Thursday, February 07, 2008

there may be hope

I'm fairly certain that I'm dying...currently experiencing an out of the blue endless coughing fit that I'm certain means cancer- throat cancer, I probably have tongue cancer as well. I am a taurus after all. Well, if I do die, I hope people show up at my funeral.

I stopped at my former bakery of employment this morning to pick up my tips and say hello to my friends. The cute barista was working and I mentioned the seeing him at the Turf, awkward and brief small talk followed in which I told him that I meant to say hello but didn't. Then when I got to work I put my coffee on top of my car while I gathered my things and it fell off and spilled all over me, a pleasant start to the day.

Coughing fit is over, I feel more positive about my chances of survival today.

In other news, saw my new shrink yesterday for the first time, and if our time together was an accurate indication of future appointments then I feel quite positively about her. She seems to have a more applicable approach as opposed to my last shrink who just sat there in ucomfortable silence with me for the majority of my session without offering me any help on what I'm supposed to DO about my state (and I also got the sense she was after my money). She diagnosed me as having dysthymia, which my very first shrink from a few years ago also told me and makes sense I guess, I have always felt that I'm kinda slogging along through most of my adult years, always thinking things could be a little brighter and better. I guess I've been under the impression that that is pretty normal but what do I know. A description follows below in case anyone cares....

"Rather, you might tend to be inactive and withdrawn , you worry frequently, and criticize yourself as being a failure. You may also feel guilty, irritable, sluggish, and have difficulty sleeping regularly.
Dysthymia is a milder yet more enduring type of depression that affects women two to three times more often than men. The diagnosis is given when a person has had continuous depressed mood for at least two years. For children, the duration only needs to be one year, and their mood may be irritable rather than sad or depressed. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that it seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has had this condition for a number of years. Because dysthymia may develop early in a person's life, it is not uncommon for someone with this condition to believe that it is normal to always feel depressed. They often to do realize that the quality of their mood is anything out of the ordinary. This illness often goes unnoticed and, therefore, untreated."

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