sluggish

I used to work out quite regularly, and after spending my whole existence as chubby, plump, or husky as I was once referred to, I dropped about thirty pounds and was/am happy with my weight. I surprisingly haven't gained anything back, considering I stopped working out as regularly over time, and no longer care as much about what I eat, but I do feel flabby. At that time I felt strong, like I had some muscle tone, but that is no more. I would like to feel healthy again, I joined the gym at work, but it is lacking in equipment and classes.

I also learned you can change what you look like on the outside, drop some weight, get a funky haircut, new clothes, whatever and still not be right with yourself. I had guy friends that I used to have crushes on, but I was always the smart funny girl that's good to have around for stimulating conversation or to ask advice on the friends that they were dating or wanted to date, but they didn't see me as more than a good friend. Now I totally get affirmed by them, but then I wonder why my personality wasn't enough, and that feeling of rejection seems to be taking a long time to get over, because I still am under the impression that I am not noticeable or attractive, or can hold someone's attention, clearly it holds me back, relationally, creatively, and I keep thinking something external is going to change me.

Last night I finished A Million Little Pieces, and I highly recommend it, it was both encouraging and sad and extremely personal and well written.

Friday those of us at the office that received clothing that we aren't too fond of for christmas are going to wear them, at least give the clothes a fighting chance.