check ya later

I leave in mere hours for New Zealand! I'm having high anxiety right now. I really hope this trip will reconnect me with my sister and brother-in-law and nieces and nephews. Not that we don't get along, I just am hoping to get back to a place where I feel comfortable and not so distant as I have been since my sister moved away, got married, etc. I want my family to know me and vice versa.

I'm in love with Andrew Bird.

Well, I'll try to post something legit when I return, with pictures.

SoCal and small talk

Cripes, I seem to be addicted to reading goodreads reviews.

I've also become obsessed with the Salton Sea. As I mentioned Betsy and I stopped there on our way to Joshua Tree. At first we drove through some new development with cookie cutter homes that were incredibly cheap trying to find some shoreline, but had to drive a little further to the actual Salton City where we were directed to a beach area. We had been warned that the beach was not actually sand but instead made of fish bones. We drove past some rundown homes and a dilapidated store that may or may not be in business. On the beach were some shelters and grills that we gathered were not much used these days. The "sand" was not exactly fishbones, but what I later learned are crunchy white barnacles, although once we got closer to the water we did see a considerable amount of fishbones. A family appeared as we were perusing the decrepit landscape, and Betsy dipped her feet in the murky brown water, I, on the other hand was perfectly satisfied not making contact with the supposedly safe water. Later she had to rinse them off because they felt "weird".

We had to move on but were curious about the Sea so we did a little reading on it in a couple guidebooks which told us it was man-made and persisted due to irrigation runoff which is what makes it so salty, and also that it was a popular resort area. We could tell that it's popularity had waned since that book was written. I've been kinda fascinated by it since and just watched a documentary on it which explained the details on how it was formed and featured some of the quirky characters who remain living by the sea despite the change it has gone through over the years. I'm itching to go back now and visit the local bar and get a better feel for the place. Maybe I'll even go for a swim.

I could buy some cheap land there and make a home for myself. I mean, it is California and if they ever restore the sea like Bono (Sonny, not Bono of U2) had been pushing to accomplish before he died, I could end up banking on some fine real estate. Otherwise I'll just become an eccentric local.

Anyways, enought about the Salton Sea. I really hate small talk, especially when it limited to an elevator ride. I just cannot pretend to be interested, or I can try but it is painful for me. Could be my I hate everybody kind of day I'm having though, which is directly related to the fact that I have to do "insurance" today, which is my most despised job duty and something that I've just recently had to take on again because we haven't trained any new folk to do it. I hate my life.

birth joy

Whenever I think about women giving birth I think about Oedipus. Anyways, speaking of giving birth, I'm so excited that my dear friend Jenni has birthed a little girl, mostly because now she can drink again, but also because there is a new little person who will probably be pretty cool. She looks kinda chinese and has lots of dark hair, pretty cute as far as (newborn-3 or 4 month) babies go.

Man, this weather is something else. I can't remember the last time it has been this cold and rainy on or near my birthday (Sunday, in case you forgot). Maybe the time I took my friends to Valley Fair in 6th grade. I also remember one year (or that year) my Dad making everyone bratwurst before our outing and nobody eating them even though they were perfectly fine brats, we were just fickle girls. Sometimes I remember those times when I was a royal snot to one of my parents and am filled with shame when I think about how they were just trying to do a good thing for me. I hope his feelings weren't too hurt.

But, I need to be an advocate for myself also.

And, I forgot my hot cocoa today, how disappointing.

disintegration of self

According to my googlescope from the past couple days, my negative outlook on life should start turning around. Or maybe it's the St John's Wort. Lately I've been wondering if I maybe, just maybe, hold on to my negativity because I find it comforting, and I worry if I were to feel better about myself and life I would somehow not be "myself", like it's my schtick or something, as if I would turn into June Cleaver if I didn't have the dark cloud lurking. Could you imagine? I just want my mojo back, not that I've ever had an overflowing abundance of mojo per se, but there has been a marked decline in the past several months.

Anyways, pez dispensers are kinda creepy. The candy comes out of the things neck for chrissakes. Kinda gross if you ask me.

My battle against the bulge continues, after my shocking post CA weight gain I am resolved to get back on track. Can't say I've been entirely successful, am trying though.

Decisions must be made regarding the future semi-soon, scares the bejeezus out of me.

Most recent work distraction is this sometimes hilarious web-comic.

fat and happy

I'm wearing quite an unflattering outfit today. Been having a run of frumpishness as of late in fact, well, pretty much all winter long. Frumpy clothes to fit my frumpy mood. Spring is slow to come this year, probably just as well. Co-worker Rachel and I have decided to succumb to the fat and happy lifestyle, we are just going to eat whatever we desire from here on out and dismiss physical activity.

I've self diagnosed myself as having general anxiety disorder, which is apparently when you feel anxious but can't pinpoint why.

Welp, apparently it is nice outside so maybe I can overcome my laziness and go for a run. I should also brainstorm and write down comic strip ideas...

we'll understand it, all by and by

San Diego was a hotbed of attractive fellas; surfer types, hipsters, deck hands, hmmm. Unfortunately when Betsy and I went for a stroll which included a stint along the naked beach, the dudes in the buff were not of the attractive variety.
So yeah, California was all around pretty awesome. Betsy and I packed a lot of activity in which included sunburning myself badly the first day laying by the pool of her parent's BEAUTIFUL home, tide pooling where we had hoped to see an abundance of sea life but all we saw were a bunch of sea anenomes. Biking (and surreying) in Coronado, poking fun at the fat seals, kayaking in the ocean in the hopes of seeing some tiger sharks (no dice), but Betsy saw a dolphin and we saw plenty of sea lions. Of course we also spent ample time enjoying live music in the local hipster dives.
Camping in the desert was probably the highlight of the trip, and Betsy did not try to get fresh with me at all. We packed in as much hiking as possible and it felt asstastic. The flowers were a-blooming and the scenery was lovely. Oh man, anyone who knows me knows how much I like old dilapidated buildings and since there was a stint of gold mining in Joshua Tree, there were a couple of REALLY COOL old mills, one of which we got to climb around in though I'm not sure if we were supposed to be climbing over the piece of history like that. There was also a dilapidated ranch house and rusty old cars and grated over mines that I enjoyed quite thoroughly.

At dusk we scoped out Cap Rock, where legend says that Gram Parson's friends attempted to cremate him per his request. We popped the Flying Burrito Brothers into the boombox and spent some time at the site paying tribute as others had before us. Next stop was the Joshua Tree Inn where Gram actually died. We then attempted to find a saloon in the town of Joshua Tree, but just found a poor slicked up rendition of a saloon with obnoxious patrons.
Oh, and the Salton Sea, disgusting. If you read any literature about it claiming it to be a nice resort area, well, if it ever was those days are long past. Brown water, weird sand and fish carcasses abound. Betsy put her feet in the water and they felt weird, which isn't surprising since it is fed by agriculture runoff.

Well, I wish I could have more wittily regaled my tales of San Diego, but I felt under pressure. My sunburn, which still hasn't healed completely was the topic of many conversations, and I like to think that I maintained a certain level of midwestern charm throughout the entire week.

dudes with money

I kinda have a crush on Jemaine Clement (The Flight of the Conchords, Eagle vs Shark) pictured left. Good thing too cause I'm f**king going to New Zealand! Ticket is officially purchased. I haven't been this excited about anything in oh...a year maybe (except the badlands Jenni). I should be responsible and use the money for paying off my ridiculous debt, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to travel both islands with my sister and her husband and their 4 children (age 8? and younger) via motor home, should be interesting.

In other news, I love the public library.

I'm also going to San Diego next week which will include camping in the desert with my old roommate. She is kinda infatuated with me so I hope she doesn't make a move.

Despite these exciting and happy things on the horizon I still am feeling lethargic, sad and anxious more often than not. Feeling stressed about finances and decision making. Oh well. I'm guessing if I could bag a man all my problems would be solved...especially a dude with money.

prozac nation

"But it's one thing to be aimless; it's another when you make targeted decisions in spite of your aimlessness. That's when the regrets and backtracking often happen"....

" life is rarely linear, and careers are no different"

more brilliancy from Carolyn Hax, makes me feel slightly better about my poor life decisions. I've kinda mellowed out in the past couple weeks, more like been distracting myself so as not to think too much about things and consequently work myself into a ball of anxiety. In some ways productive (dwelling and worrying and stressing out), and others ways not (becoming nice and comfy in a tolerable yet ultimately dissatisfying life). Although I sort of have some plans and goals mapped out for myself, I'm having trouble making solid decisions, too many options it seems, coupled with paralyzing fear of making the wrong move and failing.

I wish people were more real.

Eh, I'm a Debbie Downer these days, even my friends think I'm not as witty, a shell of my former self. Perhaps drugs would help.

I've set out a painting to taunt me into working on it, got ideas still a-churning, assuming I get the motivation to get them out.

not a loser

I am unsure how it is possible for me to start exercising regularly (relatively, as in 2-4 days/week), choosing and preparing healthier meals at least more frequently than before, quit working at a bakery where I'm constantly surrounded by tempting sweets in which I did indulge, and not only gain weight which I had hoped to attribute mostly to increased muscle, but also seem to be in possession of jeans that were granted -snug-, but had to be squeezed into today with difficulty and are now -tight-. Am so not going to win any weight reducing contests. Also decided against the gym challenge b/c I am planning on being in CA visiting former roommate/friend Betsy on the last day of the contest rendering me unable to do the weigh in.

Oh well, am not letting it get me down. I figure it must be some sort of fluke, or maybe the double, no triple serving of fries the other day along with pizza, a cheeseburger, and 2 mini sloppy joe's. Hey, it was my free day.

I saw Cat Power last night, she was great, her voice live was amazing and she was very endearingly quirky and not too drunk.

Well, on the advice of my shrink I'm trying to be more aware of my brain output. It seems however, that my former crush of last winter is throwing a party to which I am not invited, and I am not sure as to why since I am not actively crushing on him and our sparse interactions over the past year have been amiable. Possible oversight I suppose, which has been the consensus among mutual friends, slight chance that could be b/c he is very good friends with he who dicked me around broke my heart last spring. Who knows, but of course I had to agonize over it for a good hour or five. It is hard to attempt to distance myself from brain output.

overthinking

If there are any of my vast readership that are a member of goodreads and actually browse the site, I highly recommend reading this young lady's reviews. I find them to be quite hilarious and smart, here's the link...
http://www.goodreads.com/profile/Jessica

So now that I have this diagnosis, I find that I can conveniently use it as a viable excuse to cover a wide variety of sins and unhealthy behaviors.... until I'm healed that is.

failed relationships or lack of remotely healthy romantic relationships-dysthymia
binge drinking and consequent obnoxious/embarrassing behavior-dysthymia
staying in a dead-end job for several years-dysthymia
crippling anxiety and fear-dysthymia
desire to shut my brain off-dysthymia
inability to stay awake past 9 p.m. watching a movie or television-dysthymia
feeling socially inadequate-dysthymia
lack of movation create art-dysthymia

to name a few anyways. My goal, by the by, is to be charmingly self-deprecating and not someone who can't function in life. In case anyone worries about me. There is such a fine line between charming self-deprecation and patheticness. What I mean is, I'd like to be self-deprecating in such a way that is humorous and relateable, in a way that makes people think "ha, yeah, I feel like that sometimes too". Clearly I think way too much about this.

And to answer your question, Jenni, from what I read drugs were obviously an option, and talk-therapy.

Anywho, I'm trying to decide whether or not to sign up for this challenge at my gym. I would be in a team of three (increasing the pressure to succeed). I could potentially win $50, or a massage. I'm already part of the biggest loser contest in my office (which I'm certain I'm NOT going to win, especially since I don't have the advantage of not having an intestine like a couple others in this here office). However, I have been more consistently hitting the gym and eating healthier meals, and this gym competition might just get me to kick it in high gear. I need to decide by monday.

there may be hope

I'm fairly certain that I'm dying...currently experiencing an out of the blue endless coughing fit that I'm certain means cancer- throat cancer, I probably have tongue cancer as well. I am a taurus after all. Well, if I do die, I hope people show up at my funeral.

I stopped at my former bakery of employment this morning to pick up my tips and say hello to my friends. The cute barista was working and I mentioned the seeing him at the Turf, awkward and brief small talk followed in which I told him that I meant to say hello but didn't. Then when I got to work I put my coffee on top of my car while I gathered my things and it fell off and spilled all over me, a pleasant start to the day.

Coughing fit is over, I feel more positive about my chances of survival today.

In other news, saw my new shrink yesterday for the first time, and if our time together was an accurate indication of future appointments then I feel quite positively about her. She seems to have a more applicable approach as opposed to my last shrink who just sat there in ucomfortable silence with me for the majority of my session without offering me any help on what I'm supposed to DO about my state (and I also got the sense she was after my money). She diagnosed me as having dysthymia, which my very first shrink from a few years ago also told me and makes sense I guess, I have always felt that I'm kinda slogging along through most of my adult years, always thinking things could be a little brighter and better. I guess I've been under the impression that that is pretty normal but what do I know. A description follows below in case anyone cares....

"Rather, you might tend to be inactive and withdrawn , you worry frequently, and criticize yourself as being a failure. You may also feel guilty, irritable, sluggish, and have difficulty sleeping regularly.
Dysthymia is a milder yet more enduring type of depression that affects women two to three times more often than men. The diagnosis is given when a person has had continuous depressed mood for at least two years. For children, the duration only needs to be one year, and their mood may be irritable rather than sad or depressed. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that it seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has had this condition for a number of years. Because dysthymia may develop early in a person's life, it is not uncommon for someone with this condition to believe that it is normal to always feel depressed. They often to do realize that the quality of their mood is anything out of the ordinary. This illness often goes unnoticed and, therefore, untreated."

shifting patterns

Okay, so as much as I do enjoy wallowing in my self pity, I do realize that it is not all that attractive or productive to sit around and self-loathe. So I'm going to try my hand at changing my thought patterns on the advice of my good pal Jenni, and hopefully with the help of my new shrink, who I see for the first time tomorrow.

Although in thinking about changing my thinking patterns I came to the conclusion that I would be a failure at changing my patterns, which is reinforcing my current patterns. *sigh*

This would be my first official week back to full time office slogging. I miss my bakery friends and the variety of working there was nice. I do not lament no longer waking up at 4:15 a.m. however, or being on a more regular sleeping schedule.

Speaking of bakery...cute bakery barista was spotted out and about at local venue where my friend's band was playing. I kept meaning to go say hello, but I guess kept waiting for the right moment, although I have no idea why a right moment is needed for a simple "hey". Well, he ultimately left (with his presumed girlfriend), so I missed my opportunity. I still managed to have a righteous time with nice punk boys, even if the music wasn't quite up my alley.

There was some nasty rotting fruit or vegetable in my car this morning. My car also smells like a stale ashtray even though I always leave the window cracked so that it will air out.

Umm, caucus tonight. I'm going. I think.

where there's a will, there's a way

2008, the self-proclaimed "year of Shawna", looks quite a bit like 2007 so far. Oh, I have plans, and goals my friends, plans and goals. Unfortunately, I know myself, and myself seems to be quite adverse to change, fearful of failure, and therefore quite self-defeating. I mean really..the negative self-talk is fertile (fat, ugly, pathetic, a dissapointment), must blame family of origin for that of course so as to feel justified in wallowing.

Clearly have not found new shrink yet.

Have, however, exercised three days this week thus far. Not a New Years resolution (more of an all the time goal), but have been recruited by co-worker to start "diet" with her, which has been surprisingly decent motivation to not eat exhorbitant amounts of sweets and to actually exercise...thus far. Number on the scale this morning also should be sufficient motivation. We shall see. Am hoping for a repeat of last winter post holidays, when pounds left my body mysteriously and I was at my thinnest I've ever been, was feeling better about life then too..*sigh*.

Am missing my smoking porch. Was such an indulgence to sit and drink on that scuzzy porch, it was my refuge. I don't even have a photo of it. Am missing fun house parties of last year, as well as more abundant social life.

Former roommate Betsy and I have been wracking brains (sort of) in pursuit of a creative outlet that will garner us much in terms of money...book, witty independent screenplay, etc. If only I could write better, or actually DO something, well, other than watch TV on DVD or read Carolyn Hax chat archives for even one evening. Wish I had some sort of musical talent, then could at least form a fun band and make cute hipster boys swoon. Where there is a will, there is a way.

I truly believe right now that I will be putting in my notice at the bakery tomorrow. Feel like I'm making a good decision other than that I will look like a complete dissapointment mostly to my family. My debt is scaring me though and being an office slog pays considerably better.

Am heading south tomorrow to go to former roommate Jake's band's cd release party in quaint town which will dreg up those fond/yet painful memories that often occur as a result of failed romance.

If being sad and bitter is wrong, I don't want to be right.

slacking, slogging

I want to shut my brain off for a while, get a good nights sleep, relax without feeling guilty that I should be doing something productive or worthwhile or creative or self-improving or world improving all the time. Not that I'm not plenty lazy cause I am. I totally feel scattered right now, and I'm starting to wonder if that feeling ever ends. A big part of me wishes I could erase the past year of my life and re-live it, making better choices, even though as far as my psychological state it was probably one of my better years. Was in school, had good friends, meeting new people, felt sorta purposeful. I don't know if I'm just not dealing well with transition/changes. I feel restless, doubting myself, which is not new but I thought I had a handle on it. I don't know, maybe I need drugs or something.

In any case I find myself turning my wheels figuring out my next move, of course who knows if any plans I'm formulating will actually come to fruition, another fear of mine. I wish I hadn't gone to school last year. I enjoyed it and like the work, but I had my doubts when I started the program and wish I had listened to my gut I guess. My student loans are scaring the bejeezus out of me and I want to figure out how in the world to make a significant dent in paying those suckers off (and then possibly go to grad school consequently racking up more debt, haha). Right now that kinda looks like quitting my low paying bakery job (a replacement job wouldn't be much higher paying if at all), and going back to full time well paying office work. Frankly the bakery job isn't really challenging me that much anyways as far as gaining knowledge in the field, however I then feel like a let down by not using the education that I just paid money for/invested time in. A big part of me thought just wants to put in my 8-5, not have to wake up butt early in the morning, have a life again, pay off my debt/save some money.

I just ditched my shrink. It's probably me but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with her. My last and one other shrink experience I also felt like we didn't click but at least she gave me practical ways to improve the things that were unsatisying even though I never felt like I was getting to the root of my issues. I think I will try to find a new shrink, and one with a sliding scale fee.

I remembered

I guess it isn't very funny, but I saw my doctor at the local coffee shop, and I wasn't sure if I should say hey. I mean the woman is cool and all, and she's seen my crotch and felt me up in a doctorly way...I ended up ignoring her, was that rude?

hey girl

Watched what some may call trashy (others may call touching and heartbreaking) television show 'shot of love' with Tila Tequila last night. I'm prepared to be thoroughly entertained at my base level by this.

I felt like I had something funny to write about that happened yesterday, but it has left my brain.

I have developed an attraction to this new barista at the bakery I work at, he looks uncannily like the boy who just brutally rejected me. I find myself feeling more self-conscious then usual which leads to resulting 12 year old behavior...being tongue tied around him, nervously giggling, etc.

Well, I'm trying to better myself in order to feel less inclined to self-loathe as I have kinda fallen into the habit of lately. Hoping that my goal of exercising regularly will actually take for more than a week and have found a "life drawing" group to get back into drawing and possibly inspire me to do some painting. I'm not real fond of my shrink, I don't feel like we click that well, then she told me I seem lonely and sad (which in my mind translated to pathetic) and I got offended even though she clearly didn't mean it in that way. I guess I get irritated b/c she seems to infer that I don't want to be there and am making excuses to not come more often, which is due to lack of funds but she's not buying it. She keeps telling me I need to come more often, mentions that she could possibly reduce my copay, but when I tell her I can't afford to come more often with my copay being what it is she's like, "well then, I guess we'll just have to make due" and makes no more mention of reducing the copay as if I'm lying or something. In any case, I'm shopping for a new shrink.

I missed my own blogiversary

Well, that's a bummer.

I'm still kinda slogging through my days at this point...sleep deprived and melancholy. Maybe I'll get my groove back one of these days, but winter approaches and the outlook isn't great.

a lack of creativity

Hmmm, well, my shrink seems to think I'm depressed, which yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk but I don't think it is something more then a down period. Well, whatever, she's only seeing/hearing one part of me, one of my "selves".

Badlands was freakin' awesome. This summer has been chock full of fun activities, too bad I've been in a funk, not that it has prevented me from enjoying things just kinda like a little cloud hanging over me adding a bit of an edge I spose.

This weekend may prove to be interesting...hopefully in a good way and not a bad way.

Other than that feeling an overall lack of creativity, tiredness, etc., doesn't lend much inspiration for blog posting.

reveling in my angst

Been listening to lots of angsty music lately to go along with my angsty mood I've been in for the past couple months...decided to go back to see a shrink though, thought it was about time. I've just been off lately, seem to have lost my zest and trying to get myself back on track I guess, back to a time when I was feeling good about myself and my life.

Going to the badlands this weekend with Cas and Jenni. Should be an interesting time. We are camping and I'm having a difficult time imagining the scenario, I imagine us pitching our tent someplace barren and rocky. I really want to see a big horn sheep.

at last

Here I sit in my new home...Almost cried today when my old landlord said the oven wasn't clean enough, not for me, but for Jake and Kat who scrubbed that thing for a good hour. Yeah, felt a range of emotions last night, it's kinda crazy when moving, and you get to the final stages where you feel like all your possessions are breeding and you will never get everything moved and everything clean, and you feel really guilty for just chucking stuff into the garbage that could be recycled but you just can't care anymore. Then, everything is clean and sparkling and you wonder why the place became such a shithole in the first place, not that our place was a shithole, but it could have used a little upkeep. I'll miss my roommates and that house, I certainly had some good times there, it was a little college-ey, but hell, why rush into adulthood when you can pretend to be a recent college grad and have some fun. Yeah, I got a little choked up last night after Jake and Kat had left and I enjoyed my last cigarette on the 'ol smoking porch, where I spent much of my time. Enough nostalgia, I must attend to my bunions and read some Harry Potter.