Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I'm a fan of the barn dance

it was so much fun, good excercise too. The wedding was gorgeous, it was a privelage to be able to go, seeing as how I don't even really know the bride very well. It was also lovely to get away from the city and be near lake Superior and all the vegetation, and to sing in a dive bar at the top of my lungs with good company.

I'm basically in a state of delirium right now, possibly still have a slight buzz going, the aftermath of three days of heavy drinking and debauchery. Our memorial day party was interesting, a good mix of people. Somehow we ended up in this pimped out ambulance with a muppet chair, a variety of alcohol, and of course fog machines. And lets just say the lake is darn chilly this time of year. And of course we vow to never drink again.

Only 3 more hours until I can go back to sleep, although its a beautiful day.

Friday, May 27, 2005


Sally is leaving for Cali next week for a couple months, so we are going to party it up tonight, start out with a Wondrous Punch at the RD, end up at first ave at some point. I will miss my dear friend that is willing to venture forth into the great city of Mpls with me (although we just go to our old faves), ponder life and love, and watch SATC. Although I believe this summer will be well spent on "me" time, connect with myself time so to speak.

Olivia has asked me to be her date for a wedding this weekend and we are going to camp, and participate in fun farm activities, culminating in a barn dance (or Hoe-down as like to think of it) Pa with the fiddle, square dancing, the shy overall clad farm boys being wallflowers with straw hanging out the mouth. Neither Olivia or myself generally camp much, so it will be an adventure. Cassie is the camper of the group, she usually bosses us around, and we just do her bidding for her, whereas Olivia and I are unorganized, yet we are quick witted, we'll be fine. Monday will be the commencement of our 2nd semi-annual memorial day party, which may draw a crowd of about five.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

let me count the ways

I love cheesecake a lot.

I burned my tongue on coffee this morning, and it hurts.

I finally mailed off my resume today, I was told it was a pretty decent resume, and I'm very close to completing my application, I called my old boss at the Y to ask if she'd be a reference so I'm waiting to hear back from her, and then that's it!, well except asking current boss, but I will do that today. Even if I don't get this particular position at least I have everything in place to keep applying for others, and I know I will find something. Olivia also mailed off her writing, so we both are making steps towards future goals, its a good feeling.

I learned this morning that if a mother is depressed during pregnancy, it actually affects the development of the baby's brain. I guess that makes sense. Now I can definately blame any dysfunction on my mother, cuz I assume she was depressed when she was pregnant with me (well, other than the joy me growing inside her), I mean I'm pretty sure she felt shitty about most things in her life. This is all theorizing of course, but interesting nonetheless. Makes one ponder about the future bearing of children possibility and how its that much more important to be of course not in some state of perfection, but relatively stable in order to have healthy children. Although you decrease the angst and you also run the risk of having boring, well rounded children...whats the fun in that.

I'm tired, spent some QT at the RD again last night. Have my final partylite party tonight, final as in the last of the first six that I was required to do to get started, now its just pretty much who wants to do a show in the future or has booked a show from the other parties. This is nice cuz I'll have a bit more time now, less money, but more time. I will be qualified and I will get my antique brass stand with a removable tray, just you wait and see!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

did anyone catch...

One Tree Hill last night, quite intense towards the end there. Dan can't die though, he's the one that creates the most drama, or maybe he'll die and come back a la Days of Our Lives, he's akin to Stefano. If I were Peyton, I surely wouldn't be hanging out on the beach alone if someone was sending me creepy IM's.

I haven't been posting as much lately partly due to computer training and partly due to having not much to write about. I feel like I haven't really had much to ponder other than every day mundane things, or things too personal to write here, and not much in between. So finally I'm sending off my resume today, and almost ready to turn in my application, which requires me to tell my boss that I'm looking for other jobs (becaues I'm asking her to be a reference), but she knows this isn't my life's passion and I'm sure she will be happy for me, she's great, I hope to work for more like her in the future. I know its lame to blog about weight, but I've been feeling large lately, not that I'm doing anything about it, nope, still haven't disinfected that bike, gone for a jog, etc. I did eat a half pint of ice cream last night though, that really helps in reaching my goal. Also I need to start going to draw the nude model that Jenni's neighbor hires, maybe meet some other artists as well. I don't know what my problem is with actually accomplishing things, apparently its a recurring theme, as one can likely tell.

Monday, May 23, 2005

so I didn't disinfect my bike, sue me

I did clean out the trash in my car however, I'm a disgusting messy person when left to my own devices. Oddly though, I have this major paranoia about having dirt on my clothes, or food traces on my fingers, I can't stand it. I'll chalk it up to having an artist mind.

Well, a work and play filled weekend, also consisting of walking down memoray lane! I hung out with Jenny P. friday night and other Owatonnan's, which of course led to reminiscing about the folks back home. I finally got to meet the infamous M.S. as well at where else- the infamous Red Dragon- very exciting, was somehow convinced to drink an infamous woundrous punch. Sat. I had my partylite party for Barb (my stepmom, good show too! I felt slightly uncomfortable but glad I did it), saw some ladies I haven't seen in years including my mom's best friend when I was little who used to babysit me. Got to hear about where all their kids are, who's married, dating, etc. Then proceeded to go through boxes of my old shit that was in my room so that it could be put in storage. You know how that goes, reading notes, cards, seeing little knick knacks that remind you of the days of yore. OMG, I almost forgot to mention that I talked to Dan M., previous crush of at least five years! It was a brief conversation, but I said I'd give him a call if I was in his neck of the woods. By the time I got home I was in quite the lethargic state and was unable to move enough to get myself to Nye's to meet Sally and M.S. I probably would have just gotten drunk and subjected the other patrons to my apparently bad singing.

Church last night was beautiful, and I got to ride on Jenni's new scooter. The sun is shining and it is warm outside...

Friday, May 20, 2005

in my skull again

Mind numbing computer training is over! Ha! and for our "test" I got 100%, she said I was the only one to not forget anything, double ha! This is funny cause I kept turning to Angela throughout to ask her what the hell was going on. Its all up here my friend (insert me pointing at my quick as a whip brain), yes its all up here. I worked my way through all the archives of tequila mockingbird's blog during the training, its a good one, it kept me from becoming entirely comatose.

Its lovely to just get paid, subtract all your bills (minus some you had hoped to pay) and still be broke as fuck. Partylite is not proving to be as lucrative as I had hoped. Not quite taking off like gangbusters so to speak. Lets see, I'm shy, I suck at selling things, I'm completely unorganized, I don't like trying to give people advice on how to get people to come to their party, I feel bad trying to get people to spend money...not exactly keys to success. I still like it though, its fun, it isn't like I'm working really, and I can get neat candle stuff at discounted prices.

What! no Carolyn Hax online chat today! The nerve....

Thursday, May 19, 2005

still...bored out of my skull

on to day 2 of training. At least Angela is here for some comic relief.

Sat at the bar for about a solid four hours or more last night with roomate and friend who joined us later. What a productive way to spend my evening. Alcohol induced insomnia at around 3 a.m., like clockwork. Feeling good today though, brainwise, alert and whatnot, bodywise, not so much, feeling like I need more activity, and to eat less crap, like muffins. Ummmm, this weekend, I swear, for real this time....and I mean for real, I do not want to gain back the weight I lost and I am clearly slipping back into bad habits, it scares me.

Could stand to change a lot of habits in fact.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

bored out of my skull

at computer training, pretending to follow whatever the hell is going on, but so bored that I keep not paying attention and then being lost, not that it matters, since I'm so smart and computer savvy.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

fear of failure, fear of success

question; Why have you not turned in your Americorps Application and your resume? Maybe because I'm afraid they will look at it and say that sucks and her essay or "motivational statement" is full of cliche's and not long enough and she hardly has any of those skill boxes checked, but maybe we can use you in a position nobody else wants. Or maybe they will actually give me a chance since I don't completely suck, and I do work hard sometimes and I do pick up things fairly quickly and can even suck up my fear when required and be halfway intelligent here and there. Then I will have to move where I have no friends and have no money and be alone, albeit probably doing something worthwhile with myself. I read an article once about losing weight and how some poeple start being afraid to lose weight b/c they become more sexually attractive, which seems like a good thing, except that also requires them to risk and become vulnerable, which kinda sucks sometimes. I am not real good at risking or being vulnerable, my friends tell me my blog reveals things about me that they never knew, which surprised me, not to mention I'm not even that personal on here. This is part of the reason that I don't count on getting married unless I do some serious work on my issues, I don't know if I'll ever open up, I didn't even open up to my therapist and then I decided it was her fault.

well, anyways. Computer training rocked this morning, cuz I had to sit there and wait for my co-workers to quit playing around trying to figure this one thing out and I just got to read blogs. Apparently I was supposed to be "practicing" doing the same thing that takes one minute of time over and over again for the hour that they were messing around with something that didn't involve me.

Friday, May 13, 2005

f-ing whiny bastard

I apologize to Bright Eye's for calling him a whiny bastard multiple times throughout his show last night. I do think his voice has a whiny quality to it, but that is his schtick I suppose, and he's easy on the eyes, so I'm gonna cut him some slack. I probably should apologize to the biz natch who was annoyed by our drunkeness and !gasp! talking during a show, and didn't hold back in letting us know of her annoyance. I'm sorry that someone would be so moronic as to think you are going to go to a show packed full and have everyone listening attentively and not disturbing you.

So another night of getting schlockered, I'm loving it! I'm sad that I couldn't function well enough to stay for Salsa dancing, could have used a little culture after being around all those damn white hipsters.

So my brother gave this "Work No More" cd, well, its a start to a soundtrack for a movie called "Cultivated-a Hip Hop drama" I'm a little surprised that he's encouraging my hip hop habit since he's so annoyed by its "trendiness".

I was pleased with The Faint, kind of depeche-modeish. Digable Planets is coming to first ave next month, who's going with me? Oh, nobody, right, guess I'll have to go by myself...Or Dan might go, and he'd probably pay for me to since we are friends again I guess.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

every once in a while

as most women (or men) do I wonder what its like when you have a baby. What your emotions are, what does that kind of love feel like...the "its different when its your own" type deal. I see my parents with their grandchildren, my nieces and nephews and they get excited and they play with them and act goofy. I remember some of that as a youngster as well, similarities to how they acted with me I guess, thinking how I was cute or creative or smart or funny. It seems odd to me now that they may have felt an intense love for me as a child, a desire to spend time with me. I'm not trying to be all woe is me or anything, but somewhere along the line that changed and now I have a shallow relationship with both of my parents. Its more of a curiosity to me then anything else. I see where I get certain traits from each, the connection I have to my father is that I'm definately similar to him in personality...and what kind of mannerisms I get from my mother.

I just belched out loud we had root beer floats at work, sometimes I forget I'm at work and should maybe be a little more professional.

Anyways, I don't know when we stopped letting eachother know eachother, my parents and I, or my siblings and I for that matter. I know I have "intimacy issues" well, who doesn't, but I remember feeling weird hugging my talking cabbage patch (cause she asked me to) with my family watching because we don't hug or show affection in my family. Well, whatever, it just bothers me when I see when I'm abnormal in adult relationships. I don't know why I'm pondering all this, dissapointment with my shortcomings perhaps and a need to blame my parents, mother's day, seeing Sarah with her baby, missing my cabbage patch, who knows.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

how could he let me down like that

I was watching Felicity the other night, the episode where Noel and Felicity discover that Hanna (Noel's ex-gf) has moved to NYC, and then Hanna plays the I'm sad and lonely in new york and want you back card which gets Noel confused about what (or who) he wants, Hanna or Felicity. Meanwhile Felicity is lucky enough to be the object of interest of this totally hot art dude, I mean he is smokin' hot. I've been in the Noel camp since day one, but I completely forgot how much of an ass he was, jaw-dropping assiness, he walked out of her room after telling he was "confused" and that he didn't expect him to wait for her until he sorts out his feelings, yeah, he walks out, gets Hanna, they both look back at Felicity who is peering around the door watching them leave, they just keep on going w/o a second thought it seems. That got me riled up, what a jerk, and Hanna was a jerk too. So Felicity gets a clue and hooks up with the hot art dude.

Anyways, people can be so inconsiderate.

Monday, May 09, 2005

today sucks

not that bad, but kind of, actually the next few weeks are going to suck. Computer training at work, so we are going to be short staffed like every day for the month of may. I got all this partylite crap keeping me busy, I would love to work overtime since it's actually being offered but I don't have time.

I dropped my car off this morning to get my oil changed, almost tripped walking through the door and then couldn't speak coherently for some reason. I think the guy at the desk thought it was cute, that's what I'm going with anyways.

I put the infamous wondrous punch into my system this weekend, the result being me very intoxicated since all I had to eat was a small slice of Thai pizza and a roller dog from the SA. Sally and I are reverting back to party mode instead of maturing into the stay at home or at least drink responsibly mode.

I read this, this morning and cracked up though, it made my f-ing day.

Friday, May 06, 2005

party on

The party went well overall. One of the ladies there knew more than I did about Partylite cuz she's been to so many parties. I wasn't as cohesive as I had hoped, but I'm just chalking that up to it being my first time. Anyways, it was fun. My co-worker Andrea is the one who hosted, and her mom works here as well. Andrea is not someone that I work with that I would also consider a friend, so it was neat to see her with her family and get to know her better, it is always interesting to see people outside of normal and have them surprise you. In our office those of us in our twenties are fairly tight, except for Andrea, she does her own thing, and when she first started was I guess I would say she was anti-social, although over time she has come around, not that I'm the most social person there ever was either. Well, my point is there is always more to a person than your first impression, thank god for it too. I love how someone can seem to have their shit together and when you know them you see how they are falling apart, or those who seem really off at first can impress you.

I saw my landlord this morning as I was leaving for work, he apologized for all the noise the other night and said he was going to have a talk with the culprit. Our landlord is the most random guy, we wonder if he's on drugs sometimes cause sometimes he's completely mellow, other times he's all disheveled and strange, or else he's totally jovial and friendly. He's a character, you can call him el toro.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I want to be sleeping

I did stay out later than I had planned last night celebrating the anniversary of my birth. But also moron who lives upstairs decides to bring a crew of loud drunk girls to his place at 2 a.m., none of which apparently understood the concept of the possibility of other people sleeping. My room is right by the front door, as well as my window out to the porch, so I hear it when someone goes in or out. I'm generally a light sleeper too so unless I'm really passed out a little noise will wake me. Anyways, they are all laughing and yelling out on the porch, as they come in, and in the hall as they go upstairs, and they can't just go directly upstairs, they have to linger around jabbering and giggling. Needless to say I was pissed and annoyed so I poked my head out and asked him if they could quiet down cuz you know, I have to work and stuff. So he apologizes and they leave to who knows where, then at around 4 a.m. it was the same thing, even though I could hear him shushing them and asking them to be quiet. I totally felt disrespected, I had asked nicely and clearly its just a matter of common decency. Normally it wouldn't bother me if I just had to work and come home, but I have my first partylite party tonight, and I'm feeling a little stressed about it and it will be a long day, I was up late getting stuff ready for it, but was still feeling unprepared.

Other than that, my birthday was excellent. I got my buzz going a little too early though at Chang's with Jenni and Olivia, where great conversation commenced. I didn't pace myself however, so I had a minor headache and not feeling like drinking by the time we got to round two. After Chang's I got my cheesecake and more friends, old and new arrived, so we headed to the old standby, the Red Dragon of course and then to Rudolphs. I felt a lot of love going around, and Carissa, whose birthday it was as well, and I were blessed by wonderful toasts from Olivia. It was all very heart warming, I should have brought my camera.

I'm not feeling as stressed about the party tonight, I have confidence it will be allright.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

wicks and dicks

that is what the name of my partylite unit would be if I were to become unit leader.

so I hear the 30's are great

Tomorrow is my birthday, I will be 26. I hear the 30's are wonderful so I'm not going to worry about how I haven't accomplished great things. Women on Oprah begin their lives in their 40's, revitalizing their spirits, fulfilling their dreams they had that were taken over by marriage and children. So I don't have kids or a husband to blame...

I got denied my vacation for CA, no fun road trip for me, no QT with Sally, no early summer tanning, no stopping to see my sister and her fam in CO. They sure picked a fine time to completely switch how the office operates, really screws up my plans anyways. I will go later but I was really hoping for the road trip part.

Tomorrow I'm eating cheesecake and drinking bloody mary's and probably drinking to excess, because I can and because it is fun and it is an enjoyable part of living. I'm a little pissed off right now, yes, definately pissed off. I'm not even quite sure why yet, haven't found out all the details yet, however I'm pretty sure I have good reason to be, as well as sad and dissapointed. I'm thinking something along the lines of not feeling freedom to be ourselves without judgement or fear or thinking someones care or opinion of us is going to change based on stupid insignificances in the grand scheme of things. A joy, other than cheesecake and alchohol, of life is being loved and understood as you are, genuinely that is.

So I hear in your 30's you stop f-ing caring about what other people think of you because you are comfortable with yourself, and your faith, and your relationships and whatever the hell else and that is ultimately what matters....

Monday, May 02, 2005

it is

you guessed it, Cold as Balls, like snowing cold, has been for several days now, yet later this week its supposed to be in the 80's I hear.

Been an uneventful weekend, the bathroom sink is mysteriously clogged and has gross floating debris. Lets hope this gets fixed shortly. I have no clue why this happened, it was draining fine when I left for work, then I got home and its full of water, with no one to my knowledge touching it throughout the day. I tweezed out a clump of hair which did not help. This along with a chair being moved from where I remember and my closet door also being moved has freaked me out. I think I'm getting over it though.

I gave my brother a ride to my mom's the other day after his traveling adventure west and in California. At least once a year he'll take off for about a month and hitchhike around the country to his fancy. I'd like to try it sometime with him, but I don't know if I have the balls.

I watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time last night (yes, I know, I'm a loser) I do believe that other than seeing a film in the theater, this is the first time I have stayed awake throughout an entire movie, without any effort, past 9:00 p.m. In fact it was 12:30 when it was over. It must have been because it was so intense the entire time.