Wednesday, January 09, 2008

where there's a will, there's a way

2008, the self-proclaimed "year of Shawna", looks quite a bit like 2007 so far. Oh, I have plans, and goals my friends, plans and goals. Unfortunately, I know myself, and myself seems to be quite adverse to change, fearful of failure, and therefore quite self-defeating. I mean really..the negative self-talk is fertile (fat, ugly, pathetic, a dissapointment), must blame family of origin for that of course so as to feel justified in wallowing.

Clearly have not found new shrink yet.

Have, however, exercised three days this week thus far. Not a New Years resolution (more of an all the time goal), but have been recruited by co-worker to start "diet" with her, which has been surprisingly decent motivation to not eat exhorbitant amounts of sweets and to actually exercise...thus far. Number on the scale this morning also should be sufficient motivation. We shall see. Am hoping for a repeat of last winter post holidays, when pounds left my body mysteriously and I was at my thinnest I've ever been, was feeling better about life then too..*sigh*.

Am missing my smoking porch. Was such an indulgence to sit and drink on that scuzzy porch, it was my refuge. I don't even have a photo of it. Am missing fun house parties of last year, as well as more abundant social life.

Former roommate Betsy and I have been wracking brains (sort of) in pursuit of a creative outlet that will garner us much in terms of, witty independent screenplay, etc. If only I could write better, or actually DO something, well, other than watch TV on DVD or read Carolyn Hax chat archives for even one evening. Wish I had some sort of musical talent, then could at least form a fun band and make cute hipster boys swoon. Where there is a will, there is a way.

I truly believe right now that I will be putting in my notice at the bakery tomorrow. Feel like I'm making a good decision other than that I will look like a complete dissapointment mostly to my family. My debt is scaring me though and being an office slog pays considerably better.

Am heading south tomorrow to go to former roommate Jake's band's cd release party in quaint town which will dreg up those fond/yet painful memories that often occur as a result of failed romance.

If being sad and bitter is wrong, I don't want to be right.