Thursday, September 25, 2008


I'm a bad daughter, I keep meaning to call my mother who's birthday was 2 days ago, but when I actually remember to do it I figure I'll do it later at a more convenient time, then forget when it is a convenient time. We aren't really big on birthdays in my family, I feel pretty lucky if any member of the fam so much as phones me on my birthday, or even a day or so off. In fact, my own father has gotten it into his head the past few years that my birthday is the day before the actual date, and I haven't had the heart to correct him. I mean sure, he's one of the key components to my existance and one would hope that the blessed day that he his last born entered this world would be so seared in his mind that he could remember that the anniversary of said date falls on the 4th and not the 3rd, but in the end it really is inconsequential. Hell, I'm lucky if I remember to send him a card on the day of his birthday so that it arrives a day or two after.

Speaking of birthdays, I find myself talking a lot about being almost 30, in a negative light. I never thought I'd be one of persons who would freak out about age, and I of course have no negative feelings towards anyone in their 30's based on their age alone, many of them still even manage to remain cool after entering the next decade of their life. I don't know, I suppose not really accomplishing ANY life goals that one should accomplish according to societal standards is putting a damper on getting older. I guess I manage to support myself, but just barely. I certainly don't have any marriage prospects nor will I likely anytime soon if ever. Even if I were to get married I don't feel a huge maternal urge to have a baby. This past year kinda crippled my self-esteem in a way I hadn't experienced in a while, and feeling like I wasted a year and lots of money going to culinary school was quite unfortunate. I know I'm not alone in my angst, it just feels like it sometimes when you see your peers doing well in either career, or family, or creatively or what have you and you just slog along. Thankfully people always peg me as being in my mid-20's so at least I don't look old, this excites me! (and also sets me up to be a quality couger).

I freakin' love Neko Case. Saw her last week live and she was mesmerizing and funny.

I made some -frankly- really tasty lettuce wraps the other night. I'm trying to cook healthy meals for myself so that I don't eat out so much. The act of cooking doesn't much excite me as much as baking does, but baked goods are certainly not helping me win the battle of the bulge. Even when I "share" what I've baked I find myself hording a few servings for myself to enjoy over the course of a few days. I worry about my weight a lot these days, part of the fat kid syndrome where I really don't want to become chubby again, really don't want that at all. I mean I'm not going to develop an eating disorder so don't worry, but just trying to exercise and be more concious of what I'm eating sure doesn't hurt. And I also worry about TURNING 30, and my metabolism slowing...and wrinkles...and gray hair.

Oh, and my anxiety is much better today. I'm kinda bummed though, I've been looking for new blog reading material to distract me through the day, and lots 'o folks who have had their blogs for as long or less time than I have actually have a readership! Some of them have several readers and commenters, I think I have maybe 4, and those are friends of mine who I think feel obligated to read, and yet I write as though people actually read this thing. I don't care that much but wonder a little if people don't like me.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

high anxiety

I am experiencing such intense generalized anxiety that I'm shaking, and since the anxiety is generalized, I can't pinpoint the cause. It could be the pending move, but I don't know why I'd have anxiety about that other than I'm losing some bedroom square footage.

So yeah, we found an adorable house in a great locale, and start the big move on Friday.

I've been acting like a fool in my early-mid 20's this past month, going out too much, drinking too much, being fiscally irresponsible, etc. and etc.

So, even if I never ever ever get out of this one horse town and continue to work as nurse whipping girl for the rest of my godforsaken life and then retire to an afterlife of eternal damnation, I have a goal to apply to the JET program, and to get TEFL/TESOL certified, and to head overseas next year (Japan or elsewhere). Don't anybody get too excited since I seem to be unable to follow through with much outside of my comfort zone, but at least I have a little something to work towards. God knows if McCain/Palin get elected that would certainly be that much more motivation to get the hell out of dodge.

I'm getting tons of gray hair, I've always had a few strands here and there but it is getting out of hand now. I'd say it's premature, but I am almost 30 now.

Boy, my posting has been quite lame as of late, I've done very little actual thinking lately. My blogiversary is coming up soon, next week in fact.