin. I don't feel all that fun and witty these days. When I get a little down though I like to revel in it, roll around in it a bit before I get my endorphins flowing again.

Man, you'd think MN, with all it's lakes (and assumed fish abundance), would have some decent inexpensive fish, but Olivia, Cassie and I searched and came up empty.

There I am, dork extraordinaire. Haha, I even graduated with honors and considering I didn't put that much effort into my schooling, I was a little surprised. I guess it feels good to be done, I'm still plagued with self-doubt though. I've been kinda discombobulated lately about life. I'm really hoping that my much needed vacation coming up this week will get me in a more relaxed and happy state of mind since I've been pretty glum lately. Yes, I believe some serious beach time should do the trick.

Betsy moved out yesterday, it's a little sad, thinking about all us 'mates moving on as I've really enjoyed our time in our house despite the usual annoyances of living with people. Onto a new home with my dear friend Cassie come August (pictured right).

so uh yeah

Mostly I stare at a blank screen without anything to say when it comes to this blog. I'm currently utterly exhausted, bouts of insomnia, anxiety about relationships and life in general, been smoking like a fiend lately too, soon I'll be like my mother who seems to have a 3 pack/day habit.



Tomorrow is my unofficial last day of school, next friday I officially graduate, it's over! Well, it doesn't really feel over since I'll probably have about the same schedule, but at least I won't have class and homework, not that I've had much of that lately. I'm to be working part time at Cupcake, then also working my current job part time (I think). The whole thing is stressing me out really, I'm not sure how my boss is going to react really since we are really short staffed right now and unable to hire another person.

I'm on my way to get some sleep.

Perhaps a little melodramatic the other day, still in a state of major confusion but well, it's not that bad. I think I maybe sorta got offered a job at my internship, at least I got a "you should apply for a job here", which I think I might. The place is starting to grow on me plus the owner wants to hire people so he "can get out of the kitchen and work on the business", which means he won't be their judging me and making me nervous and sweaty. He wasn't there today and frankly, I had a darn good time, my potential future co-workers are pretty funny, and I was relaxed and funny too.

Roomies Jake and Kat, after saying they wanted to stay put in our current apartment, have now decided to get a place of their own, so now I gotta figure out where to live, who to live with (if anyone) etc. I'm looking forward to starting fresh sans Lance's decorating.

Just finished Steve Martin's "Shopgirl", related to Mirabelle until everything worked out for her, still liked it though.