Tuesday, November 30, 2004

perfect, just perfect

My lovely friend Olivia has agreed to be my lovely friend/roomate. After a year of roomate hell in my bleephole apartment this is quite refreshing. However, because of said roomate hell and bleephole apartment I find myself obsessing about finding the perfect apartment, and having a playstation 2 so I can play dance dance revolution to my hearts desire. So, I'm attempting to calm myself and realize that I will not likely find the perfect apartment in the perfect location within my price range. I am excited to once again live with my buddy, I think we have matured in our time of separation and will make better roomies this go around.

I have been obsessing about a variety of material objects lately, shoes, clothes, electronics and gadgets. I wish I would obsess about going to the gym, that would be better for me. I suppose because I had somewhat of a lonely stint the past couple months, but I should be more resourceful and think of cheaper (monetarily) and more fulfilling things to occupy my mind.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

better today

I'm in a much better mood, even though I still haven't gotten enough sleep. Was out too late at the bar being drunk and obnoxious, hearing our new buddy Chase's stories about catching a beaver when he was fly fishing. I have lost my mixing bowl hat forever, it was not at the Turf club where I left it sunday night. I'm hoping to learn how to crochet hats, I was planning on crocheting gifts this year for Christmas, but I don't think I'll have enough time.

I am having a difficult time making a decision to stop putting effort towards maintaining a certain relationship. Mostly it is a matter of me not putting so much stock on how someone else thinks of me or reacts to me. This is really difficult for me because I have always had close friendships that are long lasting, and I have a hard time letting go. I haven't felt good about myself with this person, my worst qualities come out, so I know that it is best to let go. I also have a problem being nostalgic about the good things. So I will see if I can follow through this time, it is something I should have done a while ago, but I have always continued to try to make things better and now they are worse. It is nice to be able to read other poeple's blogs who have been or are in similar situations. As hard as it is I feel good about this, I just need to stick to my decision.

First Avenue reopened!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004


I'm in a foul mood today, I woke up at 4 and didn't sleep. I need coffee, and to get a handle on my emotions. I am at the mercy of what I feel these days and I don't know what to do about it. It is cold and my skin is getting dry and flaky, I have to move during the worst time of the year. The holidays are coming up which means spending time with family and making awkward small talk that I hate. At least I get a good meal.

Friday, November 19, 2004

comfortable in my anxiety

that is what my therapist says I am, so she gave me a book "How to Start Conversations and Make Friends", that will help me get out of this comfort zone with my social anxiety. Now, I guess I don't feel that I'm that socially inept, I am capable of meeting people and having conversation, depending on what mood I am, how much energy I have and where I'm at and who I am with. I'm not completely frozen with fear all the time in social situations, but I am aware that I'm pretty self conscious. So I guess I am pretty comfortable with my anxiety, I play into the shy girl role cause I know that is what everyone assumes of me and to break out of that would require effort and risk, that people will like me or they won't, or they will like me now and not later. I'm so used to sitting back and observing that I don't hardly realize that I'm not saying anything, cause in my head I'm usually totally engaged (unless the conversation is completely boring), even if I don't verbalize it so I don't realize that I may be just a bump on a log to the others around me.

Well, enough about my issues, despite getting a really great parking spot today, I'm kinda bummed cause I keep wrecking my clothes in the wash, I ruined my favorite pants and I may have ruined a shirt I bought last night, I washed it cause I got it at the consignment shop, in the delicate cycle, let it air dry and put it on this morning and it has light brown spots on it, like it soaked up the dye from something else is what I was thinking perhaps. I took the clothes out not more than 10 minutes after they were done, so who knows. I soaked it in detergent and if that doesn't work I'll try oxy clean. I'm just mad I didn't even get to wear it yet.

Monday, November 15, 2004

unfinished assignments

I'm supposed to go to see my therapist in about an hour. I don't want to go, I don't know what to talk about and I didn't do my "assignment" which was to make more of an effort to connect with others, even if just a smile or a hello. I was supposed to do this with 3 people a day and journal about it, instead I thought about it sometimes when it looked like I may have had an opportunity, but didn't do anything about it, nor did I write about it. Oh well, at least it has been on my mind.

The alcohol from all the festivities is working its way out of my system. I have really had a great time the past few days and the wedding was lovely. I think I have just been so happy to have my good friends near that it increased my buzz, high on life and booze. I must say I can be pretty damn hilarious , I make myself laugh anyways. I just wish I didn't have to drink to be more myself, I don't always, but it certainly helps, and then there's always that risk I'll embarass myself.

Cassie, I miss you already, now that you have that swanky laptop I expect to get more pics from you (and emails)! Jenni, you were/are absolutely gorgeous and I hope you are having a great romantic time in Italy with your husband. Olivia we may not have love (of the romantic kind) but at least we have eachother and happy hour, although you have been getting more action than I, but that's nothing new.

I'm going to the mall of america again tonight to return something, this will be the fourth time this week, I'm starting to get pretty comfortable there. Just wish I had the money to shop to my hearts desire, I'm addicted now that I've started I don't want to stop.

Last night the beeping started again, I'm not sure where it's coming from exactly but I think the apartment across from me. So, because there is this loud beep every minute or so, and I already have a hard enough time sleeping I had a really restless night, I tried to turn on the TV so that I could kind of drown out the beeping and I fall asleep with the TV on all the time. It helped sort of but not really, I'm thinking about writing a note to the people across the hall. 1 1/2 months until I can move!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

the story of my life

which is money problems, grrrr, just when I thought my money issues were on the up and up, my dad calls me and babbles about if I can take over some of my student loan payments that he's been paying on. Sure, thinks I, now that I'm about at a place where I don't have to worry about starving myself for lack of grocery money, I'll just take on some more payments and be right back there. Granted, my oh so gracious father did take out a loan for me my senior year of college which allowed me to finish school, and helped me out here and there, but I have to admit that I feel some selfish bitterness cause it wasn't a huge loan and it seems most people's parents are more than happy to help their children through college. However apparently after talking we realized he was talking about a loan that I've already been paying on that he's the cosigner for, so there is just some overdue payments to catch up on and it should be allright. Still, I have to shell out a little more money than I had planned on to get the loan current, grrrr. It will be fine, if I could just get a darn part time job, I'm starting to feel quite rejected here that no one will hire me, not even target. Then I feel like this dissapointment to my dad who was dissapointed that I went to a private school, dissapointed in my major, and disappointed with what I've been doing since I graduated and I feel that I just confirm his dissapointments. He is helping me get the loan caught up though, he's not as bad a guy as I make him out to be I just have pent up resentment, but he's allright, and he's going to continue to pay on the loan as long as I keep up with the other one.

On a happy note, at least I'm a successful cookie maker, I brought in some chocolate chip cookies that I made last night and have gotten rave reviews.

Only a couple people have commented on my haircut and color, apparently it wasn't as much of a change as I thought. That's okay, its really about seeing Matt and admiring his pectorals, amongst other things.

The rest of this week is filled with festivity, tonight all "the girls" will be reunited, and we will have a slumber party. The rest of the week is all fun leading up to Jenni's wedding friday night. Jenni being married is a little weird, I think she just wants to get laid. Just kidding Jenni!, I suppose she's in love too, and I'm happy for her.

I've been thinking lately about my high school crush that I was obsessed with throughout most of college. Every once in a while I get an urge to call him up, I don't know if I still have his correct phone number but perhaps I'll stalk him again. Not that I really stalked him before, just showed up randomly at his aparment at odd hours and once threw rocks at his window. That is perfectly normal behavior, along with being obsessed about someone for a good 4-5 years that you barely know.

Friday, November 05, 2004


I didn't sleep well, I think due to the gutrot that I'm experiencing. It was probably the combination of the happy hour beer and potpie that I decided to consume at about 11 p.m., how I even managed to stay awake that late is beyond me. I also realized this morning that said potpie contained over 1000 calories and about 70 grams of fat, that's disgusting. Then I had a massive craving for milk and finally succumbed at 5 am, gulped down what remained in the fridge and I felt a little better, but I still feel as though things aren't digesting to the best of their ablility. I have decided against the blood type diet, apparently I would basically become a vegan, avoiding meat and dairy, I love dairy.

Can Jude Law be in any more movies, Alfie looks good and apparently I heart huckabees is supposed to be good too.

Today I have been distracting myself with reading up on first ave. Why I'm all the sudden obsessed with first ave. I don't know, except that I like it there and have good memories, and it was always a place to hear good music, not that I can afford to go to shows all the time, but first ave. would have comps and pretty reasonable ticket prices. From what I gathered there is a possiblity that it may open again in a few months.

I'm listening to the Cure cause of Olivia's great story about love cats. Great to have my buddy back in the cities. Thankfully she avoided getting killed last night when I ran that stopsign (accidentally of course) and narrowly missed getting hit. I'm still feeling a little bad about that.

69 was on my phone yesterday when it got its buttons pushed in my purse. Maybe it's trying to tell me something.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

what a bummer

What a bummer when your choice for Pres. loses by a few hundred thousand votes. At least MN had the right idea

What a bummer when First Ave. closes due to bankruptcy without any warning.

Olivia, I expect you at happy hour tomorrow at 5 p.m. sharp!!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

a big day

Not only is Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill on tonight, but we may have a new president, or not, how exciting. I admit that I'm part of the problem in the U.S. cause I am not into politics and do not inform myself about government systems, form much of an opinion, or find motivation to do something concrete to change what I don't agree with.
Reasons to Rejoice: thursday Olivia will be back in the states, Cassie will return on Sunday, and the quality time I have spent the past few weeks with my buddy Jenni before she becomes betrothed.
No matter what time I wake up I'm still late to work, I have tried to wake up earlier the past 2 days and was still late. I'm thinking about reading up on that new blood type diet, supposedly certain foods react differently with certain blood types so if you eat and avoid the correct foods you will feel more energized and lose or maintain an ideal weight. Maybe it will help me get to work on time too.