home sweet home

Sitting here in my empty apartment. I have donned my gay apparell (jammies), and am watching Charlie Brown Christmas since Christmas is just about over and to watch it after Christmas would be sad, and it must be watched because it just must. In the olden days when I was a child, I would watch all the classics with my sister Romaine, Grinch, Charlie Brown, Rudolph, etc., we'd bake cookies together, listen to my parent's collection of old Christmas records, I'd help her trim the tree, she'd yell at me for improper placement of ornaments (2 reds too close to eachother, that one is too ugly...). I'd probably be yelled at for a variety of other things too, I guess I just wasn't very bright. My siblings and I would play games, Romaine would cry for some reason or another, usually because everyone like Noelle better (I don't know why, I mean, Noelle was nice and stuff), or my Dad liked his "other family" better than us. I would have so much fun with my sisters during that week between Christmas and New Years that I would cry for a week after they went back to school, or jobs. Nowadays, I get a little nostalgic for those days, especially when my siblings don't come home. If I don't get yelled at by my sister at least once or see her cry, it's just not the same. Anyways, Noelle came and brought baby Noah, Romaine and Phil were supposed to come with Teddy and Clara but they were stuck home due to the weather in Denver, my brother is in Seattle. I would have preferred to just come back to my empty apartment after Noelle and Noah left early yesterday morning, spent Christmas Eve and day alone, but well, there was my other family to spend time with, like my parents and stuff. I boned up on my guitar hero skills, it wasn't all bad, got to lounge around and watch cable TV. Now I will proceed to watch "Little Women" one of my favorites, the one with Christian Bale and Winona Ryder.

I've kinda had some anxiety lately about my future, feeling like I'm never going to be an adult. I'm going to turn 28 on my next birthday, I'm living with a bunch of recent college grads, drive a shitty car, have loads of debt, marriage/kids is the furthest from my mind, not that I have any marriage prospects anyways, and I'm worried about my career prospects. For some reason this has been bothering me the past couple days, maybe because my sister was talking about how they've not only paid off all her student loans, but that they'll have at least a million dollars saved up by the time they retire, and I'm like, I'll be lucky if I'm able to pay off my student loans by the time I retire. Granted, she's a doctor, but I don't know, I just feel like I've made bad life decisions.