a lack of creativity

Hmmm, well, my shrink seems to think I'm depressed, which yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk but I don't think it is something more then a down period. Well, whatever, she's only seeing/hearing one part of me, one of my "selves".

Badlands was freakin' awesome. This summer has been chock full of fun activities, too bad I've been in a funk, not that it has prevented me from enjoying things just kinda like a little cloud hanging over me adding a bit of an edge I spose.

This weekend may prove to be interesting...hopefully in a good way and not a bad way.

Other than that feeling an overall lack of creativity, tiredness, etc., doesn't lend much inspiration for blog posting.

reveling in my angst

Been listening to lots of angsty music lately to go along with my angsty mood I've been in for the past couple months...decided to go back to see a shrink though, thought it was about time. I've just been off lately, seem to have lost my zest and trying to get myself back on track I guess, back to a time when I was feeling good about myself and my life.

Going to the badlands this weekend with Cas and Jenni. Should be an interesting time. We are camping and I'm having a difficult time imagining the scenario, I imagine us pitching our tent someplace barren and rocky. I really want to see a big horn sheep.

at last

Here I sit in my new home...Almost cried today when my old landlord said the oven wasn't clean enough, not for me, but for Jake and Kat who scrubbed that thing for a good hour. Yeah, felt a range of emotions last night, it's kinda crazy when moving, and you get to the final stages where you feel like all your possessions are breeding and you will never get everything moved and everything clean, and you feel really guilty for just chucking stuff into the garbage that could be recycled but you just can't care anymore. Then, everything is clean and sparkling and you wonder why the place became such a shithole in the first place, not that our place was a shithole, but it could have used a little upkeep. I'll miss my roommates and that house, I certainly had some good times there, it was a little college-ey, but hell, why rush into adulthood when you can pretend to be a recent college grad and have some fun. Yeah, I got a little choked up last night after Jake and Kat had left and I enjoyed my last cigarette on the 'ol smoking porch, where I spent much of my time. Enough nostalgia, I must attend to my bunions and read some Harry Potter.

guess I'm in a talky mood today

So, I've been reading through some of my archives as I tend to do from time to time and realize that my blog kinda sucks. It's like reading a journal from high school or early college when you thought you were at least a relatively smart and thinking person and seeing in plain print how immature you were. At least there is still some entertainment factor in that, if you can laugh at yourself that is, which I fortunately seem to be able to do for the most part.

I'm really tired of (kindly) telling nurses what they do wrong in their charting only to be completely ignored as they continue to make the same mistakes.

How does one get over feeling completely rejected? Yeah, yeah, time, and probably seeing a shrink.

2 hours

I still have 2 hours left of mind numbingness office work. I'm pretty sure I f-ed up the hard drive on my laptop by f-ing around with it trying to "fix" it with little to no computer knowledge. But I feel some endorphins trying to kick-start up there in my head, despite it being hot as balls here in MN, causing lethargy. Yeah, I'm feeling a little less slumpish, a little less anxious to try my hand at becoming a functioning alcoholic and chain smoker, I really don't have the time for that anyways.

Trying to decide if I should go to my ten year high school reunion in about a week and a half, I'm pretty indifferent about it seeing as how I had few friends in high school.

fishy

We found a place with cheap fresh fish, at the lake a mere 3 blocks from Cassie (and soon to be my) apartment, eureka.

the slump

The slump continues..I don't know, just one of those blue periods I guess, not debilitating, just enough to make me want to drink copious amounts of beer and watch endless amounts of angsty teen drama (a.k.a. Dawson's Creek). People (mostly my office co-workers) irritate with their small talk and calling me "miss" (which I loathe). I need to start exercising. My vacation helped, always good to see Fuj, and to get away from home for a few days. Maybe I feel like everything is in transition, and once I get more settled I'll feel more comfy in my skin. I don't feel all that fun and witty these days. When I get a little down though I like to revel in it, roll around in it a bit before I get my endorphins flowing again.

Man, you'd think MN, with all it's lakes (and assumed fish abundance), would have some decent inexpensive fish, but Olivia, Cassie and I searched and came up empty.

There I am, dork extraordinaire. Haha, I even graduated with honors and considering I didn't put that much effort into my schooling, I was a little surprised. I guess it feels good to be done, I'm still plagued with self-doubt though. I've been kinda discombobulated lately about life. I'm really hoping that my much needed vacation coming up this week will get me in a more relaxed and happy state of mind since I've been pretty glum lately. Yes, I believe some serious beach time should do the trick.

Betsy moved out yesterday, it's a little sad, thinking about all us 'mates moving on as I've really enjoyed our time in our house despite the usual annoyances of living with people. Onto a new home with my dear friend Cassie come August (pictured right).

so uh yeah

Mostly I stare at a blank screen without anything to say when it comes to this blog. I'm currently utterly exhausted, bouts of insomnia, anxiety about relationships and life in general, been smoking like a fiend lately too, soon I'll be like my mother who seems to have a 3 pack/day habit.



Tomorrow is my unofficial last day of school, next friday I officially graduate, it's over! Well, it doesn't really feel over since I'll probably have about the same schedule, but at least I won't have class and homework, not that I've had much of that lately. I'm to be working part time at Cupcake, then also working my current job part time (I think). The whole thing is stressing me out really, I'm not sure how my boss is going to react really since we are really short staffed right now and unable to hire another person.

I'm on my way to get some sleep.

Perhaps a little melodramatic the other day, still in a state of major confusion but well, it's not that bad. I think I maybe sorta got offered a job at my internship, at least I got a "you should apply for a job here", which I think I might. The place is starting to grow on me plus the owner wants to hire people so he "can get out of the kitchen and work on the business", which means he won't be their judging me and making me nervous and sweaty. He wasn't there today and frankly, I had a darn good time, my potential future co-workers are pretty funny, and I was relaxed and funny too.

Roomies Jake and Kat, after saying they wanted to stay put in our current apartment, have now decided to get a place of their own, so now I gotta figure out where to live, who to live with (if anyone) etc. I'm looking forward to starting fresh sans Lance's decorating.

Just finished Steve Martin's "Shopgirl", related to Mirabelle until everything worked out for her, still liked it though.

confusion and insecurities

I'm in a state these days of uncertainty. Uncertain of where to live, where to work, if I've completely f-ed up my entire life, how I'm ever going to get out of debt, if I'll ever find love, if I'll ever care about my spiritual life again, if I'll ever move out of MN, if I'll ever care things going on in our world.

So yeah.

nostalgia

Man, this Christian rock is sure bringing back a lot of memories, my earlier college days (pre-exposure to alcohol)...ah, I was fat and frumpy, way more anti-social then I am now, struggling internally with faith issues and getting myself into loads of debt. With my eyes closed I can transport myself right back to the coffee shock, where all the indie Christian kids would hang, or at least the posers, and where you could find me many a weekend listening to indie Christian bands wishing I was cool, back when I used to hang with my hometown buddies that I've since lost touch with. Boy, how things have changed, and I think I feel a stirring in my soul.

this, that, and the other

I'm currently listening to some Christian rock that I used to enjoy back in college, perhaps it'll kick start my lethargic soul, get that ember a-flamin', and I'll be a spiritual powerhouse, armed with delicious pastries and my Bible of course.

I think I've decided on the career path that I would like to pursue, cake decorating, which was definitely a draw when I decided to get into this culinary thing. Actually, I still have a lack of direction. I've got a mere 4 weeks left, which consists of going to my internship, which is going better by the way, I don't think the owner believes me to be a complete idiot anymore, still an idiot but not to the degree that he originally thought. Actually, he managed to throw out a couple compliments the past couple days I've worked there, and affirmed that I shouldn't take it personally when he tells me I'm doing something wrong. I'm simultaneously hoping that he'll offer me a job and hoping he doesn't.

I want to go on a variety of vacations this summer, like at least three. Of course I don't have the funding for this but I'll do my darndest.

If only I had my PFR albums with me.

lazing about

Recovering from my birthday shindig/90's throwback party with the girls. Apparently people had a good time, I was too concerned over whether or not everyone was having a good time, or thinking I'm a huge lameoid..at least all the food got eaten. Betsy also announced this here blog to a roomful of people that I'd prefer to not know that I have a blog as I'm not sure if I may have written something that may be offensive..oh well I guess, not that anyone would care enough to spend time trying to find it, I hope anyways.

flaws illuminated

So, I got the internship, today was my first day, and I think overall it went well, but yeah, being in a new somewhat nerve-wracking situation doesn't always make me rise to the occasion. I get shy and unsure of myself, my natural inclination towards putsiness increases, and I tend to screw up (b/c I'm unsure of myself). However, I came through without making any major mistakes, everything got baked and made to satisfaction, just not quite to the high standards of the owner, but I'm also there to learn and he certainly has no qualms about telling me where I need to improve. He's a little intimidating, but nice enough, could be far worse for sure, at least I was never sent into a puddle of tears or anything, I just got a little miffed when he clearly thought I was being slow (hey, it was my first day). I was pleased to find that I didn't hate it at all however, and rewarding when you know you are making good product and that people buy it and enjoy it. Everyone that works there is great and very friendly and helpful, so I hope once I get to know people and become more comfortable I'll show myself to be a competent individual, I just wish I was one of those people that could at least feign confidence, but alas, I am not.

Anyways, the next 3 weeks are well, hellishly busy until I finish my class and then can just focus on work and this internship. I feel squandered of my social life, but I just have to remain focused on the fact that graduation is near.

1 down, 4 to go

So, I applied for this internship that my instructor recommended. I assumed when going to my interview for it, that I would have a similar experience to my classmates in that I would show up, we'd chat, he may ask me some questions, but that I'd essentially just be setting up the logistics. This, however, was not the case. I was questioned on my knowledge of the seven steps in the baking process, which I hadn't studied for months, and I ended up looking like a complete moron. I also have to go in early wed. morning and do a "baking test" in which I make a batch of cupcakes (the place specializes in cupcakes), and I'm expected it seems, to know my stuff. I'm nervous, as I don't exactly usually make a stellar first impression, I get shy, forgetful, timid, etc. when I'm around new people in a new environment.

4 more weeks of class, 9 weeks until I'm a graduate, until I will have free time and a social life, I'll be able to enjoy the summer, I cannot wait.

yet another boring post

So, I have to admit that I'm feeling a little down, I start school again on thursday for my last quarter, and I'm honestly just dreading it at this point, although hopefully once I get going it will be okay. I just want to be done, I'm tired of trying to balance my life and don't feel I've been doing a very good job of it lately. There's also a lot of changes coming up that, while mostly exciting, like finishing school and -hopefully- finding a new job that I enjoy, but there's also the stress of all that, plus finding a new place to live for July, moving, all that stress, and a good friend of mine is leaving very soon which saddens me. I'm sure time will fly and all that, and though it's cloudy, rainy and cold here, summer is bound to come. I'm looking forward to days where I can lay in the sun, read, maybe get some thoughts flowing in that ol' messed up head of mine, maybe do a little painting.

all is well

My co-worker did indeed "get over it", and even bought me ice cream (which I felt a little guilty about). I had to meet with my boss, which was pertaining to my tardiness, and I'm proud to say I've been to work ON TIME ever since, pretty much effortlessly in fact, I mean, I'm honestly shocked at how easy it's been, so easy in fact, that I had time enough before work this morning to iron my skirt and read for 15 min. and still made it on time. I'm enjoying my time off from school, not quite looking forward to returning at this point, but seeing as how the end is near I feel I can get through it, then hopefully find a job that pays well enough, which is a concern, but not something I have to quite worry about yet.

pissing people off

So I really pissed off my co-worker, who I also consider a friend, basically I felt like a selfish ass. As a result I got reprimanded from my boss about my tardiness, and have to be on time to work from here on out since my tardiness/irresponsibility was the cause off the anger, and she was justified in her anger. I hope she gets over it as she says she will. I hate letting people down, especially due to my own bad choices.

Other than that life is still good, I survived my heinous final project last week, barely, but I did indeed survive, and after wed. I'll have a nice little break. I did get me another beater, the power steering kinda lacks at times but overall it seems to be a nice little runner. I've got good friends and money in the bank.

life is good

Other than the daunting final project I have due next week, life is moving along quite nicely, quite nicely indeed. I'm getting a hefty tax refund that will allow me to buy a slightly nicer beater than I had anticipated. Yeah, I've made the difficult decision to let go of the golf, she's had a good stint, stuck by me longer than any other car, and has maintained her quirky character. However, she's old, and I think it is time. Excuse me, I'm getting a little choked up at the thought....

Ahem, well, as I was saying, yeah, life is lovely, looks like I'll be able to pay off some bills I've been avoiding with this refund, school, though difficult, has been a lot of fun, my social life has been fulfilling, and the small amount of recent drama has been positively resolved. Yesterday at school I inadvertantly designed a dessert plate that had a, shall I say, phallic look to it, I was a tad embarrassed when my instructor looked at it and kinda chuckled and was like "umm, it looks like a missile, or uh, something". Then there was the part of class when we were playing with making sugar decorations, and chef Gary said that my classmate's decoration looked like a stomach, to which I suggested that our theme for our sugar showpiece project next quarter should be internal organs, which also got a good chuckle out of the class.