just swell

Ah goodness. Guess I haven't felt like updating my blog much lately...what does need some serious updating is my flickr account.

A couple weeks ago I was certain that I needed to see a shrink as the funk was taking over. This week I'm feeling considerably better. We shall see how long that lasts. It seems lately that my funk likes to fall by the wayside only to come back with a vengeance in a few days.


So I started tutoring for some extra cash. I tutor math to a brother and sister. The boy is autistic and I, you know, have zero training or experience with special needs kids. However, after the first couple sessions where I was totally freaked out that I was going to do a terrible job, I definitely feel more comfortable with him and I think he does with me, and he is actually easier to tutor than his sister at the moment (and quite hilarious with all the random stuff he says). When he grasps a concept he's pretty much got it down and will work diligently, whereas his sister claims everything is hard and gets easily distracted.

Anywho, my regular job has a lovely vibe of negativity at pretty much all times. Everyone is disgruntled over something or another. We had a co-worker who took advantage of the flexibility here, so another employee complained to HR, and now we have no flexibility. Also, after 8 years of employment and never requesting any time off at thanksgiving or Christmas, I decided to put in a request for the days prior to Christmas this year, thinking that I've put my time in, and I was surprisingly granted my vacation. Oh, what an uproar that created, I think for 2 weeks straight all I heard about was people obsessing over holiday hours, and how I can't get time off next Christmas because I got it this year, and so on and so forth. Meanwhile, the people b**ching about it still managed to get practically the whole week of Christmas off. The one that really chaps my hide though is my co-worker who took the whole week of Thanksgiving off, who asked for it off MONTHS prior, and probably mentions at least twice a week, for the past two month how I GOT CHRISTMAS OFF, she is clearly bitter about it. I'm like wait a minute, you obviously wanted Thanksgiving off since you asked for it off in the summer, and now you also want Christmas off?? Talk about a holiday hog!! I know that the fact that I am a spinster and haven't born children makes it look like I shouldn't have any obligations to anyone during the holidays, but news flash, I have a family too. A ridiculous and dysfunctional family that I'm not always keen on hanging out with, but there are some members of it, such as my sister, brother, niece, nephew and bro-in-law that I do enjoy seeing and only see at most twice a year. Even though my sister is bonafide nutso, I still like her and her family.

This same co-worker is the one who feels the need to belittle me by double checking my work because once I made one error and I don't feel the need to do completely unneccessary tasks that she deems important.

Lets see, what else...I had a surprisingly pleasant Thanksgiving with my Pa and stepmom, which I thought would be awkward because I other than my stepbrother, who was there about an hour, I was the only child to come home. It is well known that my dad and I aren't exactly the chatty types...in general, and certainly not to each other, but the conversation flowed with only moderate awkwardness. I was dissapointed to see that our huge maple tree in front of our house had to be taken down, the house looks naked without it.

I recently thought that I had almost lost 10 lbs, but then the next time I weighed myself I had put back on 3, keeping me steady at where I've been for a couple months now. I shouldn't complain since I still weigh less than I did this summer, when I had porked up to my heaviest in probably five years.

Oh, I was recently at a party where the boy who broke my heart was also in attendance (along with girlfriend). He completely ignored me which was super, but then I saw him a week or so later at another event and he told me he had sent me a message just hours before asking if I wanted to get that elusive drink sometime, to which I responded okay, and then wrote him back to set something up and ....nothing. I don't get it, he could have just continued to ignore my presence and I would just have carried on. Instead he claims to want to hang out with me and I have this glimmer of hope for some closure, but alas, it is but a pipe dream. Ah well, he is moving away soon so that's good, his presence is just a lovely reminder of the consistent rejection.

I've also had the pleasure of watching my roommate be asked out men that I also find attractive, while I meanwhile get no advances from attractive men, and continue to pathetically pine for aforementioned boy, even with all his flaws and jerkish behavior, oh, and the fact that he has clearly moved on, like 2 years ago.

*sigh*

dedicated to Susie Q

I am eight years old and it is Christmas Eve. Having endured the long day of anticipation, as well as the torture that is my mother's traditional oyster stew, I was ready and waiting by the lit tree. Like most children of the 80's, I have hope that my coveted talking cabbage patch is one of the neatly wrapped packages under the tree. Being the youngest and most eager, I wait for the rest of my family to join me while sensing that I should try to hide my greed. My parents and siblings take their time at supper, seemingly on purpose just to irk me. Finally, they file in and the opening of gifts can commence. Not wanting to blow my wad on gift one, I begin with the gifts that I know are kinda the filler gifts...barbie, clothes, a board game, etc. Then I get to the one from my parents that I'm certain is my cabbage patch. I open it and become the proud adoptive parent of Susie Q. or whatever I ended up naming her. Dad has batteries on hand so that I could interact with my child post haste. Now, my parents, while well meaning folk, are terrible at expressing love and affection in either a verbal or physical sense. In essence...I was not hugged much as a child, in fact I only remember one instance where I hugged my dad and that was because I was told to by some Tae kwon do master and I felt obligated to, and it was awkward. Actually, I think my dad's love language may be gift giving, 'cause he was sure jovial when he stuck those batteries in my new doll. Everyone was watching as my baby's on switch was flipped and she uttered her first words..."hug me". Huh?, what was this form of affection known as a hug? There my family sat, grinning and staring, as though we sat around giving each other back rubs while watching Family Ties and that hugs were apart of our normal routine. The doll was relentless in its request, so sheepishly, I was forced to give it an awkward and half hearted hug so that it would shut up. Eventually, I would lose its sippy cup as well, so not only was my doll deprived of physical affection, but it would constantly complain of being thirsty. To this day I believe my experience with my talking cabbage patch has directly influenced my lack of desire to have children.

This post is written for the Great Experiment, if you feel so inclined, vote for me, thanks!

lazy is as lazy does

I am trying to get motivated enough to at least accomplish a spot of exercise today. After a long and busy weekend during which I exhausted myself, I finally have a day off with no agenda. Well, I had a few items on my agenda, such as cleaning my ridiculously cluttered room, exercising and attempting to fix my car door handle that I stupidly dented in/broke off by miscalculating my ability to park in a space between two pillars at -you guessed it- trader joes.

However, at this very moment, laying on the sofa and watching this bizarre early October snow fall through the window, I'm finding the prospect of getting bundled up to get to the gym rather daunting. I've become rather adept at falling asleep in bars lately. Let's see, Friday was spent preparing for, and then hosting our Oktoberfest party, which was cold but successful. Stayed up til after 4 a.m., woke up around 9 a.m., did some cleaning, went to breakfast with the roommates and friends, did some more cleaning, watched a movie with the roommates, dozed off for approx. 15 min. during movie, went to attempt to nap in own bed, after 10 min. was woken by phone call from friend asking when we were going to zombie pub crawl, got up to get zombie-fied for zombie pub crawl, picked friend up for pub crawl, walked in the 40 something degree weather with friend dressed as zombies amongst thousands of others dressed as zombies, acquired brain anxiety, consumed one pbr, lost energy, met up with other zombie friend, ate chipotle, attempted to pub crawl to 2 other establishments before deciding it was too cold and exhausting to fight the crowds, went home, showered, debated for several minutes about attending show at beloved local bar that will be closing soon to see local bands that I am fond of, decided to go, ordered a coffee which clearly irritated bartender, sat and chatted with friend on phone so that people who clearly have friends would think that I have friends even though I was alone, waited for an hour for music to start, enjoyed first band while standing in a corner trying not to draw attention to the fact that I was there alone, continued to stand in corner while waiting for second band to set up, started dozing off WHILE STANDING, decided I should probably go to bed, felt dissapointed that I was being lame and going home, but excited to sleep, awoke early to go to work, dozed off while sitting at desk, debated on going to church or napping after work, chose napping, went home, napped, went to friends house to watch Twins lose to the Yankees, ate copious amounts of soup, watched mermaid girl after Twins defeat, started to doze off, went home, watched dude from Korn on the christian station talk about his conversion, fell asleep prior to hearing about actual conversion, woke up at 3 a.m. and went to bed.

So that was my weekend in one long, hard to read nutshell.
Gah! Soap opera's or gym! I'm also slightly sniffely which is making me even more lazy, justifying that I should rest so I don't get full blown sick, but I also don't want to get full blown fat! Blast!

Uggh, my computer is so ridiculously slow. I was going to attempt to wipe my hard drive, but after some research I got scared to attempt it myself. Some computer tech I contacted said an increase in RAM would help also, and is cheaper, so I think I'll do that instead.

whoops

I'm pretty sure I missed my blogiversary again.

So, after spending 6 hours on Sat. looking for appropriate flapper style attire to wear to the 1929 party I was attending at which a young gentleman that I have a slight crush on was supposed to also attend, well, it was a major bust. Not only did I not find a suitable dress, but the object of my affections was not in attendance at said party.

Man, costumes totally stress me out. We are having an Oktoberfest party on Fri. and my pal is trying to convince me to be a slutty German bar wench. I'm not really too keen on this idea as I don't want to fear folks getting an eyeful if I bend over slightly. Nor do I have any motivation to try to come up with a costume for Halloween. Besides, I don't think I can top my boy george costume from last year.

It has been horrible weather here...cold, rainy, for like 2 weeks now. We are trying to be hardy and thrifty and have yet to turn on our heat also, so it's freezing in our house. Sure makes one excited for winter.

Thanks to those who voted for me in the blog contest that I wrote the previous post for. I think all but one vote that I got was from somebody that I did not coerce into voting for me so I'm encouraged by that. Nor have I seemed to gain any more readership than I previously had...oh well.

The floodgates

It happened the summer following my freshman year of high school. My two sisters, brother and myself were on a sibling camping adventure. On our agenda...whitewater rafting. I'm neither athletic nor adventurous, therefore the prospect of whitewater rafting sent my heart a-palpitating. When we found ourselves running late the morning that we were to embark on this endeavor, I felt hopeful. The frenzy to arrive at our destination had left no time to pee. Noelle sped the car along and barked at me to change into my swimsuit, she'd glance furtively at me in the rear view mirror with furrowed brow to make sure I was complying. Sweaty and terrified that my brother might look back and catch an eyeful, I attempted to shimmy into my suit in a manner that showed as little skin as possible. Much to my chagrin we made it just in time. Of course, by this time, the urge to pee was steadily increasing. The rushing water, jostling, and gripping fear of our raft flipping, consequently sending me downstream to crash into sharp objects, was not helping. We managed to make it through unscathed.

Afterwards, Romaine wanders off to relieve herself in some disgusting latrine in the woods. By this time I had to pee something fierce, but I'd be damned if I'd subject myself to a stanky biffy. I was certain I could hold it. We waited what seemed like a millenium for the crew to load the gear, and I felt a trickle run down my leg. Seconds later the floodgates opened and and no amount of clenching could close them. I stood there as the urine escaped my bladder, seemingly in slow motion, while I looked at my siblings with desperation and embarrassment. At the age of 13, I had wet myself.



This post is written for the Great Experiment, feel free to vote for me, topic is embarrassing moment if you couldn't tell.

ready to drop

I am pert near exhausted...I do believe I have been "out" practically every night for easily the last three weeks, if not five or six. I haven't been this social since I was in my roaring 20's, and I'm beat. In fact, after I finish work this evening I plan on taking a power nap and then possibly attending bar trivia. The rest of the week, however, looks to be a bit slower then the previous few...thank god.

In other news I had a rollicking good time with my co-workers while in attendance at another co-worker's wedding. Funny how fun it can be cutting a rug with those ladies, especially the one's who are henious, condescending wenches when we are at work. Actually only one nurse that was there last night is in actuality a wench to me at work, the rest are all very pleasant to work with (okay make that 2 nurses). I managed to not rip the dress that was a tad too tight for me. In fact the scale has made a downward turn instead of up! Encouraging! I must say I've been pretty good about cutting back on the sweets and unhealthy stuff as of late, and feeling slightly more svelte as a result. I also just ordered a kettlebell dvd, and will be obtaining an actual kettlebell for myself in the near future, then I'll really be in business. I plan to find muscles that were not previously in existence. I will be a toned goddess.

A boy that a kinda have a little crush on will be in attendance at a party that I have also been invited to. He is a friend of my roommate's friend and earlier this summer we all hung out at this outdoor concert, during which I got, you guessed it, pretty wasted. Granted I'm sure he was in a similar state but I left that event thinking I had made an enormous ass of myself and had left him with a horrible impression of me. Case in point, a couple months later I invited him and the mutual friend to join us for trivia via facebook and received no response whatsoever, even though he was clearly active on facebook. Of course I concluded that he hated me. However, this past week the roommate and I ran into him at a show and I managed to say hello and engage in small talk without looking like a complete fool, and he did not seem put off by my presence. So I may make an attempt at flirtation at the party...and will likely fail miserably.

I am continuously baffled that dudes continue to pursue me when A. I was not in top form around them because of a lack of attraction to them and consequently B. there was clearly zero "spark" between us. Yet they persist and I have no idea why, I could not possibly have come off as that attractive, so I clearly attract desperate and lonely dudes. Meanwhile, the boys that I do find attractive, who are certainly not Abercrombie models and seem well within my league, do not give me the time of day despite my efforts to be outgoing and witty and charming and intelligent and such. Those dudes usually end up with another average looking girl who is probably cool and all, but I have to wonder what those women have that I don't.

Well, I seem to have evaded the full on funk for now...am currently just in my usual state of dissatisfaction and slight melancholy. I've been tossing around the idea of asking he who broke my heart if he wants to get a drink sometime, to which I will likely get no response.

hello blog

Oh blog, how I have abandoned thee.

Well, last time I posted I had just turned 30, felt the loss of my friend's band and had a falling out with a friend. The friend and I made up a couple months later, and I am still 30 and still a little heartbroken over the demise of my friend's band.

But man, has it been a busy summer. Lots of weekends out of town, a trip to Philly, and attendance of goings on in my lovely city. Minneapolis is pretty great in the summer, but I'm plum exhausted. My old roomie has been in town a couple months and we've been out and about, hearing music and playing pub trivia.

I also decided to try my hand again at online dating, which, I kinda wish I would have just let sleeping dogs lie. I guess the idea has been bouncing around in my head and my roommates and I have been joking about trying it and making a documentary. Then my bro in law was obsessed with me giving it a go when I visited them a month ago, he is clearly concerned by my spinster and childless future. However, I believe what really spurred me on to take the plunge was knowing that the guy who broke my heart was moving back. So I went the cheap route and posted another craigslist ad, which garnered me a slew of responses and I had dates lined up for every night of the week. My experiences ranged between horrible and definitely passable, but nobody that really rocked my boat. The horrible experience was with a guy who I for some reason had thought was close to my age but ended up being well in his forties. Mind you, I have no issue with dating an older dude, there are definitely some attractive dudes in their middle age, but this guy was schlumpy and clearly never left the 'burbs and we obviously had nothing in common. Even though my instinct was to turn tail and run when I saw him I perservered. We had plans to go to this event at the gallery I volunteer at, during which there were going to be presentations. The worst part of the evening was during the last presentation where one of the woman stripped naked and showered in front of everybody...can one say uncomfortable. I felt like I was with a creepy uncle.

So yeah, no love connections from my foray...there are a couple guys that I have plans to see again but don't really envision anything happening beyond friendship.

Then of course I run into he who broke my heart at the state fair of all places, which is frakking huge and so not where I expected to run into him. I did think I might see him at some point since we have mutual friends, but definitely not there. He (and his girlfriend) pretty much turned tail and ran while me and my friend chatted with our mutual pals that he was with. Unfortunately for him when we left we only popped around the corner and promptly came back the way we came so he was there when we passed by again. Of course I didn't care if he felt uncomfortable, so we went over to say hello. He was clearly uncomfortable.

Then, this past weekend my friend and I went to her college town's festival as I have been the last couple years. This time I was expecting to run into said guy, since it is his hometown. In any case, we ended up hanging out with him and his pals (sans their girlfriends) for the evening, very little of which I actually have clear remembrance of since I was extremely intoxicated. No doubt I was obnoxious at some point. Yeah, I feel real great about that experience.

I may be heading into a funk..or it may be a temporary lapse, haven't quite detemined that yet.

heartless bastards

Well, I'm sitting here in my dark and chilly home feeling sad cause all my friends are out enjoying
Grizzly Bear, to which I had a ticket but lost said ticket, I am so majorly bummed right now, and feel like a dolt. I'm pretty sure it fell out of my wallet, I was probably drunk when it happened. Oh well, those are the consequences of drinking heavily I guess.

Facebook is being stupid...ah facebook, which has informed me that he who broke my heart a couple years ago is possibly moving back to this fine city in a couple months. We don't really run with the same crowd that much anymore so it is unlikely that I'll see him, but it is a possibility. I met a boy at a party the other night that I could potentially have a crush on if I thought I were to ever see him again...we are facebook friends now too, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'll ever interact with him again in real life.

*Update* I got into the Grizzly Bear show!! My pals came through and discovered a way to "sneak" me in, and I'm so glad they did, it was excellent!

Well, before I had to rush out to the show, I was going to lament over the demise of my former roommate's bluegrass band...a very sad occurance. Not only do I really enjoy their music, but their band kept me connected to former roommate(s) and people of the aforementioned group, who I enjoy seeing at least occasionally. I've been going to their shows pretty steadily since I met them almost 3 years ago, so I'm feeling the loss.

The demise of their band also caused a demise (thus far) in another friendship with my former co-worker/friend. Said friend had been for lack of better term "tagging along" when I'd see their band in a nearby town where they all went to college, as in barring once or twice she insisted upon coming with me for the past year or so. I was not bothered by this but at the same time I certainly never begged her to come with me. She would drive for a couple reasons, one being her car is more reliable and pleasant to ride in than mine, and she would usually bring a friend. So basically we had a fight over how I was supposed to drive her because I "owed" her. Thing is that she had never asked me to drive previously and if it was a big deal I would have driven or hitched a ride for both of us with Jake. We could have gotten a ride with Jake last weekend except for the fact that she had to work late, so I ended up opting to get a ride with him and leave her to her own devices. The reason she was so insistant on me driving other than that she always had was because her ex was going to be there and she wanted to drink, meanwhile I also wanted to be able to be there on time, relax and enjoy myself for their final show, (like I said, a band that I've been supporting for almost 3 years), and spend time with Jake and Kat who are moving soon. The friend that I speak of isn't really friends with Jake or Kat, nor have I ever gotten the impression that she cares that much about the band other than it gives her something to do every once in a while and she can flirt with cute boys at their shows. So, she ended up not coming and we haven't really spoken for over a week now. I'm not usually one to have friendships end over something petty like this, but with this particular friend it was more than the stupid driving and it just kind of came to a head I think, as I've walked on eggshells around her more than I care to with someone I consider a friend. I think eventually we'll come around but we are both stubborn people.

My co-worker is also pissing me off. I've felt rather belittled by her lately, as in she always double checks my work and "fixes" things that are either unnecessary busy work or don't actually need fixing. She seems to have quite a fondness for adding small tasks onto her workload that are completely unnecessary, and also being a suck-up to the nurses for some sad reason, so that when I refuse to bend over backwards to do things that they are fully capable of doing and SHOULD be doing than I'm a bad employee. She recently just about took over my monthly audit because in three months 3 mistakes were found, one of which was admittedly my fault, but the other 2 had nothing to do with me. However, she proceeded to blame me for the other 2 mistakes and decided that I am not competent at auditing and that she should take it over since she certainly never makes mistakes like I obviously do. Then today she approaches me about something that was missed because I was off and she was ill, so another co-worker filled in for the day and she doesn't really know what she is doing, understandable since she rarely needs to fill that role. So when she points out that the insurance benefits hadn't been obtained I pointed out to her that it was the day we both were gone and that I am fully aware that benefits need to be obtained and that I do, in fact, call and verify benefits when need be. For some reason this was not good enough for her and she repeated herself as if I didn't understand, so I curtly interrupted her to say yes I understand, thanks, and turned my back.

I think I'm starting to get a tad more of a backbone, not much, but a smidge.

It's been a full 5 1/2 days since I've had a cigarette, except for one drag...hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I suppose it helps to have a solid reason, instead of a more abstract "bad for me" reason.

bumpkin

\I'm a bumpkin...as in I will be toothless for at least 6 months. Yes, my molar has finally bit the dust, and now it won't be biting anything anymore, it has been yanked from my jaw, leaving an empty gaping hole. I miss it. I will also miss smoking. If anyone cares about the long and sordid tale of the life and death of my tooth, I will regale it...


The story begins way back in college, I believe my sophomore or junior year. I was slightly more portlier than I am currently (though I'm well on my way to returning to my previous state). I was snacking on some hard candy as you can imagine a shy, frumpy, portly girl like myself might be doing, and a hard bite led to a sizeable chunk of tooth chipping away. Honestly I don't even think the candy was that hard, it may have been a starburst, I don't remember. I do remember thinking that I didn't have dental insurance (indeed, I did, I just didn't realize my stepmother had added me to her plan). Being your typical strapped for cash college student (this was even before I discovered alchohol and started blowing my wad on that), I thought there was no way I could afford the dental work. Fast forward a couple years, I believe stepmom inquired as to when I had last visited el dentist, and I informed her of my plight. She insisted that I visit her kind and gentle dentist. I went in, the dentist thought that we could attempt to get by with a filling...keep in mind I had chipped a decent chunk out and left it untreated for approx. 2 years. The dentist warned me that a the filling might do the trick but assured me it was worth a shot before going for the dreaded root canal. Another year or so goes by and something just isn't right, I have swelling and some pain. I return and they decided to go ahead with the root canal which was NO BIG DEAL, like some people make it out to be. Another year goes by...tooth STILL doesn't feel quite right, apparently dentist didn't do a sufficient root canal, by this time I have my own dental insurance and regular dentist who refers me to a specialist to do ANOTHER root canal. More time passes (see a theme emerging) and the tooth...still something wrong, go back to the specialist to do yet another root canal and before she dives in she tells me there is nothing more she can do and refers me to an even more specialized specialist. I'm not quite sure what the problem is but what it comes down to is that I have to get the tooth removed or have surgery if I want to attempt to save my tooth. He recommends the surgery which is very expensive even with insurance. I go in for my checkup in 6 months and he claims things look great, I go in for my yearly checkup and things are not so great, apparently now my tooth has a fracture and that is the final straw, it has to come out. So at this point I've put a couple grand into this tooth, minus what my parents paid for in the early stages. Now I have to get a dental implant or nothing, implants are quite expensive also but I would like some sort of tooth there. Anywho, the tooth is gone and I feel like a bumpkin, not that anyone can tell since it is in the back, and the rest of my teeth are in pretty good shape, it isn't as though I neglect my oral hygiene. The healing process apparently takes about 5 to 6 months, and then I can get the implant hopefully, meanwhile smoking obviously doesn't help the chances of the implant becoming acclimated to it's environment so it is a good reason to get me to actually quit. It's weird how I feel about quitting smoking, clearly I know that I should quit, especially now that I'm getting older, but sadly it's become part of who I am in a way, and certainly how I socialize, which I will miss. I keep trying to envision myself as a non-smoker and my improved health, it's going to be hard, but I figure if I can at least get out of the every day habit that I can maybe get to the point where I can have the occasional smoke.

So that, plus helping with the next installation at the gallery I'm volunteering at has got me plum tired. Helping with the install has been great fun, well, the first day was fun. It was a bit nervewracking trying to understand what the artist has in mind and execute it, but she seemed to like me and affirmed that I was doing well. Yesterday when I worked I pretty much felt like a dolt the entire time, some hot artist dude asked me a question and me being a recent and lowly volunteer had no idea, I cut these pictures wrong for this other dude, and I didn't know what to do with my painting supplies when I finished and felt too stupid to ask someone, so I just left. Last time I volunteered there I was gallery sitting with another sexy artist dude who I had admired outside the window doing some manual labor a couple weeks when I was scraping potentially harmful debris off the pane of said window. Well, we sat in silence pert near the entire time (we were reading), then when it came time to shut down the gallery I didn't have any clue how to turn off any of the dvd players and what not, so I wandered around attempting to figure it out not knowing that my sitting partner had all the remotes. I felt really moronic and silly, and awkward. I have a major issue with feeling awkward almost all the time.

Other than that...I guess being 30 hasn't been all that bad, except the decline in my looks and metabolism.

hoo-boy

I just severely porked out right now for lunch, after my dinner last night of cake scraps and frosting and whipped cream I'm feeling mighty portly.

Remember when I used to post on this thing like, almost every day? Maybe I'll try that again.

in a van, by the river

That's where I'll be if I don't get into JET next year. Oh, so for any of my vast readership that hasn't heard the news, I was chosen as an alternate for JET, and I just decided to turn down my chance of being upgraded in the following months for a variety of reasons, mostly because I don't want to have to move in with my mother if I gave up my housing situation and then didn't get upgraded. Part of me is really dissappointed in myself for not taking the chance and taking the safe route, which is essentially what I'm doing. Although, and I know there is always going to be something that I will miss out on by moving abroad for a significant amount of time, but there are things going on in this year that would be hard to miss out on. So...that is that, I will hopefully get off my duff this year and do some things that will enrich both my life and increase my chances of getting a straight -yes- next spring, including volunteering with kids, possibly tutoring or some such thing, obtaining my TEFL/TESL (which I think will be quite beneficial, not only for JET but if I want to go anywhere else), and taking some Japanese classes and learning more about Japan in general. I do really want to do JET...it would allow me to travel, get me some valuable experiences (maybe not jobwise, but at least life experience), and help me pay down some loans, so I hope I didn't miss out on my chance, but we'll see.

I also feel like I have to make my life this year worthwhile, I already have recently signed up to volunteer at a local art gallery which I'm hoping to get more involved in over the course of the year (including an Art Shanty this winter), and maybe finding an attractive fella to go on an actual date with, along with the aforementioned items. Again, this will take me staving off my propensity for laziness, which will be no small feat, but if I'm to survive another MN winter I gotta feel as if I'm doing something cool and not just twiddling my thumbs. I feel like I say this every year though.

Well, anywho, that's pretty much what has been weighing heavily on my mind the past month or so, now I can focus on turning 30 in a few days, and the despair that notion fills me with. If I don't die from swine flu that is, then I don't have to worry about it I guess.

hornswaggled

Hmm, well, it has been an interesting few days.

First of all, I'd like to expound on my opinion of the film "He's Just Not That Into You", which highlights the "delusions" of women and their supposed desperation to "read too much into" the supposed obvious disinterest of the object of their desire. However, it does not address why the hell the men give the mixed signals in the first place. For example, the man that the "crazy" girl meets in the bar who by all indication seems "into her"...saying he was glad to have come to the bar because he met her, asked for her number, etc., then when she admittedly embarrassingly confronts him on the specifics of their future interactions it was supposed to be obvious to her that he wasn't genuinely interested, well, then why did he feel the need to show interest? Same goes with the Scarlett Johannson character. There is not any addressing of the fact that perhaps people could just stand to be more honest about their intentions, and it seemed that the stereotypical "crazy chick" was emphasized more throughout the movie. Maybe a film that expresses a need for people to be more honest and upfront to begin with when dating, being respectful enough and secure enough to refrain from feeding on other's insecurities in order to give oneself an ego boost and recognizing that their actions do affect others might be in order. Of course not nearly as entertaining and money producing as poking fun at the patheticness of what it means to be human sometime and to desire a genuine connection with another human.

So that being said, I had a blast from my romantic past who by all sane observations would have been deemed "not that into me" and who preyed on my insecurities for his personal gain, much to the chagrin of my close compadres who genuinely love me and knew I deserved far far better. Well, that person showed up at my workplace last week after years of no contact, to apparently apologize profusely for wronging me, and to make sure that I knew that he took my general loveliness for granted. It was simutaneously flattering and freaky, and of course I am skeptical based on past experience. In any case, it was nice to hear, albeit possibly ingenuine, but coming from someone that I once invested too much into to my mental detriment and who no longer holds the same power over me, it was satisfying and somewhat therapuetic.

I also just bought a car, a car whose only known problem by the owner was that it needed the brakes to be bled (from what I know a simple and inexpensive procedure), but turns out after taking it to the mechanic that the entire brake system needs to be replaced which would cost me a ridiculous amount of money, meanwhile being a hazard to drive. I called the folks that I purchased the car from (a nice seeming family just in need of some extra dough) and they agreed to refund me my money and take the car back via voicemail but they have yet to return my call to work out the details of that transaction. So, I got hornswaggled again in my search for a cheap used car. I just hope they actually take the car back, I'm nervous. *update* I talked to the previous owner and she was real cool about taking the car back so all is well.

It is cold as balls out there. My other car's doors were frozen shut this morning, it was quite unfortunate.

In other news, my father has gone off the conservative deep end. He texted me last week (had no idea he knew how to text) to get my email address. I never received anything from him. Yesterday my brother texted me asking for my email address saying that he and Dad were fighting and he wanted to forward the emails to me. Since my father had typed in my email address wrong I had not received the original email, which was a bunch of ridiculous right-wing rhetoric about the state of government and how soon enough our freedoms will be taken away and how we (his beloved children) should prepare ourselves for anarchy and make sure to protect ourselves against those that will go to any means necessary to take what they need. Also I should put all of my savings (which would consist of nothing) into silver and gold. My brother was offended that our father would purport to change the political views of his adult children in the span of three paragraphs of paranoia and delusion and replied as such, to which my father replied with a verbal attack against my brother and his lack of fiscal responsibility, and now they are not speaking. I see both sides, of course, my brother has a lot of harbored bitterness toward's 'ol pa, so I can see why he'd get more riled in the first place. Meanwhile, I could care less if pa is wants to spew his crazy notions, and kinda feel bad for the fellow since I guess he was well-meaning, but then he got unneccesarrily ugly towards my bro and that isn't cool.

Bah, I'm too lazy to prepare for anarchy.

slotheriffic

So next week I head to Chicago to have my JET interview, I'm quite excited that I at least made the first cut. Of course I'm a tad nervous, as I hear the program is pretty competetive, and I've also read that I should know a fair amount about Japan and it's history and also American history...and I know next to nothing about either. I dunno, I don't interview well, I am not a quick thinker who can easily come up with either a genuine or BS answer on the spot. I also don't like to talk about myself and sure don't do well at "selling" myself either, seeing as how I am generally under the assumption that almost anyone else can do the job better than I can. So I've ordered a couple books on Japan in the hopes of learning some goodies, and will attempt to pump up my confidence and acknowledge that I am a competent individual. A lot of me hopes I get accepted and finally move on to something bigger and better that will allow me to travel while actually making a decent living, while a part of me hopes I don't get accepted because I'm comfortable and have a home and a job and if I stick around I'll still have friends and they won't forget about me because I'll be gone for a year or two.

I keep thinking about baking yeasted bread type things. I wish I wasn't so lazy, I seriously laid around like a sloth in my own stench most of this past weekend and accomplished absolutely nothing other than gorging on unhealthy foods, oh wait, I saw "He's Just Not That Into You" after which I resumed my post on the sofa and watched more Northern Exposure instead of party-going as I had planned. The movie didn't do much to dispel women's romantic hopes and delusions, but it was funny. Meanwhile I have craploads of hobbies that I want to embark on, and I should maybe like, read or something.

a breath of fresh air

That is what I like to think of myself as, a breath of fresh air.


It has been confirmed by the blogosphere...all the eligible men are taken, so there is no point. I actually gave a go at fulfilling one of my goals and giving a young man the f*** me eyes this past weekend. He wasn't quite a stranger as I've met him a couple times before which made it easier, and more laughable since I frankly can't take myself seriously when attempting to be seductive. Also I was with my young friend (the one who bagged the only attractive single dude on NYE), who I used to not feel, shall I say for fear of sounding conceited, threatened by per se when it came to picking up dudes, but have since learned that she is an expert at it since she mananges to pick up dudes wherever she goes whereas...I am and do not. Yeah, I know it's part of the whole mating game, and I thought maybe I could handle the potential rejection since the only loss would be the little bit of self-esteem that remains, but I'm not sure if I can even risk that. I hit my prime a couple years ago where I felt cute, charming, witty, smart, thin...I was going places! I could attract cute dudes who actually read quality literature!, but failure has pushed me past that prime and I now I feel silly (and fat and also old). I also have like to hold out hope that some handsome, young-ish, intelligent, incredibly witty lad will be charmed by my awkwardness and will think me cute enough to be attentive and it'll be one of those rare times that I feel at ease (though probably with the aid of alcohol) and I'll feel semi-confident which will result in a decent conversation during which I portray myself as being somewhat funny and maybe even a little smart and there will be no need for f*** me eyes because the sparks will be a-flyin' and our inability to stop gazing at each other lustfully will be in full force and the flirting will all be quite natural.

Yeah, right. Or god forbid it happens and then at some point down the road, out of nowhere I'm dropped like a hot potato, devastated with a newfound sense of feeling destined to be alone.

Anyways, I can barely remember being 25, hell, I can barely remember 27, although I felt a pang of nostalgia over a memory of living in the (not literally) frat house. I have a serious nostalgia problem that I don't think can be fixed, and everything is transient so I'm essentially screwed. Therapy would possibly help except I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out for therapy.

underwhelmed

I'm re-watching old episodes of Felicity again, I had forgotten how embarrassing Felicity is during her freshman year, and I find Ben to be more attractive, when in the past I've always thought Noel was more attractive. I think this is telling, and not in a good way...Ben is the popular dude who can get any girl, is more insensitive than Noel (although Noel certainly has his moments), and a overall screw-up. This concerns me since as I get older and more mature I should be finding Noel to be increasingly more attractive. Perhaps it should also concern me that I'm guaging my personal growth on a TV show.

In other exciting news I got a flash drive for Christmas and am pleased to report that I was able to back up my music and my photos onto it.

Whoo, I know that really must have almost made you pass out with excitement.

I feel also that I maybe was a little harsh on my 'ol pa in my last post...he's a decent dude, I just think to say that he inspires adoration in any of his children's hearts is quite a stretch of the imagination. Adoration is a pretty strong word.

So yeah, Felicity and flash drives are about the extent of excitement that I can handle these days. Christmas with the family was standard, me feeling generally awkward while my paranoia feeds and tells me that my family thinks I'm weird, which drives me to mostly sit by myself and play sudoku the entire time that I'm there. As far as my baked goods, my cookies went over well, but the eggnog cupcakes that I slaved over were barely touched. These cupcakes consisted of an eggnog flavored cake, which was filled with eggnog pastry cream, frosted with bourbon cream cheese frosting and decorated with a frosting poinsetta. I understand if you don't like eggnog, but my family likes eggnog yet barely a cupcake was eaten. I give up. NYE was spent in Chicago mostly with people I don't now a solid 6-7 years younger than myself and mostly coupled, and of course the friend I was with bagged the only attractive single dude there. I'm starting to feel lame and ugly and general malaise. In any case, the rest of my time in the windy city was nice, seeing friends and eating greek food and such. Sally and myself went on the great hotdog hunt of 2009. Surprisingly enough when I arrived home I had quite an appreciation for Minneapolis, mostly the ease of parking and getting from point a to point b, and I just kinda like it.

Hopefully, if I get a hefty tax refund, I will be in the market for a new beater. I really scored a lemon with this most recent car purchase. I guess it runs and stuff, but the list the mechanic gave me of stuff that needs fixing at my most recent oil change is pretty overwhelming, and I think I can do better. I was too trusting, thinking the dude who sold me my car was a nice old dad type who wouldn't screw me over...I was wrong. Hopefully I can get a couple hundred bucks for my car and invest that into a decent beater costing me an overall $300-500.

Looking forward to spring, only 3 or 4 months now.