Friday, December 31, 2004


Well, the move is going allright so far. It was really icy yesterday and I was a little worried about moving the big furniture but my muscley stepbrother and dad got it done unscathed. Then it warmed up to springlike temps and was a beautiful evening, so I walked to the store bought me a pizza and drank the one beer I had, sat on the porch and smoked, it was excellent. I felt very pleased. So just have the odds and end, cleaning and such to take care of then all the unpacking.

I need to work on assertiveness. Our landlord has some of his things stored in my room and hasn't moved it yet. Olivia and I had to work ourselves up to get the courage to ask if we could move the twin bed out so I can fit mine in, but all his stuff is still in the closet, making it difficult for me to unpack. In explaining the sitch to my coworker she reminded me that even though he is kind enough to let us move in early, that if he wasn't going to have the room ready he should have said so and so I shouldn't feel bad about asking him to move his shit out. She is quite right, she needs to be my advocate.

We all wore our shirts to work today, the one's we got for Christmas and didn't like. My shirt actually got some compliments, but most agreed it just wasn't me, and it doesn't fit me anyway. It's definately more my sister's style, I can at least tell her I put it on and people liked it, hopefully she will feel better.

Well, I don't have much planned for new years, probably stay at home and drink champaigne, and unpack, or maybe go to the turf club. I'm tired from moving so relaxing sounds nice.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

moving days

I move at least once a year, sometimes twice. I didn't want to move into the apartment that I'm currently in, but lost the coin toss, and have had some drama there this past year, so I'm am the most excited to move than I have ever been. I don't care that it is cold and drizzly, and that I have to pack my boxes again and move all my shit, I just want to get settled and get our place pimpin', which I don't think will truly happen until I can get the cash to get a playstation 2 and dance dance revolution. Although now that Olivia is kinda dating a former Abercrombie model, the bathroom situation might be a little awkward (it's attached to one of the bedrooms, so whoever is in that room sacrifices a little privacy), but we did talk about putting the cowboy hat on the door, we will work something out, I don't want to cramp anyone's style.

Okay, I don't know what's going on at work, but people are being especially nice to me. Everyone is usually very nice, but someone seems to think I make awesome coffee, although I just make it how I was shown, this same person complimented me this morning about how I'm great at my job. Maybe it is my brightly colored sweater. We are short staffed today, but I had already arranged to take off early to move, so ha! One of my other coworkers got me a christmas gift that I won't get til friday. I didn't even give anyone cards. Well, I guess I'm just so charming people can't help but shower me with gifts and compliments.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


I used to work out quite regularly, and after spending my whole existence as chubby, plump, or husky as I was once referred to, I dropped about thirty pounds and was/am happy with my weight. I surprisingly haven't gained anything back, considering I stopped working out as regularly over time, and no longer care as much about what I eat, but I do feel flabby. At that time I felt strong, like I had some muscle tone, but that is no more. I would like to feel healthy again, I joined the gym at work, but it is lacking in equipment and classes.

I also learned you can change what you look like on the outside, drop some weight, get a funky haircut, new clothes, whatever and still not be right with yourself. I had guy friends that I used to have crushes on, but I was always the smart funny girl that's good to have around for stimulating conversation or to ask advice on the friends that they were dating or wanted to date, but they didn't see me as more than a good friend. Now I totally get affirmed by them, but then I wonder why my personality wasn't enough, and that feeling of rejection seems to be taking a long time to get over, because I still am under the impression that I am not noticeable or attractive, or can hold someone's attention, clearly it holds me back, relationally, creatively, and I keep thinking something external is going to change me.

Last night I finished A Million Little Pieces, and I highly recommend it, it was both encouraging and sad and extremely personal and well written.

Friday those of us at the office that received clothing that we aren't too fond of for christmas are going to wear them, at least give the clothes a fighting chance.

Monday, December 27, 2004

I like my room hot

I think it was about 10 degrees in the room I slept in at my mom's house, it was frigid cold. I kept waking up periodically and wanted to go downstairs where it was slightly warmer but I had to finish crocheting a hat for my mom and she was downstairs.
Usually I spend christmas eve with my mom and christmas day with my dad, but this year it was reversed and christmas eve consisted of all of my stepmother's family crowding into their small house, eating dumplings and sauerkraut, butchering carols, and exchanging white elephant gifts, and playing catch phrase, I barely knew anyone there. My poor grandpa is in his 80's and has pnuemonia, and my dad is screaming at him cause he's hard of hearing, although I speak pretty softly and he understood me fine when I projected just a little more. Whatever.
I in fact didn't get any normal food, stuffing or potatoes or turkey, etc. My mom took us out to an Indian restaurant on christmas then we saw the Aviator. I feel bad cause I told my sister that I didn't like the shirt she bought me and I know she takes things like that very personally.

I had a horrible dream that I was in Morocco with my family and me and my sisters were at this carnival type thing, my sister had her baby with her and put her in an elephant coat to get ready to go. The three of us left the baby on a table for a minute to get something and when we came back she was gone, so the rest of my dream consisted of me running around and asking people if they'd seen a baby in an elephant suit, and crying. Very strange.

I don't want to be at work today, I'm tired and I drank and smoked too much last night. But I left a small jug of milk in my car which made it luciously cold, I find that there is nothing more satisfying when one has a hangover then a nice cold glass of milk, mmmmm. This week is moving week!!!! I'm incredibly excited about this, I need to get out of my hole of hell, it's not that bad I guess, at least its hot, but I really need a fresh start, too much bad karma in that place. I recommend that no one move into an apartment building where there was a murder (a few years ago, but still...)

Friday, December 24, 2004

the reason for the season

Much to my surprise, my dad insisted on putting a new battery in my car, which required him to drive about an hour to my apartment and spend a couple hours in the subzero trying to get my car working. I'm still not sure why he did this, I had a ride home for christmas, and could wait until it got a little warmer to get my car fixed, but I'm not complaining I guess, it was just weird. My dad helps me out, but he's often more the you got yourself into it, you figure it out kind of guy, or seems at least somewhat disgruntled when he has to bail me out. Maybe I'm too hard on the guy, in any case, my car is working and I didn't have to shell out the cash for a battery, REJOICE!
I'm reading a book called "A Million Little Pieces", by James Frey, it's his memoir of getting treatment for serious drug addiction. My brother is an addict, so this book is helping me to understand him a bit more, like the intense need and daily denying of desires an addict goes through every day that never ever goes away. I can't imagine how much strength and will power an addict must muster every day to stay sober, and how dissapointing it must be if they stay sober then relapse. James Frey was at the best treatment facility and the success rate is still only 15%, that is incredible and highly discouraging to me.

I farted last night at a coffee shop that I frequent fairly regularly, and am still feeling a little embarrassed, it was just a little one, but it was right in between songs and Jesse and Drew (also regulars, one works there) were only sitting a couple tables away. This is on par with the time I went to the bathroom there and came out with my fly open, what can I say, coffee makes me a little gassy...
Merry Christmas

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

on why MN is not the ideal place to live

Because it gets cold as balls, and somehow, even though it is cold as balls, it manages to get warm enough at some point during the night, when the sun has not even shown and it is supposed to get colder, not warmer, to produce icy rain that covers everything with an icy sheet, making driving hell. The weather toys with us mercilessly in the land of ten thousand lakes, I can't imagine what they go through in Canada, there is always some icy blast coming from Canada giving us the joy of subzero temps.
My car was dead this morning because I forgot to turn my lights off last night, so I had to walk 7 blocks to work, which wasn't actually too bad considering it was like 8 degrees, I only suffered from some moderately cold legs, must be that hat I crocheted. I'm just thankful that the heat was restored in my apartment and I was all toasty warm during the night instead of scrunched in the fetal position with every muscle tensed to maintain my body temp. Things like this have a tendency to get me down, so to combat this I must think in terms of -at least-, like At least I'm not in the ditch in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard, at least my mother didn't prostitute me at age thirteen so that she could support her drug habit...
Sooo, despite the constant stress of money issues, I'm doing allright, considering....

Friday, December 10, 2004

it works!

and my coworker just stuffed herself in a box, another threw a ball of tape into my coffee cup


Okay, the link didn't work, lets try it again here, This is funny, I think.

Oh, I almost forgot, Olivia and I signed our lease for a very cute apartment at a very nice location! Thank you Olivia for putting forth all your efforts to get that worked out!

my wrist hurts

perhaps I have carpal tunnel

I'm tired today, I stayed out too late last night. My acquaintance Pete invited me out to this sushi place because he and a friend were DJ'ing. So instead of retire for the evening I decided I could go for a beer, feeling bad for Pete cause I doubted that he would draw a big crowd. There ended up actually being a decent amount of people there so then I felt silly sitting at the bar by myself pathetically going through a half pack of smokes, intermittently chatting with Pete, and pretending to be very interested in the B ball game. Then there was a strange turn of events, a cute fella sat down next to me to chat. Now, it isn't that unusual that a cute guy would approach me in a bar, I am usually accompanied by very attractive friends that they hope to be introduced to, but in this case we were just both there alone. I tried to use it as an opportunity to practice the tips given in my conversations and making friends book, attempted to keep the conversation flowing for a more lengthy period of time with someone that would normally intimidate me into muteness. Overall, it was very pleasant, a few moments of awkward silence that were acknowledged and chuckled over, nice piercing blue eyes, a vegetarian metrosexual that was raised on a commune.

I have done jack shit today, except read blogs, Carolyn Hax's online chat, email and being amused by pickle pictures.

On a sadder note, I went to a funeral a couple days ago for a coworker's 19 year old brother who was killed in a car accident. I was surprised at how emotional I was for my friend, who I don't even know that well, but who is a really great individual. Empathy has not always my strong point. I'll use this as a public service announcement for us all to be careful on the roads, myself especially, some things can't be avoided, but some can, and I know that I need those reminders to focus more on being safe.

I unfortunately ( or fortunately) have NKOTB stuck in my head from the nostalgic mix of music on our drive home from the funeral. Step by step...

Couple of random thoughts...if tomatoes were of a firmer consistency I'd eat them like an apple
okay, just one I guess

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I'm a do-gooder

Today is the beginning of occupying myself with more fulfilling things. I'm going to get interviewed at the school that I will hopefully be volunteering at, and I have my weight orientation at the gym here at work, to tone the flabbiness that has acquired over the past year or so of not working out regularly. I am optimistic about being able to find and afford a decent apartment, and I learned how to crochet a hat last night. I have a $30 Abercrombie and Fitch gift certificate that I think I need to use very soon, I don't particularly like that store, but I'll take what I can get. I have a road trip to Philly on the horizon in Jan. with my buddy Fujipants. I was at work on time this morning. We are having our office christmas party on Sat. so I anxiously await some awesome free food. I think I'm slightly improving my starting conversation and making friends skills. What is this odd sensation, could it be a genuine feeling feeling of contentedness?, hmmmm, better enjoy it while it lasts

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

perfect, just perfect

My lovely friend Olivia has agreed to be my lovely friend/roomate. After a year of roomate hell in my bleephole apartment this is quite refreshing. However, because of said roomate hell and bleephole apartment I find myself obsessing about finding the perfect apartment, and having a playstation 2 so I can play dance dance revolution to my hearts desire. So, I'm attempting to calm myself and realize that I will not likely find the perfect apartment in the perfect location within my price range. I am excited to once again live with my buddy, I think we have matured in our time of separation and will make better roomies this go around.

I have been obsessing about a variety of material objects lately, shoes, clothes, electronics and gadgets. I wish I would obsess about going to the gym, that would be better for me. I suppose because I had somewhat of a lonely stint the past couple months, but I should be more resourceful and think of cheaper (monetarily) and more fulfilling things to occupy my mind.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

better today

I'm in a much better mood, even though I still haven't gotten enough sleep. Was out too late at the bar being drunk and obnoxious, hearing our new buddy Chase's stories about catching a beaver when he was fly fishing. I have lost my mixing bowl hat forever, it was not at the Turf club where I left it sunday night. I'm hoping to learn how to crochet hats, I was planning on crocheting gifts this year for Christmas, but I don't think I'll have enough time.

I am having a difficult time making a decision to stop putting effort towards maintaining a certain relationship. Mostly it is a matter of me not putting so much stock on how someone else thinks of me or reacts to me. This is really difficult for me because I have always had close friendships that are long lasting, and I have a hard time letting go. I haven't felt good about myself with this person, my worst qualities come out, so I know that it is best to let go. I also have a problem being nostalgic about the good things. So I will see if I can follow through this time, it is something I should have done a while ago, but I have always continued to try to make things better and now they are worse. It is nice to be able to read other poeple's blogs who have been or are in similar situations. As hard as it is I feel good about this, I just need to stick to my decision.

First Avenue reopened!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004


I'm in a foul mood today, I woke up at 4 and didn't sleep. I need coffee, and to get a handle on my emotions. I am at the mercy of what I feel these days and I don't know what to do about it. It is cold and my skin is getting dry and flaky, I have to move during the worst time of the year. The holidays are coming up which means spending time with family and making awkward small talk that I hate. At least I get a good meal.

Friday, November 19, 2004

comfortable in my anxiety

that is what my therapist says I am, so she gave me a book "How to Start Conversations and Make Friends", that will help me get out of this comfort zone with my social anxiety. Now, I guess I don't feel that I'm that socially inept, I am capable of meeting people and having conversation, depending on what mood I am, how much energy I have and where I'm at and who I am with. I'm not completely frozen with fear all the time in social situations, but I am aware that I'm pretty self conscious. So I guess I am pretty comfortable with my anxiety, I play into the shy girl role cause I know that is what everyone assumes of me and to break out of that would require effort and risk, that people will like me or they won't, or they will like me now and not later. I'm so used to sitting back and observing that I don't hardly realize that I'm not saying anything, cause in my head I'm usually totally engaged (unless the conversation is completely boring), even if I don't verbalize it so I don't realize that I may be just a bump on a log to the others around me.

Well, enough about my issues, despite getting a really great parking spot today, I'm kinda bummed cause I keep wrecking my clothes in the wash, I ruined my favorite pants and I may have ruined a shirt I bought last night, I washed it cause I got it at the consignment shop, in the delicate cycle, let it air dry and put it on this morning and it has light brown spots on it, like it soaked up the dye from something else is what I was thinking perhaps. I took the clothes out not more than 10 minutes after they were done, so who knows. I soaked it in detergent and if that doesn't work I'll try oxy clean. I'm just mad I didn't even get to wear it yet.

Monday, November 15, 2004

unfinished assignments

I'm supposed to go to see my therapist in about an hour. I don't want to go, I don't know what to talk about and I didn't do my "assignment" which was to make more of an effort to connect with others, even if just a smile or a hello. I was supposed to do this with 3 people a day and journal about it, instead I thought about it sometimes when it looked like I may have had an opportunity, but didn't do anything about it, nor did I write about it. Oh well, at least it has been on my mind.

The alcohol from all the festivities is working its way out of my system. I have really had a great time the past few days and the wedding was lovely. I think I have just been so happy to have my good friends near that it increased my buzz, high on life and booze. I must say I can be pretty damn hilarious , I make myself laugh anyways. I just wish I didn't have to drink to be more myself, I don't always, but it certainly helps, and then there's always that risk I'll embarass myself.

Cassie, I miss you already, now that you have that swanky laptop I expect to get more pics from you (and emails)! Jenni, you were/are absolutely gorgeous and I hope you are having a great romantic time in Italy with your husband. Olivia we may not have love (of the romantic kind) but at least we have eachother and happy hour, although you have been getting more action than I, but that's nothing new.

I'm going to the mall of america again tonight to return something, this will be the fourth time this week, I'm starting to get pretty comfortable there. Just wish I had the money to shop to my hearts desire, I'm addicted now that I've started I don't want to stop.

Last night the beeping started again, I'm not sure where it's coming from exactly but I think the apartment across from me. So, because there is this loud beep every minute or so, and I already have a hard enough time sleeping I had a really restless night, I tried to turn on the TV so that I could kind of drown out the beeping and I fall asleep with the TV on all the time. It helped sort of but not really, I'm thinking about writing a note to the people across the hall. 1 1/2 months until I can move!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

the story of my life

which is money problems, grrrr, just when I thought my money issues were on the up and up, my dad calls me and babbles about if I can take over some of my student loan payments that he's been paying on. Sure, thinks I, now that I'm about at a place where I don't have to worry about starving myself for lack of grocery money, I'll just take on some more payments and be right back there. Granted, my oh so gracious father did take out a loan for me my senior year of college which allowed me to finish school, and helped me out here and there, but I have to admit that I feel some selfish bitterness cause it wasn't a huge loan and it seems most people's parents are more than happy to help their children through college. However apparently after talking we realized he was talking about a loan that I've already been paying on that he's the cosigner for, so there is just some overdue payments to catch up on and it should be allright. Still, I have to shell out a little more money than I had planned on to get the loan current, grrrr. It will be fine, if I could just get a darn part time job, I'm starting to feel quite rejected here that no one will hire me, not even target. Then I feel like this dissapointment to my dad who was dissapointed that I went to a private school, dissapointed in my major, and disappointed with what I've been doing since I graduated and I feel that I just confirm his dissapointments. He is helping me get the loan caught up though, he's not as bad a guy as I make him out to be I just have pent up resentment, but he's allright, and he's going to continue to pay on the loan as long as I keep up with the other one.

On a happy note, at least I'm a successful cookie maker, I brought in some chocolate chip cookies that I made last night and have gotten rave reviews.

Only a couple people have commented on my haircut and color, apparently it wasn't as much of a change as I thought. That's okay, its really about seeing Matt and admiring his pectorals, amongst other things.

The rest of this week is filled with festivity, tonight all "the girls" will be reunited, and we will have a slumber party. The rest of the week is all fun leading up to Jenni's wedding friday night. Jenni being married is a little weird, I think she just wants to get laid. Just kidding Jenni!, I suppose she's in love too, and I'm happy for her.

I've been thinking lately about my high school crush that I was obsessed with throughout most of college. Every once in a while I get an urge to call him up, I don't know if I still have his correct phone number but perhaps I'll stalk him again. Not that I really stalked him before, just showed up randomly at his aparment at odd hours and once threw rocks at his window. That is perfectly normal behavior, along with being obsessed about someone for a good 4-5 years that you barely know.

Friday, November 05, 2004


I didn't sleep well, I think due to the gutrot that I'm experiencing. It was probably the combination of the happy hour beer and potpie that I decided to consume at about 11 p.m., how I even managed to stay awake that late is beyond me. I also realized this morning that said potpie contained over 1000 calories and about 70 grams of fat, that's disgusting. Then I had a massive craving for milk and finally succumbed at 5 am, gulped down what remained in the fridge and I felt a little better, but I still feel as though things aren't digesting to the best of their ablility. I have decided against the blood type diet, apparently I would basically become a vegan, avoiding meat and dairy, I love dairy.

Can Jude Law be in any more movies, Alfie looks good and apparently I heart huckabees is supposed to be good too.

Today I have been distracting myself with reading up on first ave. Why I'm all the sudden obsessed with first ave. I don't know, except that I like it there and have good memories, and it was always a place to hear good music, not that I can afford to go to shows all the time, but first ave. would have comps and pretty reasonable ticket prices. From what I gathered there is a possiblity that it may open again in a few months.

I'm listening to the Cure cause of Olivia's great story about love cats. Great to have my buddy back in the cities. Thankfully she avoided getting killed last night when I ran that stopsign (accidentally of course) and narrowly missed getting hit. I'm still feeling a little bad about that.

69 was on my phone yesterday when it got its buttons pushed in my purse. Maybe it's trying to tell me something.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

what a bummer

What a bummer when your choice for Pres. loses by a few hundred thousand votes. At least MN had the right idea

What a bummer when First Ave. closes due to bankruptcy without any warning.

Olivia, I expect you at happy hour tomorrow at 5 p.m. sharp!!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

a big day

Not only is Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill on tonight, but we may have a new president, or not, how exciting. I admit that I'm part of the problem in the U.S. cause I am not into politics and do not inform myself about government systems, form much of an opinion, or find motivation to do something concrete to change what I don't agree with.
Reasons to Rejoice: thursday Olivia will be back in the states, Cassie will return on Sunday, and the quality time I have spent the past few weeks with my buddy Jenni before she becomes betrothed.
No matter what time I wake up I'm still late to work, I have tried to wake up earlier the past 2 days and was still late. I'm thinking about reading up on that new blood type diet, supposedly certain foods react differently with certain blood types so if you eat and avoid the correct foods you will feel more energized and lose or maintain an ideal weight. Maybe it will help me get to work on time too.

Friday, October 29, 2004

strangely warm

I walked out this morning expecting it to be cold as balls (Sarah texted me this morning that it was C.A.B, apparently in Mass.), but it is very warm, like upper 60's. Looks like its only for today. Like a true Minnesotan I must blog about the weather, it is just so strange and exciting, the weather that is.
I did not receive a $500 deposit to my bank account like my email said, it tricked me.
I just tried a carrot dipped in peanut butter for the first time, it was good, but not as good as apple and PB.
Today is friday which means Carolyn Hax will have online chat on the washington post website, I always look forward to this, at least as much as my teenage drama's, probably more cause she gives really good advice. I also may have my Job review today, monday for sure, my raise has already been approved so its just a matter of sitting there and receiving compliments. I feel a little bad about this cause I don't work as hard as I should, but the work I do do I do well at least. (that was a horrible sentence) We are also incredibly behind because of lack of staff, so I feel guilty about that too, just a little.
I, like my buddy Olivia, am an emo-drunk. This is a fairly common occurance amongst many I suppose, but the affects of alchohol never cease to amaze me. I usually become obnoxious and run my mouth off, often putting my foot in there too, but I can crack a good joke sometimes. Alchohol is a depressent, so after that initial buzz and good feelings I can feel a little down, or a lot down if something sets me off, then the next day it seems like I was way overemotional. Fortunately I have not, in the past year or so at least, put myself in situations where I just do something drunkenly foolish, I mean, I've been drunk, and probably was obnoxious and/or emotional, but haven't done something that I absolutely regret or would make me disgusted with myself the following morning, which I think most can relate to. So that is something to be thankful for.
I just ran across the last name Kenney, which reminds me of Kinney aka Curtis Kinney, my math for the 21st century prof. His name isn't really Curtis, it's Bill I think, but Sarah fuj.and I had the class together and would poke fun and call him Curtis, thinking about it makes me chuckle.
Fun new words from Fuj.: Wicked and Uber
People were yelling in the hallway of my apartment building last night which woke me, I was pissed, it was like 3 am, don't people have any courtesy? I can't wait to move!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

wicked cool tuesday!

this means One tree hill and Gilmore Girls will be on tonight! I hope Cassie appreciates that I've been taping the episodes while she's in Japan (except I missed the first 45 min. or so of GG last week cause Jenni and I were at happy hour).
I have shed my responsibility of the dreaded insurance calls portion of my job, hooray! The evil has been passed on to the unfortunate soul of Andrea, lets hope she fares better than I.
I love Elvis Costello, shout out to my man Elvis!
I spent a lovely weekend in Chicago for Jenni's bachelorette party, once again my introversion was confirmed. Spending the weekend with 8-10 girls for three days, only one of which I really know well and knows me well, was a bit draining. It was fun nonetheless. I enjoy sitting back and listening to others talk, I just don't like it when I'm thought of as timid, stupid, rude, snotty etc. because I don't say a lot, and I didn't feel that I was thought of that way with these girls, which was nice. I'm getting used to it though and am trying to learn to either be okay with it, or make a change if I don't like it, but whatever I do, it has to be because of me and not because I want to be more accepted by others, kind of like losing weight or whatever else. I was reading today about first impressions and how are brain will sum someone up in like nanoseconds and that snapshot is forever ingrained in our minds. This is disconcerting to me cause I'm pretty sure I don't make a first good impression, once in a blue moon, but most often I feel my insecurities are so apparent whether I want them to be or not. I am really constantly amazed at people who run their mouth off, I don't necessarily mean it negatively (it depends on who you are), but really that put themselves out there and don't seem to have a shred of self consciousness. I have to admit it is something I desire for myself, not necessarily the running of the mouth, but the lack of self consciousness, which leads to fear, which, well, leads to not living fully basically.
I applied to Target last night in the hopes of making extra cash, my quest for a part time job has thus far been futile, maybe this will pan out. If only I would have my job review that is like 2 months overdue and get my raise...
Back to the self consciousness and work, last week my manager asked me if I had been crying cause I had smudged mascara. Maybe like a couple three weeks ago I was all out crying at work so I'm sure she thinks I'm about to snap. Anyways, I had been crying, I don't remember why now, but it was so shocking to me that she asked me that, and not even privately but in the front of the office that I denied it, not that I really wanted to explain to her whatever reason I may have been crying. She is really great, the best manager I have had, but I'm a private person and people are really open and kind of nosy around here. I'm getting better at asserting that it isn't their business though, and try to appreciate their concern for me at the same time.
Cassie blessed me with a phone call yesterday morning, a pleasant monday surprise!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Shelter from the rain

I finally have my car windows fixed! Thank you Kevin. A good thing too cause it looks like rain this week.
Part of my job is calling insurance companies to get our services authorized, it is what I hate most. I have to sit on hold, and follow prompts which I usually screw up because I don't pay attention cause I'm on the web. I then spout off a bunch of information and whoever I talk to will give me a reference number, or I'll have to talk to a nurse or case manager. They sometimes ask me why we feel we had to do a homecare visit for a mom and baby when they could have gone to the clinic. Usually there really is no reason they couldn't go to the clinic so I have to try to be confident and convince them that we had to send a nurse out because of sore nipples. Really it is more than that, I mean they are a new mother and are tired and probably frustrated and their nipple's hurt and the last thing they want is to pack up their newborn and drag them to the clinic. Insurance companies don't care, and are usually snotty about it too.
I haven't done much with myself lately, except I went to a coworker's bachelorette party. I just stayed for dinner and gifts, I didn't go out dancing at the new spot downtown, mostly to save money. I found some cheap cute chairs at a thrift shop in St. Paul, that was the highlight of my weekend.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Cold as Balls, part 2

Especially when the car is lacking a window and plastic doesn't stick very well, I guess I have to use duct tape.
I went to see my friend Kahlil perform with his group, Everyday People, last night. I love hearing them, his songs are very spiritual and so uplifting along with just plain lovely, I get chills. He is just a great person as well. And I got a shot and a beer bought for me, what a great night!
I lack spirituality at present, but I try to keep my foot in the door as best I can right now. I also lack discipline, I don't know that things like spiritual connectedness just get handed to you on a platter, and I always have the nagging feeling I should be putting in more effort. I don't want my life to be excuses, and I know I make a lot of them.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

one with nature

I took the advice of my good friend Jenni and took an excursion to Taylor's Falls since I was jealous that she and her fiance had gotten to go camping and enjoy the beautiful (probably last) warm weekend of the year. Never having been to Taylor's Falls and also not usually one to venture off on my own outside a 10 mile radius, or go hiking for that matter, it was quite an adventure. Well, not really, but it was a really nice afternoon and the trees and river were beautiful. I managed to veer off the trail because I somehow failed to see the obvious way to go and decided to try an alternate route down the steep hill with many loose rocks that I saw some other people on. My buddies know that I'm a fearful person when it comes to anything that may remotely cause harm or death so I struggled my way down the hill, meanwhile passing a mom and her 5-6 year old daughter who was climbing the rocks like a pro, I felt a little sheepish, but I just kept thinking to myself "you are challenging yourself, facing your fear however small" After all that I stopped for some ice cream and then went shopping, what a natural high!

Friday, October 08, 2004

a sofa for me

Today is a good day, I will receive a used sofa from a gracious co worker. This sofa has been elusive, there have been several attempts to obtain this sofa but to no avail. Today I will triumph and it will be mine!
Tonight is also the St. Paul art crawl, and I miss Cassie cause she was my art crawl buddy, and now she is in Japan having all kinds of wonderful experiences (her boyfriend is also a "jack of all trades" sort of guy and patiently helps me with my plentiful car issues, including my broken window). (How's that for a lengthy parenthetical phrase Olivia!). Art crawls are great, there are free snacks and booze and silly looking people and people that make their profound comments and artists who make art, good and bad. Hopefully I can find someone handing out tequila shots, even better if my Bethel profs handed out tequila shots unfortunately that won't be happening thanks to said covenant statement.
Monday is Columbus day, which means the banks are closed, which means I stamped the wrong deposit date on the checks we got at work, and had to change all the dates. Why are we celebrating columbus anyway, he's supposed to be a real a-hole.
Eureka! I won the journals I bid on on ebay, lets hope they are as nice in real life as they look like online. oh happy day.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

suppressed rage

I walked out the door into the brisk autumn air this morning and was greeted by a pleasant surprise. Someone had kindly broken my car window last night, no, not the back one that was already shattered but still remains somewhat intact, this time it is the driver's side. Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to scrape out as much glass as I could I pondered why me. There are plenty of other cars parked along the street, newer models with likely something of actual value inside unlike my ride, which doesn't even have a working radio and is filled with trash. I also wondered if it was personal, if someone occasionally has a little fun with my car. In the past couple of years I have had an increased number of random incidents happen to my parked car, dents, side window knocked off and now this. It makes me angry, now I have to shell out money that I don't have for nothing, and I wonder if whoever did it feels anything, any remorse for my state, or are they pissed because they got nothing as well, not even some smokes. I used to leave my doors unlocked for this very reason, so that someone wouldn't break a window, but then some strung out guy decided to use my car for shelter and a possible bathroom and I started locking the doors.
I have to remember it is just a window, a couple pieces of glass, some time and money, others have lost far more than I ever have. At least its supposed to warm up the next couple days.

Monday, October 04, 2004


So much on ebay, so little money.

Anyone want to go to the cornmaze with me? Anyone? anyone? It's the funnest! Too bad my buddies are scattered all over the world right now, or else getting married. A maze of corn symbolizes so many things, complexity yet simplicity, growth, beginnings and endings, paths not chosen, fears, etc. It can be very inspiring.
Maybe that is what I should paint about, corn mazes. I have lacked inspiration lately, mostly because I am lazy and don't work because inspiration and good ideas do not just come and bite you in the rear, well sometimes I suppose. I have plenty of excuses for not painting, I wonder often if I have a deep passion for anything, I'm not sure, hopefully I just haven't tapped into it yet. I also have too many fears.
There I go obsessing over myself again, clearly I have too much time on my hands.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Cold as Balls

As my good friend Sarah would say and texted me this morning it is "cold as balls" here, after a time of unseasonably warm weather, we are going into a stretch of unseasonably cold weather. I am dreading winter more than ever before this year. Dark and cold does not work wonders for one's mood. So I "look forward" to things, trip to Chicago, my good friend's wedding that will also bring home a couple friends dear to my heart, the holidays, moving to a hopefully much better apartment with hopefully much better roomates. So those things will get me through, but I want to do more than get through. So I plod along, hoping to trip over myself one day and then I will "be known" by myself and have found my lifes passion and all will fall into place, be my authentic self as Dr. Phil would say.
I do love Dr. Phil, he makes me chuckle even if what he isn't some great enlightener, and he also is one of my distractions from my job, along with Carolyn Hax, ebay, and my new found love for blogs. We got an email a while back at work saying that employees spend 30 min. a day online and then it was like that times all the employees and how much they make in that half hour equaled a bajillion dollars of wasted company money. Makes me feel a little bad.

Thursday, September 30, 2004


I am supposed to attempt to focus on being comfortable with myself. This is a struggle for me because I obsess and fester over things, when I really just need to get over myself. If anyone has tips on letting things go please throw them my way. For example blogging seems fun, a way to connect with my friends and whatnot, but I set it up a few days ago and haven't posted til today because I was all worried and thought I would look like a dork, but I have calmed down now mostly because I realized no one is probably going to read this other than my few friends who already know I'm a dork and still seem to like me. My closest friends seem to all be either traveling and experiencing new places or reaching these milestones in life whereas I'm at a bit of a standstill, so the problem is probably that I have too much time on my hands.
Along with typing this I'm reading about Dr. Phil's show yesterday on add and adhd, which blends nicely with a meeting I went to today introducing a new medication we might use at work (I work for a homecare facility, in case anyone doesn't know or cares, and no, I'm not a nurse) that has been around for years to help prevent preterm delivery. Very interesting in fact because it got me to thinking about modern medicine, medications, side effects, what drugs are made of, how they really affect our bodies, how MD's prescribe them w/o much thought, or even knowledge of a patient cause I also read an article today about how patients are always seeing different doctors and also lying. As well as who volunteers, or gets volunteered to be the gunea pigs for testing drugs, like especially if you're pregnant. But anyways I would like to motivate myself to be more aware of natural rememdies, I picture the what are they called ...apothecary's or something, or medicine poeple out there gathering plants and berries and things and it just seems so pure and good.
So with that and the lecture I attended with my good friend Jenni, I have almost reached the threshold of intellectual stimulation for the week, since I'm out of school now and don't really use my brain.
I had hoped to figure out how to link to Dr. Phil's page without it looking like a link, but failed.