ready to drop

I am pert near exhausted...I do believe I have been "out" practically every night for easily the last three weeks, if not five or six. I haven't been this social since I was in my roaring 20's, and I'm beat. In fact, after I finish work this evening I plan on taking a power nap and then possibly attending bar trivia. The rest of the week, however, looks to be a bit slower then the previous few...thank god.

In other news I had a rollicking good time with my co-workers while in attendance at another co-worker's wedding. Funny how fun it can be cutting a rug with those ladies, especially the one's who are henious, condescending wenches when we are at work. Actually only one nurse that was there last night is in actuality a wench to me at work, the rest are all very pleasant to work with (okay make that 2 nurses). I managed to not rip the dress that was a tad too tight for me. In fact the scale has made a downward turn instead of up! Encouraging! I must say I've been pretty good about cutting back on the sweets and unhealthy stuff as of late, and feeling slightly more svelte as a result. I also just ordered a kettlebell dvd, and will be obtaining an actual kettlebell for myself in the near future, then I'll really be in business. I plan to find muscles that were not previously in existence. I will be a toned goddess.

A boy that a kinda have a little crush on will be in attendance at a party that I have also been invited to. He is a friend of my roommate's friend and earlier this summer we all hung out at this outdoor concert, during which I got, you guessed it, pretty wasted. Granted I'm sure he was in a similar state but I left that event thinking I had made an enormous ass of myself and had left him with a horrible impression of me. Case in point, a couple months later I invited him and the mutual friend to join us for trivia via facebook and received no response whatsoever, even though he was clearly active on facebook. Of course I concluded that he hated me. However, this past week the roommate and I ran into him at a show and I managed to say hello and engage in small talk without looking like a complete fool, and he did not seem put off by my presence. So I may make an attempt at flirtation at the party...and will likely fail miserably.

I am continuously baffled that dudes continue to pursue me when A. I was not in top form around them because of a lack of attraction to them and consequently B. there was clearly zero "spark" between us. Yet they persist and I have no idea why, I could not possibly have come off as that attractive, so I clearly attract desperate and lonely dudes. Meanwhile, the boys that I do find attractive, who are certainly not Abercrombie models and seem well within my league, do not give me the time of day despite my efforts to be outgoing and witty and charming and intelligent and such. Those dudes usually end up with another average looking girl who is probably cool and all, but I have to wonder what those women have that I don't.

Well, I seem to have evaded the full on funk for now...am currently just in my usual state of dissatisfaction and slight melancholy. I've been tossing around the idea of asking he who broke my heart if he wants to get a drink sometime, to which I will likely get no response.

hello blog

Oh blog, how I have abandoned thee.

Well, last time I posted I had just turned 30, felt the loss of my friend's band and had a falling out with a friend. The friend and I made up a couple months later, and I am still 30 and still a little heartbroken over the demise of my friend's band.

But man, has it been a busy summer. Lots of weekends out of town, a trip to Philly, and attendance of goings on in my lovely city. Minneapolis is pretty great in the summer, but I'm plum exhausted. My old roomie has been in town a couple months and we've been out and about, hearing music and playing pub trivia.

I also decided to try my hand again at online dating, which, I kinda wish I would have just let sleeping dogs lie. I guess the idea has been bouncing around in my head and my roommates and I have been joking about trying it and making a documentary. Then my bro in law was obsessed with me giving it a go when I visited them a month ago, he is clearly concerned by my spinster and childless future. However, I believe what really spurred me on to take the plunge was knowing that the guy who broke my heart was moving back. So I went the cheap route and posted another craigslist ad, which garnered me a slew of responses and I had dates lined up for every night of the week. My experiences ranged between horrible and definitely passable, but nobody that really rocked my boat. The horrible experience was with a guy who I for some reason had thought was close to my age but ended up being well in his forties. Mind you, I have no issue with dating an older dude, there are definitely some attractive dudes in their middle age, but this guy was schlumpy and clearly never left the 'burbs and we obviously had nothing in common. Even though my instinct was to turn tail and run when I saw him I perservered. We had plans to go to this event at the gallery I volunteer at, during which there were going to be presentations. The worst part of the evening was during the last presentation where one of the woman stripped naked and showered in front of everybody...can one say uncomfortable. I felt like I was with a creepy uncle.

So yeah, no love connections from my foray...there are a couple guys that I have plans to see again but don't really envision anything happening beyond friendship.

Then of course I run into he who broke my heart at the state fair of all places, which is frakking huge and so not where I expected to run into him. I did think I might see him at some point since we have mutual friends, but definitely not there. He (and his girlfriend) pretty much turned tail and ran while me and my friend chatted with our mutual pals that he was with. Unfortunately for him when we left we only popped around the corner and promptly came back the way we came so he was there when we passed by again. Of course I didn't care if he felt uncomfortable, so we went over to say hello. He was clearly uncomfortable.

Then, this past weekend my friend and I went to her college town's festival as I have been the last couple years. This time I was expecting to run into said guy, since it is his hometown. In any case, we ended up hanging out with him and his pals (sans their girlfriends) for the evening, very little of which I actually have clear remembrance of since I was extremely intoxicated. No doubt I was obnoxious at some point. Yeah, I feel real great about that experience.

I may be heading into a funk..or it may be a temporary lapse, haven't quite detemined that yet.

heartless bastards

Well, I'm sitting here in my dark and chilly home feeling sad cause all my friends are out enjoying
Grizzly Bear, to which I had a ticket but lost said ticket, I am so majorly bummed right now, and feel like a dolt. I'm pretty sure it fell out of my wallet, I was probably drunk when it happened. Oh well, those are the consequences of drinking heavily I guess.

Facebook is being stupid...ah facebook, which has informed me that he who broke my heart a couple years ago is possibly moving back to this fine city in a couple months. We don't really run with the same crowd that much anymore so it is unlikely that I'll see him, but it is a possibility. I met a boy at a party the other night that I could potentially have a crush on if I thought I were to ever see him again...we are facebook friends now too, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'll ever interact with him again in real life.

*Update* I got into the Grizzly Bear show!! My pals came through and discovered a way to "sneak" me in, and I'm so glad they did, it was excellent!

Well, before I had to rush out to the show, I was going to lament over the demise of my former roommate's bluegrass band...a very sad occurance. Not only do I really enjoy their music, but their band kept me connected to former roommate(s) and people of the aforementioned group, who I enjoy seeing at least occasionally. I've been going to their shows pretty steadily since I met them almost 3 years ago, so I'm feeling the loss.

The demise of their band also caused a demise (thus far) in another friendship with my former co-worker/friend. Said friend had been for lack of better term "tagging along" when I'd see their band in a nearby town where they all went to college, as in barring once or twice she insisted upon coming with me for the past year or so. I was not bothered by this but at the same time I certainly never begged her to come with me. She would drive for a couple reasons, one being her car is more reliable and pleasant to ride in than mine, and she would usually bring a friend. So basically we had a fight over how I was supposed to drive her because I "owed" her. Thing is that she had never asked me to drive previously and if it was a big deal I would have driven or hitched a ride for both of us with Jake. We could have gotten a ride with Jake last weekend except for the fact that she had to work late, so I ended up opting to get a ride with him and leave her to her own devices. The reason she was so insistant on me driving other than that she always had was because her ex was going to be there and she wanted to drink, meanwhile I also wanted to be able to be there on time, relax and enjoy myself for their final show, (like I said, a band that I've been supporting for almost 3 years), and spend time with Jake and Kat who are moving soon. The friend that I speak of isn't really friends with Jake or Kat, nor have I ever gotten the impression that she cares that much about the band other than it gives her something to do every once in a while and she can flirt with cute boys at their shows. So, she ended up not coming and we haven't really spoken for over a week now. I'm not usually one to have friendships end over something petty like this, but with this particular friend it was more than the stupid driving and it just kind of came to a head I think, as I've walked on eggshells around her more than I care to with someone I consider a friend. I think eventually we'll come around but we are both stubborn people.

My co-worker is also pissing me off. I've felt rather belittled by her lately, as in she always double checks my work and "fixes" things that are either unnecessary busy work or don't actually need fixing. She seems to have quite a fondness for adding small tasks onto her workload that are completely unnecessary, and also being a suck-up to the nurses for some sad reason, so that when I refuse to bend over backwards to do things that they are fully capable of doing and SHOULD be doing than I'm a bad employee. She recently just about took over my monthly audit because in three months 3 mistakes were found, one of which was admittedly my fault, but the other 2 had nothing to do with me. However, she proceeded to blame me for the other 2 mistakes and decided that I am not competent at auditing and that she should take it over since she certainly never makes mistakes like I obviously do. Then today she approaches me about something that was missed because I was off and she was ill, so another co-worker filled in for the day and she doesn't really know what she is doing, understandable since she rarely needs to fill that role. So when she points out that the insurance benefits hadn't been obtained I pointed out to her that it was the day we both were gone and that I am fully aware that benefits need to be obtained and that I do, in fact, call and verify benefits when need be. For some reason this was not good enough for her and she repeated herself as if I didn't understand, so I curtly interrupted her to say yes I understand, thanks, and turned my back.

I think I'm starting to get a tad more of a backbone, not much, but a smidge.

It's been a full 5 1/2 days since I've had a cigarette, except for one drag...hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I suppose it helps to have a solid reason, instead of a more abstract "bad for me" reason.

bumpkin

\I'm a bumpkin...as in I will be toothless for at least 6 months. Yes, my molar has finally bit the dust, and now it won't be biting anything anymore, it has been yanked from my jaw, leaving an empty gaping hole. I miss it. I will also miss smoking. If anyone cares about the long and sordid tale of the life and death of my tooth, I will regale it...


The story begins way back in college, I believe my sophomore or junior year. I was slightly more portlier than I am currently (though I'm well on my way to returning to my previous state). I was snacking on some hard candy as you can imagine a shy, frumpy, portly girl like myself might be doing, and a hard bite led to a sizeable chunk of tooth chipping away. Honestly I don't even think the candy was that hard, it may have been a starburst, I don't remember. I do remember thinking that I didn't have dental insurance (indeed, I did, I just didn't realize my stepmother had added me to her plan). Being your typical strapped for cash college student (this was even before I discovered alchohol and started blowing my wad on that), I thought there was no way I could afford the dental work. Fast forward a couple years, I believe stepmom inquired as to when I had last visited el dentist, and I informed her of my plight. She insisted that I visit her kind and gentle dentist. I went in, the dentist thought that we could attempt to get by with a filling...keep in mind I had chipped a decent chunk out and left it untreated for approx. 2 years. The dentist warned me that a the filling might do the trick but assured me it was worth a shot before going for the dreaded root canal. Another year or so goes by and something just isn't right, I have swelling and some pain. I return and they decided to go ahead with the root canal which was NO BIG DEAL, like some people make it out to be. Another year goes by...tooth STILL doesn't feel quite right, apparently dentist didn't do a sufficient root canal, by this time I have my own dental insurance and regular dentist who refers me to a specialist to do ANOTHER root canal. More time passes (see a theme emerging) and the tooth...still something wrong, go back to the specialist to do yet another root canal and before she dives in she tells me there is nothing more she can do and refers me to an even more specialized specialist. I'm not quite sure what the problem is but what it comes down to is that I have to get the tooth removed or have surgery if I want to attempt to save my tooth. He recommends the surgery which is very expensive even with insurance. I go in for my checkup in 6 months and he claims things look great, I go in for my yearly checkup and things are not so great, apparently now my tooth has a fracture and that is the final straw, it has to come out. So at this point I've put a couple grand into this tooth, minus what my parents paid for in the early stages. Now I have to get a dental implant or nothing, implants are quite expensive also but I would like some sort of tooth there. Anywho, the tooth is gone and I feel like a bumpkin, not that anyone can tell since it is in the back, and the rest of my teeth are in pretty good shape, it isn't as though I neglect my oral hygiene. The healing process apparently takes about 5 to 6 months, and then I can get the implant hopefully, meanwhile smoking obviously doesn't help the chances of the implant becoming acclimated to it's environment so it is a good reason to get me to actually quit. It's weird how I feel about quitting smoking, clearly I know that I should quit, especially now that I'm getting older, but sadly it's become part of who I am in a way, and certainly how I socialize, which I will miss. I keep trying to envision myself as a non-smoker and my improved health, it's going to be hard, but I figure if I can at least get out of the every day habit that I can maybe get to the point where I can have the occasional smoke.

So that, plus helping with the next installation at the gallery I'm volunteering at has got me plum tired. Helping with the install has been great fun, well, the first day was fun. It was a bit nervewracking trying to understand what the artist has in mind and execute it, but she seemed to like me and affirmed that I was doing well. Yesterday when I worked I pretty much felt like a dolt the entire time, some hot artist dude asked me a question and me being a recent and lowly volunteer had no idea, I cut these pictures wrong for this other dude, and I didn't know what to do with my painting supplies when I finished and felt too stupid to ask someone, so I just left. Last time I volunteered there I was gallery sitting with another sexy artist dude who I had admired outside the window doing some manual labor a couple weeks when I was scraping potentially harmful debris off the pane of said window. Well, we sat in silence pert near the entire time (we were reading), then when it came time to shut down the gallery I didn't have any clue how to turn off any of the dvd players and what not, so I wandered around attempting to figure it out not knowing that my sitting partner had all the remotes. I felt really moronic and silly, and awkward. I have a major issue with feeling awkward almost all the time.

Other than that...I guess being 30 hasn't been all that bad, except the decline in my looks and metabolism.

hoo-boy

I just severely porked out right now for lunch, after my dinner last night of cake scraps and frosting and whipped cream I'm feeling mighty portly.

Remember when I used to post on this thing like, almost every day? Maybe I'll try that again.

in a van, by the river

That's where I'll be if I don't get into JET next year. Oh, so for any of my vast readership that hasn't heard the news, I was chosen as an alternate for JET, and I just decided to turn down my chance of being upgraded in the following months for a variety of reasons, mostly because I don't want to have to move in with my mother if I gave up my housing situation and then didn't get upgraded. Part of me is really dissappointed in myself for not taking the chance and taking the safe route, which is essentially what I'm doing. Although, and I know there is always going to be something that I will miss out on by moving abroad for a significant amount of time, but there are things going on in this year that would be hard to miss out on. So...that is that, I will hopefully get off my duff this year and do some things that will enrich both my life and increase my chances of getting a straight -yes- next spring, including volunteering with kids, possibly tutoring or some such thing, obtaining my TEFL/TESL (which I think will be quite beneficial, not only for JET but if I want to go anywhere else), and taking some Japanese classes and learning more about Japan in general. I do really want to do JET...it would allow me to travel, get me some valuable experiences (maybe not jobwise, but at least life experience), and help me pay down some loans, so I hope I didn't miss out on my chance, but we'll see.

I also feel like I have to make my life this year worthwhile, I already have recently signed up to volunteer at a local art gallery which I'm hoping to get more involved in over the course of the year (including an Art Shanty this winter), and maybe finding an attractive fella to go on an actual date with, along with the aforementioned items. Again, this will take me staving off my propensity for laziness, which will be no small feat, but if I'm to survive another MN winter I gotta feel as if I'm doing something cool and not just twiddling my thumbs. I feel like I say this every year though.

Well, anywho, that's pretty much what has been weighing heavily on my mind the past month or so, now I can focus on turning 30 in a few days, and the despair that notion fills me with. If I don't die from swine flu that is, then I don't have to worry about it I guess.

hornswaggled

Hmm, well, it has been an interesting few days.

First of all, I'd like to expound on my opinion of the film "He's Just Not That Into You", which highlights the "delusions" of women and their supposed desperation to "read too much into" the supposed obvious disinterest of the object of their desire. However, it does not address why the hell the men give the mixed signals in the first place. For example, the man that the "crazy" girl meets in the bar who by all indication seems "into her"...saying he was glad to have come to the bar because he met her, asked for her number, etc., then when she admittedly embarrassingly confronts him on the specifics of their future interactions it was supposed to be obvious to her that he wasn't genuinely interested, well, then why did he feel the need to show interest? Same goes with the Scarlett Johannson character. There is not any addressing of the fact that perhaps people could just stand to be more honest about their intentions, and it seemed that the stereotypical "crazy chick" was emphasized more throughout the movie. Maybe a film that expresses a need for people to be more honest and upfront to begin with when dating, being respectful enough and secure enough to refrain from feeding on other's insecurities in order to give oneself an ego boost and recognizing that their actions do affect others might be in order. Of course not nearly as entertaining and money producing as poking fun at the patheticness of what it means to be human sometime and to desire a genuine connection with another human.

So that being said, I had a blast from my romantic past who by all sane observations would have been deemed "not that into me" and who preyed on my insecurities for his personal gain, much to the chagrin of my close compadres who genuinely love me and knew I deserved far far better. Well, that person showed up at my workplace last week after years of no contact, to apparently apologize profusely for wronging me, and to make sure that I knew that he took my general loveliness for granted. It was simutaneously flattering and freaky, and of course I am skeptical based on past experience. In any case, it was nice to hear, albeit possibly ingenuine, but coming from someone that I once invested too much into to my mental detriment and who no longer holds the same power over me, it was satisfying and somewhat therapuetic.

I also just bought a car, a car whose only known problem by the owner was that it needed the brakes to be bled (from what I know a simple and inexpensive procedure), but turns out after taking it to the mechanic that the entire brake system needs to be replaced which would cost me a ridiculous amount of money, meanwhile being a hazard to drive. I called the folks that I purchased the car from (a nice seeming family just in need of some extra dough) and they agreed to refund me my money and take the car back via voicemail but they have yet to return my call to work out the details of that transaction. So, I got hornswaggled again in my search for a cheap used car. I just hope they actually take the car back, I'm nervous. *update* I talked to the previous owner and she was real cool about taking the car back so all is well.

It is cold as balls out there. My other car's doors were frozen shut this morning, it was quite unfortunate.

In other news, my father has gone off the conservative deep end. He texted me last week (had no idea he knew how to text) to get my email address. I never received anything from him. Yesterday my brother texted me asking for my email address saying that he and Dad were fighting and he wanted to forward the emails to me. Since my father had typed in my email address wrong I had not received the original email, which was a bunch of ridiculous right-wing rhetoric about the state of government and how soon enough our freedoms will be taken away and how we (his beloved children) should prepare ourselves for anarchy and make sure to protect ourselves against those that will go to any means necessary to take what they need. Also I should put all of my savings (which would consist of nothing) into silver and gold. My brother was offended that our father would purport to change the political views of his adult children in the span of three paragraphs of paranoia and delusion and replied as such, to which my father replied with a verbal attack against my brother and his lack of fiscal responsibility, and now they are not speaking. I see both sides, of course, my brother has a lot of harbored bitterness toward's 'ol pa, so I can see why he'd get more riled in the first place. Meanwhile, I could care less if pa is wants to spew his crazy notions, and kinda feel bad for the fellow since I guess he was well-meaning, but then he got unneccesarrily ugly towards my bro and that isn't cool.

Bah, I'm too lazy to prepare for anarchy.

slotheriffic

So next week I head to Chicago to have my JET interview, I'm quite excited that I at least made the first cut. Of course I'm a tad nervous, as I hear the program is pretty competetive, and I've also read that I should know a fair amount about Japan and it's history and also American history...and I know next to nothing about either. I dunno, I don't interview well, I am not a quick thinker who can easily come up with either a genuine or BS answer on the spot. I also don't like to talk about myself and sure don't do well at "selling" myself either, seeing as how I am generally under the assumption that almost anyone else can do the job better than I can. So I've ordered a couple books on Japan in the hopes of learning some goodies, and will attempt to pump up my confidence and acknowledge that I am a competent individual. A lot of me hopes I get accepted and finally move on to something bigger and better that will allow me to travel while actually making a decent living, while a part of me hopes I don't get accepted because I'm comfortable and have a home and a job and if I stick around I'll still have friends and they won't forget about me because I'll be gone for a year or two.

I keep thinking about baking yeasted bread type things. I wish I wasn't so lazy, I seriously laid around like a sloth in my own stench most of this past weekend and accomplished absolutely nothing other than gorging on unhealthy foods, oh wait, I saw "He's Just Not That Into You" after which I resumed my post on the sofa and watched more Northern Exposure instead of party-going as I had planned. The movie didn't do much to dispel women's romantic hopes and delusions, but it was funny. Meanwhile I have craploads of hobbies that I want to embark on, and I should maybe like, read or something.

a breath of fresh air

That is what I like to think of myself as, a breath of fresh air.


It has been confirmed by the blogosphere...all the eligible men are taken, so there is no point. I actually gave a go at fulfilling one of my goals and giving a young man the f*** me eyes this past weekend. He wasn't quite a stranger as I've met him a couple times before which made it easier, and more laughable since I frankly can't take myself seriously when attempting to be seductive. Also I was with my young friend (the one who bagged the only attractive single dude on NYE), who I used to not feel, shall I say for fear of sounding conceited, threatened by per se when it came to picking up dudes, but have since learned that she is an expert at it since she mananges to pick up dudes wherever she goes whereas...I am and do not. Yeah, I know it's part of the whole mating game, and I thought maybe I could handle the potential rejection since the only loss would be the little bit of self-esteem that remains, but I'm not sure if I can even risk that. I hit my prime a couple years ago where I felt cute, charming, witty, smart, thin...I was going places! I could attract cute dudes who actually read quality literature!, but failure has pushed me past that prime and I now I feel silly (and fat and also old). I also have like to hold out hope that some handsome, young-ish, intelligent, incredibly witty lad will be charmed by my awkwardness and will think me cute enough to be attentive and it'll be one of those rare times that I feel at ease (though probably with the aid of alcohol) and I'll feel semi-confident which will result in a decent conversation during which I portray myself as being somewhat funny and maybe even a little smart and there will be no need for f*** me eyes because the sparks will be a-flyin' and our inability to stop gazing at each other lustfully will be in full force and the flirting will all be quite natural.

Yeah, right. Or god forbid it happens and then at some point down the road, out of nowhere I'm dropped like a hot potato, devastated with a newfound sense of feeling destined to be alone.

Anyways, I can barely remember being 25, hell, I can barely remember 27, although I felt a pang of nostalgia over a memory of living in the (not literally) frat house. I have a serious nostalgia problem that I don't think can be fixed, and everything is transient so I'm essentially screwed. Therapy would possibly help except I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out for therapy.

underwhelmed

I'm re-watching old episodes of Felicity again, I had forgotten how embarrassing Felicity is during her freshman year, and I find Ben to be more attractive, when in the past I've always thought Noel was more attractive. I think this is telling, and not in a good way...Ben is the popular dude who can get any girl, is more insensitive than Noel (although Noel certainly has his moments), and a overall screw-up. This concerns me since as I get older and more mature I should be finding Noel to be increasingly more attractive. Perhaps it should also concern me that I'm guaging my personal growth on a TV show.

In other exciting news I got a flash drive for Christmas and am pleased to report that I was able to back up my music and my photos onto it.

Whoo, I know that really must have almost made you pass out with excitement.

I feel also that I maybe was a little harsh on my 'ol pa in my last post...he's a decent dude, I just think to say that he inspires adoration in any of his children's hearts is quite a stretch of the imagination. Adoration is a pretty strong word.

So yeah, Felicity and flash drives are about the extent of excitement that I can handle these days. Christmas with the family was standard, me feeling generally awkward while my paranoia feeds and tells me that my family thinks I'm weird, which drives me to mostly sit by myself and play sudoku the entire time that I'm there. As far as my baked goods, my cookies went over well, but the eggnog cupcakes that I slaved over were barely touched. These cupcakes consisted of an eggnog flavored cake, which was filled with eggnog pastry cream, frosted with bourbon cream cheese frosting and decorated with a frosting poinsetta. I understand if you don't like eggnog, but my family likes eggnog yet barely a cupcake was eaten. I give up. NYE was spent in Chicago mostly with people I don't now a solid 6-7 years younger than myself and mostly coupled, and of course the friend I was with bagged the only attractive single dude there. I'm starting to feel lame and ugly and general malaise. In any case, the rest of my time in the windy city was nice, seeing friends and eating greek food and such. Sally and myself went on the great hotdog hunt of 2009. Surprisingly enough when I arrived home I had quite an appreciation for Minneapolis, mostly the ease of parking and getting from point a to point b, and I just kinda like it.

Hopefully, if I get a hefty tax refund, I will be in the market for a new beater. I really scored a lemon with this most recent car purchase. I guess it runs and stuff, but the list the mechanic gave me of stuff that needs fixing at my most recent oil change is pretty overwhelming, and I think I can do better. I was too trusting, thinking the dude who sold me my car was a nice old dad type who wouldn't screw me over...I was wrong. Hopefully I can get a couple hundred bucks for my car and invest that into a decent beater costing me an overall $300-500.

Looking forward to spring, only 3 or 4 months now.

All I want for Christmas is you

I was told by my brother-in-law that I "better do some baking" for Christmas this year, though I do believe I've baked at least one cream cheese sugar cookies every year in the past few years anyways. So I'm exhausted but I'm baking some damn cookies, along with some cupcakes. But watch, I'll bring my slaved over baked goods to Christmas and they probably won't get eaten because there will already be too many baked goods that were already baked by my sister and said BIL. This is what happened for Thanksgiving anyways. I swear going to culinary school was the dumbest decision of my life, if only because I'm always expected to bake (from scratch obviously), and of course bake well...and I know when people are lying to me about how tasty something I've made is. Really there is no need to rave over something that I know only tastes mediocre at best. Well, I'm tired and I don't want to bake anymore, I just want to watch Felicity.

Me being the only one in the house who is required to work the day prior to and following the Christmas holiday, it has been rather lonely in the house, especially after a couple weeks spent crafting and decorating and listening to Christmas classics together in our cozy home. At least I have the cats for company. I was in a decent spirit too until the other day, it just isn't the same baking alone. I don't even want to go home for Christmas, if it wasn't for the food I'd opt out. Yeah, I'm feeling a little -funk-ey (not the good kind). Fujipants comes on friday though and we'll party it up, then I'll be in Duluth with family again. Haha, I was just thinking back to Thanksgiving and having a conversation with my stepmum about my eldest sister, who is kinda crazy and childish, and how they had this spat last year. Anyways, she was saying if it is so torturous for my sister to come home, why does she continue to do it, then went on to say that she knows my sister adores my Dad. I almost spit my wine out as I'm not certain that any of us children would put adoration in the pot of feelings that we have towards our father, especially knowing my sister's aversion for going to "the farm". I mean, we pretty much all have the same shallow relationship and resulting uncomfortable feelings when it comes to 'ol Pa, but whatever, I guess if my stepmum wants to be delusional about the man she loves that is her perogative. Unfortunately I'll be the only one of his spawn to grace the table on the actual day of Christmas and therefore I won't as easily be able to melt into my surroundings and avoid any of those questions that may come up about my pathetic life.

Well, I received confirmation that the JET program did in fact receive my application, and I should find out towards the end of January if I get an interview. I thought my chances were decent until I was reading some FAQs that a former JET had written up in which he stressed the importance of having a good GPA (like 3.3) if you want to get accepted. Well, mine was like 2.9, not that hot. He also said that only a quarter to a half of applicants get in! I knew I wasn't a shoe-in, but I thought my chances were slightly better than that, good grief, I'm screwed.

moody

I feel ill, self induced by over-eating and over-drinking no doubt. I nominate myself for "roll of the day".

Well, I do believe I have officially stopped thinking about anything of any importance. I have, however, obsessed lately over cat urine and holiday crafting. I also have a pathetic tale to tell for your reading pleasure...

Yesterday being the arrival of recently posted about young man, I did not hesistate to get sloshed out of my mind last night. I had been assigned the task of making a birthday cake for our volunteer, George (Charlie Kaufman's father-in-law). First of all the cake did not turn out at all, it wasn't moist and cake like at all, it was dense and dry, not sure if it was the recipe or a mistake on my end. So, I figured oh well, popped on some Elliot Smith (fit my mood) and frosted and decorated it regardless, whilst throwing back a couple brews. I proceeded to text my drinking buddy Mike because otherwise I feared that I would show up at the bar that I knew -he- was going to be at thanks to the evil that is facebook listening to a band that I legitimately enjoy so it wouldn't be totally unusual that I would be there. As much as I wanted to show up drunk and emotional and see him with his beloved and his friends that I used to hang out with and probably make an enormous ass of myself I thankfully decided that would be a poor decision. I needed a distraction. By the time my roomies came home though we started crafting and listening to Christmas tunes and I was feeling content, but Mike got back to me and was willing to drink. Since I was already four beers in when he picked me up, it didn't take much to thoroughly drown away any negative emotions I may have been feeling. It was just what I needed, but I feel pathetic for even still caring. I guess I'm not used to people cutting me out of their lives, period, but definitely not for no discernable reason. I mean, not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty well liked by those who get to know me. I think Not a Girl, Not yet a Wino says it best here..

"That even when not riding the church train, we owe people something more in this life. You can try to run from it, you can say that not calling her the day after a drunken lickfest is the way that people do it. But it isn’t the way you or I or we should be doing it. And this isn’t preaching. Plain and simple, it reeks of an era when we didn’t walk upright and beating your hairy chest wasn’t something done as a post-coital joke. You owe something more to the people who you choose to let into your life. Give them anything less than your best and you’re cheating yourself – screw the him or her you’ve known for a month – of the opportunity to be something more than the guy next to you at the bar who drinks Bud bottles* and avoids his wife’s repeated cell calls."

I have a flaw, or perchance a strength, or some combination thereof, of often thinking too highly of people or not doubting their motives enough. I also think in so many shades of gray that I can justify most sides to a conflict especially in regards to human emotions. In any case, I didn't expect to be treated so poorly, because I hope people would give their best, and that when they inevitable fail, that they do their best to correct the wrong. Of course I'm certain I need to work on this myself.

It doesn't help that I was quite fond of him and I -thought- he felt the same and nobody has piqued my interest in quite the same way since, not that I've really been looking. Jenni, however, has set forth a goal for me to give the f**k me eyes to the next dude that interests me, which is so not my style of being socially awkward and trying to avoid eye contact at all costs. It also really really sucks to be hurt and deal with that pain, and sometimes I think I may be fine just thinking about cat pee rather than obsessing over a man or getting involved in something that will more likely fail than succeed.

That said I obviously could sure use a date, geez, two lengthy posts on something that I barely have talked to my closest friends about. Not to mention I should be so over it by now.

Must nap now.

de-frag my brain

I'm currently trying to de-frag my laptop because it is so damn slow, and then rip some cd's so that I can sell them so that I'll hopefully have enough money to prevent overdrawing my checking account. Good times. My goal was to be fabricing my walls today, but that is just going to have to wait I guess.

Boy, I feel I was quite nuerotic in my last post, clearly I don't get out much. Actually, I do get out a fair amount. Clearly I haven't had a date in far too long. Even a crush would be good for me.

Hooray, onto 3% defragged, this is going to take a while.

I wish I could de-frag my brain, perhaps it would run more smoothly and be less -fragmented-.

cornucopia, a "horn of plenty" if you will

So yeah, I'm kinda petty about stupid things, I never said I wasn't weird, or petty. I may in fact be one of the most petty people I know, the stupidest things make me angry. I get angry when people are trying to be nice to me, depending on what they are being nice about of course (like telling me my lunch looks good), which is just weird and I'm sure means I'm mentally ill in some way. Please still be nice to me since general run of the mill niceness still makes me happy, and even if the niceness does make me angry I will just dwell and fester in silence, unless I internally snap, in which case someone will receive my wrath.

I forewent exercise last night in favor of going out for happy hour with best co-worker friend who got sacked and whose last day is today. I porked out. I had beer (2) AND pizza AND wings. I was going to exercise, but I didn't have time to grab my gym clothes, and the gym was right across the street from the restaurant and it seemed silly to walk ALL the way home (3 1/2 blocks) in the drizzle just to get my gym clothes and then walk ALL the way back to the gym. Plus I was a little tipsy and smoking a cigarette sounded way more appealing than trying to manuever the elliptical while tipsy.

Well, I really thought this was going to be my year, the year that I win at McDonald's monopoly. I got off to a good start... the first day of monopoly we had a coffee crisis at the office in that we were out of coffee. This obviously, would not do, so myself and a co-worker volunteered to go to McDonald's (there is one in the hospital) to get several large coffees, all of which had the stickers. I proceeded to steal all the stickers, approx. 16. Then co-workers started giving me their stickers as I assumed the role of Monopoly Master. I believe that they assumed I would share any winnings I might receive with them, unbeknownst to them I planned to secretly hoard and enjoy any wealth selfishly, as is my nature. However, monopoly has come to an end, another year has gone by with my student loans being just as high as before (curse private colleges).

Speaking of mental illness, I find myself actually looking forward to winter this year. Maybe it is due to living in a house which gives me this cozy mental image of comfort. I find myself visiting the Martha Stewart website a bit more often these days, searching out delectible fall delights to bake, or craft ideas on how to dress up a cornucopia for an eye pleasing display. This is quite a shift from last year, when I was deep in my funk and staring into the black hole of winter with a feeling of despair. Combination of feeling that the past year of my life invested in culinary school had been a waste...both financially and timewise, and let's see, experiencing cripplingly low self esteem because of a stupid boy of course. Him being the reason I am in need of a cute boyfriend, since according to facebook (Facebook is so evil sometimes), he will be coming to MN for a visit in Dec. The pathetic synopsis of our "relationship" in case anyone cares...we "casually" dated for 3 months, I got the "I can't be in a relationship right now because I just broke up with my girlfriend of several years blah blah blah blah (or insert other excuse here), but I really really like you and really want to spend time with you but we have to keep it 'casual', exept I'll totally act like you are my girlfriend, until you expect me to treat you with common human decency in which case I will be an asshole and remind you that we are not 'in a relationship' which OF COURSE excuses my behavior of treating you not only as lesser than someone that I claim to like and want to date, but worse than my worse enemy" (phew, no bitterness here, really). I of course fall for this because I have low self esteem and the boy is cute and smart and funny and reads and appears to like me just enough to keep me in his clutches. In this particular case, the boy was planning on going to grad school in mere months after we started dating so I knew it would come to an end, I however, didn't know he would become just distant enough in the weeks prior to leaving to keep me hanging, becoming completely confused, self esteem rapidly waning and ultimately resulting in feeling pathetic and desperate. The culmination of our time together was him making plans with me the weekend prior to him leaving for the east coast, him not calling me to even break the plans like a decency would expect, but no, him just plain not calling me ever again, no goodbyes, no nothing. Then I of course spiral into what is wrong with me that this keeps happening to me (cause it certainly isn't the first time I've been bamboozled by a boy). And of course I hear through the grapevine a mere 2 1/2 months later that he has a GIRLFRIEND. Of course he would meet someone who he would deem worthy of GIRLFRIEND status so soon, and how could I have fallen for the B.S. of "I'm just not ready to be serious" except in 2 months I will have a capital G GIRLFRIEND, and then in another few months will move in with her. This also tends to happen, the boy who gives me the "I can't be in a relationship" excuse then gets into an immediate relationship with the next girl that he starts dating instantaneously after he rips my heart from my chest, blood still fresh on his hands. Really, I only wish happiness...so glad that he is able to move on so quickly...I'm so totally not bitter. Meanwhile, pickings are slim in the love arena for me, I mean, I'm 29, most eligible bachelors are hitched or in serious relationships already, and the rest appear to be idiotic douchebags. If I wait it out a few years though I'll be able to snatch up the divorcees.

Ah, I know, I shouldn't take this as a negative reflection on me but I just can't help it, it's the dysthymia! So that on top of feeling like the biggest loser (not weight wise, unfortunately), because I had just wasted a year of my life and several thousands of dollars on schooling for a career that generally pays peanuts, well, I was in full funk mode. I'm better now. A year ago an impending visit from said boy would have sent me spiraling, but I only care a little now (can't you tell?, no really, I SO just barely care, for real, I mean just cause I spent an hour writing about it doesn't mean I care), and while I'm certainly not going to be seeing the, as you will, ex non-boyfriend, it would still be nice to have an attractive lad on my arm when he is in relative close proximity.

I also have recently discovered that most of the nurses I work with are on anti-depressants. Makes me reconsider going on them again since it is apparently the thing to do these days.

I am certain this time that I definitely have mouth cancer and will have to have a chunk of my face surgically removed, then I certainly won't get a date.

pork me

We aren't supposed to be "fat-talking" here at work, but I am, my friends, large and in charge. I haven't weighed myself in the past couple weeks (scale went -very slightly- down last time I did), however I have been porking out on candy and baked goods, as if there is literally no tomorrow which will bring more candy/baked goods. Exercise? P-shaw! I've conveniently given myself some "time off" because I feel I deserved it after being so busy last week preparing for our party. I believe I just hit rock bottom by eating a pumpkin cream cheese swirl brownie that had gone bad, and yet I continued to eat it. Hardly anyone ate the baked goods that I spent damn near an entire day baking for our party so I've been trying to unsuccessfully get rid of them here and there. I'm frankly, a little hurt. I mean, my co-workers will eat pretty much anything unhealthy no matter how disgusting it may be or look. I brought in multitudes of cupcakes ("creepcakes"), and they are going rather slowly, most of them don't even look gross or taste that bad!! Just a little old and dry maybe. I guess that teaches me to over-extend myself with the baking.

One of my pet peeves here at work is how much people take interest in what I'm eating for lunch. I could care less what other people are eating unless I'm going to head to the same cafeteria and want to see what they are serving for the day. Meanwhile, my co-workers need to get all up in my tonsil and be like "oh, that's weird" or "that looks good" or "that smells good, what do you have". Today I had a f**cking fake chicken patty on 2 slices of bread with some garlic (target brand mind you, nothing terribly fancy) mayo and a (pre-sliced) slice of havarti cheese. Can I eat my f**cking chicken patty in peace without someone saying "oh, that smells good, what do you have" and I have to be like a f**cking fake chicken patty that I just microwaved and slapped on some bread with some cheese and mayo. I don't know why, but it makes me almost livid with annoyance and frustration when people comment or ask me about my lunch. Other things at work make me well up in anger almost to the point of exploding such as last week, when I left the office for about an hour to run an errand. While I was gone our volunteer (Charlie Kaufman's Father in Law), came. He is a sweet 76 year old man who hobbles around on a cane and is very petite. I return to the office, and head back to my cube only to discover that my chair is gone. It is being used by George. My Co-worker TOOK MY CHAIR when she knew I would be back shortly. Lest I sound like an asshole for being upset that she gave my chair to an old man to use, be aware that there were THREE UN-USED CHAIRS IN THE NEAR VICINITY (like really near, closer than my cubicle). I mean un-used! As in NOBODY was going to sit in them at all during that particular day, yet she takes my chair that I have adjusted to my liking and am accustomed to sitting in and gives it to George. This is the same co-worker that asks me about my lunch damn near every day. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have it out for me so it was just pure lack of reasoning skills that inspired her to abdicate my chair from it's rightful placement instead of something like spite. Then, THEN, out of pure frustration and anger and principle I "became the bad guy" and ASKED AN OLD MAN to get up from my chair so I could replace it with an un-used one. Then my other co-worker proceeded to push my buttons and guilt trip me about asking George to switch chairs. This whole scenario from start to finish made me very angry and caused me to snap...and yell and give the silent treatment. I was also very tired because I had spent the entire day prior baking cupcakes that nobody ended up eating.

Our party was a smashing success, I think anyways. Lot's of people, house looked pretty great for the most part, people seemed to have a good time, great costumes, etc. I did indeed manage to pull my boy george costume together in time and think I did a pretty decent job at it.

And yay for Obama!

Tonight I will exercise.

I need a cute boyfriend by December 18th.

goodness

I almost forgot to mention that we finally went to the Corn Maze! A couple of the 'ol roomies and myself joined by a couple buddies made it out. This was no easy task considering the level of pain mine and Cassie's bodies were in due to the previous evening of heavy drinking, I truly was unsure if I was going to make it. But make it I did and we corn-pleated the maze successfully, it was grand fun and the weather was more than ideal for corn-mazing.

pondering the prairie

While hungover and watching TV yesterday this documentary came on and I was immediately riveted since I love old stuff and am especially fascinated by abandoned farmsteads. It was good, but I was a bit dissapointed in the lack of personalized stories regarding the farms, it was more a general history about the settling of the upper midwest and the rise and fall of farming culture. In any case it is crazy to imagine what it'd be like to be one of the first settlers on an expanse of prairie, especially an immigrant with very few material posessions. You just pick a spot of land and figure out how to make a shelter, I mean did they even have tent or something for the first week or two? It is just wild to think about.

So yeah, was pretty horrifically hungover yesterday. I'm finding my liver just can't take on the alcohol like it used to, it is getting old and worn and tired. Went to two parties Sat. evening and started off the night drinking some good but very sweet and alcoholic punch that did not start off the evening on a good foot. Then my companion/sober driver insisted upon refilling my cup so that she could walk by her ex-bf as many times as possible even though I didn't want anymore punch, I just wanted beer. Needless to say I was sufficiently lit by the time we got to to 2nd party where they had mostly run out of booze, except for some nasty cheap wine and peach bacardi. I proceeded to get sloppy drunk and found myself drinking a scavenged half empty (or half full if looking at it in a more positive light), warm bottle of finnegans. I remember feeling quite disgusted with myself yet I continued to drink it. Sign of an alcoholic?? Perhaps. I don't know if I made a huge ass of myself or not...no, I'm sure I must have.

We are having a Halloween housewarming party. I'm aiming to be Boy George this year though if that falls through I still have my zombie costume from last year. I hope people show up.

Let's see...I have not gotten any part time employment that I have applied for, though I have at least had a couple of actual interviews which is a step in the right direction I suppose. I was pretty bummed about the coffee shop gig, it was so perfect.

getting sacked

No, fortunately I'm not getting sacked, but my supervisor is, well, getting laid off is I suppose the nicer term. This is quite sad since she has been here a very long time and is a very sweet lady. My very best office friend is also getting sacked b/c now that our manager is gone we have to answer to the next higher up now, who happens to be her mother, which happens to be against policy. Also on the near horizon is a co-worker retiring and another going on maternity leave, and by the way, we are under a hiring freeze. So basically, the rest of us sad saps are going to be in rough shape in about a month taking on A LOT more work. Then I'll probably get sacked too which would totally suck, although maybe give me the ass-kicking I need to step it up, and hopefully a decent severance package.

Anyways, I keep thinking it is 2009.

The 'mates and I had our first cozy evening together in the new home, lighting up our first fire in the stove and watching the VP debate whilst imbibing on autumnal brews and eating fries with special Columbian mayo. The place is still basically in shambles with boxes hither and thither, but we've made somewhat of a dent.

After some much needed rest, I'm somewhat less crabby.

dead inside

I am a monstrous crab today, which can only be remedied by alcohol consumption. Alas, I am broke until friday and therefore have to drink what we have on hand, which isn't much.

I missed my blogiversary again, so happy belated blogiversary to me. To celebrate, I will probably go home and sleep because today I hate people, then wake up, drink so that I can tolerate being around people, then go to see Liam Finn and drink pabst on special.

Part of my crabbiness is being tired from moving for three and a half days, then needing to unpack and not having the energy or storage in our new home. Plus the landlord said we could likely paint and has now reneged and I abhor the color of my room, so I either will beg, or have to fabric my walls. Also, everyone seems smug about something or another that is just going swell while I meanwhile continue to hate my life.

I had an interview for a very part time job yesterday that I think I would really enjoy but probably won't get.

So there.

age-ism

I'm a bad daughter, I keep meaning to call my mother who's birthday was 2 days ago, but when I actually remember to do it I figure I'll do it later at a more convenient time, then forget when it is a convenient time. We aren't really big on birthdays in my family, I feel pretty lucky if any member of the fam so much as phones me on my birthday, or even a day or so off. In fact, my own father has gotten it into his head the past few years that my birthday is the day before the actual date, and I haven't had the heart to correct him. I mean sure, he's one of the key components to my existance and one would hope that the blessed day that he his last born entered this world would be so seared in his mind that he could remember that the anniversary of said date falls on the 4th and not the 3rd, but in the end it really is inconsequential. Hell, I'm lucky if I remember to send him a card on the day of his birthday so that it arrives a day or two after.

Speaking of birthdays, I find myself talking a lot about being almost 30, in a negative light. I never thought I'd be one of persons who would freak out about age, and I of course have no negative feelings towards anyone in their 30's based on their age alone, many of them still even manage to remain cool after entering the next decade of their life. I don't know, I suppose not really accomplishing ANY life goals that one should accomplish according to societal standards is putting a damper on getting older. I guess I manage to support myself, but just barely. I certainly don't have any marriage prospects nor will I likely anytime soon if ever. Even if I were to get married I don't feel a huge maternal urge to have a baby. This past year kinda crippled my self-esteem in a way I hadn't experienced in a while, and feeling like I wasted a year and lots of money going to culinary school was quite unfortunate. I know I'm not alone in my angst, it just feels like it sometimes when you see your peers doing well in either career, or family, or creatively or what have you and you just slog along. Thankfully people always peg me as being in my mid-20's so at least I don't look old, this excites me! (and also sets me up to be a quality couger).

I freakin' love Neko Case. Saw her last week live and she was mesmerizing and funny.

I made some -frankly- really tasty lettuce wraps the other night. I'm trying to cook healthy meals for myself so that I don't eat out so much. The act of cooking doesn't much excite me as much as baking does, but baked goods are certainly not helping me win the battle of the bulge. Even when I "share" what I've baked I find myself hording a few servings for myself to enjoy over the course of a few days. I worry about my weight a lot these days, part of the fat kid syndrome where I really don't want to become chubby again, really don't want that at all. I mean I'm not going to develop an eating disorder so don't worry, but just trying to exercise and be more concious of what I'm eating sure doesn't hurt. And I also worry about TURNING 30, and my metabolism slowing...and wrinkles...and gray hair.

Oh, and my anxiety is much better today. I'm kinda bummed though, I've been looking for new blog reading material to distract me through the day, and lots 'o folks who have had their blogs for as long or less time than I have actually have a readership! Some of them have several readers and commenters, I think I have maybe 4, and those are friends of mine who I think feel obligated to read, and yet I write as though people actually read this thing. I don't care that much but wonder a little if people don't like me.