prozac nation

"But it's one thing to be aimless; it's another when you make targeted decisions in spite of your aimlessness. That's when the regrets and backtracking often happen"....

" life is rarely linear, and careers are no different"

more brilliancy from Carolyn Hax, makes me feel slightly better about my poor life decisions. I've kinda mellowed out in the past couple weeks, more like been distracting myself so as not to think too much about things and consequently work myself into a ball of anxiety. In some ways productive (dwelling and worrying and stressing out), and others ways not (becoming nice and comfy in a tolerable yet ultimately dissatisfying life). Although I sort of have some plans and goals mapped out for myself, I'm having trouble making solid decisions, too many options it seems, coupled with paralyzing fear of making the wrong move and failing.

I wish people were more real.

Eh, I'm a Debbie Downer these days, even my friends think I'm not as witty, a shell of my former self. Perhaps drugs would help.

I've set out a painting to taunt me into working on it, got ideas still a-churning, assuming I get the motivation to get them out.

not a loser

I am unsure how it is possible for me to start exercising regularly (relatively, as in 2-4 days/week), choosing and preparing healthier meals at least more frequently than before, quit working at a bakery where I'm constantly surrounded by tempting sweets in which I did indulge, and not only gain weight which I had hoped to attribute mostly to increased muscle, but also seem to be in possession of jeans that were granted -snug-, but had to be squeezed into today with difficulty and are now -tight-. Am so not going to win any weight reducing contests. Also decided against the gym challenge b/c I am planning on being in CA visiting former roommate/friend Betsy on the last day of the contest rendering me unable to do the weigh in.

Oh well, am not letting it get me down. I figure it must be some sort of fluke, or maybe the double, no triple serving of fries the other day along with pizza, a cheeseburger, and 2 mini sloppy joe's. Hey, it was my free day.

I saw Cat Power last night, she was great, her voice live was amazing and she was very endearingly quirky and not too drunk.

Well, on the advice of my shrink I'm trying to be more aware of my brain output. It seems however, that my former crush of last winter is throwing a party to which I am not invited, and I am not sure as to why since I am not actively crushing on him and our sparse interactions over the past year have been amiable. Possible oversight I suppose, which has been the consensus among mutual friends, slight chance that could be b/c he is very good friends with he who dicked me around broke my heart last spring. Who knows, but of course I had to agonize over it for a good hour or five. It is hard to attempt to distance myself from brain output.

overthinking

If there are any of my vast readership that are a member of goodreads and actually browse the site, I highly recommend reading this young lady's reviews. I find them to be quite hilarious and smart, here's the link...
http://www.goodreads.com/profile/Jessica

So now that I have this diagnosis, I find that I can conveniently use it as a viable excuse to cover a wide variety of sins and unhealthy behaviors.... until I'm healed that is.

failed relationships or lack of remotely healthy romantic relationships-dysthymia
binge drinking and consequent obnoxious/embarrassing behavior-dysthymia
staying in a dead-end job for several years-dysthymia
crippling anxiety and fear-dysthymia
desire to shut my brain off-dysthymia
inability to stay awake past 9 p.m. watching a movie or television-dysthymia
feeling socially inadequate-dysthymia
lack of movation create art-dysthymia

to name a few anyways. My goal, by the by, is to be charmingly self-deprecating and not someone who can't function in life. In case anyone worries about me. There is such a fine line between charming self-deprecation and patheticness. What I mean is, I'd like to be self-deprecating in such a way that is humorous and relateable, in a way that makes people think "ha, yeah, I feel like that sometimes too". Clearly I think way too much about this.

And to answer your question, Jenni, from what I read drugs were obviously an option, and talk-therapy.

Anywho, I'm trying to decide whether or not to sign up for this challenge at my gym. I would be in a team of three (increasing the pressure to succeed). I could potentially win $50, or a massage. I'm already part of the biggest loser contest in my office (which I'm certain I'm NOT going to win, especially since I don't have the advantage of not having an intestine like a couple others in this here office). However, I have been more consistently hitting the gym and eating healthier meals, and this gym competition might just get me to kick it in high gear. I need to decide by monday.

there may be hope

I'm fairly certain that I'm dying...currently experiencing an out of the blue endless coughing fit that I'm certain means cancer- throat cancer, I probably have tongue cancer as well. I am a taurus after all. Well, if I do die, I hope people show up at my funeral.

I stopped at my former bakery of employment this morning to pick up my tips and say hello to my friends. The cute barista was working and I mentioned the seeing him at the Turf, awkward and brief small talk followed in which I told him that I meant to say hello but didn't. Then when I got to work I put my coffee on top of my car while I gathered my things and it fell off and spilled all over me, a pleasant start to the day.

Coughing fit is over, I feel more positive about my chances of survival today.

In other news, saw my new shrink yesterday for the first time, and if our time together was an accurate indication of future appointments then I feel quite positively about her. She seems to have a more applicable approach as opposed to my last shrink who just sat there in ucomfortable silence with me for the majority of my session without offering me any help on what I'm supposed to DO about my state (and I also got the sense she was after my money). She diagnosed me as having dysthymia, which my very first shrink from a few years ago also told me and makes sense I guess, I have always felt that I'm kinda slogging along through most of my adult years, always thinking things could be a little brighter and better. I guess I've been under the impression that that is pretty normal but what do I know. A description follows below in case anyone cares....

"Rather, you might tend to be inactive and withdrawn , you worry frequently, and criticize yourself as being a failure. You may also feel guilty, irritable, sluggish, and have difficulty sleeping regularly.
Dysthymia is a milder yet more enduring type of depression that affects women two to three times more often than men. The diagnosis is given when a person has had continuous depressed mood for at least two years. For children, the duration only needs to be one year, and their mood may be irritable rather than sad or depressed. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that it seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has had this condition for a number of years. Because dysthymia may develop early in a person's life, it is not uncommon for someone with this condition to believe that it is normal to always feel depressed. They often to do realize that the quality of their mood is anything out of the ordinary. This illness often goes unnoticed and, therefore, untreated."

shifting patterns

Okay, so as much as I do enjoy wallowing in my self pity, I do realize that it is not all that attractive or productive to sit around and self-loathe. So I'm going to try my hand at changing my thought patterns on the advice of my good pal Jenni, and hopefully with the help of my new shrink, who I see for the first time tomorrow.

Although in thinking about changing my thinking patterns I came to the conclusion that I would be a failure at changing my patterns, which is reinforcing my current patterns. *sigh*

This would be my first official week back to full time office slogging. I miss my bakery friends and the variety of working there was nice. I do not lament no longer waking up at 4:15 a.m. however, or being on a more regular sleeping schedule.

Speaking of bakery...cute bakery barista was spotted out and about at local venue where my friend's band was playing. I kept meaning to go say hello, but I guess kept waiting for the right moment, although I have no idea why a right moment is needed for a simple "hey". Well, he ultimately left (with his presumed girlfriend), so I missed my opportunity. I still managed to have a righteous time with nice punk boys, even if the music wasn't quite up my alley.

There was some nasty rotting fruit or vegetable in my car this morning. My car also smells like a stale ashtray even though I always leave the window cracked so that it will air out.

Umm, caucus tonight. I'm going. I think.