Friday, December 31, 2004


Well, the move is going allright so far. It was really icy yesterday and I was a little worried about moving the big furniture but my muscley stepbrother and dad got it done unscathed. Then it warmed up to springlike temps and was a beautiful evening, so I walked to the store bought me a pizza and drank the one beer I had, sat on the porch and smoked, it was excellent. I felt very pleased. So just have the odds and end, cleaning and such to take care of then all the unpacking.

I need to work on assertiveness. Our landlord has some of his things stored in my room and hasn't moved it yet. Olivia and I had to work ourselves up to get the courage to ask if we could move the twin bed out so I can fit mine in, but all his stuff is still in the closet, making it difficult for me to unpack. In explaining the sitch to my coworker she reminded me that even though he is kind enough to let us move in early, that if he wasn't going to have the room ready he should have said so and so I shouldn't feel bad about asking him to move his shit out. She is quite right, she needs to be my advocate.

We all wore our shirts to work today, the one's we got for Christmas and didn't like. My shirt actually got some compliments, but most agreed it just wasn't me, and it doesn't fit me anyway. It's definately more my sister's style, I can at least tell her I put it on and people liked it, hopefully she will feel better.

Well, I don't have much planned for new years, probably stay at home and drink champaigne, and unpack, or maybe go to the turf club. I'm tired from moving so relaxing sounds nice.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

moving days

I move at least once a year, sometimes twice. I didn't want to move into the apartment that I'm currently in, but lost the coin toss, and have had some drama there this past year, so I'm am the most excited to move than I have ever been. I don't care that it is cold and drizzly, and that I have to pack my boxes again and move all my shit, I just want to get settled and get our place pimpin', which I don't think will truly happen until I can get the cash to get a playstation 2 and dance dance revolution. Although now that Olivia is kinda dating a former Abercrombie model, the bathroom situation might be a little awkward (it's attached to one of the bedrooms, so whoever is in that room sacrifices a little privacy), but we did talk about putting the cowboy hat on the door, we will work something out, I don't want to cramp anyone's style.

Okay, I don't know what's going on at work, but people are being especially nice to me. Everyone is usually very nice, but someone seems to think I make awesome coffee, although I just make it how I was shown, this same person complimented me this morning about how I'm great at my job. Maybe it is my brightly colored sweater. We are short staffed today, but I had already arranged to take off early to move, so ha! One of my other coworkers got me a christmas gift that I won't get til friday. I didn't even give anyone cards. Well, I guess I'm just so charming people can't help but shower me with gifts and compliments.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


I used to work out quite regularly, and after spending my whole existence as chubby, plump, or husky as I was once referred to, I dropped about thirty pounds and was/am happy with my weight. I surprisingly haven't gained anything back, considering I stopped working out as regularly over time, and no longer care as much about what I eat, but I do feel flabby. At that time I felt strong, like I had some muscle tone, but that is no more. I would like to feel healthy again, I joined the gym at work, but it is lacking in equipment and classes.

I also learned you can change what you look like on the outside, drop some weight, get a funky haircut, new clothes, whatever and still not be right with yourself. I had guy friends that I used to have crushes on, but I was always the smart funny girl that's good to have around for stimulating conversation or to ask advice on the friends that they were dating or wanted to date, but they didn't see me as more than a good friend. Now I totally get affirmed by them, but then I wonder why my personality wasn't enough, and that feeling of rejection seems to be taking a long time to get over, because I still am under the impression that I am not noticeable or attractive, or can hold someone's attention, clearly it holds me back, relationally, creatively, and I keep thinking something external is going to change me.

Last night I finished A Million Little Pieces, and I highly recommend it, it was both encouraging and sad and extremely personal and well written.

Friday those of us at the office that received clothing that we aren't too fond of for christmas are going to wear them, at least give the clothes a fighting chance.

Monday, December 27, 2004

I like my room hot

I think it was about 10 degrees in the room I slept in at my mom's house, it was frigid cold. I kept waking up periodically and wanted to go downstairs where it was slightly warmer but I had to finish crocheting a hat for my mom and she was downstairs.
Usually I spend christmas eve with my mom and christmas day with my dad, but this year it was reversed and christmas eve consisted of all of my stepmother's family crowding into their small house, eating dumplings and sauerkraut, butchering carols, and exchanging white elephant gifts, and playing catch phrase, I barely knew anyone there. My poor grandpa is in his 80's and has pnuemonia, and my dad is screaming at him cause he's hard of hearing, although I speak pretty softly and he understood me fine when I projected just a little more. Whatever.
I in fact didn't get any normal food, stuffing or potatoes or turkey, etc. My mom took us out to an Indian restaurant on christmas then we saw the Aviator. I feel bad cause I told my sister that I didn't like the shirt she bought me and I know she takes things like that very personally.

I had a horrible dream that I was in Morocco with my family and me and my sisters were at this carnival type thing, my sister had her baby with her and put her in an elephant coat to get ready to go. The three of us left the baby on a table for a minute to get something and when we came back she was gone, so the rest of my dream consisted of me running around and asking people if they'd seen a baby in an elephant suit, and crying. Very strange.

I don't want to be at work today, I'm tired and I drank and smoked too much last night. But I left a small jug of milk in my car which made it luciously cold, I find that there is nothing more satisfying when one has a hangover then a nice cold glass of milk, mmmmm. This week is moving week!!!! I'm incredibly excited about this, I need to get out of my hole of hell, it's not that bad I guess, at least its hot, but I really need a fresh start, too much bad karma in that place. I recommend that no one move into an apartment building where there was a murder (a few years ago, but still...)

Friday, December 24, 2004

the reason for the season

Much to my surprise, my dad insisted on putting a new battery in my car, which required him to drive about an hour to my apartment and spend a couple hours in the subzero trying to get my car working. I'm still not sure why he did this, I had a ride home for christmas, and could wait until it got a little warmer to get my car fixed, but I'm not complaining I guess, it was just weird. My dad helps me out, but he's often more the you got yourself into it, you figure it out kind of guy, or seems at least somewhat disgruntled when he has to bail me out. Maybe I'm too hard on the guy, in any case, my car is working and I didn't have to shell out the cash for a battery, REJOICE!
I'm reading a book called "A Million Little Pieces", by James Frey, it's his memoir of getting treatment for serious drug addiction. My brother is an addict, so this book is helping me to understand him a bit more, like the intense need and daily denying of desires an addict goes through every day that never ever goes away. I can't imagine how much strength and will power an addict must muster every day to stay sober, and how dissapointing it must be if they stay sober then relapse. James Frey was at the best treatment facility and the success rate is still only 15%, that is incredible and highly discouraging to me.

I farted last night at a coffee shop that I frequent fairly regularly, and am still feeling a little embarrassed, it was just a little one, but it was right in between songs and Jesse and Drew (also regulars, one works there) were only sitting a couple tables away. This is on par with the time I went to the bathroom there and came out with my fly open, what can I say, coffee makes me a little gassy...
Merry Christmas

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

on why MN is not the ideal place to live

Because it gets cold as balls, and somehow, even though it is cold as balls, it manages to get warm enough at some point during the night, when the sun has not even shown and it is supposed to get colder, not warmer, to produce icy rain that covers everything with an icy sheet, making driving hell. The weather toys with us mercilessly in the land of ten thousand lakes, I can't imagine what they go through in Canada, there is always some icy blast coming from Canada giving us the joy of subzero temps.
My car was dead this morning because I forgot to turn my lights off last night, so I had to walk 7 blocks to work, which wasn't actually too bad considering it was like 8 degrees, I only suffered from some moderately cold legs, must be that hat I crocheted. I'm just thankful that the heat was restored in my apartment and I was all toasty warm during the night instead of scrunched in the fetal position with every muscle tensed to maintain my body temp. Things like this have a tendency to get me down, so to combat this I must think in terms of -at least-, like At least I'm not in the ditch in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard, at least my mother didn't prostitute me at age thirteen so that she could support her drug habit...
Sooo, despite the constant stress of money issues, I'm doing allright, considering....

Friday, December 10, 2004

it works!

and my coworker just stuffed herself in a box, another threw a ball of tape into my coffee cup


Okay, the link didn't work, lets try it again here, This is funny, I think.

Oh, I almost forgot, Olivia and I signed our lease for a very cute apartment at a very nice location! Thank you Olivia for putting forth all your efforts to get that worked out!

my wrist hurts

perhaps I have carpal tunnel

I'm tired today, I stayed out too late last night. My acquaintance Pete invited me out to this sushi place because he and a friend were DJ'ing. So instead of retire for the evening I decided I could go for a beer, feeling bad for Pete cause I doubted that he would draw a big crowd. There ended up actually being a decent amount of people there so then I felt silly sitting at the bar by myself pathetically going through a half pack of smokes, intermittently chatting with Pete, and pretending to be very interested in the B ball game. Then there was a strange turn of events, a cute fella sat down next to me to chat. Now, it isn't that unusual that a cute guy would approach me in a bar, I am usually accompanied by very attractive friends that they hope to be introduced to, but in this case we were just both there alone. I tried to use it as an opportunity to practice the tips given in my conversations and making friends book, attempted to keep the conversation flowing for a more lengthy period of time with someone that would normally intimidate me into muteness. Overall, it was very pleasant, a few moments of awkward silence that were acknowledged and chuckled over, nice piercing blue eyes, a vegetarian metrosexual that was raised on a commune.

I have done jack shit today, except read blogs, Carolyn Hax's online chat, email and being amused by pickle pictures.

On a sadder note, I went to a funeral a couple days ago for a coworker's 19 year old brother who was killed in a car accident. I was surprised at how emotional I was for my friend, who I don't even know that well, but who is a really great individual. Empathy has not always my strong point. I'll use this as a public service announcement for us all to be careful on the roads, myself especially, some things can't be avoided, but some can, and I know that I need those reminders to focus more on being safe.

I unfortunately ( or fortunately) have NKOTB stuck in my head from the nostalgic mix of music on our drive home from the funeral. Step by step...

Couple of random thoughts...if tomatoes were of a firmer consistency I'd eat them like an apple
okay, just one I guess

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I'm a do-gooder

Today is the beginning of occupying myself with more fulfilling things. I'm going to get interviewed at the school that I will hopefully be volunteering at, and I have my weight orientation at the gym here at work, to tone the flabbiness that has acquired over the past year or so of not working out regularly. I am optimistic about being able to find and afford a decent apartment, and I learned how to crochet a hat last night. I have a $30 Abercrombie and Fitch gift certificate that I think I need to use very soon, I don't particularly like that store, but I'll take what I can get. I have a road trip to Philly on the horizon in Jan. with my buddy Fujipants. I was at work on time this morning. We are having our office christmas party on Sat. so I anxiously await some awesome free food. I think I'm slightly improving my starting conversation and making friends skills. What is this odd sensation, could it be a genuine feeling feeling of contentedness?, hmmmm, better enjoy it while it lasts