Friday, December 19, 2008


I feel ill, self induced by over-eating and over-drinking no doubt. I nominate myself for "roll of the day".

Well, I do believe I have officially stopped thinking about anything of any importance. I have, however, obsessed lately over cat urine and holiday crafting. I also have a pathetic tale to tell for your reading pleasure...

Yesterday being the arrival of recently posted about young man, I did not hesistate to get sloshed out of my mind last night. I had been assigned the task of making a birthday cake for our volunteer, George (Charlie Kaufman's father-in-law). First of all the cake did not turn out at all, it wasn't moist and cake like at all, it was dense and dry, not sure if it was the recipe or a mistake on my end. So, I figured oh well, popped on some Elliot Smith (fit my mood) and frosted and decorated it regardless, whilst throwing back a couple brews. I proceeded to text my drinking buddy Mike because otherwise I feared that I would show up at the bar that I knew -he- was going to be at thanks to the evil that is facebook listening to a band that I legitimately enjoy so it wouldn't be totally unusual that I would be there. As much as I wanted to show up drunk and emotional and see him with his beloved and his friends that I used to hang out with and probably make an enormous ass of myself I thankfully decided that would be a poor decision. I needed a distraction. By the time my roomies came home though we started crafting and listening to Christmas tunes and I was feeling content, but Mike got back to me and was willing to drink. Since I was already four beers in when he picked me up, it didn't take much to thoroughly drown away any negative emotions I may have been feeling. It was just what I needed, but I feel pathetic for even still caring. I guess I'm not used to people cutting me out of their lives, period, but definitely not for no discernable reason. I mean, not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty well liked by those who get to know me. I think Not a Girl, Not yet a Wino says it best here..

"That even when not riding the church train, we owe people something more in this life. You can try to run from it, you can say that not calling her the day after a drunken lickfest is the way that people do it. But it isn’t the way you or I or we should be doing it. And this isn’t preaching. Plain and simple, it reeks of an era when we didn’t walk upright and beating your hairy chest wasn’t something done as a post-coital joke. You owe something more to the people who you choose to let into your life. Give them anything less than your best and you’re cheating yourself – screw the him or her you’ve known for a month – of the opportunity to be something more than the guy next to you at the bar who drinks Bud bottles* and avoids his wife’s repeated cell calls."

I have a flaw, or perchance a strength, or some combination thereof, of often thinking too highly of people or not doubting their motives enough. I also think in so many shades of gray that I can justify most sides to a conflict especially in regards to human emotions. In any case, I didn't expect to be treated so poorly, because I hope people would give their best, and that when they inevitable fail, that they do their best to correct the wrong. Of course I'm certain I need to work on this myself.

It doesn't help that I was quite fond of him and I -thought- he felt the same and nobody has piqued my interest in quite the same way since, not that I've really been looking. Jenni, however, has set forth a goal for me to give the f**k me eyes to the next dude that interests me, which is so not my style of being socially awkward and trying to avoid eye contact at all costs. It also really really sucks to be hurt and deal with that pain, and sometimes I think I may be fine just thinking about cat pee rather than obsessing over a man or getting involved in something that will more likely fail than succeed.

That said I obviously could sure use a date, geez, two lengthy posts on something that I barely have talked to my closest friends about. Not to mention I should be so over it by now.

Must nap now.

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