oh what a beautiful morning!

mild temps and softly falling snow, quite lovely.

I think my pants are too tight, fuj said they weren't when I tried them on, but they are, I feel like they are going to rip when I sit or bend over. I got them at h & m though, so I can't return or exchange them, since I don't foresee going to chicago in the near future. It could also be the ice cream and cheesecake eating, the beer drinking and the lack of excersice. However, I do think the tight pants got me in a tight mindset to get into the tight parking spot this morning.

My new obsession is my apartment, I just want to spend money on stuff for our apartment and my room. My money should be going toward paying numerous outstanding bills, however, I figure if my living space feels empty and disheveled, my mind will also be empty and disheveled, and I won't be able to focus on paying my bills anyway, so really it is a wise investment.

I'm getting bored with myself, I need to shake things up, maybe I should try online dating...nah, don't want to. Salsa dancing, I should do that more often, but Jenni is married now, so she's in her "we" mode, and nobody has any money to go out. Well, I guess until I start getting my finances in order I will have to just be bored.

I love the VFW

stiff drinks at a bargain price, a safe unintimidating environment to sing karoake, what more can you ask for. We were out for my "best" friend Jenny's birthday, my friend that I've had since kidnergarten and we still talk almost every day, even though we aren't quite as close as we were growing up. I love having a friendship that spans all that time, we know eachother's history cause we've been there for eachother in those times, and she is someone I can still count on for anything.

yum, california rolls...

I can tell I'm getting old cause last night was the first night in quite some time that I was out past say 11 pm on a work night, whereas in my youth I was out late almost every night. Also when I smile, the corners of my eyes seem to crinkle more then they used to...

I stole some brie from work yesterday, someone had brought it for our staff meeting and there was quite a bit left over, so I took a huge chunk home figuring no one else would eat it, but it was put out again today, so now I'm feeling a little bad for being selfish.

I put some effort into being outgoing last night, I'm proud of myself, even though it was a pretty unintimidating crowd that I was with, I even sang karoake. I initiated hello's, conversed, and remembered everyone's name and made a point to say it when I spoke to them, my analyst would be pleased.

I want to post some pics on here, but I don't know how to go about it, I don't have my own personal computer, so my dinosaur digital camera is not a lot of use to me. Can I scan pics and save them to a cd and load them at work? Any help on this matter would be very much appreciated.

today is Dick day!

The pres. of the Allina Health system is dropping by today for a visit, I must be on my best behavior.

Since I have nothing more exciting to blog about, allow me to bitch about work for just a second. We are moving our office around because the billing office folks find it hard to concentrate when the nurses on the other side are talking to patients on the phone about their nipples, breastpumps, latching, jaundice, etc. This means I will likely have to give up my sunny desk with a window, near the heating vent to move to a dark, dank cold desk with artificial light. I have expressed my displeasure with this situation (whined), so I'm hoping I get to stay put. Other than that my job is fine, it pays well, I work with fun people, there is variety throughout my day...it isn't what I want to be doing, but it works for now. I don't really know what I want to be doing in fact. I studied art in college, I paint, draw, etc, and I'm good at it, but I lack the motivation to make anything, much less try to show my work. So I wonder where my passion really lies, is it in making art?, I don't know, it seems like I would want to do it all the time, make time for it. Most of the time I feel pretty passionless. I can correlate this to Christianity as well. If I really consider myself a Christian, a follower of Christ, a lover of God, then why aren't I poring over my Bible, praying consistently, doing more for society, loving my neighbor, seeking and learning more persistently. How can I have so much and still complain and not be more thankful.
Some passion would be nice.

And when did children just get to decided what they want to do in school. I was tutoring yesterday and my student didn't want to read the story, she wanted to do her other work first. Since the teacher had written down that she wanted my student to read the story and if we had time we could work on the other stuff, I tried to get her to read the story, but since I didn't know how to force her and she refused to do it, I took her back to her class, cause to me it seemed a discipline issue. We get back to her class and I feel like a meanie cause the teacher asked her if she did her other work instead of reading the story, and my student said I wouldn't let her. This is true, I didn't let her because it was my understanding that she needed to read the story first. So she got to do her other work, whatever...I don't recall in second grade being able to whine and get away with it, oh, but she wasn't on her meds, I forgot that excuses all behavior.

starbucks, dunkin' donuts and bank of america

Of course there are starbucks in the twin cities and surrounding area's, however having a starbucks every half block is just ridiculous. Its like starbucks, dunkin' donuts, bank of america...repeat.

Since you are all at the edge of your seats waiting to hear the details of my adventure, well, I will indulge your anticipation...
Traveling went well, I had to bus partway instead of the train because it was too cold for the train to go at a decent speed, so I only had a short train experience, which was a bummer, I was really excited about the train. Anyways, I got to Chicago, Sarah picked me up, we hung out at her parent's, then took off the next day, Philly or bust! Driving went alright, except when I took over the wheel and mistakenly drove on the shoulder for like 3 miles, and some snow patches...Our first mission was Philly cheesesteak, which we accomplished at Jim's on south st. Then we hunted around for a dive bar and came upon Mako's, it was apparently lady's night cause we got free drinks, so the night was already about as good as it gets, free beer and cheesesteak. The next day we shopped, and we were hoping to find some hip hop, so we tried to go to an open mic, but because of the one inch of snow people were staying in and places were shut down. We ended up Salsa dancing, which I've done a fair amount, but I was either really rusty or they do something different in Philly cause I sucked, so we moved on to our second attempt for some hip hop, but everything was pretty slow, but we did see where the real worlders went. Before we left the next morning we checked out the liberty bell, and compared the cheesesteaks at Pat's and Geno's...this is not recommended before getting in a car for five hours, which does not aid in digestion of said cheesesteaks. We arrived in Amherst, saw Emily Dickensen's house, I lusted after the barista and we got some ice cream. Then Sarah dropped me off in Boston, I wandered in the nasty cold, found a great little bar called "the littlest bar", made a furry friend or two, got a good beer buzz going to handle the chill and was on my way. All in all a very nice time, although I was a little worn out when I got home.

this weekend my church had a colloquium, and my lovely and talented friend/roomate Olivia participated in. I was so impressed, it was personal, intellegent and relevant. Yay Olivia!

Well, back to the pile of work that has built up!

chat

Carolyn Hax's online chat is today, check it out!

planes, trains and automobiles

Sunday I head east, taking the train to Chicago, where I'll hook up with Fuj97, spend some QT with Ed and Jean in Rockford, and of course hit up Beefaroo. From there Fuj and I brave whatever elements may cross our path on the way to PA, arrive in Philly sometime tuesday, hang out there a couple days. Then I check out Amherst, MA and fly back from Boston. We hardly have any plans, so we are just figuring it out as we go, how a road trip should be.

I must say, I'm quite talented. I can give money away for nothing like nobody's business, overdraft fees, parking tickets, credit card debt, late fees, etc. I am trying to be more responsible with my money, but it is a process, good grief. I feel like I dig myself out of one hole only to fall into another the next step I take. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck, but I have been working more, so that helps, and when I get back I'll start another part time job for 5 hrs a week, so I'm working on it.

My car started, I have to crawl in the passenger side though cause the driver side door won't open. It is really f-ing cold out there negative 10 degrees, negative 23 degrees windchill.

late

I woke up a good half hour earlier this morning, was still late for work...

learning

Since I posted my religious rantings yesterday, you all should know that since I moved to my new apartment I have drank beer every day, beer makes me happy, and not just beer, wine too. I'm not opposed to hard liquor either, I just don't drink it that much, get a red bull and vodka in me and I go crazy. I smoke every day too, yes, I can call myself "a smoker" generally 2-3 packs a week, so its not like a pack a day or anything, I don't have to take smoke breaks at work or anything. Last night Olivia and I had a few beers and I started talking to the chili I made, accusing it of trying to pass itself off as chili when really it was more like a hotdish. I'm not sure if talking to food is an indication of a problem, but at this point in my life I'm okay with it, at least I'm not having sex right now.

I also want to clear up that I despise the phrase, "accepting Jesus into your heart".

Onto learning...since I started tutoring recently I was thinking about how kids learn, how do teachers teach, what happens in the brain to make things start to make sense. I tried to remember learning as a kid, and I don't, that's the thing, it just happened. I don't remember when letters became sounds became words and sentences and books. Or how the numbers add, subract, multiply, and divide, how eventually that basic knowledge allowed me to do geometry, algebra, a little physics. It all just got absorbed somehow, and I don't think much has changed. I look back and see things that I learned, that changed me that I didn't see at the time, it just got absorbed, the brain flipped a switch and it made sense. I guess it's kind of that you won't change until your ready type thing, but I'm afraid that is my excuse, I'm twiddling my thumbs, waiting to be ready...

clothes

nobody has commented on my new salmon colored cords...

My lovely coworker and black belt Brandy gave me a bunch of hand me downs after cleaning out her closet. I love used clothing, especially if its free.

all they talk about is love

I'm listening to coldplay, and I remember my brother making the comment that they are allright, but all they sing about is love. Well, clearly, its a pretty major theme. I don't ponder love as often as I should I think, mostly I think about myself, and where my love is coming from, who's validating me, who is showing they care. Obviously a somewhat selfish way of thinking, if I think about love and myself I should be finding things to love and accept about me, so that I don't suck others dry of needing their love, so I can love others in a real way. Then there is the issue of my spirituality, God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, that whole bit, the unfathomable love, the kind we are lucky to get a glimpse of and truly experience. I can see why a lot of christians like to keep it pretty simple (and this would be me making generalizations and judgements about a group of people), but anyways I'm thinking of the folks who don't drink, smoke, have premarital sex, aren't gay, refrain from listening to secular music or watch R movies, and question everyone else's faith that do or are those things. They find a nice church, perhaps in the 'burbs, get involved somehow, the hospitality team, leading worship, childcare, helping with the youth group, whatever their spiritual gift leads them to do, they are part of the community, they are doing something to further spread the gospel, might even venture downtown and hand out some tracts, talk to that homeless guy and feel they might have planted a seed for his salvation. So what if they can't admit to the person next to them that they like the Stones (especially "paint it black"), that instead of fast forwarding through a sex scene in a movie they found it funny or beautiful or accurate, that they've lusted after the pastor or his wife or maybe both, had a few beers and a pack of smokes the night before with some buddies, that they really have little idea what's going on in the world simply because they are a human, what they do know is they want some love and understanding from other humans.
I accepted Jesus into my heart back when I was in sixth grade I think, I went to some summer bible deal with a friend of mine. I don't remember going to church with my family after the age of about five. My best friend growing up was involved in church, the same church I accepted christ in, so I started going with her more frequently, got involved with youth group, went on missions trips that whole thing, then proceeded onto private Christian college. I really had a great youth pastor in high school, he wasn't afraid to throw out some really tough questions. I had that experience in college, the other students and administration were tough to deal with sometimes, but there are professors there that aren't afraid to question and challenge. I found a niche there, friends to be real with, a church where the pastors will join you for some drinks after, who you can bum a couple smokes from, and talk to. But then there is all that thinking, the more you think about things the less you know, the more you realize the state of the world the more clear it becomes that you are doing jack, the more you think about love, the more you realize you are going about it all wrong, and that there are no easy ways of figuring out the right.

anticipating the subzero

the forecast says it will be -5 degrees for a high on friday, the low is a balmy -18 degrees, looks about the same on Sat, and that is w/o windchill. If I can help it, I will hibernate as much as possible Sat. unfortunately I have to work on friday, here's to hoping my car starts. I seemed to remember from years past that we in MN have one really cold snap in winter, at least in the southern part, but my memory must be fooling me, only allowing the good things to remain. Oh, and looks like we can expect some freezing rain and snow, hooray! At least thursday the expected high went from -1 to 3 above.

Last night's bachelorette was pretty good, I roped Olvia into watching it with me. 2 hours is a little long when the only thing we really wanted to see was the guy passing out during the rose ceremony. Kentucky guy was hilarious, she should have kept him around at least for the drunken antics.

I accidentally set my clock an hour ahead this morning so I was all ready to go to work and realized I was way early, so I went to get some coffee, quite nice, I'm thinking about doing that more often if I can actually get out of bed, it is a nice start to the day.

ugh, I feel like....

We had a small "housewarming" last night, throughout the course of the evening I managed to spill wine on my 8 month pregnant buddy, and then got completely trashed and obnoxious. I feel like I'm the only one in my group of friends that gets noticably drunk, Jenni I can't really tell when she's drunk, ever, Olivia gets a little more talkative I guess. Maybe it's just in my head, it is difficult to tell when others are intoxicated when you yourself are intoxicated.

I almost hate to admit this, but the bachelorette with Jen is starting tonight and I'm pretty excited about it.

oh, and by the way

I learned yesterday that the cold air mass in MN is keeping us from getting all the snow the rest of the midwest has had dumped on them. I guess I'll take a couple subzero days if it means I don't have to deal with crazy snow.

confused

We think our oven is leaking gas, I think the fumes are affecting our thinking, I called the landlord today, he is checking it out, he didn't think it smells like anything is leaking, but when we have cooked anything our eyes and nostrils have been burning, something is not right. In any case he is calling the gas company to come out and take a look. If Olivia gets spontaneously married and starts having babies as a result of the gas leak killing her brain cells, I will be peeved.

I got up early in enough time to make it to work definately on time, decided why start being on time now, and went to the coffee shop instead for a bit, so was a half hour late to work. I'm a horrible employee, yet they love me here.

I finally got my gift from my coworker, it is the book "Stitch and Bitch Nation" with "funkier" patterns for knitting. I'm quite excited, although I only know how to crochet, not knit, so the first "Stitch and Bitch" would have been more helpful, but now that us girls are prepared to begin our knitting group, we can work together to figure out the patterns. The deal is my first project has to be a scarf for my coworker. My goal is to someday do a sweater. Good grief, and I still have to finish my brother's hat to cover his nasty dreds that he's trying to grow. White people should not have dreds, my brother should definately not have dreds.

Philly 2005 is coming up much quicker than I thought, in like a week, a good road trip out east in the middle of winter can only do a girl some good, and I was pleased to find a reasonably priced flight home. Philly cheesesteak, I hear they are the best, fujalicious and I are pumped. I may have a little time to poke around Boston as well.

by the way

it is cold as balls in these parts

snoop

I really like that snoop dogg song, "drop it like it's hot"

failure

So I got my hair cut and paid full price, oh well. I was powerless to stop it, those cursed pectorals and nice tatooed forearms...

In trying to organize my room, which is not a good idea when coming off a beer buzz, I ran across some old college papers and read my personal case analysis (a synopsis of my personality and what I think determining factors are) to myself then my roomate and her friend. First of all I realized that I was, although as honest as possible, pretty negative about myself, and second that I haven't changed all that much in the five years or so since I wrote it.

Two questions that I don't like....Why are you so quiet, and why don't you have a boyfriend. If you really want the answer to those questions you better block out a chunk of time, nor are they mutually exclusive. Short answer, because I am and I have a big nose.

Well, don't have much excitement in my life, Jenni and I are keeping it drama free in 2005, unlike our buddy Olivia, who leads the sordid lifestyle, hehe. I had my first tutoring gig yesterday, It went well and I think it will be a fun year, my tutee is so cute and charming.

one more thing

Why do poeple insist on putting nuts in/on everything, fudge, brownies, cheeseballs, although I guess a cheesball isn't a cheeseball without the nuts, more of a cheese spread, but, I digress...NOT EVERYONE LIKES NUTS!

just my opinion

Somehow closing the blinds and not being blinded by the sun has made me hear better, must be some weird sensory thing.

some praise

I just want to take a minute to give a shout out to my co-worker Angela, she has only worked here a couple months, but she's a very giving individual and very humorous. Since I've met her she's given me rides and jumped my car when it's been out of order, and is so excited about my new DVD player that she's giving me her RF modulater and loaning me some DVD's, along with giving me assertiveness lessons. Oh, and she just insisted I copy her Ashlee Simpson CD onto my computer. I work with some very cool women.

nervous

I'm getting my hair "trimmed" tomorrow, which I'm nervous about 1. because when I called to make the appointment they didn't seem to know what I was asking for, just a trim because Matt said it was part of my cut and free, but she sounded confused so I hope I don't get charged some huge amount. 2. If I'm not charged how do I give a tip, I feel weird just slipping Matt a five spot or something, but I don't know how else to do it, unless they do charge me and then I'll just add it in. I know I'm way overthinking this, but this is what I do and why people think I'm weird, but, Matt's pectorals, yummy....

New year's eve was most uneventful, I donned my whatever those plasticy pants are, an old long sleeve shirt and a sweater, moved some more stuff, was instructed on how to adjust the heat (In doing so my landlord, to demonstrate that the vent can in fact close, unbeknownst to me left the vent closed in my room, which was consequently cold as balls), and camped out on the couch with 3/4 of a beer (my third) asleep by 10:30, was awoken by drunk roomate and male companion around 2:30, chatted and drank my warm beer then retired to my quarters. Was up early, hangover free to complete the last leg of moving and cleaning the hellhole, which I'm finally and officialy rid of, and it feels quite nice.

Breakups left and right, nasty business, I shall relish the fact that I'm living single and fairly drama free, although someone to kiss at midnight would have been nice, ah well....