my brain does exist, fancy that

Lately I have felt all mushy in the head, like things weren't really connecting or maybe I just haven't been wanting to think anymore because it gets overwhelming sometimes. Sad that I can get overwhelmed using only 10% (if that) of my brain, imagine if I was using 12%, just that little increase would really screw me up. This month our church has had a Theologian in Residence, James Alison. While he's been here he has preached, had a retreat, and also taught a four session class. I went to the final class last night with Olivia, who has been to all of them, and I regret not signing up for all. The class, along with his sermons are a lot to process, but it's a good processing that gives you this peaceful feeling rather than scrambling around hoping to reach the right conclusion yet feeling as though you have no clue where to begin. There was a lot of valuable ideas presented, and he has a way with imagery that is so helpful in visualizing God's role in life. Learning from him helps me to be comfortable in my grayness, my inability to know everything, helps me to feel less pressure to act, to relax, the ability to be free and creative in our faith, and this from a scholar who has studied theology, who knows his shit. Something that also struck me was him talking about rewriting our story, how we rely on our stories as our sense of self. But at some point those stories don't have a hold on us anymore and we become renewed with a truer story. That's some good stuff. Not that my short recap here does any justice.

To continue on with our pursuit of knowledge my friend group is starting a book club, and I am undeniably excited. I much prefer the idea of a book club to something like a Bible study, Bible studies have felt like a chore to me in the past, and if I didn't feel like studying the Bible I was a bad person, although I always get something out of quality time with friends discussing that which is beyond our selves, and I always have something that I'm reading. And all of us are always asking have you read such and such, so if we are all reading such and such it will be so much easier for us to engage in conversation about such and such rather than the person who is reading such and such trying to explain the depth of knowledge being gained, the other person likely not grasping it and then giving up saying "well its good, you should read it".

Everyone at work seems crabby

Apparently there has been a spike in crime near our home. Apparently yesterday their was a drunk man hanging out in the entryway (their are two doors, the first is unlocked and the second is locked and there is a small space in between) of our house just sitting and having a smoke. Apparently he got angry and went ranting down the street when our landlord told him to leave. That's great. I experienced something similar last summer when I went out to my car only to discover a new crackhead friend just chillin' donning only wet (don't want to know why) shorts and dirty socks. However he left (with much effort and little coherence) when asked and without any outbursts of anger or violence. I haven't exactly lived in the safest of neighborhoods in the past so a little crime doesn't freak me out too much, but now I live in Uptown, which I always have thought of as being crime free for the most part. I mean its in the city and of course there is some activity, but certainly not incidents every day of the week blocks from my home. Ah well, what can you do other than be more aware, my mom did give me this keychain thing that makes a really loud piercing sound when you pull the pin, so maybe I should start carrying that around with me. It is far too bulky to actually be a keychain though.

what I do on wednesday nights

These are pictures of Adventure Club at my lovely Jenny's church where she is employed. I get paid to hang out with the kids so don't think I'm too much of a do-gooder or that I just love children, I don't volunteer my time like the others. Anyways last night was the last night and Danielle had taken some pics.

Jenny with Rhino, me with elephant
Originally uploaded by snielson.

Danielle, Jenny and I with wildlife
Originally uploaded by snielson.

Danielle and Gaye
Originally uploaded by snielson.

Justus observing
Originally uploaded by snielson.

Josh and elephant
Originally uploaded by snielson.

safari
Originally uploaded by snielson.

testing binoculors
Originally uploaded by snielson.

Julia with hula hoop
Originally uploaded by snielson.

I also need

to go to California, but we are getting a new computer program to admit patients and the transistion is taking place when I would go, so my manager at first did not approve my request, and now is "thinking about it". May is a month of training hell, and then I might not be able to got to California, that is a major letdown.

I need

Another person to host a partylite party, maybe my Stepmother. The only reason that I don't want to ask her is because I'm weird around my family, and I would have to talk and act confident and like a normal person. Otherwise I'm sure she'd do one and probably have good sales too.

I also need to update my resume, which I thought would be easy but is not very easy in fact I'm quite confused by the process. I haven't really had to use a resume before, my current job didn't require one although I gave one anyways. I'm afraid of the resume. It is difficult when you don't have any skills.

I'm starting to get excited about the possibility of quitting my job in the not so distant future, even if I don't go anywhere I'm going to quit and wait tables or something. Or become a full time partylite consultant, I will shout it from the rooftops, it will not be my best kept secret (remnants from the highly peppy meeting I attended on Saturday)

my hangout

my hangout
Originally uploaded by snielson.

My shoe that cripples me

Sally and Erica, Erica is the one that convinced me to become a partylite consultant

smoking monkeys and "nether beasts"

My co-worker Stef has been in rare form today, last week she showed me some computer art by a friend of hers of "nether beasts" and other fantastical creatures. Today she showed me an article about monkey's that have picked up a smoking habit, apparently due to sexual frustration (hmmm, maybe that's why I can't kick the habit....), and mentioned that Star Wars makes her cry.

I'm all shaky right now for some reason, I think that means I should leave, it really is too hard to type.

I have to babysit tonight. What I want to do is go to a art opening tonight, well, I can still go when I'm done babysitting but I'm afraid that the food and entertainment will be gone by that time.

I think my problem is is that I've been reading too many blogs where the writing is really good, and the ideas are thought provoking or wonderfully entertaining, and so I feel self concious about my writing. Not that I consider myself a writer at all, but of course I wouldn't mind being better at it than any other person, especially not even considering myself a writer, as if it was my hidden talent that just came to life through my blog. That along with a great singing voice or piano playing ability, or even the flute. I actually was a good flute player back when I first started, I was told I was the best in class and managed to maintain 2nd chair status for most of junior high without much effort or practice. As far as my singing voice....for some reason I thought it was pretty decent and so I was massively dissapointed when I didn't make concert choir my junior year of high school (cause then I would have been in it with Dan M., he would have fallen in love with me and made me deliriously happy). Nor did I make Caroler's, a select few individuals who would be chosen to well, carol, during holidays and they got to wear green or red capes and berets, they were the choir elite. I wanted this badly because Dan McGuire, who has a beautiful voice and was a caroler, would have been impressed by me and therefore would have fallen in love with me. Clearly this has messed up my entire existence.

now what?

I don't know. I'm tired and I'm feeling "under the weather". The day I can actually call in sick for legitimate sickness and I was supposed to train someone in. Then I get here and it turns out the guy isn't starting today, or any other day for some weird reason, so I came in for nothing. Actually I don't feel that bad, its just a little cold, it'd be nice though to lay in bed.

Been feeling a lack of inspiration lately, well, lots to think about but not a lot coming out in this here blog. I got to reading an old journal lately, apparently my way of amusing myself while I don't have a TV. I might post some of my mind blowing, life changing ideas about self and the world around me soon for my fans to read. Meanwhile I continue to ramble on about nothing much. I could write about my sisters, ok, I will write about my sisters then. I read an old journal entry regarding my lack of closeness to my sisters these days. First of all my oldest sister, Romaine, is 12 years older than me, my other sister, Noelle, is a year younger than her, so my clear memories of childhood with them start with them leaving for college. The highlight of my youth is when they would come home and spend time with me, and they genuinely seemed to enjoy spending time with me. As a youngster I had a few strikes against me when it came to making friends with my peers. First my innate shyness, second that I lived in the country so pretty much had no social life before school other than trying to tag along with my brother and they just thought I was annoying, third that I was probably actually annoying and weird, fourth that I was hopelessly not stylish not to mention unkempt. My mom was depressed, my parents were divorcing, so I think my mom felt as long as I had clothes on to that was good enough and she didn't want to fight me about stuff like brushing my hair , which I would be a brat about, or anything else hygiene related. So anyways, my sisters would hang out with me, take me to do fun things. We'd make cookies, go to the park, go sledding, get ice cream, go to movies. I think about that now and I'm kind of surprised that they made that much effort with me, and that effort makes them significant people in my life. I see now that they were in school or working or traveling, had their lives and studies, yet still made time for me.

Then they both moved away to different states around the time I was starting high school, and since then I only see them once maybe twice a year, and rarely talk to them outside of holidays and birthdays and other significant events. I no longer feel as comfortable to be myself around them, I feel it when I talk to them, the surface conversation. It makes me sad but I know it is much my fault, and just life in general, and they have their families and busy-ness. In any case I love and appreciate them.

Well, that was not as inspired as I had hoped, but oh well.

Hey, I think I have 5 out of the 6 parties that I need to start my partylite!

look

I changed the colors, isn't that fun

templates

I don't suppose anyone could give me any tips on how to change my template. I found a template I like but have pretty much no knowledge of html, so I don't know how to fix it with my title and whatnot.

Rachel sulking but smiling because I'm taking her picture. She usually sulks for at least a good half hour when her parents leave. She didn't used to, but she apparently is going through a phase, or maybe just dislikes me. I think she likes me though, she usually plays nicely with me after she is done sulking.

hey

I got my messenger back, HA!

although I doubt it will last long

well

my mind is blank, actually I think its too busy processing the painful situations occuring of late to people that I care about. Wondering how good a friend I'm being, what I can do better, or maybe I'm worrying too much about it all.

Too bad I don't have a TV.

my new ride

I just bought a used bike, the guy just came to my office to make the exchange, he smelled and lacked teeth, but he seemed nice enough and said he'd fix the bike if ever I had problems. I must admit it has been a while since I've actually ridden a bike.

the tragedy

My TV broke this weekend, right before fresh episodes of gilmore girls and one tree hill!! Ok, so maybe Olivia is right and I watch a little too much TV, I personally don't think so (or I'm just justifying), I have my shows I like to watch certain evenings but for the most part I can take it or leave it, but its still nice to have to watch movies or bust out a couple episodes of Felicity or SATC. Angela at work volunteered to give me her old (meaning 1970's, no remote, have to turn the knob by hand) TV, which I will probably not pick up til this weekend, so I do have to amuse myself in other ways this week, I'm sure it will be good for me. I love that I'm basically the office Goodwill, anyone around here knows that I'm usually willing to take any old junk off their hands, just in the past year I've acquired a sofa, clothes, dishware, a down comforter, coffee maker, pots and pans, and now a TV, and of course the ever handy RF modulator.

The Wailer's show was very good, they didn't play Natty Dread, but thats ok. We drank too much, enuf said.

This woman that I'm corresponding with about this position in philly keeps addressing me as Nelson in her emails. I'm not sure if I should correct her now, or just send my resume and let her figure it out. She probably doesn't even know I'm a woman.

I need to continue to learn to keep my mouth shut.

rollout

So apparently I'm to send my resume and fill out an application for this position in Philly so that I can maybe have an interview and possibly start early next year. It would be for Catholic organization that does community outreach. So I'm pretty excited to get the ball rolling for this cause it is something I'm definately interested in. Why Philly you ask? Because I'm too chicken to try for NY, yet its close enough to NY so that I can easily go there. There are also a few art schools in Philly, including one where my idol Alice Neel went (Moore college of art), in case I decide to go to grad school. And it's the city of brotherly love.

Not to mention the excitement of starting my own Partylite business! Actually I'm nervous about it because I have to schedule 6 shows in 2 weeks and I just have decided certain people will do a show but haven't exactly asked them, and its also coming up like mid-end of may. There is no cash investment so really I have nothing to lose and if I decide I don't like it after those 2 weeks I don't have to continue doing it, plus I get to keep all the stuff they give you in the starter kit and make a decent chunk of change. I might make a fool of myself trying to sell candles and candle accessories but oh well.

Nobody seems to be blogging much, what's the deal?? I go through my blogroll and hope for new posts of anything interesting or even mundane and I come up mostly empty. Maybe some people actually have work to do.

Plan for the weekend: Looks like it is supposed to rain, I hope to get out to the lake and run, well probably run/walk since I haven't excercised in a while. Tomorrow night Sally, Jenni, myself and maybe Carissa will go see the Wailers (formerly of Bob Marley and the Wailers) at first ave. I met a former Wailer once, it was cool, I watched a video that showed him on stage with Bob Marley.

speaking of Philly

I inquired about a couple of Americorps positions that looked interesting in Philly. I heard back from one, their program starts in the summer, so I wouldn't be able to start until next year assuming I was offered the position. In any case, I'm looking more deeply into it so I can start to formulate a plan.

Some random photos from my trip to Philly like a millenium ago

Killing time in Boston at The Littlest Bar, with my friend Bella the
mini dog

Me and Fuj at a Starbucks in Boston

Me and my very first Philly Cheesesteak, enjoyed at Jim's Steaks

so I figured it out

My car didn't have heat because there was no antifreeze, I first noticed the heat issue at least a month ago, and when I drove home for easter a couple weeks ago it was working intermittently. So thats at least a solid 2 weeks that my car has been driven w/o antifreeze cuz I (actually a nice man at the gas station) put some in last week when I drove my mom home, probably the cause for it almost not starting. I know the dangers of driving an overheating car b/c I ruined my Dad's car that way in HS, lets just say I drove the car with billowing steam escaping from the hood on more than one occasion. I don't think it needs to be said that my father was unhappy about that, yelling about how red=danger, not to mention he told me what to do about it but I was too lazy or too much in a hurry to do what I was supposed to. So now I'm kind of freaked out that I wrecked my car, it seems to be running okay now, and the heat is working again, fancy that! You would think one would have thought to check that out when I first noticed the problem, but no, I just went on my merry way. Smart, real smart.

Okay, for real this time I'm jogging this weekend, maybe even friday.

I watched Closer the other day, an uplifting film about love and betrayal. It was good though. Betrayal, always a good time, more nicely referred to as a "learning experience", or an "opportunity for personal growth".

I love the show Felicity, if only I had the WE channel I could watch it daily at 6, but at least I can get it from Netflix.

I thought long and hard

about calling in sick this morning, rainy, dark, chilly outside, me feeling exhausted. The guilt of letting my coworkers pick up my slack overwhelmed me though, and I managed to go through my morning routine and arrive at work, half hour late as usual. Usually I stay long enough to make up for my lateness but going home with flicks and/or felicity episodes is tempting me to leave early. I used to have a day off during the week, but have been working full time the past few months because I need to, but I sure do miss my extra day off. At least I have blogs to entertain me throughout my day.

The weekend was great, Sarah Fuj. was here, the weather was great, I hung out for a big chunk of Sunday with Jenni and Todd and learned that hanging out with a married couple can be allright. The only bummer was the snot kid who wouldn't let Fuj and I try out his scooter, then he rode past us smugly, pants flapping in the wind. Oh and also the snot kid I babysit, Rachel, she's actually very fun and I love her, but she was nasty this weekend, I needed nanny 911.

Random pics from Alex and Rachel's wedding

Sarah and her son

Olivia, Coby, and handsome groom Alex

shouldn't you be worried??

I just ate a steak chipotle, soooo yummy. Chipotle reminds me of the capoeira house, which is a house that Sarah C. and I would go to after Salsa dancing at first ave. This was the home of Master Yoji, or Yoshi (who teaches capoeria, hence "capoeria house") I'm not really sure how you spell it, but he is brazilian, and his roomates were also from South America, well, except one....Anyways, they all loved Chipotle. Those were fun times, probably not times of most healthy behavior from Sarah or myself, but fun nonetheless.

After I hung out and ate pizza/drank beer and scanned pics and bitched about work with Holly last night, I picked my mom up from the airport last night around 11 p.m., then drove her home to Faribault (about a 45 min. drive). Since it was late I kind of expected my mom to insist that I stay at her place and drive back in the morning. Not that I really wanted to, but I was tired and she always worried about me driving late at night in the past, and my car barely started when I was leaving her house, but no, she practically insisted I drive back to Mpls. I'm pretty sure my mom loves me, so I'm over it, but it was just strange, shouldn't she have been worried?? I think she was preoccupied with her cat. I let her cat out on accident once and we couldn't find her and I thought my mom was going to disown me, she was screaming at me hysterically and freaking out.

Such a busy weekend, tonight I chill with Fuj, we will drink beer and use Mary Kay face products and watch silly movies, perhaps "Girls just wanna have fun" or something to that effect. Tomorrow, I work, then babysit, and at some point I want to get some clothes and go to home depot, which I can do on Sunday if I don't go to Duluth like I hope to.

fat

last night I weighed myself, at first the scale said I had gained 20 lbs, then went down to 15 lbs heavier than what I was about a month ago. I was like umm, I don't think so, I can still button my pants with ease, so I stepped off and back on, this time it was just under 10 lbs heavier than what I thought I weighed. I'm kinda hoping that the scale is broken, (I was babysitting so it isn't my scale). Either way its a kick in the ass to get off my ass and get back into some exercise.

My throat doesn't hurt anymore.

Fujipants a.k.a, FP, a.k.a Fujalicious a.k.a Sarah is blessing MN with her arrival tonight for the weekend, yay!

things...

things that suck:

-being broke most of the time

-subzero temperatures and massive amounts of snow, darkness

-car trouble or accidents or getting tickets

-public transpotation in the twin cities

-feeling stuck

-making mistakes that have life altering consequences

-missing people

-feeling emotional pain that causes you to be unable to eat or sleep

-having something stolen from you, or losing something of value

-getting a disease, an injury, or any other weird medical issue

-when a person or relationship doesn't turn out to be what you expected or hoped

-much more that I can't comprehend because my life is better than I give it credit for

things that are lovely:

-changing seasons

-getting something good unexpectedly

-making connections with people and maintaining them, i.e. having fantastic friends

-traveling

-walruses

-children

-food, alchohol and good conversation

-feeling loving and loved

-reading, writing, music, hearing poetry, dancing, making, sharing and experiencing art

-learning

-faith

-hoping, and realizing things are allright

...this concludes my cheesy sentimental post of the day

I lied

Jenni did not make me drink Vodka tonics on sunday, I chose to drink them myself, she just made the suggestion of what to drink. Love you Jenni!!

I'm actually considering becoming a partylite consultant.

My throat hurts, which either means I smoke too much, or I smoke too much and I'm getting sick. I can't remember the last time I was actually sick, been over a year for sure.

no time to blog, gotta work today, we are super far behind and its close of business today!

you were right

damn it Jenni, you were right...

ladies if this doesn't bring you back to junior high, I don't know what will (assuming you are around the same age as me)

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Chorus

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

I think I'm going to hell

I apologize in advance to any fans of Todd Friel, and this post really isn't about him per se but more my personal "journey of faith" and how I feel about God and whatnot. These days I don't think nearly as much, about God or anything else. Reading through my archives to find something to submit for the "Great Experiment" was a fun experience, and this is a nice summary of stuff I was thinking about 4 years ago. Go to the "Great Experiment" to read the other entries and cast your vote!


Yesterday I linked to this guy, Todd Friel through Jenell's blog, he does a christian radio talk show. I listened to the clip where he talks to 2 young gay men, one of which is a Christian. First about gay marriage and the tension between homosexuals and conservative Christians, and then about their faith in general. As far as gay marriage goes, I'm not sure what business it is of Christians to create laws against it based on their personal religious beliefs, same sex marriages do not infringe on anyone else's rights as far as I can tell, I don't understand why it is even an issue. I know I'm supposed to believe as a Christian that being gay is a sin because it is in the bible, but I don't really. Something about either expecting those who are gay to either remain celebate throughout life, denying themselves truly intimate relationships, or to make an attempt to marry the opposite sex disturbs me. I'm listening to this guy and he goes around with this air about him, he knows what it is to be born again, he even has a ten question quiz! I do respect that he is clear about his beliefs and not hesitant to communicate them to whoever will listen, and is for the most part respectful towards those who he talks to and expects them to give solid answers supporting whatever they believe.

I live in a world of gray issues, which I don't know if that is good or bad, I know relativity gets under the skin of evangelicals, but that is how I think. I often wish I would take more of a stand have more of a strong opinion, and maybe it is my lack of confidence that prevents that. To me this guy is arrogant, his feeble human mind seems to know an awful lot about the mind of God in such absolutes, yet at the same time I don't get a sense from his show that I would want to know this guy, I wouldn't feel comfortable having him as an intimate friend who I could really talk to about anything, although maybe others can. I remember sitting in church in high school, and the church I went to was a decent community and I felt accepted for the most part, but I also put on a front in order to be what I thought was acceptable there. Meanwhile, I would listen to the sermon and be near tears because I felt so horrible that I wasn't measuring up, that I'm not "on fire" for the Lord. It seemed so overwhelming the things I should be doing, thinking, feeling that I wasn't, what I was doing, thinking, feeling that I shouldn't be, and there weren't many there I felt I could talk to about that without some judgement. It is still overwhelming, I don't know who or what is right half the time, most of the time, am I supposed to?? I sure as hell hope not, I just want to have faith that God is with me, understanding me, knowing me, getting pissed at my stupid decisions that hurt me and others. However, loving me despite, in much the same way that my best friends or family does, the same way I feel towards them, only infinitely better. I don't feel good about repenting for sins that I know full well I will do the next day, or an hour or five min. even., nor do I want to obsess over my sin and eternal damnation, I want to live to the fullest of my created self, whatever that may be, unless it's supposed to be like Todd, or other evangelicals I hear and observe. So in that case I'm probably going to hell.

Not that I know Todd personally, I'm sure he's a fine individual, doing Christ's work.

and we laughed

at the couple who was going to Tropix, no offense to those out there that enjoy an evening at Tropix.

I went out with Sally this weekend, was actually social for the first time it seems in months, I shouldn't say I'm not social, but my social life has mostly consisted of sitting at a bar with a close buddy, talking, drinking and such, as opposed to "going out", which I don't do as often as I used to. However it has been winter, I'm usually broke, not to mention personal and friend issues/changes. Anyways, we went to a gallery opening fri. night where I hoped the owner would recognize me seeing as how I was one of the few that few showed up to that intimate artist lecture not too long ago, like I was one of maybe ten people other than the artist's themselves, but no, he complimented Sally's hat and asked if we'd been there before. Then we went to Cafe Havana and lusted after various employees of said establishment, and scored drinks from MD's. Proceeded onto First Ave., where we seriously busted various moves, particularly the white man overbite, Sally's fave. I mean, our talent is awe-inspiring. Sally once again worked her charm on yet another sexy artist, no I'm not at all jealous, I'm totally not attracted to sexy artist types, nope not at all. If only I could breakdance, then I'd be cool, I lack just about any strength in my forearm, or arm arm for that matter.

Sat. I vegetated watching Harry Potter, while working through various paperwork that I have to fill out for various things. Sally declined taking up an offer for dinner at Capital Grille by some random dude we met briefly at first ave. (as can be seen Sally is quite beautiful and charming), so instead she and I and Carissa and Katie went to Rudolphs, not quite as nice as Capital Grille, well, I think anyways, I have never nor will probably ever go to the Capital Grille because it is far too expensive.
Yesterday I witnessed the blessed union of Alex and Rachel, and learned what my ideal role is as a woman in the eyes of God. Jenni made me drink vodka tonics until I got tipsy and started saying inappropriate things, or somewhat bitchy things apparently. Everyone was infatuated with Sarah's baby.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell, pics coming soon.

untitled part 3 or Lenny

I have a hankering to hear Lenny Kravitz, "It ain't over til its over" something fierce.

My sculpture prof. said that using untitled as a title was being lazy.

untitled part 2

Mitch Hedberg died, although I'm not real familiar with his work, he whose name shall not be mentioned was a fan, and what I do know of Mr. Hedberg he was a very funny man and a St. Paul native. Sad.

untitled

I can't think of titles, I'm barely functioning. I fell asleep on the sofa watching SATC and woke up around 4:30, unable to sleep so watched more SATC. The last episode when Carrie is in Paris and reunites with Big is so good, it brought a tear to my eye. I'm sad that I'm done with it, time to move on to Felicity.

I'm going to an art opening tonight, I need a nap first though. I want to not look like hell when I go, as I do right now, bloodshot eyes, gross looking hair, etc.

My party was fun, a couple coworkers/friends came, Alyssa and Holly, and Jenni and Sally, so it was an intimate gathering. I did in fact get tipsy, and asked Sally if she would smoke pot with me sometime, which I will probably get ragged on at work about excessively until the day I quit. Maybe I should be a partylite consultant. I'll think about it.

Jenni and I talked about our tiff last week and came to a better understanding of why we pissed eachother off, it was nice. I missed the last day before the smoking ban, I thought it was yesterday but it was the day before.