schlumpy/fat

Definitely one of those schlumpy/fat/ugly days. After a week or two of not feeling fat due to the illness during which I could not eat and consequently dropped a few pounds, am now feeling fat again due to holiday treats surrounding me everywhere I go. Have been looking in the mirror the past couple days and thinking ewww...face is pasty pale, tired looking, skin less than glowing. My ensemble today, unflattering pants and sweater pairing, faded green socks that clash against the green of my sweater, revealed by my too short pants, is not helping matters.

I'm tired due to loud neighbors waking me at 2ish a.m. Am determined however, to spend money that could be used towards my many unpaid bills, and instead feel like going on a shopping binge for new shoes. Then I will traipse home, try to tidy up the apartment a little since Lance moves in this weekend and thought it'd be nice if at least the bathroom(s) were clean, and I highly highly doubt that any of my roommates would take the initiative to clean well, anything. Jake takes out the garbage, so I absolve him of other household duties.

Holy balls, I just got rewarded at work for all my hard work, a reward that was given to only a few choice employees. Can't say I feel as though I completely deserve it, but hell, I'll take it.

nobody cares

I apologize if you are a person that believes that someone cares about how your holiday was, or someone that actually cares about how someone else's holiday was, however, I don't really care how your holiday was (unless you are a good friend, then I care), nor do I expect you to really care about mine, and yet that question flies about constantly post holiday and frankly it annoys me. Even if I sat alone and lonely, crying, about to ingest a bottle of sleeping pills I'd smile and say fine, and then not return the question. Ha, yet I blog about it as though someone out there may care, well, that's because my life is boring and I have nothing else to blog about, unless you want to hear about my financial despair, lack of self-confidence, how I get rejected by boys I like, yet gross, skeevy, old, boringly unfunny, or men who posess all aforementioned qualities seem to have undying love for me. So for that I apologize, and I do apologize if you are one of those persons who chippily ask how everyone's holiday was, and if you genuinely care, then good for you.

The days are supposed to be getting longer, increased sunlight leads to better brain functionality, energy and the like. The weatherperson said on the news last night that he doesn't expect it to get frigid cold until mid-late January, so I figure then we just have to get through February suckiness, March also usually sucks but at least you can see the end is near, those first inklings of spring come that give you that nice feeling inside.

My roommate confessed to not having a strenuous job (she's an intern). I've been recently annoyed lately by the fact that I'm usually the first out the door, the last home, and yet I find myself cleaning up after everyone while they sit around surfing the web. I'll give Betsy credit, when she was between jobs she tackled some projects and thoroughly cleaned, but guess who continued/will finish painting the cupboards? Ah yes, yours truly, even though I have one precious day off during the week, while everyone else works well under 40 hours. But you know what? I don't say a damn thing about it, just bitch about it here, and while chatting with friends, seems counterproductive now, doesn't it. I really love my roommies despite my annoyance.

home sweet home

Sitting here in my empty apartment. I have donned my gay apparell (jammies), and am watching Charlie Brown Christmas since Christmas is just about over and to watch it after Christmas would be sad, and it must be watched because it just must. In the olden days when I was a child, I would watch all the classics with my sister Romaine, Grinch, Charlie Brown, Rudolph, etc., we'd bake cookies together, listen to my parent's collection of old Christmas records, I'd help her trim the tree, she'd yell at me for improper placement of ornaments (2 reds too close to eachother, that one is too ugly...). I'd probably be yelled at for a variety of other things too, I guess I just wasn't very bright. My siblings and I would play games, Romaine would cry for some reason or another, usually because everyone like Noelle better (I don't know why, I mean, Noelle was nice and stuff), or my Dad liked his "other family" better than us. I would have so much fun with my sisters during that week between Christmas and New Years that I would cry for a week after they went back to school, or jobs. Nowadays, I get a little nostalgic for those days, especially when my siblings don't come home. If I don't get yelled at by my sister at least once or see her cry, it's just not the same. Anyways, Noelle came and brought baby Noah, Romaine and Phil were supposed to come with Teddy and Clara but they were stuck home due to the weather in Denver, my brother is in Seattle. I would have preferred to just come back to my empty apartment after Noelle and Noah left early yesterday morning, spent Christmas Eve and day alone, but well, there was my other family to spend time with, like my parents and stuff. I boned up on my guitar hero skills, it wasn't all bad, got to lounge around and watch cable TV. Now I will proceed to watch "Little Women" one of my favorites, the one with Christian Bale and Winona Ryder.

I've kinda had some anxiety lately about my future, feeling like I'm never going to be an adult. I'm going to turn 28 on my next birthday, I'm living with a bunch of recent college grads, drive a shitty car, have loads of debt, marriage/kids is the furthest from my mind, not that I have any marriage prospects anyways, and I'm worried about my career prospects. For some reason this has been bothering me the past couple days, maybe because my sister was talking about how they've not only paid off all her student loans, but that they'll have at least a million dollars saved up by the time they retire, and I'm like, I'll be lucky if I'm able to pay off my student loans by the time I retire. Granted, she's a doctor, but I don't know, I just feel like I've made bad life decisions.

awkward

I saw this guy I vaguely know last night while at the grocery store. I know him because I go to his art gallery pretty much every time it has an opening and I bummed him a cigarette once when at the local coffee shop so now he usually says hello to me amongst the crowd of pretentious art viewers, which is cool cause he owns the gallery and is all arty and stuff and he still makes a point to acknowlegde me. So we saw eachother, and said hello and such, he inquired about my weekend, you know small talky stuff, then I have to spend the rest of my shopping time avoiding him, because we'd already done the small talk thing which was awkward in the first place, but then to run into him again would be awkward again, so I was clearly avoiding him the entire time, now I feel like an idiot, like why can't I just be socially competent and carry on a conversation, or not be afraid of conversation, plus he's an artist, actually doing well for himself up in these parts, so he's not a bad connection to have. Oh well, I think the key is for me to be liquored up all the time.

freak

I have one of those freakishly long hairs growing from my cheek. I think I'll leave it there a while.

sweet relief

Today is the first day of my winter break, have I mentioned yet that I have three weeks off of school, and only have to subject myself to the daily drudgery that is my job, but all that is required of me is putting in my 8 hours, no schoolwork, no exhausting and stressful 5 hour classes, just drudgery. I will try not to complain about work or co-workers during this duration. We are getting free lunch today and tomorrow, if I didn't feel slightly nauseous every time I ate this would be more exciting, I have a fear that I'm becoming lactose intolerant or something horrible like that, I can't imagine, I love dairy.

Insomnia has returned, waking at 3, 4, 5 a.m. unable to fall asleep again, have no idea why, just pisses me off.

We decided on a roommate, Lance, he's "not a flamer but is a homo", his words. I was all about Lance before we met him, thinking he may put some effort into our sparse decor that the rest of us haven't had the ambition to tackle (or time in some cases), and he was funny in his emails and seemed really friendly. Our other option was another guy who was really outdoorsy, so much more up Jake's alley. However, I found him kinda irritating as did Kathleen, and Betsy thought he might be a slacker, plus he had unfortunate facial hair (a long skinny beard resembling a spike coming out of his chin), yet I was reprimanded by Betsy telling me I can't judge him for it, well then who can I judge? Does not one choose one's own style of facial hair, often as a manner of expressing oneself?? Whatever, he got the kabosh, I feel bad for Jake cause he's such a nice guy and he kinda got the shaft, but well, he was the only one excited about the outdoorsy guy. Lance, however, has a ton of furniture, big furniture, and seems to think we'll be able to fit it all in no problem, in addition to the furniture we already have. I'm slightly nervous about Lance, he may be not as laid back as he claimed. It is soo nice not to live with Sarah anymore though, so nice, just soo nice. I didn't realize how much common space she selfishly used for herself until she left, besides being a negative, complaining, lazy presence in the house. I like roaming my home, no longer fearing possibilities of awkward interactions with her, or hearing her stomp around, or complaining on her cell phone to mommy. Okay, I'm done now. So in the interim Jake's bandmate Aaron has been staying with us, and he and Jake jammed together the other night, Jake on guitar, Aaron on mandolin, then switching to fiddle, it was really pleasant. I actually wish Aaron would live with us, he's nice, quiet, respectful, cleans, all qualities of a good roommate, alas, it is not to be.

My teacher complimented me, we had to sculpt dough into whatever we wanted within the theme of "winter", so I did a cozy little fireplace scene, and she was impressed and said that the dought sculptures usually give her a good indication of who will be good at cake decorating and plating and such, and she seems to have confidence in my abilities, she said I have good coordination. It felt good. It reminded though of my painting prof. in college, he was also very encouraging, yet I didn't take it enough to heart...I wish I could.

Well, I'm on the receiving end of rejection yet again by a boy I kinda like, who seemed to like me, and it wasn't just in my head either, other people thought so too. Sigh, now I can't help but indulge in a little of the "what's wrong with me" thinking, even if I don't think anything is really wrong with other then my deep-seated issues that I haven't yet grappled with through the help of a reputable therapist. Perhaps I best get on that.

amongst the living...missing my bed

Friday evening I regained a fair amount of functionality, slithered out of my bed, showered, and shuffled to the ATM to deposit check that would save me from financial despair, then to the grocery to pick up some nutrients. Had hoped to engage in some funfilled activity, but decided it would be unwise...damn age and wisdom...seeing as how I had to work this weekend and have loads of schoolwork sitting all neglected and forlorn in the mouse infested corner of my room. Yes..I came face to face with the vermin yesterday as I flipped on the light, more like face to nastly hairless tail and he scampered his way from whence he came into the hole in my floor, which I've now sealed with a flimsy piece of packing tape, haha, that'll surely deter the little beast. Then I made the mistake of attempting to eat at our office holiday party last night, I mean the food was tasty, but I'm not sure my stomach quite ready for that amount of digestion, not that anything terrible occured as a result, just a tummyache and general feeling of grossness. This morning the delirium hit, but I've somehow managed to choke down theraflu and am feeling just about up to snuff, until the drugs leave my body and I'm sent into a spiral of withdrawels and depression.

I thought I'd be ironic last night at the party, see, I signed up to bring a desert, knowing that everyone has high expectations from me seeing as how I'm in culinary school, (which I find semi irritating since I don't feel like I can necessarily bake better than most anyone else and I don't like expectations put on me). So I brought a bag of Lindt truffles. Really I was just too sick/busy this weekend to make something, but I felt a sense of triumph as well, sticking it those nurses..I don't pester them about the state of my boobs, crotch, or any other womanly issue I may have even though they are learned in that subject. People seem to think I love to bake in my free time these days, umm, not really, I like to relax, work on other hobbies/projects, have a social life, etc. I don't like to bake outside of school at this point, I'm too damn tired/busy. I must keep my eye on the goal though, this wednesday will be the last day of the quarter, then I will have a glorious 3 and 1/2 weeks off of school.

I love my bed

I seem to have fallen ill, with what I don't know, but I feel like shit. I may soon leave my bed and watch television, if I can muster the energy. I rarely ever get legitimately sick, so I may as well revel in it. Sadly I have no one to care for me, I don't have a damn thing to eat around here even if I did feel like eating, and no one to bring me drugs or soup, although my buddy Rachel may stop by later bearing the good stuff.

I'm scared

Roommate Sarah is all but officially gone, outtie, 86'd, what have you, her and her little orange haired friend too. However, I have a new fear, that all my roommates will want the potential roommate that we met last night and that I'll be outnumbered. We are meeting 2 dudes tomorrow, but if they turn out to be duds, then I'm out of luck I believe.

I think I just saw a dead person, or something lying on a hospital bed with a blanket over it looking somewhat like a dead person. I guess that is what happens when you work at a hospital, you see dead people. hahaha

I'm a huge dork. I'm also going to have to start leaving myself comments.