Thursday, March 31, 2005

it makes me sick

how much paper we waste in this office, we don't do ANY recycling, I think b/c of confidentiality, but we don't recycle the paper that doesn't have confidential info on it! Its disgusting!

if only I had some practical skill and/or sense of self confidence

I could find a job that I might enjoy or at least make more money doing. Oh well, its my own damn fault. At least I don't abhor my job. I'm in fact surprised that I haven't been canned, I show up a half hour late most days and surf the web far more than during my allotted break time.

I rescheduled my partylite party for tonight because 1 person could come last week, yes I have a lack of friends, so now 4 people can come tonight for sure. Its kind of weird having a partylite party, I usually think of middle aged women doing these types of things, like the women I work with, they have partylite, longanberger or whatever the hell, tastefully simple, etc. several times throughout the year. I'm hoping to drink too much wine and have someone go out to the RD with me afterwards, and get some discounted candles or candle type items out of the deal. Oh, and Jenny P. who I specifically scheduled the party last week for but then was pissed b/c she was in Jamaica, was actually NOT in Jamaica, she got back on wednesday, so she could have come but didn't even mention it! Whatever, clearly I'll never work a party around her schedule again. I get to leave early so thats a bonus, I need to clean and make food.

I think I really do have SAD, well I'm guessing most people have it to a degree, I mean, how can anyone go through months of cold and dark without getting somewhat depressed. I feel more energized these days, now if only I can put it to good use.

I take back my comment about white people with dreds, some can pull it off, there is a really cute woman at the school I volunteer at who has great dreds. It still doesn't mean my brother should have dreds, it is wrong.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

first of all

blogger is all messed up half the time, does anyone else have that problem?

Second of all it is always kinda scary to be woken up at almost 4 a.m. by some guy angrily screaming as he goes down the street. In the disorientation of sleep and beer it can conjure images of him coming up the porch and smashing your bedroom window in and taking his anger out on you in a violent way, like multiple stabbings.

I'm roasting

It is really hot in the office today, usually I'm cold. I wanted to eat my sandwich but a nurse just ambushed me with a benefit check. I just spilled water all over myself. I'm wearing maroon fishnet type stockings today and a black skirt, I also wore a skirt yesterday (its finally warm!), apparently that equals me "dressing up" according to Holly, so what I learned is that wearing nice pants (or slacks, I love that word) is not dressing up. My shirt is too tight, I hate that I get fat in my middle area, it can be hard to hide unless you wear loose shirts all the time, probably why I wear so many sweaters. Why did I buy a too tight shirt you ask? I'm not really sure, all I remember is that I got it at Marshalls or TJ Maxx or someplace like that so they probably didn't have it in a bigger size and I at the time thought it looked okay, now I just feel like my fat roll is bulging out. I swear this is the only thing about my body that I'm really unsatisfied about, for now anyways.... And why are you wearing the shirt if you feel it is too tight and making you uncomfortable you ask?? Because contrary to the opinion of some (or one), I don't spend a lot of money on clothes, therefore my wardrobe lacks. I also usually try to shop at secondhand stores, so I often wear clothes that don't fit quite right because it cost me less than five dollars. Probably not real flattering but I can pretend its just my style.

My goal is to jog this weekend around some nearby lake, highly doubtful that I will maintain a jog w/o walking considering my winter of inactivity, and amount of smoking, but I can at least see where I'm at. Running used to be highly embarassing for me in HS, I would almost pass out after running the mile and have the worst time (as in minutes), so knowing that I can work my way up to steady jogging for at least 3 miles makes me proud of myself. I know its not a marathon by any means but still an accomplishment for me.

I spilled on myself again.

As Olivia so figuratively put it yesterday, springtime turns me (and her) into "a puddle of nostalgia" and the fall too. We pondered if you live in a steady year round climate if you have less memories, 'cause these damn season changes sure invoke the memories. We thought maybe that is why people in CA are happy and healthy, besides year round warmth and sun, maybe they don't want for the past as much. I guess I'll find out once I get a beach house and lay out in the sun all day. I don't even know if people in CA are happy, they do have all that pressure to be beautiful and wealthy.

Olivia and I visited Sarah and baby Coby. I'm not a real baby person, but he really is cute, he's allright by me. I appreciate Sarah's realness about the whole motherhood thing, it is enlightening.

I was out with Jenni, SALLY, Todd and Olivia last night. Jenni and I got along just fine, even though she didn't apologize to me, well, I suppose she sort of did, ahem. Sally shared some of her wonderful journal writing with me, my ears were blessed by her honest words. All in all a lovely time, now that it is spring there is more motivation to be out and about, so although not as good for my pocket or my health perhaps, better for having more fun and just maybe a little drama.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

warm as balls

It is going to be in the upper 60's today. I need to find a cheap used bike to join Olivia in biking adventures and start jogging again.

Monday, March 28, 2005


I spent the whole weekend at "home", I haven't spent that much time at home in several months I think. I caught up with Brenda and Joe, friends from high school that got married and had kids, and continue to live in Owatonna. Joe stayed at home with the kids while Brenda and I grabbed a bite. Other than Jenny P., Brenda was my closest friend back then, she is a truly good person and friend. It is always strange to hear about old friends and acquantainces, having kids, who they married, most of them haven't left Owatonna. I had kinda thought about looking up the guy I had an obsessive crush on for like five years, but I didn't, I just hoped to run into him. Sat. I went to Perkins, my feeble replacement for a coffee shop since they don't have such things in Owatonna. Perkins was also the place to hang out as a youth, late at night when I worked at McDonald's, after we closed the restaurant, where my infatuation with Dan M. blossomed. I remember when we stole a bunch of hashbrown wrappers when they had disney trivia and got in trouble cause the Perkin's waitress called our managers. Ryan (Jenny's ex-husband) took all the blame for it, what a guy. Oh, and I just remembered Nick Higgens, he was seriously attractive. Growing up I was Jenny's sidekick, she was the cute outgoing one and I was her quiet best friend that didn't get in the way of her getting all the attention. I love Jenny P. to pieces, but I'm glad we went our separate ways for college, we had considered going to the same school and even being roomates, I can only imagine how that would have stunted my personal growth. I remember Jenny getting so jealous of Brenda (she's gorgeous) and me being caught in the middle when they'd fight as if it was Brenda's fault that she's pretty and fun to be around. In high school I learned to accept being chubby and homely and to endure being passed over by most guys for my more attractive friends, something I still assume to this day even though I'm no longer chubby, and men do find me attractive (although usually weird one's). If you think I'm shy now, you should have known me back then, I strived to be invisible. Except when I was chosen to do the "orchestra drawing" and got to stand up on stage and show people I can draw, that was fun.

Anyways, some random little memories about growing up in the fine city of Owatonna. I dropped off my ex roomates things (someone I also went to HS with, who moved back home with her parents). It was pretty uneventful, I went, dropped the stuff off, we wished eachother well and I left. The rest of the day was spent vegetating at my mom's, getting annoyed at my brother for hogging the remote and for having nasty dredlocks. He was popping zinc lozenges like no one's business, one right after another, I don't know if you can ingest a dangerous amount of zinc, but if you can I'm sure he did. He also said listening to underground hip hop is trendy, who fucking cares, anything becomes trendy at some point, if you like it, listen to it for F sake. I could go off on that but I will restrain myself. I also got jealous of Jenni somehow getting to go to see Elvis Costello, and loved my mom's cat. There was also a decent pair of jeans that I snatched for myself laying on the bedroom floor.

Easter sunday consisted of awkward attempts at communicating with my father, my grandpa asking me if I had a boyfriend, me saying no, and he insisting that I must be kidding. Nope, I'm afraid I don't. At least I didn't have to convince him that I do in fact eat plenty this holiday. He was also appalled that I didn't go to church that morning, I didn't even attempt to explain to him that I go to church in the evening. Barb, my stepmom, is remodeling my old room in a sheep theme, I like Barb a lot, but the country decor around there is overwhelming to say the least.


Jenny P and myself

Friday, March 25, 2005

more of my work

These are some paintings I did in school for a series on children, urban and suburban. It was kind of a study on differences and similarities btwn children in those different environments. I don't know how much I learned about the subject since it wasn't extensive, but I did have some interesting experiences and something I would like to explore further in the future. One painter that I admire is Alice Neel, she does mostly portrait painting which is what I like to do as well. I get pleased and excited when someone sits for me and I come out with a painting that first looks like them and hopefully says something about their inner workings.

I had an eye exam yesterday (not for the hydrochloric acid scare, my eye feels fine now), but to get a new pair of glasses. It was the coolest thing because I went to this tiny office downtown next to a psychic, and the doctor had to be in his sixties, who was very kind. The equipment he had looked like it was as old as he was, there wasn't the little machine you look into or one of those flipping lenses things, he had a big box with a bunch of lenses in columns that he would drop into the slot in whatever that thing you look through is called. I imagine he just was comfortable with his way of doing things and had no need for the new technology, and he was pretty efficient and definately knowledgeable. I loved it cause I love that old shit, my mom has always been very into antiques, she will find the weirdest little knick knacks and just be creative with them, which I appreciate much more now than when I was a kid. Not to mention my love for the Village of Yesteryear located in my lovely hometown of Owatonna, MN. Its a bunch of old buildings set up like they would have been back in the late 1800's or so I think?. Always necessary to explore during the county fair. I like imagining life back in the olden days, so I felt kind like I got to step back in time a little yesterday. And he was really excited to tell me about the dog that hangs out there chewing on his bone.

Originally uploaded by snielson.


girl at school

Thursday, March 24, 2005

picture happy

Since I have finally been successful at uploading my pics, I went a little nuts, but that was last week St. Patty's day and also Jenni's birthday.

Sally and me

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


I think I got hydrochloric acid in my eye when cleaning last night, just in the corner, not the cornea, and it just felt a little funny last night and today. I have no idea if it was hydrochloric acid, I just read that was in the toilet bowl cleaner which got on my hands. Or I could just be paranoid.

working hard or hardly working

I've been busting my hump here at work, well, not exactly, but I have to step up my antepartum duties while Sandy is on vacation and I don't have near the knowledge she does, nor did she have time to share some of her knowledge with me before she left. In any case I think I'm doing a mighty fine job if I do say so myself at figuring things out. One would never know however, since all we do around here is talk behind backs, myself included. I need more discipline in that area, but such satisfaction can be derived sometimes by throwing some sarcasm around or pointing out annoyances of friend or coworker to another understanding friend or coworker instead of just saying it to the person's face. I fear the reaction of the other person or want to avoid the awkwardness of a possible conflict. Some folks get good at being tactful, yet straightforward, some straightforward but not tactful. Throw in the skewed perspectives of all involved and who knows what can happen. Such as the other night, Jenni and I were at the RD (red dragon, the local friendly dive) enjoying a pitcher, having pleasant conversation, and she said something that I don't think was meant to be offensive, but b/c I'm sensitive and am somewhat f-ed up I get offended. And since I was less guarded with my tongue after three or four beers I in turn offended her. I think I rectified it by singing wind beneath my wings to her and apologizing. My point is that it sucks that it can be difficult to talk about problems or concerns constructively, or maybe its just me that sucks.

I also have to be honest with myself about how many excuses I make for myself or my dissatisfaction with my life, or even if I'm really that dissatisfied or if I have to live in a state of some dissatisfaction so I can feel sorry for myself and use that as another excuse. When do you accept your limitations to the point where they stop holding you back and you figure out how to work with them, the "in your weakness you will find strength" bit.

I'm having a partylite party tomorrow, I don't think anyone is coming cause I scheduled it the thurs. before easter, and people go out of town. I did that b/c Jenny P. told me she could come cause she is on spring break, but failed to remember and remind me that she was going to be in Jamaica this week. Well, I guess for sure three poeple are coming and I made Olivia promise to be there.

My mom is funny, I overdrew my account because I was 2 minutes late in getting my check in for yesterdays business, so I borrowed some money from her and she said I didn't have to pay her back if I give her a ride home from the airport. She was going to take a cab all the way to Faribault from the airport (about 45 min.) I feel bad that she didn't think to just ask me in the first place, cause she's my mom and she helps me, and its no problem for me. I hope she doesn't think its a bother or that I just don't care, which may be the case.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

need I say more


I will be seeing him live in concert, sometime in Sept. thanks to Jenni and Todd. Thanks guys!! Jenni I love you and I'm sorry if I offended you last night!, and I don't only love you b/c your husb. got me U2 tickets, and I love you too Todd!, and not only b/c you got me U2 tickets.

I'm not rejected

My dad just called and said they were having dinner at their house on sunday. I'm hoping to hook up with my high school buddies who are in the family way while I'm home as well.

I would like to say that I do have goals, a plan somewhat for the near future. I want to do Americorps and I want to do it out east, hopefully Philly. Since you make less than $1000/month doing americorps, I want to have as few bills as possible, requiring me to pay off my credit card debt, which I think I can do in the next year. I also have to find a program, apply and be accepted, which I've sort of looked into but not real thoroughly. So, no I do not plan to be working at OB homecare the rest of my life, nor do I want to move somewhere and do a similar job just to pay the bills. I hope to get experience working in an area I'm interested in, preferably art related, and the bonus of getting money back toward my student loans.

Monday, March 21, 2005


I just signed up for netflix, they have all four seasons of Felicity. Olivia thinks she hates TV, but I know she will succumb to the charms of Felicity. I'm so excited.

I went to a tastefully simple party yesterday and ate a lot, then went to church and ate lots of cake. I feel a bit large today. Finally springlike temps have arrived, well, it was about 30 degrees this morning and I didn't need to wear my coat. A good thing since the heat stopped working in my car the other day. I could in theory go for a jog to combat my fat intake from the weekend, I'm pretty sure that will not happen.

My family has not called me about plans for Easter, I think they may be rejecting me this year. Oh well, at least I have Jesus.

My ex-roomate didn't call me, but if I go home this weekend I will likely drop off her stuff.

Friday, March 18, 2005

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

with all the snow right now. I want a big slice of cheesecake.

Why is LP running all over the office? All the nurses that work here are referred to by their initials to make it easier to schedule and whatnot.

I looked up about color changes in animals. This is what I learned on this site

"The color changes in all of these animals are, for the most part, the result of changes in certain star-shaped pigment-bearing cells in the skin, called chromatophores. Different ones contain granules of black, yellow, orange or red pigment. In a dark-colored animal, for example, the chromatophores with black pigment have the granules scattered throughout the cell. When the skin fades these granules become concentrated into a microscopic dot, leaving the remainder of the cell colorless. This exposes chromatophores with other colors. Still deeper in the skin are glistening silvery cells that reflect light like a mirror. The control of these color changes involves the retina of the eye, nervous system, the hormones in the blood, and so forth. The story becomes very complicated."

I feel

gross cause I ate some bad fried fish and mashed potatoes for lunch that cost way too much. Tired and sore cause I went to O'Gara's for Jenni's birthday/St. Patty's day and it was really crowded so my feet hurt and I think I was tense trying to avoid touching people, I was home by eleven, so I don't know why I'm so tired other than I'm introverted and had my energy sucked.
I had a good time though after I got over my distaste at being in a crowded Irish pub on St. Patty's day.

Cassie, I tried to post comments but they aren't showing. What the heck is that creature?? That isn't the Walrus is it?? It is an odd looking thing.
I wish to see a giant octopus someday (and a walrus). Octopuses can change color, I don't know how an animal can do that, how does the skin or whatever sense the color and change?? Maybe I will ask Jeeves.

I will likely see my former roomate this weekend cause she will be in the cities and I have some of her things to return to her. I don't hate her, but nor am I fond of her and I haven't seen her in almost a year so it may be interesting, she may want to talk about things and reconcile. That may be good, but I don't really feel up to it, cause her explanations didn't cut it for me. So, along with the forgiveness theme, I know I need to forgive her, but I still feel angry almost a year later. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

personalized plates

I saw two of them today, one that said GOOBER, the other was TOTAL B. Fuj used to have one, FUJ97, hehe.

Okay, we think the guy that moved in upstairs is a little strange, he makes goofy comments when he see's us like, "you look like you've been walking in the snow for days!" And then when I had insomnia last night from too much happy hour beer and went to get some milk, he had written a note in response to Olivia's request that whoever was doing laundry to not do it late because the dryer buzzes like five times. The note said something along the lines of the charming beauty needing her beauty sleep, something about drinking before bed to drown out the bells, signed the bellringer, with a P.S. about some song by Patti LaBelle with ding aling aling. It was too much to comprehend at 3 a.m., but we had a good chuckle about it this morning.

Jenni and I were at the Red Dragon yesterday afternoon and this woman proceeded to chat drunkenly about her cats then introduced the guy she was with (probably in his 50's) as so and so, her best friend and he's a virgin. I'm not sure if he minded being introduced as that, but she mentioned it like five times. It was just funny to me that the poor guy's identity was the virgin, he had a good sense of humor about it though.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

stupid popups

since when did all these popups pop up when you get on to blogger??

I'm jealous of Cassie because she got to pet a walrus and have it suck her hand.

I'm hungry still

I have no motivation to work, maybe some outkast is in order.

you make me wanna la la

I got my hair cut yesterday and it was very Ashlee Simpson the way he cut and styled it, I must say I do have a schnoz rivaling hers so it probably suits me. For those who insist that I don't have a big nose, I do, and I'm ok with it, really. Thanks to women such as Ashlee and Sarah Jessica and Meryl Streep? etc., not having a cute little nose does not necessarily make a woman less attractive. Nor do I mind my ten to fifteen gray hairs, its not like I'm turning prematurely gray, my hairdresser seemed shocked that I didn't care.

This past weekend I was talking to Cassie and we touched briefly on the subject of forgiveness. We pondered how much to forgive if it is a ongoing issue with the other person, or if forgiving or making excuses for the behavior just encourages the behavior. Do we need to feel that the other person is sorry, or understands the depth of their offense before we forgive?? I don't think so. Obviously forgiving can't be forced, so how do you get to that point when you've been burned pretty bad? I usually feel after a certain amount of time it becomes a moot point, like you just grow to not care in the same way that you did before and its water under the bridge, but that isn't always the case, especially with family or friends that you have been really close to, then the hurt becomes less understandable maybe, like how could so and so possibly do this to me if they cared at all about me. But, it happens, and the hard part is assesing how much more to invest in the relationship.

Anyways, also since Easter is coming up sin and grace become a more prominent theme. Jesus on the cross, having unconditional love and grace, being tortured because of our sin. Nothing that is easy to wrap your head around. In fact, I can't focus enough on the subject right now to ponder it at all.

Speaking of forgiveness, I hope to be forgiven for wanting to get intoxicated on thursday, I think I get intoxicated in moderation so it should be okay.

Friday, March 11, 2005

polar vortex

That is what is keeping the springtime temps at bay, the polar vortex.

I have a hard time accepting that someone would rather not have me in their life, that they can fathom increased happiness without my presence. There have been a couple people in my life that I consider (or had considered) friends that purposefully have cut me out of their life, this past year in fact. Neither one of which really was a positive addition to my life, so it shouldn't matter, and in the end it doesn't, I can't control anyone. In the one case I did nothing deserving that or care much for that matter, and the other case was, well complex. Its not like I'm a heinous bitch or anything, I think I'm quite a decent friend for the most part, minus my sarcasm and occasional emotional outbursts. It is sad to me that you can achieve certain level of intimacy, invested time into something and it can be dismissed just like that, and I get a bad case of nostalgia from time to time that doesn't help for getting over it. It is a polar vortex of the heart. Ah well, maybe I just have to have more tumultuous relationships to develop a thicker skin.

It's like a blizzard out right now. Good night to cozy up with some flicks and california rolls, unless I can convince someone to drive to uptown to have a beer with me, I really want to get a beer tonight.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

wide open

I got my fancy dancing fix last night, and we also played the Karoake game. The two (Jenny P.) of us were hysterically disasterous at singing “Under Pressure”, and “Burn” by Usher. Usher’s right though, sometimes you just gotta let it burn.

I almost forgot how great the album Instant Vintage is by Raphael Saadiq. I went out a couple times with a guy last year that looks quite a bit like Raphael Saadiq, especially with the skirt. He was an interesting and intelligent guy, but a little too strange for me, he played dungeons and dragons for F sake, not to mention the erotic dancing and S&M. Gotta love the people you meet in Uptown, people who will recite you a poem about the first time they had sex in the bathroom of the mental hospital.

Apparently U2 is coming to town, people at work keep letting me know. There was an incident this past summer involving a pre-wedding party with co-workers, keg beer and U2’s greatest hits. Lets just say your’s truly broke out the air guitar, and my state of foolishness was documented and displayed in a collage that is posted at my desk. Said foolishness is natural with my close buddies, no big deal, but my co-workers who rarely get a glimpse of that side of me will now forever refer to me as Bono. Maybe someone at work will buy me tickets.

I finally must succumb to thong underwear. It’s either wear baggy pants, tone up my arse, or wear the thong undies. I don’t mind a little pantyline, however not only is there pantyline, but its like my underwear cutting into the middle of my buttcheek causing it to bulge out the side. Perhaps I’ve gained weight or am wearing too small of undies. I’m feeling rather embarrassed since I just noticed how bad it was, what about all the months or years prior!! Its like having a booger or spinach in your teeth. I’ve been known to be slow to catch on to my own fashion faux paus however, so maybe its just become an endearing trait. I’m surprised I don’t still wing my hair and have poofy bangs. I'm not opposed to thong underwear either, I just don't usually buy or wear it.

If this post shows up twice I'm gonna be peeved. Ignore the earlier similar post, this one is better written.

testing one two three

Blogger is acting weird, i just tried to post and it didn't go through so I'm testing before I try again....

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I got nothin'

to blog about today really.

I finished Napolean Dynamite last night, I knew a guy in high school who totally reminds me of him, confirmed by Jenny P. The scene where he takes the job on the farm and is in the chicken house is exactly what my chore was as a kid, picking eggs with thousands of chickens shoved into little cages. I used to sing and thought I was really good, but really I just couldn't hear myself over all the clucking. Funny movie.

I'm on hold with an insurance company, so inspiring. I want nurses to get out of my face and and leave me alone. You. are. bugging. me. First of all, don't expect me to drop whatever I'm doing and get right on whatever task you need me to do. Second of all, do what you are supposed to do yourself without trying to pass it off on me. I'm busy reading blogs for F sake.

Tonight I hope to Fancy dance, a.k.a. Dance Dance Revolution, man I need to get me a playstation.

Anyone want to go to first ave. tomorrow for some Salsa dancing?? I'm in the mood, I might go by my lonesome, I think Pete still works there, so I can chat with him if I feel bored or pathetic. It's so freaking cold though, I don't want to check my coat, but its too cold to go without.

I started a thread on a forum for this new MPR radio station, then I felt insulted by music snobs cause I made an f-ing suggestion. Oh sorry, I forgot I'm not as cool as you, I'll crawl back into my hole where I belong.

One of these days, I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter, to all the good friends I've known. And I'm gonna try, to thank them all for the goods times together, though so apart we've grown.
-Neil Young

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Sarah had her babe, a boy, healthy and cute.

I'm realizing that I'm getting old, well, I'll be turning 26 in a couple months, but things just aren't as carefree anymore, my friends are getting married and having babies, they can't just be spontaneous anymore, they have other priorities over hitting happy hour, dancing, seeing a show. I have friends from high school that just stayed in my hometown and got married and had kids, but we were already growing apart by that time, and we still keep in touch, but my friends I have now I hope to be close to for years to come. So it hits a little closer to home as the years go by and milestones happen, its time to really grow up, whether its chosen or just how things go. I don't want to grow up yet, I guess I still have time, but I don't like the pressure.

I got some new cd's, Angie Stone, N.E.R.D., garden state soundtrack, Archer Prewitt, and Raphael Saadiq (I had lost that one so I had to buy another). I'm excited to have some new stuff to listen to. Culture is very attractive, having it, a lot of caucasion folk don't have a lot of culture, unless your roots are mostly Irish, scandanavian, english, etc, and you keep up with some of those traditions or food or whatever. Not that I feel unfortunate to be american and white and without much real struggle, but there is something appealing to being apart of something more, I don't know, connected maybe, having common experience like there seems to be in other cultures, that brings people together. Maybe my niche is not really belonging, I've never much "belonged" throughout my life.

I read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You", at Barnes while I was waiting for my car to be fixed. According to the book, I had to face the reality that nobody that I wanted to be "into me" has been, even a little bit. The guys that have been "into me" ( not a whole lot, but a couple here and there), I have not found attractive. I guess its pretty obvious, if there was mutual "into-ness" I'd probably be married or in love or something. Oh well. I'm supposed to "not waste the pretty"

my mind is all over the map today, I need a snack, my lunch just didn't cut it. When's it gonna get warm?

Friday, March 04, 2005

work ethic

I wish I had inhereted my father's work ethic. I'm basically a lazy s.o.b. I grew up on a farm in southern MN, my dad mostly raised beef cattle, for a time chickens, collected a couple, three horses and burros, lately he's been chucking the cattle for sheep. In any case, before he retired he worked full time (or more) as a surveyor and also ran the farm. My parents split when I was around 8, and we stayed with my dad so he also was the main caregiver to me and my brother (my sisters, more than a decade older than me, had moved out already). My brother helped out with chores, but I think he gave up on me being a major help pretty early on. Our house was a disaster until he got remarried, I didn't do much to help clean, and I was assigned simple farm tasks like picking eggs or giving the horses hay. I wasn't too keen on the whole farm scene really, I enjoyed the horses for a couple weeks before I got thrown. I liked the animals when I was smaller, but as I grew I realized I should not pursue that vet career cause I really don't like animals that much. I was in (forced) 4-H, but grew to dislike it, and would lie to my dad about the amount of preparation I did for the county fair. Since I'm fairly smart I made it through school, but if I would have put forth effort I could have done much better, probably would have graduated with honor's, instead of a low B average, gotten scholarships, whatever. I think since I was the youngest I just got away with bare minimum, my sisters would complain about having to do so much more when they were my age. Meanwhile my dad is working something like 14 hour days, not sitting at a desk either, physical labor. He, like many of his generation I'm sure, is the product of farming though, farming without all the technology there is now, farming through the depression. There is hardiness there, getting up at five, working 'til after dusk, working out in the subzero and the humid heat, injuries and fixing broken equipment, finding escaped animals, etc. etc. I lazed about watching TV, playing video games and barbie, playing all day with friends. I'm still lazy and messy, and I still shun work for playing with friends. I'm jealous of people with work ethic, who set goals and get stuff done.

I feel disoriented today, maybe cuz I was forced to sit at the front desk instead of my hole, and I haven't been able to print. I've been an ebay junkie lately. I'm thinking about going to see a band tonight of people that I went to high school and church with, but then I run the risk of seeing people from high school that I either don't care to run into, or will be forced to make awkward small talk with people that I was never really friends with, but since we used to be in youth group together we have to act like we have some connection, or maybe we had a connection that has since been lost. My ex roomate might be there that I still have ill feelings toward so that is another deterrant, I guess I'll see what I feel like, I may just stop by briefly.

Oh, and my memories post was probably inspired by Stephanie Klein's blog, greek tragedy, her's is one of my favorites and I like her writing style so I think I might kind of try to imitate it sometimes, even if its subconcious. Just to give credit where due.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

odds and ends

Thanks Cassie, for emailing me those pics, hope you don't mind me posting them on here. I didn't think you would.

I seriously need some technology.

I can't write much cause today is close and we are supposed to be furiously typing.

I lost my mitten last night when I was tipsy, I hate not being totally bundled up before going out in the cold, my hands were very cold this morning. I have three movies, Zelig, that I was supposed to return to the library yesterday, I have only watched half so far, coffee and cigarettes, also only seen maybe half, and napolean dynamite that I haven't seen at all, those are both due today back at Hollywood. I don't want to pay again for the movies, but I hate returning them unwatched. I need to watch Napolean Dynamite cause I haven't seen it and everyone is always referencing it and laughing about it. I would just watch them after I'm done with work and return them later, but I can't stay awake for movies, even if someone had a gun to my head I don't think I could stay awake past nine watching a movie. Maybe I'll finish watching Zelig and Coffee and Cigarettes, return them and keep Napolean Dynamite. I should get Netflix.

I also need to find the right brake fluid, and try to find my lost mitten, and get mustard, and I want to make brownies.

November 2004i 012.jpg

Kevin, Cassie, Olivia and myself at Dubliners (I think)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

my cool as shit (and can I mention hot) friends

I'm not a lesbian, but I think my friends are pretty hot.

I love my buds, they all fill a unique role in my life, and they just are excellent folks. These are my closest friends (with the exception of Jenny P., I don't have a pic. of her right now). I have the best memories with these gals, freshmen year with Fuj., dominican republic with "the girls", Olivia and I living in NE just a couple blocks from Cassie and Sarah, near Bobby at the Stop and Go. Monday nights at Nikki's with Lester, salsa dancing, sleepover's, hungover breakfasts and movies. Christmas craft night, "trophy winner, chicken dinner", Olivia winning the guzzling premium with no hands contest, and Cassie telling Jenni to fuck off (Sorry Jenni, its funny now, right??). Burning pizza at 5 a.m. Fuj and I pissing Abby off at 2 a.m. singing "majesty". Deep Ellum, Texas with Neil Diamond and Queen cover bands. The 311 club. News years eve at Margaritas, going to margarita's every wed. night, and seeing Manny in his cowboy gear. Sweaty afternoons on the sidewalk outside of Moose and Sadie's. Papa Jack's, depeche mode, and presidente. Skinny dipping on the 4th of July. Smoking and drinking with Patsy in the bathroom. Vomiting on the porch of the frat house on my 21st birthday with Fuj and Erica, and people saying that was gross. Watching the NADS infomercial with fuj, drinking ghetto juice. Stalking Dan McQuire, throwing rocks at his window. Trying to smoke pot out of some elephant bone pipe. First ave. and the "capoeira" house with master Yoji spreading grass seed at 3 a.m., no longer obsessed with women, now obsessed with his lawn. Flying to NYC for a day to visit that crazy Macedonian, his ex-wife and her new french husband. Cassie's graduation party, her leaving for Japan. Olivia's gradution, Jenni's wedding.

Just a few of my wonderful memories with these girls, with more to come, especially with Sarah having a baby any minute now. I'll be corny and uncharacteristically express my feelings by saying I love you guys and appreciate you.

I'd put more pics with myself up but most of these (except the one of Cassie in Japan) were taken like three years ago when I was fat, and I didn't feel like putting them up. So there.


Another blurry pic of Sarah C. and Olivia at our old place in NE.


Vanessa and Sarah (fuj) looking puzzled


Olivia doing what she does best, talking and holding a dog in her lap.


Cassie in Japan looking hot!