Wednesday, November 28, 2007

slacking, slogging

I want to shut my brain off for a while, get a good nights sleep, relax without feeling guilty that I should be doing something productive or worthwhile or creative or self-improving or world improving all the time. Not that I'm not plenty lazy cause I am. I totally feel scattered right now, and I'm starting to wonder if that feeling ever ends. A big part of me wishes I could erase the past year of my life and re-live it, making better choices, even though as far as my psychological state it was probably one of my better years. Was in school, had good friends, meeting new people, felt sorta purposeful. I don't know if I'm just not dealing well with transition/changes. I feel restless, doubting myself, which is not new but I thought I had a handle on it. I don't know, maybe I need drugs or something.

In any case I find myself turning my wheels figuring out my next move, of course who knows if any plans I'm formulating will actually come to fruition, another fear of mine. I wish I hadn't gone to school last year. I enjoyed it and like the work, but I had my doubts when I started the program and wish I had listened to my gut I guess. My student loans are scaring the bejeezus out of me and I want to figure out how in the world to make a significant dent in paying those suckers off (and then possibly go to grad school consequently racking up more debt, haha). Right now that kinda looks like quitting my low paying bakery job (a replacement job wouldn't be much higher paying if at all), and going back to full time well paying office work. Frankly the bakery job isn't really challenging me that much anyways as far as gaining knowledge in the field, however I then feel like a let down by not using the education that I just paid money for/invested time in. A big part of me thought just wants to put in my 8-5, not have to wake up butt early in the morning, have a life again, pay off my debt/save some money.

I just ditched my shrink. It's probably me but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with her. My last and one other shrink experience I also felt like we didn't click but at least she gave me practical ways to improve the things that were unsatisying even though I never felt like I was getting to the root of my issues. I think I will try to find a new shrink, and one with a sliding scale fee.

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