Friday, October 29, 2004

strangely warm

I walked out this morning expecting it to be cold as balls (Sarah texted me this morning that it was C.A.B, apparently in Mass.), but it is very warm, like upper 60's. Looks like its only for today. Like a true Minnesotan I must blog about the weather, it is just so strange and exciting, the weather that is.
I did not receive a $500 deposit to my bank account like my email said, it tricked me.
I just tried a carrot dipped in peanut butter for the first time, it was good, but not as good as apple and PB.
Today is friday which means Carolyn Hax will have online chat on the washington post website, I always look forward to this, at least as much as my teenage drama's, probably more cause she gives really good advice. I also may have my Job review today, monday for sure, my raise has already been approved so its just a matter of sitting there and receiving compliments. I feel a little bad about this cause I don't work as hard as I should, but the work I do do I do well at least. (that was a horrible sentence) We are also incredibly behind because of lack of staff, so I feel guilty about that too, just a little.
I, like my buddy Olivia, am an emo-drunk. This is a fairly common occurance amongst many I suppose, but the affects of alchohol never cease to amaze me. I usually become obnoxious and run my mouth off, often putting my foot in there too, but I can crack a good joke sometimes. Alchohol is a depressent, so after that initial buzz and good feelings I can feel a little down, or a lot down if something sets me off, then the next day it seems like I was way overemotional. Fortunately I have not, in the past year or so at least, put myself in situations where I just do something drunkenly foolish, I mean, I've been drunk, and probably was obnoxious and/or emotional, but haven't done something that I absolutely regret or would make me disgusted with myself the following morning, which I think most can relate to. So that is something to be thankful for.
I just ran across the last name Kenney, which reminds me of Kinney aka Curtis Kinney, my math for the 21st century prof. His name isn't really Curtis, it's Bill I think, but Sarah fuj.and I had the class together and would poke fun and call him Curtis, thinking about it makes me chuckle.
Fun new words from Fuj.: Wicked and Uber
People were yelling in the hallway of my apartment building last night which woke me, I was pissed, it was like 3 am, don't people have any courtesy? I can't wait to move!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

wicked cool tuesday!

this means One tree hill and Gilmore Girls will be on tonight! I hope Cassie appreciates that I've been taping the episodes while she's in Japan (except I missed the first 45 min. or so of GG last week cause Jenni and I were at happy hour).
I have shed my responsibility of the dreaded insurance calls portion of my job, hooray! The evil has been passed on to the unfortunate soul of Andrea, lets hope she fares better than I.
I love Elvis Costello, shout out to my man Elvis!
I spent a lovely weekend in Chicago for Jenni's bachelorette party, once again my introversion was confirmed. Spending the weekend with 8-10 girls for three days, only one of which I really know well and knows me well, was a bit draining. It was fun nonetheless. I enjoy sitting back and listening to others talk, I just don't like it when I'm thought of as timid, stupid, rude, snotty etc. because I don't say a lot, and I didn't feel that I was thought of that way with these girls, which was nice. I'm getting used to it though and am trying to learn to either be okay with it, or make a change if I don't like it, but whatever I do, it has to be because of me and not because I want to be more accepted by others, kind of like losing weight or whatever else. I was reading today about first impressions and how are brain will sum someone up in like nanoseconds and that snapshot is forever ingrained in our minds. This is disconcerting to me cause I'm pretty sure I don't make a first good impression, once in a blue moon, but most often I feel my insecurities are so apparent whether I want them to be or not. I am really constantly amazed at people who run their mouth off, I don't necessarily mean it negatively (it depends on who you are), but really that put themselves out there and don't seem to have a shred of self consciousness. I have to admit it is something I desire for myself, not necessarily the running of the mouth, but the lack of self consciousness, which leads to fear, which, well, leads to not living fully basically.
I applied to Target last night in the hopes of making extra cash, my quest for a part time job has thus far been futile, maybe this will pan out. If only I would have my job review that is like 2 months overdue and get my raise...
Back to the self consciousness and work, last week my manager asked me if I had been crying cause I had smudged mascara. Maybe like a couple three weeks ago I was all out crying at work so I'm sure she thinks I'm about to snap. Anyways, I had been crying, I don't remember why now, but it was so shocking to me that she asked me that, and not even privately but in the front of the office that I denied it, not that I really wanted to explain to her whatever reason I may have been crying. She is really great, the best manager I have had, but I'm a private person and people are really open and kind of nosy around here. I'm getting better at asserting that it isn't their business though, and try to appreciate their concern for me at the same time.
Cassie blessed me with a phone call yesterday morning, a pleasant monday surprise!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Shelter from the rain

I finally have my car windows fixed! Thank you Kevin. A good thing too cause it looks like rain this week.
Part of my job is calling insurance companies to get our services authorized, it is what I hate most. I have to sit on hold, and follow prompts which I usually screw up because I don't pay attention cause I'm on the web. I then spout off a bunch of information and whoever I talk to will give me a reference number, or I'll have to talk to a nurse or case manager. They sometimes ask me why we feel we had to do a homecare visit for a mom and baby when they could have gone to the clinic. Usually there really is no reason they couldn't go to the clinic so I have to try to be confident and convince them that we had to send a nurse out because of sore nipples. Really it is more than that, I mean they are a new mother and are tired and probably frustrated and their nipple's hurt and the last thing they want is to pack up their newborn and drag them to the clinic. Insurance companies don't care, and are usually snotty about it too.
I haven't done much with myself lately, except I went to a coworker's bachelorette party. I just stayed for dinner and gifts, I didn't go out dancing at the new spot downtown, mostly to save money. I found some cheap cute chairs at a thrift shop in St. Paul, that was the highlight of my weekend.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Cold as Balls, part 2

Especially when the car is lacking a window and plastic doesn't stick very well, I guess I have to use duct tape.
I went to see my friend Kahlil perform with his group, Everyday People, last night. I love hearing them, his songs are very spiritual and so uplifting along with just plain lovely, I get chills. He is just a great person as well. And I got a shot and a beer bought for me, what a great night!
I lack spirituality at present, but I try to keep my foot in the door as best I can right now. I also lack discipline, I don't know that things like spiritual connectedness just get handed to you on a platter, and I always have the nagging feeling I should be putting in more effort. I don't want my life to be excuses, and I know I make a lot of them.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

one with nature

I took the advice of my good friend Jenni and took an excursion to Taylor's Falls since I was jealous that she and her fiance had gotten to go camping and enjoy the beautiful (probably last) warm weekend of the year. Never having been to Taylor's Falls and also not usually one to venture off on my own outside a 10 mile radius, or go hiking for that matter, it was quite an adventure. Well, not really, but it was a really nice afternoon and the trees and river were beautiful. I managed to veer off the trail because I somehow failed to see the obvious way to go and decided to try an alternate route down the steep hill with many loose rocks that I saw some other people on. My buddies know that I'm a fearful person when it comes to anything that may remotely cause harm or death so I struggled my way down the hill, meanwhile passing a mom and her 5-6 year old daughter who was climbing the rocks like a pro, I felt a little sheepish, but I just kept thinking to myself "you are challenging yourself, facing your fear however small" After all that I stopped for some ice cream and then went shopping, what a natural high!

Friday, October 08, 2004

a sofa for me

Today is a good day, I will receive a used sofa from a gracious co worker. This sofa has been elusive, there have been several attempts to obtain this sofa but to no avail. Today I will triumph and it will be mine!
Tonight is also the St. Paul art crawl, and I miss Cassie cause she was my art crawl buddy, and now she is in Japan having all kinds of wonderful experiences (her boyfriend is also a "jack of all trades" sort of guy and patiently helps me with my plentiful car issues, including my broken window). (How's that for a lengthy parenthetical phrase Olivia!). Art crawls are great, there are free snacks and booze and silly looking people and people that make their profound comments and artists who make art, good and bad. Hopefully I can find someone handing out tequila shots, even better if my Bethel profs handed out tequila shots unfortunately that won't be happening thanks to said covenant statement.
Monday is Columbus day, which means the banks are closed, which means I stamped the wrong deposit date on the checks we got at work, and had to change all the dates. Why are we celebrating columbus anyway, he's supposed to be a real a-hole.
Eureka! I won the journals I bid on on ebay, lets hope they are as nice in real life as they look like online. oh happy day.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

suppressed rage

I walked out the door into the brisk autumn air this morning and was greeted by a pleasant surprise. Someone had kindly broken my car window last night, no, not the back one that was already shattered but still remains somewhat intact, this time it is the driver's side. Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to scrape out as much glass as I could I pondered why me. There are plenty of other cars parked along the street, newer models with likely something of actual value inside unlike my ride, which doesn't even have a working radio and is filled with trash. I also wondered if it was personal, if someone occasionally has a little fun with my car. In the past couple of years I have had an increased number of random incidents happen to my parked car, dents, side window knocked off and now this. It makes me angry, now I have to shell out money that I don't have for nothing, and I wonder if whoever did it feels anything, any remorse for my state, or are they pissed because they got nothing as well, not even some smokes. I used to leave my doors unlocked for this very reason, so that someone wouldn't break a window, but then some strung out guy decided to use my car for shelter and a possible bathroom and I started locking the doors.
I have to remember it is just a window, a couple pieces of glass, some time and money, others have lost far more than I ever have. At least its supposed to warm up the next couple days.

Monday, October 04, 2004


So much on ebay, so little money.

Anyone want to go to the cornmaze with me? Anyone? anyone? It's the funnest! Too bad my buddies are scattered all over the world right now, or else getting married. A maze of corn symbolizes so many things, complexity yet simplicity, growth, beginnings and endings, paths not chosen, fears, etc. It can be very inspiring.
Maybe that is what I should paint about, corn mazes. I have lacked inspiration lately, mostly because I am lazy and don't work because inspiration and good ideas do not just come and bite you in the rear, well sometimes I suppose. I have plenty of excuses for not painting, I wonder often if I have a deep passion for anything, I'm not sure, hopefully I just haven't tapped into it yet. I also have too many fears.
There I go obsessing over myself again, clearly I have too much time on my hands.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Cold as Balls

As my good friend Sarah would say and texted me this morning it is "cold as balls" here, after a time of unseasonably warm weather, we are going into a stretch of unseasonably cold weather. I am dreading winter more than ever before this year. Dark and cold does not work wonders for one's mood. So I "look forward" to things, trip to Chicago, my good friend's wedding that will also bring home a couple friends dear to my heart, the holidays, moving to a hopefully much better apartment with hopefully much better roomates. So those things will get me through, but I want to do more than get through. So I plod along, hoping to trip over myself one day and then I will "be known" by myself and have found my lifes passion and all will fall into place, be my authentic self as Dr. Phil would say.
I do love Dr. Phil, he makes me chuckle even if what he isn't some great enlightener, and he also is one of my distractions from my job, along with Carolyn Hax, ebay, and my new found love for blogs. We got an email a while back at work saying that employees spend 30 min. a day online and then it was like that times all the employees and how much they make in that half hour equaled a bajillion dollars of wasted company money. Makes me feel a little bad.