more of my work

These are some paintings I did in school for a series on children, urban and suburban. It was kind of a study on differences and similarities btwn children in those different environments. I don't know how much I learned about the subject since it wasn't extensive, but I did have some interesting experiences and something I would like to explore further in the future. One painter that I admire is Alice Neel, she does mostly portrait painting which is what I like to do as well. I get pleased and excited when someone sits for me and I come out with a painting that first looks like them and hopefully says something about their inner workings.

I had an eye exam yesterday (not for the hydrochloric acid scare, my eye feels fine now), but to get a new pair of glasses. It was the coolest thing because I went to this tiny office downtown next to a psychic, and the doctor had to be in his sixties, who was very kind. The equipment he had looked like it was as old as he was, there wasn't the little machine you look into or one of those flipping lenses things, he had a big box with a bunch of lenses in columns that he would drop into the slot in whatever that thing you look through is called. I imagine he just was comfortable with his way of doing things and had no need for the new technology, and he was pretty efficient and definately knowledgeable. I loved it cause I love that old shit, my mom has always been very into antiques, she will find the weirdest little knick knacks and just be creative with them, which I appreciate much more now than when I was a kid. Not to mention my love for the Village of Yesteryear located in my lovely hometown of Owatonna, MN. Its a bunch of old buildings set up like they would have been back in the late 1800's or so I think?. Always necessary to explore during the county fair. I like imagining life back in the olden days, so I felt kind like I got to step back in time a little yesterday. And he was really excited to tell me about the dog that hangs out there chewing on his bone.

Roderick
Originally uploaded by snielson.

Corey

girl at school

picture happy

Since I have finally been successful at uploading my pics, I went a little nuts, but that was last week St. Patty's day and also Jenni's birthday.

Sally and me

eye

I think I got hydrochloric acid in my eye when cleaning last night, just in the corner, not the cornea, and it just felt a little funny last night and today. I have no idea if it was hydrochloric acid, I just read that was in the toilet bowl cleaner which got on my hands. Or I could just be paranoid.

working hard or hardly working

I've been busting my hump here at work, well, not exactly, but I have to step up my antepartum duties while Sandy is on vacation and I don't have near the knowledge she does, nor did she have time to share some of her knowledge with me before she left. In any case I think I'm doing a mighty fine job if I do say so myself at figuring things out. One would never know however, since all we do around here is talk behind backs, myself included. I need more discipline in that area, but such satisfaction can be derived sometimes by throwing some sarcasm around or pointing out annoyances of friend or coworker to another understanding friend or coworker instead of just saying it to the person's face. I fear the reaction of the other person or want to avoid the awkwardness of a possible conflict. Some folks get good at being tactful, yet straightforward, some straightforward but not tactful. Throw in the skewed perspectives of all involved and who knows what can happen. Such as the other night, Jenni and I were at the RD (red dragon, the local friendly dive) enjoying a pitcher, having pleasant conversation, and she said something that I don't think was meant to be offensive, but b/c I'm sensitive and am somewhat f-ed up I get offended. And since I was less guarded with my tongue after three or four beers I in turn offended her. I think I rectified it by singing wind beneath my wings to her and apologizing. My point is that it sucks that it can be difficult to talk about problems or concerns constructively, or maybe its just me that sucks.

I also have to be honest with myself about how many excuses I make for myself or my dissatisfaction with my life, or even if I'm really that dissatisfied or if I have to live in a state of some dissatisfaction so I can feel sorry for myself and use that as another excuse. When do you accept your limitations to the point where they stop holding you back and you figure out how to work with them, the "in your weakness you will find strength" bit.

I'm having a partylite party tomorrow, I don't think anyone is coming cause I scheduled it the thurs. before easter, and people go out of town. I did that b/c Jenny P. told me she could come cause she is on spring break, but failed to remember and remind me that she was going to be in Jamaica this week. Well, I guess for sure three poeple are coming and I made Olivia promise to be there.

My mom is funny, I overdrew my account because I was 2 minutes late in getting my check in for yesterdays business, so I borrowed some money from her and she said I didn't have to pay her back if I give her a ride home from the airport. She was going to take a cab all the way to Faribault from the airport (about 45 min.) I feel bad that she didn't think to just ask me in the first place, cause she's my mom and she helps me, and its no problem for me. I hope she doesn't think its a bother or that I just don't care, which may be the case.

need I say more

bono

I will be seeing him live in concert, sometime in Sept. thanks to Jenni and Todd. Thanks guys!! Jenni I love you and I'm sorry if I offended you last night!, and I don't only love you b/c your husb. got me U2 tickets, and I love you too Todd!, and not only b/c you got me U2 tickets.

I'm not rejected

My dad just called and said they were having dinner at their house on sunday. I'm hoping to hook up with my high school buddies who are in the family way while I'm home as well.

I would like to say that I do have goals, a plan somewhat for the near future. I want to do Americorps and I want to do it out east, hopefully Philly. Since you make less than $1000/month doing americorps, I want to have as few bills as possible, requiring me to pay off my credit card debt, which I think I can do in the next year. I also have to find a program, apply and be accepted, which I've sort of looked into but not real thoroughly. So, no I do not plan to be working at OB homecare the rest of my life, nor do I want to move somewhere and do a similar job just to pay the bills. I hope to get experience working in an area I'm interested in, preferably art related, and the bonus of getting money back toward my student loans.

felicity

I just signed up for netflix, they have all four seasons of Felicity. Olivia thinks she hates TV, but I know she will succumb to the charms of Felicity. I'm so excited.

I went to a tastefully simple party yesterday and ate a lot, then went to church and ate lots of cake. I feel a bit large today. Finally springlike temps have arrived, well, it was about 30 degrees this morning and I didn't need to wear my coat. A good thing since the heat stopped working in my car the other day. I could in theory go for a jog to combat my fat intake from the weekend, I'm pretty sure that will not happen.

My family has not called me about plans for Easter, I think they may be rejecting me this year. Oh well, at least I have Jesus.

My ex-roomate didn't call me, but if I go home this weekend I will likely drop off her stuff.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

with all the snow right now. I want a big slice of cheesecake.

Why is LP running all over the office? All the nurses that work here are referred to by their initials to make it easier to schedule and whatnot.

I looked up about color changes in animals. This is what I learned on this site

"The color changes in all of these animals are, for the most part, the result of changes in certain star-shaped pigment-bearing cells in the skin, called chromatophores. Different ones contain granules of black, yellow, orange or red pigment. In a dark-colored animal, for example, the chromatophores with black pigment have the granules scattered throughout the cell. When the skin fades these granules become concentrated into a microscopic dot, leaving the remainder of the cell colorless. This exposes chromatophores with other colors. Still deeper in the skin are glistening silvery cells that reflect light like a mirror. The control of these color changes involves the retina of the eye, nervous system, the hormones in the blood, and so forth. The story becomes very complicated."

I feel

gross cause I ate some bad fried fish and mashed potatoes for lunch that cost way too much. Tired and sore cause I went to O'Gara's for Jenni's birthday/St. Patty's day and it was really crowded so my feet hurt and I think I was tense trying to avoid touching people, I was home by eleven, so I don't know why I'm so tired other than I'm introverted and had my energy sucked.
I had a good time though after I got over my distaste at being in a crowded Irish pub on St. Patty's day.

Cassie, I tried to post comments but they aren't showing. What the heck is that creature?? That isn't the Walrus is it?? It is an odd looking thing.
I wish to see a giant octopus someday (and a walrus). Octopuses can change color, I don't know how an animal can do that, how does the skin or whatever sense the color and change?? Maybe I will ask Jeeves.

I will likely see my former roomate this weekend cause she will be in the cities and I have some of her things to return to her. I don't hate her, but nor am I fond of her and I haven't seen her in almost a year so it may be interesting, she may want to talk about things and reconcile. That may be good, but I don't really feel up to it, cause her explanations didn't cut it for me. So, along with the forgiveness theme, I know I need to forgive her, but I still feel angry almost a year later. I'm not sure what to do about it.

personalized plates

I saw two of them today, one that said GOOBER, the other was TOTAL B. Fuj used to have one, FUJ97, hehe.

Okay, we think the guy that moved in upstairs is a little strange, he makes goofy comments when he see's us like, "you look like you've been walking in the snow for days!" And then when I had insomnia last night from too much happy hour beer and went to get some milk, he had written a note in response to Olivia's request that whoever was doing laundry to not do it late because the dryer buzzes like five times. The note said something along the lines of the charming beauty needing her beauty sleep, something about drinking before bed to drown out the bells, signed the bellringer, with a P.S. about some song by Patti LaBelle with ding aling aling. It was too much to comprehend at 3 a.m., but we had a good chuckle about it this morning.

Jenni and I were at the Red Dragon yesterday afternoon and this woman proceeded to chat drunkenly about her cats then introduced the guy she was with (probably in his 50's) as so and so, her best friend and he's a virgin. I'm not sure if he minded being introduced as that, but she mentioned it like five times. It was just funny to me that the poor guy's identity was the virgin, he had a good sense of humor about it though.

stupid popups

since when did all these popups pop up when you get on to blogger??

I'm jealous of Cassie because she got to pet a walrus and have it suck her hand.

I'm hungry still

I have no motivation to work, maybe some outkast is in order.

you make me wanna la la

I got my hair cut yesterday and it was very Ashlee Simpson the way he cut and styled it, I must say I do have a schnoz rivaling hers so it probably suits me. For those who insist that I don't have a big nose, I do, and I'm ok with it, really. Thanks to women such as Ashlee and Sarah Jessica and Meryl Streep? etc., not having a cute little nose does not necessarily make a woman less attractive. Nor do I mind my ten to fifteen gray hairs, its not like I'm turning prematurely gray, my hairdresser seemed shocked that I didn't care.

This past weekend I was talking to Cassie and we touched briefly on the subject of forgiveness. We pondered how much to forgive if it is a ongoing issue with the other person, or if forgiving or making excuses for the behavior just encourages the behavior. Do we need to feel that the other person is sorry, or understands the depth of their offense before we forgive?? I don't think so. Obviously forgiving can't be forced, so how do you get to that point when you've been burned pretty bad? I usually feel after a certain amount of time it becomes a moot point, like you just grow to not care in the same way that you did before and its water under the bridge, but that isn't always the case, especially with family or friends that you have been really close to, then the hurt becomes less understandable maybe, like how could so and so possibly do this to me if they cared at all about me. But, it happens, and the hard part is assesing how much more to invest in the relationship.

Anyways, also since Easter is coming up sin and grace become a more prominent theme. Jesus on the cross, having unconditional love and grace, being tortured because of our sin. Nothing that is easy to wrap your head around. In fact, I can't focus enough on the subject right now to ponder it at all.

Speaking of forgiveness, I hope to be forgiven for wanting to get intoxicated on thursday, I think I get intoxicated in moderation so it should be okay.

polar vortex

That is what is keeping the springtime temps at bay, the polar vortex.

I have a hard time accepting that someone would rather not have me in their life, that they can fathom increased happiness without my presence. There have been a couple people in my life that I consider (or had considered) friends that purposefully have cut me out of their life, this past year in fact. Neither one of which really was a positive addition to my life, so it shouldn't matter, and in the end it doesn't, I can't control anyone. In the one case I did nothing deserving that or care much for that matter, and the other case was, well complex. Its not like I'm a heinous bitch or anything, I think I'm quite a decent friend for the most part, minus my sarcasm and occasional emotional outbursts. It is sad to me that you can achieve certain level of intimacy, invested time into something and it can be dismissed just like that, and I get a bad case of nostalgia from time to time that doesn't help for getting over it. It is a polar vortex of the heart. Ah well, maybe I just have to have more tumultuous relationships to develop a thicker skin.

It's like a blizzard out right now. Good night to cozy up with some flicks and california rolls, unless I can convince someone to drive to uptown to have a beer with me, I really want to get a beer tonight.

wide open

I got my fancy dancing fix last night, and we also played the Karoake game. The two (Jenny P.) of us were hysterically disasterous at singing “Under Pressure”, and “Burn” by Usher. Usher’s right though, sometimes you just gotta let it burn.

I almost forgot how great the album Instant Vintage is by Raphael Saadiq. I went out a couple times with a guy last year that looks quite a bit like Raphael Saadiq, especially with the skirt. He was an interesting and intelligent guy, but a little too strange for me, he played dungeons and dragons for F sake, not to mention the erotic dancing and S&M. Gotta love the people you meet in Uptown, people who will recite you a poem about the first time they had sex in the bathroom of the mental hospital.

Apparently U2 is coming to town, people at work keep letting me know. There was an incident this past summer involving a pre-wedding party with co-workers, keg beer and U2’s greatest hits. Lets just say your’s truly broke out the air guitar, and my state of foolishness was documented and displayed in a collage that is posted at my desk. Said foolishness is natural with my close buddies, no big deal, but my co-workers who rarely get a glimpse of that side of me will now forever refer to me as Bono. Maybe someone at work will buy me tickets.

I finally must succumb to thong underwear. It’s either wear baggy pants, tone up my arse, or wear the thong undies. I don’t mind a little pantyline, however not only is there pantyline, but its like my underwear cutting into the middle of my buttcheek causing it to bulge out the side. Perhaps I’ve gained weight or am wearing too small of undies. I’m feeling rather embarrassed since I just noticed how bad it was, what about all the months or years prior!! Its like having a booger or spinach in your teeth. I’ve been known to be slow to catch on to my own fashion faux paus however, so maybe its just become an endearing trait. I’m surprised I don’t still wing my hair and have poofy bangs. I'm not opposed to thong underwear either, I just don't usually buy or wear it.

If this post shows up twice I'm gonna be peeved. Ignore the earlier similar post, this one is better written.

testing one two three

Blogger is acting weird, i just tried to post and it didn't go through so I'm testing before I try again....

I got nothin'

to blog about today really.

I finished Napolean Dynamite last night, I knew a guy in high school who totally reminds me of him, confirmed by Jenny P. The scene where he takes the job on the farm and is in the chicken house is exactly what my chore was as a kid, picking eggs with thousands of chickens shoved into little cages. I used to sing and thought I was really good, but really I just couldn't hear myself over all the clucking. Funny movie.

I'm on hold with an insurance company, so inspiring. I want nurses to get out of my face and and leave me alone. You. are. bugging. me. First of all, don't expect me to drop whatever I'm doing and get right on whatever task you need me to do. Second of all, do what you are supposed to do yourself without trying to pass it off on me. I'm busy reading blogs for F sake.

Tonight I hope to Fancy dance, a.k.a. Dance Dance Revolution, man I need to get me a playstation.

Anyone want to go to first ave. tomorrow for some Salsa dancing?? I'm in the mood, I might go by my lonesome, I think Pete still works there, so I can chat with him if I feel bored or pathetic. It's so freaking cold though, I don't want to check my coat, but its too cold to go without.

I started a thread on a forum for this new MPR radio station, then I felt insulted by music snobs cause I made an f-ing suggestion. Oh sorry, I forgot I'm not as cool as you, I'll crawl back into my hole where I belong.

One of these days, I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter, to all the good friends I've known. And I'm gonna try, to thank them all for the goods times together, though so apart we've grown.
-Neil Young

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Sarah had her babe, a boy, healthy and cute.

I'm realizing that I'm getting old, well, I'll be turning 26 in a couple months, but things just aren't as carefree anymore, my friends are getting married and having babies, they can't just be spontaneous anymore, they have other priorities over hitting happy hour, dancing, seeing a show. I have friends from high school that just stayed in my hometown and got married and had kids, but we were already growing apart by that time, and we still keep in touch, but my friends I have now I hope to be close to for years to come. So it hits a little closer to home as the years go by and milestones happen, its time to really grow up, whether its chosen or just how things go. I don't want to grow up yet, I guess I still have time, but I don't like the pressure.

I got some new cd's, Angie Stone, N.E.R.D., garden state soundtrack, Archer Prewitt, and Raphael Saadiq (I had lost that one so I had to buy another). I'm excited to have some new stuff to listen to. Culture is very attractive, having it, a lot of caucasion folk don't have a lot of culture, unless your roots are mostly Irish, scandanavian, english, etc, and you keep up with some of those traditions or food or whatever. Not that I feel unfortunate to be american and white and without much real struggle, but there is something appealing to being apart of something more, I don't know, connected maybe, having common experience like there seems to be in other cultures, that brings people together. Maybe my niche is not really belonging, I've never much "belonged" throughout my life.

I read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You", at Barnes while I was waiting for my car to be fixed. According to the book, I had to face the reality that nobody that I wanted to be "into me" has been, even a little bit. The guys that have been "into me" ( not a whole lot, but a couple here and there), I have not found attractive. I guess its pretty obvious, if there was mutual "into-ness" I'd probably be married or in love or something. Oh well. I'm supposed to "not waste the pretty"

my mind is all over the map today, I need a snack, my lunch just didn't cut it. When's it gonna get warm?

work ethic

I wish I had inhereted my father's work ethic. I'm basically a lazy s.o.b. I grew up on a farm in southern MN, my dad mostly raised beef cattle, for a time chickens, collected a couple, three horses and burros, lately he's been chucking the cattle for sheep. In any case, before he retired he worked full time (or more) as a surveyor and also ran the farm. My parents split when I was around 8, and we stayed with my dad so he also was the main caregiver to me and my brother (my sisters, more than a decade older than me, had moved out already). My brother helped out with chores, but I think he gave up on me being a major help pretty early on. Our house was a disaster until he got remarried, I didn't do much to help clean, and I was assigned simple farm tasks like picking eggs or giving the horses hay. I wasn't too keen on the whole farm scene really, I enjoyed the horses for a couple weeks before I got thrown. I liked the animals when I was smaller, but as I grew I realized I should not pursue that vet career cause I really don't like animals that much. I was in (forced) 4-H, but grew to dislike it, and would lie to my dad about the amount of preparation I did for the county fair. Since I'm fairly smart I made it through school, but if I would have put forth effort I could have done much better, probably would have graduated with honor's, instead of a low B average, gotten scholarships, whatever. I think since I was the youngest I just got away with bare minimum, my sisters would complain about having to do so much more when they were my age. Meanwhile my dad is working something like 14 hour days, not sitting at a desk either, physical labor. He, like many of his generation I'm sure, is the product of farming though, farming without all the technology there is now, farming through the depression. There is hardiness there, getting up at five, working 'til after dusk, working out in the subzero and the humid heat, injuries and fixing broken equipment, finding escaped animals, etc. etc. I lazed about watching TV, playing video games and barbie, playing all day with friends. I'm still lazy and messy, and I still shun work for playing with friends. I'm jealous of people with work ethic, who set goals and get stuff done.

I feel disoriented today, maybe cuz I was forced to sit at the front desk instead of my hole, and I haven't been able to print. I've been an ebay junkie lately. I'm thinking about going to see a band tonight of people that I went to high school and church with, but then I run the risk of seeing people from high school that I either don't care to run into, or will be forced to make awkward small talk with people that I was never really friends with, but since we used to be in youth group together we have to act like we have some connection, or maybe we had a connection that has since been lost. My ex roomate might be there that I still have ill feelings toward so that is another deterrant, I guess I'll see what I feel like, I may just stop by briefly.

Oh, and my memories post was probably inspired by Stephanie Klein's blog, greek tragedy, her's is one of my favorites and I like her writing style so I think I might kind of try to imitate it sometimes, even if its subconcious. Just to give credit where due.

odds and ends

Thanks Cassie, for emailing me those pics, hope you don't mind me posting them on here. I didn't think you would.

I seriously need some technology.

I can't write much cause today is close and we are supposed to be furiously typing.

I lost my mitten last night when I was tipsy, I hate not being totally bundled up before going out in the cold, my hands were very cold this morning. I have three movies, Zelig, that I was supposed to return to the library yesterday, I have only watched half so far, coffee and cigarettes, also only seen maybe half, and napolean dynamite that I haven't seen at all, those are both due today back at Hollywood. I don't want to pay again for the movies, but I hate returning them unwatched. I need to watch Napolean Dynamite cause I haven't seen it and everyone is always referencing it and laughing about it. I would just watch them after I'm done with work and return them later, but I can't stay awake for movies, even if someone had a gun to my head I don't think I could stay awake past nine watching a movie. Maybe I'll finish watching Zelig and Coffee and Cigarettes, return them and keep Napolean Dynamite. I should get Netflix.

I also need to find the right brake fluid, and try to find my lost mitten, and get mustard, and I want to make brownies.

Kevin, Cassie, Olivia and myself at Dubliners (I think)

my cool as shit (and can I mention hot) friends

I'm not a lesbian, but I think my friends are pretty hot.

I love my buds, they all fill a unique role in my life, and they just are excellent folks. These are my closest friends (with the exception of Jenny P., I don't have a pic. of her right now). I have the best memories with these gals, freshmen year with Fuj., dominican republic with "the girls", Olivia and I living in NE just a couple blocks from Cassie and Sarah, near Bobby at the Stop and Go. Monday nights at Nikki's with Lester, salsa dancing, sleepover's, hungover breakfasts and movies. Christmas craft night, "trophy winner, chicken dinner", Olivia winning the guzzling premium with no hands contest, and Cassie telling Jenni to fuck off (Sorry Jenni, its funny now, right??). Burning pizza at 5 a.m. Fuj and I pissing Abby off at 2 a.m. singing "majesty". Deep Ellum, Texas with Neil Diamond and Queen cover bands. The 311 club. News years eve at Margaritas, going to margarita's every wed. night, and seeing Manny in his cowboy gear. Sweaty afternoons on the sidewalk outside of Moose and Sadie's. Papa Jack's, depeche mode, and presidente. Skinny dipping on the 4th of July. Smoking and drinking with Patsy in the bathroom. Vomiting on the porch of the frat house on my 21st birthday with Fuj and Erica, and people saying that was gross. Watching the NADS infomercial with fuj, drinking ghetto juice. Stalking Dan McQuire, throwing rocks at his window. Trying to smoke pot out of some elephant bone pipe. First ave. and the "capoeira" house with master Yoji spreading grass seed at 3 a.m., no longer obsessed with women, now obsessed with his lawn. Flying to NYC for a day to visit that crazy Macedonian, his ex-wife and her new french husband. Cassie's graduation party, her leaving for Japan. Olivia's gradution, Jenni's wedding.

Just a few of my wonderful memories with these girls, with more to come, especially with Sarah having a baby any minute now. I'll be corny and uncharacteristically express my feelings by saying I love you guys and appreciate you.

I'd put more pics with myself up but most of these (except the one of Cassie in Japan) were taken like three years ago when I was fat, and I didn't feel like putting them up. So there.

Another blurry pic of Sarah C. and Olivia at our old place in NE.

Vanessa and Sarah (fuj) looking puzzled

Olivia doing what she does best, talking and holding a dog in her lap.

Cassie in Japan looking hot!

a goofy painting of mine

this is a still life I did in my beginning painting class at Bethel, not my best work, but my prof got excited about it. I enjoy doing figure painting more.

this one happened to be online cause I put it in the "foot in the door" show at the MIA, and I figured out how to email it to my blog, incredible!

spring and smoking ban

Tomorrow is march, that means warmer weather is within our grasp, that also means the smoking ban will go into affect in Mpls(and St Paul?). It will be interesting to see how the ban will change the atmosphere. At least we have our cozy porch to have porch parties on. I don't know if it will help curb our smoking habits, probably not at least until it gets cold, but I guess at least we won't be sitting at the bar going through a pack without much thought.

I had a lovely weekend, went to that opening friday night, where they had yummy mini creampuffs. I went shopping and got a new bra and a couple pairs of shoes. Finding a decent bra is no easy task, and I prefer bras without padding. I went to JC penneys cause I have a gift card and they had nothing I liked. Then I had this big ordeal with this coupon I got and even though it was "store wide" I couldn't use it for the underwear I purchased cause they were four for a dollar (even if I bought three for regular price), or the coffee grinder I wanted cause it was a small electric, I was very dissapointed. I'm sure y'all wanted to hear about bras and underwear, so there ya go, the bra I got was at victoria's secret.

I went to that artist lecture yesterday, I had contemplated not going for a minute, but I'm really glad I went, cause there wasn't a lot of people that showed so it was a more intimate setting. They talked about the challenges of owning galleries and some of their thinking behind putting together shows. They are clearly passionate about what they do and the role of art in the community, and being open to all kinds of art. One of the owners there had rejected some of my work for a group show he was doing on skin, I had submitted nude self portraits. I thought about mentioning that but I didn't. Maybe one of these days I'll try to post some pics of some of my paintings, not the nude self portraits probably, but some of my other work. I got excited though because a. since it was a smaller setting, it's possible that these people might actually recognize me if I went to their gallery, and b. I kind of had a crush on the guy from the gallery, so thats fun.

more art stuff

and there is another lecture on sunday for that show I went to a couple weeks ago, how exciting! It's the art of some area gallery owners, which will also be quite interesting.

what exactly is a hipster anyway?

Definition of a Hipster
Hipster - One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term "cool"; a Hipster would instead say "deck.") The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat.

hippie: someone who rejects the established culture; advocates extreme liberalism in politics and lifestyle

those are a couple of definitions I found when I googled hipster. I was at the local shop (coffee that is) the other night, where I have been frequenting since its less than a block from my house. Anyways, it is always crowded with students and regulars, there was no table available so I had to sit at the counter with the regulars; the guy that looks like Busta Rhymes, who also frequents the Red Dragon, the guy that has red hair that works at the liquor store next door, the dude that is always playing chess, etc., etc.... who like to chat up the barista.

So I feel a little uncomfortable, the other three chairs are taken up with people who know eachother, who belong, and I'm just the random. I take my seat, I don't want the other's to see what I'm reading, especially the busta rhymes guy cuz I'm reading Maya Angelou, and maybe he'll think I'm some lame white chick trying to "get" black culture, though he seems nice, and the other folks there would just probably think I'm either lame or think about how they read that when they were five and started an anti racism program in kidnergarten or something. They were talking about some movie that I've never heard of, and some other related film that I had never heard of, and the barista threw out some jab at hipsters. Maybe I've had the wrong image of a hipster this whole time, but this guy looks to me like a hipster. He's got the skull cap, lives in Uptown, throws out the indie rock band names, dons the used clothing, works at the coffee shop AND the co-op. His (I assume) girlfriend who was sitting next to me is working on some film, was super cute and also clearly visits the vintage store, where the clothes are used but probably still cost as much or more than what you'd find in the mall. He had just gotten like 20 records for something like five bucks, you know, for sampling and shit.

I can only strive to be a hipster, I'm sooo not cool enough, I certainly am not cool enough to go beyond and become anti-hipster. It's like that Cake song, how do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle? I try to keep up with music, but without a computer and internet how am I supposed to download MP3's?? I can rarely afford to go to a show, or buy a new cd, I don't even have access to a cd burner really, of course no iPod. I don't often get invited to cool parties, meanwhile everyone in uptown seems to know eachother, I'm usually too shy to try to start up a conversation with an established group, and I don't watch enough independent film to have anything of interest to say even if I did. I shop at secondhand stores, but I'm fairly conservative in my dress, and if I try something a little more daring I usually just look sloppy and frumpy. My schtick is to try the aloof and mysterious angle, but I probably just look weird and timid. I don't know when these people have time or energy to be so cool (or should I say "deck") they seem to just sit at coffee shops or bars, or sit around home and smoke pot (or whatever else), which is what I do, well, minus the pot, and still I fall short.

Oh well, I don't want to be a part of your stinky old hipster crowd anyways, I've got enough of my own cynicism and depression to deal with, without hearing about yours.

Work is really pissing me off, now the IS people took away our online radio!!, its online radio for fuck sake, I don't understand why they gotta be like that, something that it uses up too much somthing or another to do with the computer. Now I have to get a radio with an antenna so I can get reception.

I would like to change my blog design, but I have no knowledge of html. Seeing as how it took me about 10 hours to figure out how to get a pic on this thing, I don't see myself getting too fancy. I want to post more pics too.

Tonight I'm going to an artist lecture by some fellow alum. I'm interested to see what kind of work other's have been doing since they graduated.

Please don't call me "miss"

I do not like it when people call me "miss", like at work, here you go miss, like a term of endearment. It makes me cringe, children can call me miss, adults, please stop.

An assembled ikea chair is within reach, just a couple mishaps along the way, but I think tonight may be the night it will all come together and the birth of our futon chair can be celebrated. Champaigne might be in order, and a slumber party.

I have all these mini reese's cups sitting on my desk, I'm trying to figure out how to not eat them all today, but I also am selfish and don't want to share with my coworkers. I feel the roll of fat forming, expanding, saying feed me reese's peanut butter cups and allow me to grow.

Should I go shopping tonight, I want to get more stuff at ikea and go to DSW and get some shoes. By the time I get out there it will be 7 and I'll only have a couple hours. I don't know what to do, I could go sat. but its way more crowded....

drama

The most drama I've had lately is moving office spaces, losing my battle for a window, and maybe getting my car towed a couple weeks ago, some problems with the landlord, but that's more personal to Olivia.
Last year at around this time I had all sorts of drama, mostly due to a relationship that wasn't exactly healthy, I cried all the time and was pretty much an emotional mess. I decided to try out therapy cause it was clear I have some serious issues that I wasn't dealing with very well. I don't know that I'm any better now, I don't cry as much, but I don't know what that means, I don't think I'm better. I feel like I could just as easily get into a similar situation now. So now I live drama free and boring. I have my Gilmore Girls, One tree hill, Seinfeld if I can stay up that late. I work, try to chip away at my debt. I check out Sex and the City from the Library and live vicariously. I think about how I want to move out east, what that requires me to do, if I'll actually do it. How I should paint. I go to the local coffee shop, get coffee or tea, depending on how much I feel I need to combat my smoking habit, read or journal, smoke. Have beers with my friends, try to check out an art opening or gallery from time to time.
I don't know which is better, drama or non. I sit with my friends and feel like I don't have much of interest to talk about regarding my personal life. So I pull out something, so and so was irritating at work, ummm...this funny thing happened when I was babysitting, I can't assemble that damn ikea chair, I really had to work hard to get that screw in the wall, my brownies didn't turn out, I got a good parking spot today. Or I talk about someone else's more interesting life. No family drama (I rarely see or talk to anyone in my family), no friend drama, no man drama, only my inner psyche drama that I don't feel like sharing, cuz its only dramatic to me.
Drama has feeling involved, whirlwind emotions, stupid or exciting choices. It has its drawbacks, there can be a high pain potential, scary changes, life damaging consequences of stupid choices. Or it cna lead you to the best thing ever. Usually "drama" involves the opposite sex, (or same sex if you're gay), that's when it's most exciting to dish the dirt, about you or someone else. It can be fun, something to laugh over, adds excitement, possibly when you feel "the most alive", ranges of emotions are being felt from one minute to the next.
It gets wearing though, and I still don't have much idea of what I'm doing with my life. I hope its okay to just have some coffee at the local shop and smoke...

those smarmy bastards

they took my msn messenger!! it says I have to be an administrator to download the newest version, and that my version is old, what BS. I knew it wouldn't last long...they alway try to take away our fun.

I finally got a start on getting my room in order, I feel much better, I just gotta keep the momentum going. With my luck someone will buy the house and kick us out in a couple months or something.

Cashisan, this is dedicated to you, I was listening to this yesterday and remembering when us girls were at the artist's quarter (when I allegedly exposed my bosom) singing in the rain....I'm excited to receive my package, wink wink.

so here goes...

Love ridden, I’ve looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I’ve wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over
So I can’t tonight, baby
No, not ‘baby’ anymore -
if I need youI’ll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we’ll only have to wave

-Fiona Apple

hot

I shouldn't wear my longjohns in the office even if it's C.A.B outside, I get way too warm, but I'm too lazy to take them off and put them back on again.

just to clear things up

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my post yesterday. I really don't mean it personal to anyone, and I hope no one takes it that way. I mean, yes, my thoughts are based on interactions I have daily, maybe with people I know, maybe with someone I barely know, in either case, if its someone I know their good qualities far outweigh the bad, and if its someone I barely know, then, I don't even really know you so it's unfair of me to make harsh judgements. My point was that I hope to realize or ask myself, in the act of making a judgement of someone else, do I do that also on a regular basis or at least have at some point in my life?, do I accept that behavior in someone without accepting it in someone else and why? Do I accept that behavior in myself or something equally as negative and turn around and bitch about everyone else? Clearly yes to all those questions, I do it constantly, so my hope is to develop more compassion and honesty in my interactions and relationships.

I'm a nice person, really, and I like people (even if I sometimes want to reside in a big tree or something and not interact with anything but the deer and squirrels, but that's my issue).

Ah Morrissey, you can really belt it out in that falsetto.

Grr, my computer won't let me sign into messenger.

I had a great time last night. Unfortunately I was attracted to my friend's date and not his friend, really at all. They were both very nice, the food was good (although it was spaghetti, I was hoping for something a little more ethnic, but hey, free food, I need not complain). We ate, laughed, danced (badly, but fun none the less), I reminisced about the DR, was shown pics and heard music that made me nostalgic for the place, listened to a crazy mix of music that apparently had to be sung at the top of the lungs. I love it.

awareness-of the self variety

I hear people talk... think to myself, do you hear yourself exaggerating everything all the time, and when you do that I have a hard time taking anything you say at face value...Do you realize that you can listen to someone tell a story without immediately having to interject something about yourself just so you can hear yourself talk, do you even see how rude that is... Has it entered your mind that this is the second or possibly third time that you have told me the exact same thing probably in exactly the same wording and I also had to sit through you repeating it to anyone else who comes into contact with you...That either you have some fucked up sense of time, the worst memory, or are plainly a liar... or Excuse me, you just, in the most arrogant and pretentious manner I can think of, accused someone of being arrogant and pretentious.

I don't know how self aware I am, I want to know if people look at me, listen to me and think...uh, hello, doesn't she realize how glaring this flaw is and she just goes about her business as though things are normal, as though she doesn't even realize it, the nerve of that woman! Well, what if there are things that I do that are just, basically, stupid, and I have absolutely no idea because I'm too close to myself to see it. If you're lucky, to the people that love you it just becomes an endearing quirk that they accept and find moderately annoying sometimes. But, christ, that takes some time.

A "friend" of mine ( in quotes cause I still don't know how I feel about this person) once told me that I have no self awareness. True maybe, but neither do you that I recall.

It would be cool to observe myself outside myself.

I'm going on a double date of sorts tonight, with my coworker and her new love interest, who happens to be from the Dominican Republic, which is cool cause I love that place, and his friend, also Latin. Could be interesting, maybe we'll go dancing later.

stop being mean

I feel bad about my comments about my coworker yesterday. I like her a-plenty even though she irritates me sometimes, and if I blog about it I simultaneously think of her good qualities, making her less irritating to me, and she is really a nice and fun person who I enjoy working with. I had this fear though that she read my blog and then hated me, but noone at work knows I have a blog, if they found it then oh well. I try to be honest about how I feel on this thing even if it may be ugly or depressing or mean, cause I think it and if y'all don't know, I know and God knows and God is the one that can eternally damn me, not anyone else. Sometimes I think about starting an entirely anonymous blog so I can really let it all out, but my journal serves that purpose, although outside comments might be interesting.

I saw my analyst last night, I was a little nervous about this Dad letter thing, but she didn't even ask me about it so I didn't bring it up. I thought she might have me read it aloud which would have probably almost killed me. Instead we talked about making steps towards finding some sort of career I like, so I'm thinking about taking some community college classes on career development. She made the point of that there are so many options out there that it's hard to move until you can narrow it down some and feel somewhat confident that you know what you want and are getting into. Which is true, I partly hold myself back cause I know to do something, I probably need to go back to school to gain some more practical skills, but I have already spent so much money on school that I fear wasting more money on something that I don't like or doesn't pan out. I don't know if this analyst is the right one for me, I feel like I'm gaining some helpful tools, but I'm not getting at the root of things, and I don't know if its just me not sharing enough or putting enough out there or if she just isn't a person I feel comfortable with and maybe I would feel better with someone else. Who knows, this is my first shot at therapy, probably not my last.

"the scene"

I went to an art show opening friday night by myself. Whenever I go to one of these things alone I have this fantasy that I will mingle, have a great connection with someone, and be welcomed into the Mpls art scene. They will want to see my work, show it, and I'll have a fancy opening for my work. In reality, I go by myself, notice that everyone else there has some sort of companion, feel way too intimidated to attempt to involve myself in a conversation with people I don't know, try to look cool and confident as I look at the art, and leave as soon as I'm sick of the crowd.

I also felt rejected by a gay man on friday night. I did however, get reunited with my buddy Jorge, who I used to Salsa with at margaritas. We talked about going dancing sometime, which would be fantastic.

damn chair from IKEA

The only dates I had on Valentine's day were with my dentist, Olivia and IKEA, and myself. We got a futon chair that we can't assemble, it is frustrating, but at least we figured out the drill. I have never had a real date on V day, don't know if I ever will...I'm ok with spinsterhood though.

I decided to call in sick yesterday, since I rarely actually get sick, I figured I deserved one hypothetical sick day this winter. Apparently we were short staffed though, so now I feel bad, had I known that I would have picked a different day. I didn't even get done the stuff that I wanted, between the dentist, IKEA, and struggling with assembling, I got jack done.

One good thing about my new desk is that I no longer sit as near Angela, even though I gave her a shout out in a previous blog. I still appreciate her, she always offers to help me out in some way, but I enjoy not constantly being at her disposal to chat to. She's quite conservative and made a harsh remark about homeless people, and her humor kind of irritates me. I don't find a whole lot of people funny besides myself, I think I'm F-ing hilarious. Anyways, she kind of reminds me of ex-roomate of last year, who also had a tendency to irritate me in the same way, along with other issues that I care not to blog about. Oh and she likes to play a mixed cd with death metal and cheesy pop.

Olivia, if you read this today, Jesus from world of wireless called, he has your order on hold. and he pronounced it Jesus, like Christ, not the spanish pronounciation. I chuckled.

My analyst asked me to write a letter to my father, not something I have to send, but to just write it. I really didn't end up putting a lot of thought into it, was basically like, we don't know eachother at all, I don't see it changing nor am I sure if I care if it does. I feel uncomfortable around you, and therefore limit my interactions with you as much as possible. I don't know how I'll feel when you die, if I'll have any more feeling than I would for an acquiantance.

Well, that was depressing. Some part of me feels some sort of obligation to try more with him, cause he really isn't a bad guy, and I can see that he tries in little ways, but I just don't want to put the effort in.

Elvis

The woman that delivers the internal mail around here really looks like Elvis. Maybe she is Elvis....

My blogging has been a little stale I feel. Bitching and moaning about work, my boring life. My oldest sister bitches and moans a lot, maybe I get it from her. I remember when we were on our way home (a five hour car ride) after my other sister's wedding, my mom's boyfriend at the time was driving, smoking a doobie and going on and on for like an hour about how all my sister does is bitch and moan, bitch and moan, he just kept saying it over and over again, and it was funny. This wasn't behind her back, she was in the car. Of course she screamed some obscenities and then sulked and cried the rest of the way home. I guess if someone told me all I do is bitch and moan for an extened period of time I would do the same. My mom and I just laughed at her, does that make me a bad person?, although the scene still makes me chuckle. She has mellowed out some as she has gotten older, but does have a long history of bitching and moaning.

Last night I remembered when I peed my pants in second grade when we were in gym playing with the parachute. I suppose because I was playing with a parachute last night (with kids, not by myself). First of all the parachute is so much fun you don't want to stop to go potty, especially for an athletically challenged child such as myself, parachute and free play days were the only relief from the embarassment of rope climbing, gymnastics, running, pull-ups or walking on stilts. In any case I had to go real bad, but I was also shy and not willing to interrupt the teacher to ask her if I could go to the bathroom, so even when I had the opportunity to ask, I just sat on the floor and peed. The janitor came over and asked me if it was me who had done it, which I think is a pretty stupid question to ask a kid who's sitting in a puddle of urine, so of course I shook my head no.

I lied, I'm still irritated

I'm just in a bad mood. I'm all sulky and bitchy, seriously acting like a child. Then people try to "cheer" me up, please, I don't care for that, I would prefer to be left alone when in funk. Unless you are one of my close friends that I would care to speak with about something personal then mind your own. Or if you happen to give me the sense that you have an understanding, then you may be allowed into my psyche, or else you are out of luck, I'll clam up like uh, clam I suppose. And my inner psyche isn't one you should want to miss.

I'll have a beer when I get home, before I go watch TV with Sarah, Jenni and Olivia, so as to not subject them to my negative aura.

office space

Happy me in my sunny office space...

Tomorrow is the big move, my whining got me nowhere. I think my manager was trying to suck up to me yesterday by thanking me for being so helpful and flexible. Once I pay off my credit card debt, I'm gone, I don't want to be here ten or thirty years down the road just because I was lazy, comfortable, or unmotivated to find something to do that I actually enjoy. Three years is already too long.

I'm not as irritable today as I have been, I got a good night's sleep so that helps. I also have been working a lot so I haven't had a ton of time to get things done that I want to. I'm hoping to do some painting, there is a show coming up that I want to submit to. I had a piece in it last year. It's at a church in St. Paul and organized by Bethel grads, so a lot of the artists were Bethel students or alum., so in that way I don't feel like its a big deal, like it isn't at a gallery or anything, but it is something to get me to make some work. The theme is Room for Change I think.

Okay, irritated, Sue keeps messing around moving shit at my desk, in 15 min. I'm leaving for an hour. Could she not wait until then?! counting to ten.....

trying...

to post a picture, and I am having difficulty. I tried to download Macromedia Flash so that I can post a picture but it didn't download, I suppose because we aren't supposed to download onto our work computers. I will have to try later on a different computer.

I'm very irritable today. We are finally getting our oven fixed, the couple times that we used it there was toxic gas fumes which caused burning and stinging in our eyes and nose. A month later our landlord is finally doing something. I'm very annoyed with people at work today.

pissed off

I'm in a pissy mood today. I was supposed to have today off cause I came in on sunday, but I had to come in this afternoon. It is so nice outside I could practically wear a bikini, so being trapped in the office is the last thing I want to do. I had to do the thing I hate most -call insurance companies-, and we are moving our desks next wednesday so all my whining got me nowhere, and the people here are irritating me. I did get my Chagall calendar and rid myself of Anne Geddes, to look on the bright side.

Plans for this weekend you ask...The library was closed this morning so I couldn't get my SATC DVD that is on hold, otherwise I would usually be lethargic on the sofa watching that with some beer. I had hoped to get some work done on my room today, so I might do that this evening, for sure tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow morning, possibly going out to Brits tomorrow night for a birthday gathering. Church sunday night, hopefully I will actually get to get a glimpse of Jenni, I almost forget what she looks like I haven't seen her for so long.

I'm going home now.

relaxed stress

Today is "close of business", which means we are supposed to have all our charts admitted and insurance charged from the past month. We are not going to accomplish that, didn't even have a shot at it, so we are fairly relaxed about it when normally we'd be stressing out majorly. It does help the day go by faster.

I hate it when I try to post and it doesn't seem to go through, so I try to rewrite my post then find out that my other post did go through.

I hope to one day see a Moose in it's natural habitat, that would be so cool. I don't think I've even seen a real moose in an unnatural habitat, hmmm.

I can't believe the weather, it is february and it is 50 degrees out. Spring makes me very nostalgic, not necessarily a good thing, not that it is spring yet. Actually every season makes me nostalgic, partially the smells, but more the feeling on the skin or the atmosphere, briskness, or the sun beating down.

Okay, seriously I need to hit the gym. Freshman year, back when Sarah Fuj and I were roomies we had the "roll of the day" anyone who was feeling particularly large that day had the honor of being the "roll of the day" and was quoted on our whiteboard as to the reason for the fat feeling. Good times.

RIOT

I started a big fuss in the office today. I continue to whine about having to move desks, as I said I'm both next to a window and heating vent, it is prime. Sue, who has worked there forever and has the cube next door, and I are seriously getting the short end here. Besides her and a couple others, I have been there the longest and have knowledge of just about every aspect of work to be done, but we are getting shuffled to the shitty cubes, neither window nor heat. Soo, I send out a half joking, half serious email to my cohorts that I office gossip with that I should get an MD note saying I have SAD and need to be near sunlight. I do have a propensity for depression and all, and since I moved to that desk, I haven't cried nearly as much, only every other day instead of every day. I can tell my manager feels bad, and I got the office all in a tizzy trying to figure out an alternate solution, so it feels good that they all at least care. I write this and realize I'm being a whiny brat and probably just need to suck it up and act like a 25 year old, but oh the natural light...I crave it.

Such mild temps here in the north, in the upper 30's lower 40's this week. I realize I blog about the weather a lot, probably cause it changes so drastically and has such power to affect one's mood. And well, my life isn't all that exciting.

Maybe I can reinvent myself, I try sometimes I think, and fail miserably. I like to think (or hope) I'm reinventing myself into me as the years go by, becoming me in my purest form.

on hold

I'm sleepy today, I was convinced to ditch Jen and her suitors (on the bachelorette) and go to an open mic. with roomie and her boo. I lusted after at least three poets. I should have done laundry and gone to bed but I've been too much of a homebody and need to get out more.

I am despising automated systems right now, I can't concentrate on the options.

Our landlord is a tango instructor and told us that we can come up for lessons if we wish. Olivia has gone but last night was my first time, it was fun, but I felt a little uncomfortable. I had to dance with the landlord's girlfriend most of the time and we have mixed feelings about her, she hit us up for cash for the lessons even though we've been told they are free, she is also often in my parking spot, which I'm of course not assertive enough to mention. Oh good grief.

So I got a new student to tutor, I'm guessing cause I was a meanie and so maybe the kid didn't like me anymore. Oh well, not everyone is going to like me, I must try to not let it get to me, especially from a person in second grade. My new student reads really well though so I don't understand exactly what my purpose is but whatever.

Well, since I am too tired to think right now I'll put someone else creativity on here...

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears

What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears

By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try

Like it would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy
It's not like you would lose some critical piece

If somehow you moved point "A" to point "B"

Maintaining there is no point changing 'cause
That's just what you are

That's just what you are

-Aimee Mann

oh what a beautiful morning!

mild temps and softly falling snow, quite lovely.

I think my pants are too tight, fuj said they weren't when I tried them on, but they are, I feel like they are going to rip when I sit or bend over. I got them at h & m though, so I can't return or exchange them, since I don't foresee going to chicago in the near future. It could also be the ice cream and cheesecake eating, the beer drinking and the lack of excersice. However, I do think the tight pants got me in a tight mindset to get into the tight parking spot this morning.

My new obsession is my apartment, I just want to spend money on stuff for our apartment and my room. My money should be going toward paying numerous outstanding bills, however, I figure if my living space feels empty and disheveled, my mind will also be empty and disheveled, and I won't be able to focus on paying my bills anyway, so really it is a wise investment.

I'm getting bored with myself, I need to shake things up, maybe I should try online dating...nah, don't want to. Salsa dancing, I should do that more often, but Jenni is married now, so she's in her "we" mode, and nobody has any money to go out. Well, I guess until I start getting my finances in order I will have to just be bored.

I love the VFW

stiff drinks at a bargain price, a safe unintimidating environment to sing karoake, what more can you ask for. We were out for my "best" friend Jenny's birthday, my friend that I've had since kidnergarten and we still talk almost every day, even though we aren't quite as close as we were growing up. I love having a friendship that spans all that time, we know eachother's history cause we've been there for eachother in those times, and she is someone I can still count on for anything.

yum, california rolls...

I can tell I'm getting old cause last night was the first night in quite some time that I was out past say 11 pm on a work night, whereas in my youth I was out late almost every night. Also when I smile, the corners of my eyes seem to crinkle more then they used to...

I stole some brie from work yesterday, someone had brought it for our staff meeting and there was quite a bit left over, so I took a huge chunk home figuring no one else would eat it, but it was put out again today, so now I'm feeling a little bad for being selfish.

I put some effort into being outgoing last night, I'm proud of myself, even though it was a pretty unintimidating crowd that I was with, I even sang karoake. I initiated hello's, conversed, and remembered everyone's name and made a point to say it when I spoke to them, my analyst would be pleased.

I want to post some pics on here, but I don't know how to go about it, I don't have my own personal computer, so my dinosaur digital camera is not a lot of use to me. Can I scan pics and save them to a cd and load them at work? Any help on this matter would be very much appreciated.

today is Dick day!

The pres. of the Allina Health system is dropping by today for a visit, I must be on my best behavior.

Since I have nothing more exciting to blog about, allow me to bitch about work for just a second. We are moving our office around because the billing office folks find it hard to concentrate when the nurses on the other side are talking to patients on the phone about their nipples, breastpumps, latching, jaundice, etc. This means I will likely have to give up my sunny desk with a window, near the heating vent to move to a dark, dank cold desk with artificial light. I have expressed my displeasure with this situation (whined), so I'm hoping I get to stay put. Other than that my job is fine, it pays well, I work with fun people, there is variety throughout my day...it isn't what I want to be doing, but it works for now. I don't really know what I want to be doing in fact. I studied art in college, I paint, draw, etc, and I'm good at it, but I lack the motivation to make anything, much less try to show my work. So I wonder where my passion really lies, is it in making art?, I don't know, it seems like I would want to do it all the time, make time for it. Most of the time I feel pretty passionless. I can correlate this to Christianity as well. If I really consider myself a Christian, a follower of Christ, a lover of God, then why aren't I poring over my Bible, praying consistently, doing more for society, loving my neighbor, seeking and learning more persistently. How can I have so much and still complain and not be more thankful.
Some passion would be nice.

And when did children just get to decided what they want to do in school. I was tutoring yesterday and my student didn't want to read the story, she wanted to do her other work first. Since the teacher had written down that she wanted my student to read the story and if we had time we could work on the other stuff, I tried to get her to read the story, but since I didn't know how to force her and she refused to do it, I took her back to her class, cause to me it seemed a discipline issue. We get back to her class and I feel like a meanie cause the teacher asked her if she did her other work instead of reading the story, and my student said I wouldn't let her. This is true, I didn't let her because it was my understanding that she needed to read the story first. So she got to do her other work, whatever...I don't recall in second grade being able to whine and get away with it, oh, but she wasn't on her meds, I forgot that excuses all behavior.

starbucks, dunkin' donuts and bank of america

Of course there are starbucks in the twin cities and surrounding area's, however having a starbucks every half block is just ridiculous. Its like starbucks, dunkin' donuts, bank of america...repeat.

Since you are all at the edge of your seats waiting to hear the details of my adventure, well, I will indulge your anticipation...
Traveling went well, I had to bus partway instead of the train because it was too cold for the train to go at a decent speed, so I only had a short train experience, which was a bummer, I was really excited about the train. Anyways, I got to Chicago, Sarah picked me up, we hung out at her parent's, then took off the next day, Philly or bust! Driving went alright, except when I took over the wheel and mistakenly drove on the shoulder for like 3 miles, and some snow patches...Our first mission was Philly cheesesteak, which we accomplished at Jim's on south st. Then we hunted around for a dive bar and came upon Mako's, it was apparently lady's night cause we got free drinks, so the night was already about as good as it gets, free beer and cheesesteak. The next day we shopped, and we were hoping to find some hip hop, so we tried to go to an open mic, but because of the one inch of snow people were staying in and places were shut down. We ended up Salsa dancing, which I've done a fair amount, but I was either really rusty or they do something different in Philly cause I sucked, so we moved on to our second attempt for some hip hop, but everything was pretty slow, but we did see where the real worlders went. Before we left the next morning we checked out the liberty bell, and compared the cheesesteaks at Pat's and Geno's...this is not recommended before getting in a car for five hours, which does not aid in digestion of said cheesesteaks. We arrived in Amherst, saw Emily Dickensen's house, I lusted after the barista and we got some ice cream. Then Sarah dropped me off in Boston, I wandered in the nasty cold, found a great little bar called "the littlest bar", made a furry friend or two, got a good beer buzz going to handle the chill and was on my way. All in all a very nice time, although I was a little worn out when I got home.

this weekend my church had a colloquium, and my lovely and talented friend/roomate Olivia participated in. I was so impressed, it was personal, intellegent and relevant. Yay Olivia!

Well, back to the pile of work that has built up!

chat

Carolyn Hax's online chat is today, check it out!

planes, trains and automobiles

Sunday I head east, taking the train to Chicago, where I'll hook up with Fuj97, spend some QT with Ed and Jean in Rockford, and of course hit up Beefaroo. From there Fuj and I brave whatever elements may cross our path on the way to PA, arrive in Philly sometime tuesday, hang out there a couple days. Then I check out Amherst, MA and fly back from Boston. We hardly have any plans, so we are just figuring it out as we go, how a road trip should be.

I must say, I'm quite talented. I can give money away for nothing like nobody's business, overdraft fees, parking tickets, credit card debt, late fees, etc. I am trying to be more responsible with my money, but it is a process, good grief. I feel like I dig myself out of one hole only to fall into another the next step I take. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck, but I have been working more, so that helps, and when I get back I'll start another part time job for 5 hrs a week, so I'm working on it.

My car started, I have to crawl in the passenger side though cause the driver side door won't open. It is really f-ing cold out there negative 10 degrees, negative 23 degrees windchill.

late

I woke up a good half hour earlier this morning, was still late for work...

learning

Since I posted my religious rantings yesterday, you all should know that since I moved to my new apartment I have drank beer every day, beer makes me happy, and not just beer, wine too. I'm not opposed to hard liquor either, I just don't drink it that much, get a red bull and vodka in me and I go crazy. I smoke every day too, yes, I can call myself "a smoker" generally 2-3 packs a week, so its not like a pack a day or anything, I don't have to take smoke breaks at work or anything. Last night Olivia and I had a few beers and I started talking to the chili I made, accusing it of trying to pass itself off as chili when really it was more like a hotdish. I'm not sure if talking to food is an indication of a problem, but at this point in my life I'm okay with it, at least I'm not having sex right now.

I also want to clear up that I despise the phrase, "accepting Jesus into your heart".

Onto learning...since I started tutoring recently I was thinking about how kids learn, how do teachers teach, what happens in the brain to make things start to make sense. I tried to remember learning as a kid, and I don't, that's the thing, it just happened. I don't remember when letters became sounds became words and sentences and books. Or how the numbers add, subract, multiply, and divide, how eventually that basic knowledge allowed me to do geometry, algebra, a little physics. It all just got absorbed somehow, and I don't think much has changed. I look back and see things that I learned, that changed me that I didn't see at the time, it just got absorbed, the brain flipped a switch and it made sense. I guess it's kind of that you won't change until your ready type thing, but I'm afraid that is my excuse, I'm twiddling my thumbs, waiting to be ready...

clothes

nobody has commented on my new salmon colored cords...

My lovely coworker and black belt Brandy gave me a bunch of hand me downs after cleaning out her closet. I love used clothing, especially if its free.

all they talk about is love

I'm listening to coldplay, and I remember my brother making the comment that they are allright, but all they sing about is love. Well, clearly, its a pretty major theme. I don't ponder love as often as I should I think, mostly I think about myself, and where my love is coming from, who's validating me, who is showing they care. Obviously a somewhat selfish way of thinking, if I think about love and myself I should be finding things to love and accept about me, so that I don't suck others dry of needing their love, so I can love others in a real way. Then there is the issue of my spirituality, God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, that whole bit, the unfathomable love, the kind we are lucky to get a glimpse of and truly experience. I can see why a lot of christians like to keep it pretty simple (and this would be me making generalizations and judgements about a group of people), but anyways I'm thinking of the folks who don't drink, smoke, have premarital sex, aren't gay, refrain from listening to secular music or watch R movies, and question everyone else's faith that do or are those things. They find a nice church, perhaps in the 'burbs, get involved somehow, the hospitality team, leading worship, childcare, helping with the youth group, whatever their spiritual gift leads them to do, they are part of the community, they are doing something to further spread the gospel, might even venture downtown and hand out some tracts, talk to that homeless guy and feel they might have planted a seed for his salvation. So what if they can't admit to the person next to them that they like the Stones (especially "paint it black"), that instead of fast forwarding through a sex scene in a movie they found it funny or beautiful or accurate, that they've lusted after the pastor or his wife or maybe both, had a few beers and a pack of smokes the night before with some buddies, that they really have little idea what's going on in the world simply because they are a human, what they do know is they want some love and understanding from other humans.
I accepted Jesus into my heart back when I was in sixth grade I think, I went to some summer bible deal with a friend of mine. I don't remember going to church with my family after the age of about five. My best friend growing up was involved in church, the same church I accepted christ in, so I started going with her more frequently, got involved with youth group, went on missions trips that whole thing, then proceeded onto private Christian college. I really had a great youth pastor in high school, he wasn't afraid to throw out some really tough questions. I had that experience in college, the other students and administration were tough to deal with sometimes, but there are professors there that aren't afraid to question and challenge. I found a niche there, friends to be real with, a church where the pastors will join you for some drinks after, who you can bum a couple smokes from, and talk to. But then there is all that thinking, the more you think about things the less you know, the more you realize the state of the world the more clear it becomes that you are doing jack, the more you think about love, the more you realize you are going about it all wrong, and that there are no easy ways of figuring out the right.

anticipating the subzero

the forecast says it will be -5 degrees for a high on friday, the low is a balmy -18 degrees, looks about the same on Sat, and that is w/o windchill. If I can help it, I will hibernate as much as possible Sat. unfortunately I have to work on friday, here's to hoping my car starts. I seemed to remember from years past that we in MN have one really cold snap in winter, at least in the southern part, but my memory must be fooling me, only allowing the good things to remain. Oh, and looks like we can expect some freezing rain and snow, hooray! At least thursday the expected high went from -1 to 3 above.

Last night's bachelorette was pretty good, I roped Olvia into watching it with me. 2 hours is a little long when the only thing we really wanted to see was the guy passing out during the rose ceremony. Kentucky guy was hilarious, she should have kept him around at least for the drunken antics.

I accidentally set my clock an hour ahead this morning so I was all ready to go to work and realized I was way early, so I went to get some coffee, quite nice, I'm thinking about doing that more often if I can actually get out of bed, it is a nice start to the day.

ugh, I feel like....

We had a small "housewarming" last night, throughout the course of the evening I managed to spill wine on my 8 month pregnant buddy, and then got completely trashed and obnoxious. I feel like I'm the only one in my group of friends that gets noticably drunk, Jenni I can't really tell when she's drunk, ever, Olivia gets a little more talkative I guess. Maybe it's just in my head, it is difficult to tell when others are intoxicated when you yourself are intoxicated.

I almost hate to admit this, but the bachelorette with Jen is starting tonight and I'm pretty excited about it.

oh, and by the way

I learned yesterday that the cold air mass in MN is keeping us from getting all the snow the rest of the midwest has had dumped on them. I guess I'll take a couple subzero days if it means I don't have to deal with crazy snow.

confused

We think our oven is leaking gas, I think the fumes are affecting our thinking, I called the landlord today, he is checking it out, he didn't think it smells like anything is leaking, but when we have cooked anything our eyes and nostrils have been burning, something is not right. In any case he is calling the gas company to come out and take a look. If Olivia gets spontaneously married and starts having babies as a result of the gas leak killing her brain cells, I will be peeved.

I got up early in enough time to make it to work definately on time, decided why start being on time now, and went to the coffee shop instead for a bit, so was a half hour late to work. I'm a horrible employee, yet they love me here.

I finally got my gift from my coworker, it is the book "Stitch and Bitch Nation" with "funkier" patterns for knitting. I'm quite excited, although I only know how to crochet, not knit, so the first "Stitch and Bitch" would have been more helpful, but now that us girls are prepared to begin our knitting group, we can work together to figure out the patterns. The deal is my first project has to be a scarf for my coworker. My goal is to someday do a sweater. Good grief, and I still have to finish my brother's hat to cover his nasty dreds that he's trying to grow. White people should not have dreds, my brother should definately not have dreds.

Philly 2005 is coming up much quicker than I thought, in like a week, a good road trip out east in the middle of winter can only do a girl some good, and I was pleased to find a reasonably priced flight home. Philly cheesesteak, I hear they are the best, fujalicious and I are pumped. I may have a little time to poke around Boston as well.

by the way

it is cold as balls in these parts

snoop

I really like that snoop dogg song, "drop it like it's hot"

failure

So I got my hair cut and paid full price, oh well. I was powerless to stop it, those cursed pectorals and nice tatooed forearms...

In trying to organize my room, which is not a good idea when coming off a beer buzz, I ran across some old college papers and read my personal case analysis (a synopsis of my personality and what I think determining factors are) to myself then my roomate and her friend. First of all I realized that I was, although as honest as possible, pretty negative about myself, and second that I haven't changed all that much in the five years or so since I wrote it.

Two questions that I don't like....Why are you so quiet, and why don't you have a boyfriend. If you really want the answer to those questions you better block out a chunk of time, nor are they mutually exclusive. Short answer, because I am and I have a big nose.

Well, don't have much excitement in my life, Jenni and I are keeping it drama free in 2005, unlike our buddy Olivia, who leads the sordid lifestyle, hehe. I had my first tutoring gig yesterday, It went well and I think it will be a fun year, my tutee is so cute and charming.

one more thing

Why do poeple insist on putting nuts in/on everything, fudge, brownies, cheeseballs, although I guess a cheesball isn't a cheeseball without the nuts, more of a cheese spread, but, I digress...NOT EVERYONE LIKES NUTS!

just my opinion

Somehow closing the blinds and not being blinded by the sun has made me hear better, must be some weird sensory thing.

some praise

I just want to take a minute to give a shout out to my co-worker Angela, she has only worked here a couple months, but she's a very giving individual and very humorous. Since I've met her she's given me rides and jumped my car when it's been out of order, and is so excited about my new DVD player that she's giving me her RF modulater and loaning me some DVD's, along with giving me assertiveness lessons. Oh, and she just insisted I copy her Ashlee Simpson CD onto my computer. I work with some very cool women.

nervous

I'm getting my hair "trimmed" tomorrow, which I'm nervous about 1. because when I called to make the appointment they didn't seem to know what I was asking for, just a trim because Matt said it was part of my cut and free, but she sounded confused so I hope I don't get charged some huge amount. 2. If I'm not charged how do I give a tip, I feel weird just slipping Matt a five spot or something, but I don't know how else to do it, unless they do charge me and then I'll just add it in. I know I'm way overthinking this, but this is what I do and why people think I'm weird, but, Matt's pectorals, yummy....

New year's eve was most uneventful, I donned my whatever those plasticy pants are, an old long sleeve shirt and a sweater, moved some more stuff, was instructed on how to adjust the heat (In doing so my landlord, to demonstrate that the vent can in fact close, unbeknownst to me left the vent closed in my room, which was consequently cold as balls), and camped out on the couch with 3/4 of a beer (my third) asleep by 10:30, was awoken by drunk roomate and male companion around 2:30, chatted and drank my warm beer then retired to my quarters. Was up early, hangover free to complete the last leg of moving and cleaning the hellhole, which I'm finally and officialy rid of, and it feels quite nice.

Breakups left and right, nasty business, I shall relish the fact that I'm living single and fairly drama free, although someone to kiss at midnight would have been nice, ah well....

almost

Well, the move is going allright so far. It was really icy yesterday and I was a little worried about moving the big furniture but my muscley stepbrother and dad got it done unscathed. Then it warmed up to springlike temps and was a beautiful evening, so I walked to the store bought me a pizza and drank the one beer I had, sat on the porch and smoked, it was excellent. I felt very pleased. So just have the odds and end, cleaning and such to take care of then all the unpacking.

I need to work on assertiveness. Our landlord has some of his things stored in my room and hasn't moved it yet. Olivia and I had to work ourselves up to get the courage to ask if we could move the twin bed out so I can fit mine in, but all his stuff is still in the closet, making it difficult for me to unpack. In explaining the sitch to my coworker she reminded me that even though he is kind enough to let us move in early, that if he wasn't going to have the room ready he should have said so and so I shouldn't feel bad about asking him to move his shit out. She is quite right, she needs to be my advocate.

We all wore our shirts to work today, the one's we got for Christmas and didn't like. My shirt actually got some compliments, but most agreed it just wasn't me, and it doesn't fit me anyway. It's definately more my sister's style, I can at least tell her I put it on and people liked it, hopefully she will feel better.

Well, I don't have much planned for new years, probably stay at home and drink champaigne, and unpack, or maybe go to the turf club. I'm tired from moving so relaxing sounds nice.

moving days

I move at least once a year, sometimes twice. I didn't want to move into the apartment that I'm currently in, but lost the coin toss, and have had some drama there this past year, so I'm am the most excited to move than I have ever been. I don't care that it is cold and drizzly, and that I have to pack my boxes again and move all my shit, I just want to get settled and get our place pimpin', which I don't think will truly happen until I can get the cash to get a playstation 2 and dance dance revolution. Although now that Olivia is kinda dating a former Abercrombie model, the bathroom situation might be a little awkward (it's attached to one of the bedrooms, so whoever is in that room sacrifices a little privacy), but we did talk about putting the cowboy hat on the door, we will work something out, I don't want to cramp anyone's style.

Okay, I don't know what's going on at work, but people are being especially nice to me. Everyone is usually very nice, but someone seems to think I make awesome coffee, although I just make it how I was shown, this same person complimented me this morning about how I'm great at my job. Maybe it is my brightly colored sweater. We are short staffed today, but I had already arranged to take off early to move, so ha! One of my other coworkers got me a christmas gift that I won't get til friday. I didn't even give anyone cards. Well, I guess I'm just so charming people can't help but shower me with gifts and compliments.

sluggish

I used to work out quite regularly, and after spending my whole existence as chubby, plump, or husky as I was once referred to, I dropped about thirty pounds and was/am happy with my weight. I surprisingly haven't gained anything back, considering I stopped working out as regularly over time, and no longer care as much about what I eat, but I do feel flabby. At that time I felt strong, like I had some muscle tone, but that is no more. I would like to feel healthy again, I joined the gym at work, but it is lacking in equipment and classes.

I also learned you can change what you look like on the outside, drop some weight, get a funky haircut, new clothes, whatever and still not be right with yourself. I had guy friends that I used to have crushes on, but I was always the smart funny girl that's good to have around for stimulating conversation or to ask advice on the friends that they were dating or wanted to date, but they didn't see me as more than a good friend. Now I totally get affirmed by them, but then I wonder why my personality wasn't enough, and that feeling of rejection seems to be taking a long time to get over, because I still am under the impression that I am not noticeable or attractive, or can hold someone's attention, clearly it holds me back, relationally, creatively, and I keep thinking something external is going to change me.

Last night I finished A Million Little Pieces, and I highly recommend it, it was both encouraging and sad and extremely personal and well written.

Friday those of us at the office that received clothing that we aren't too fond of for christmas are going to wear them, at least give the clothes a fighting chance.

I like my room hot

I think it was about 10 degrees in the room I slept in at my mom's house, it was frigid cold. I kept waking up periodically and wanted to go downstairs where it was slightly warmer but I had to finish crocheting a hat for my mom and she was downstairs.
Usually I spend christmas eve with my mom and christmas day with my dad, but this year it was reversed and christmas eve consisted of all of my stepmother's family crowding into their small house, eating dumplings and sauerkraut, butchering carols, and exchanging white elephant gifts, and playing catch phrase, I barely knew anyone there. My poor grandpa is in his 80's and has pnuemonia, and my dad is screaming at him cause he's hard of hearing, although I speak pretty softly and he understood me fine when I projected just a little more. Whatever.
I in fact didn't get any normal food, stuffing or potatoes or turkey, etc. My mom took us out to an Indian restaurant on christmas then we saw the Aviator. I feel bad cause I told my sister that I didn't like the shirt she bought me and I know she takes things like that very personally.

I had a horrible dream that I was in Morocco with my family and me and my sisters were at this carnival type thing, my sister had her baby with her and put her in an elephant coat to get ready to go. The three of us left the baby on a table for a minute to get something and when we came back she was gone, so the rest of my dream consisted of me running around and asking people if they'd seen a baby in an elephant suit, and crying. Very strange.

I don't want to be at work today, I'm tired and I drank and smoked too much last night. But I left a small jug of milk in my car which made it luciously cold, I find that there is nothing more satisfying when one has a hangover then a nice cold glass of milk, mmmmm. This week is moving week!!!! I'm incredibly excited about this, I need to get out of my hole of hell, it's not that bad I guess, at least its hot, but I really need a fresh start, too much bad karma in that place. I recommend that no one move into an apartment building where there was a murder (a few years ago, but still...)

the reason for the season

Much to my surprise, my dad insisted on putting a new battery in my car, which required him to drive about an hour to my apartment and spend a couple hours in the subzero trying to get my car working. I'm still not sure why he did this, I had a ride home for christmas, and could wait until it got a little warmer to get my car fixed, but I'm not complaining I guess, it was just weird. My dad helps me out, but he's often more the you got yourself into it, you figure it out kind of guy, or seems at least somewhat disgruntled when he has to bail me out. Maybe I'm too hard on the guy, in any case, my car is working and I didn't have to shell out the cash for a battery, REJOICE!
I'm reading a book called "A Million Little Pieces", by James Frey, it's his memoir of getting treatment for serious drug addiction. My brother is an addict, so this book is helping me to understand him a bit more, like the intense need and daily denying of desires an addict goes through every day that never ever goes away. I can't imagine how much strength and will power an addict must muster every day to stay sober, and how dissapointing it must be if they stay sober then relapse. James Frey was at the best treatment facility and the success rate is still only 15%, that is incredible and highly discouraging to me.

I farted last night at a coffee shop that I frequent fairly regularly, and am still feeling a little embarrassed, it was just a little one, but it was right in between songs and Jesse and Drew (also regulars, one works there) were only sitting a couple tables away. This is on par with the time I went to the bathroom there and came out with my fly open, what can I say, coffee makes me a little gassy...
Merry Christmas

on why MN is not the ideal place to live

Because it gets cold as balls, and somehow, even though it is cold as balls, it manages to get warm enough at some point during the night, when the sun has not even shown and it is supposed to get colder, not warmer, to produce icy rain that covers everything with an icy sheet, making driving hell. The weather toys with us mercilessly in the land of ten thousand lakes, I can't imagine what they go through in Canada, there is always some icy blast coming from Canada giving us the joy of subzero temps.
My car was dead this morning because I forgot to turn my lights off last night, so I had to walk 7 blocks to work, which wasn't actually too bad considering it was like 8 degrees, I only suffered from some moderately cold legs, must be that hat I crocheted. I'm just thankful that the heat was restored in my apartment and I was all toasty warm during the night instead of scrunched in the fetal position with every muscle tensed to maintain my body temp. Things like this have a tendency to get me down, so to combat this I must think in terms of -at least-, like At least I'm not in the ditch in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard, at least my mother didn't prostitute me at age thirteen so that she could support her drug habit...
Sooo, despite the constant stress of money issues, I'm doing allright, considering....

it works!

and my coworker just stuffed herself in a box, another threw a ball of tape into my coffee cup

nevermind

Okay, the link didn't work, lets try it again here, This is funny, I think.

Oh, I almost forgot, Olivia and I signed our lease for a very cute apartment at a very nice location! Thank you Olivia for putting forth all your efforts to get that worked out!

my wrist hurts

perhaps I have carpal tunnel

I'm tired today, I stayed out too late last night. My acquaintance Pete invited me out to this sushi place because he and a friend were DJ'ing. So instead of retire for the evening I decided I could go for a beer, feeling bad for Pete cause I doubted that he would draw a big crowd. There ended up actually being a decent amount of people there so then I felt silly sitting at the bar by myself pathetically going through a half pack of smokes, intermittently chatting with Pete, and pretending to be very interested in the B ball game. Then there was a strange turn of events, a cute fella sat down next to me to chat. Now, it isn't that unusual that a cute guy would approach me in a bar, I am usually accompanied by very attractive friends that they hope to be introduced to, but in this case we were just both there alone. I tried to use it as an opportunity to practice the tips given in my conversations and making friends book, attempted to keep the conversation flowing for a more lengthy period of time with someone that would normally intimidate me into muteness. Overall, it was very pleasant, a few moments of awkward silence that were acknowledged and chuckled over, nice piercing blue eyes, a vegetarian metrosexual that was raised on a commune.

I have done jack shit today, except read blogs, Carolyn Hax's online chat, email and being amused by pickle pictures.

On a sadder note, I went to a funeral a couple days ago for a coworker's 19 year old brother who was killed in a car accident. I was surprised at how emotional I was for my friend, who I don't even know that well, but who is a really great individual. Empathy has not always my strong point. I'll use this as a public service announcement for us all to be careful on the roads, myself especially, some things can't be avoided, but some can, and I know that I need those reminders to focus more on being safe.

I unfortunately ( or fortunately) have NKOTB stuck in my head from the nostalgic mix of music on our drive home from the funeral. Step by step...

Couple of random thoughts...if tomatoes were of a firmer consistency I'd eat them like an apple
okay, just one I guess

I'm a do-gooder

Today is the beginning of occupying myself with more fulfilling things. I'm going to get interviewed at the school that I will hopefully be volunteering at, and I have my weight orientation at the gym here at work, to tone the flabbiness that has acquired over the past year or so of not working out regularly. I am optimistic about being able to find and afford a decent apartment, and I learned how to crochet a hat last night. I have a $30 Abercrombie and Fitch gift certificate that I think I need to use very soon, I don't particularly like that store, but I'll take what I can get. I have a road trip to Philly on the horizon in Jan. with my buddy Fujipants. I was at work on time this morning. We are having our office christmas party on Sat. so I anxiously await some awesome free food. I think I'm slightly improving my starting conversation and making friends skills. What is this odd sensation, could it be a genuine feeling feeling of contentedness?, hmmmm, better enjoy it while it lasts