I think I'm going to hell

I apologize in advance to any fans of Todd Friel, and this post really isn't about him per se but more my personal "journey of faith" and how I feel about God and whatnot. These days I don't think nearly as much, about God or anything else. Reading through my archives to find something to submit for the "Great Experiment" was a fun experience, and this is a nice summary of stuff I was thinking about 4 years ago. Go to the "Great Experiment" to read the other entries and cast your vote!


Yesterday I linked to this guy, Todd Friel through Jenell's blog, he does a christian radio talk show. I listened to the clip where he talks to 2 young gay men, one of which is a Christian. First about gay marriage and the tension between homosexuals and conservative Christians, and then about their faith in general. As far as gay marriage goes, I'm not sure what business it is of Christians to create laws against it based on their personal religious beliefs, same sex marriages do not infringe on anyone else's rights as far as I can tell, I don't understand why it is even an issue. I know I'm supposed to believe as a Christian that being gay is a sin because it is in the bible, but I don't really. Something about either expecting those who are gay to either remain celebate throughout life, denying themselves truly intimate relationships, or to make an attempt to marry the opposite sex disturbs me. I'm listening to this guy and he goes around with this air about him, he knows what it is to be born again, he even has a ten question quiz! I do respect that he is clear about his beliefs and not hesitant to communicate them to whoever will listen, and is for the most part respectful towards those who he talks to and expects them to give solid answers supporting whatever they believe.

I live in a world of gray issues, which I don't know if that is good or bad, I know relativity gets under the skin of evangelicals, but that is how I think. I often wish I would take more of a stand have more of a strong opinion, and maybe it is my lack of confidence that prevents that. To me this guy is arrogant, his feeble human mind seems to know an awful lot about the mind of God in such absolutes, yet at the same time I don't get a sense from his show that I would want to know this guy, I wouldn't feel comfortable having him as an intimate friend who I could really talk to about anything, although maybe others can. I remember sitting in church in high school, and the church I went to was a decent community and I felt accepted for the most part, but I also put on a front in order to be what I thought was acceptable there. Meanwhile, I would listen to the sermon and be near tears because I felt so horrible that I wasn't measuring up, that I'm not "on fire" for the Lord. It seemed so overwhelming the things I should be doing, thinking, feeling that I wasn't, what I was doing, thinking, feeling that I shouldn't be, and there weren't many there I felt I could talk to about that without some judgement. It is still overwhelming, I don't know who or what is right half the time, most of the time, am I supposed to?? I sure as hell hope not, I just want to have faith that God is with me, understanding me, knowing me, getting pissed at my stupid decisions that hurt me and others. However, loving me despite, in much the same way that my best friends or family does, the same way I feel towards them, only infinitely better. I don't feel good about repenting for sins that I know full well I will do the next day, or an hour or five min. even., nor do I want to obsess over my sin and eternal damnation, I want to live to the fullest of my created self, whatever that may be, unless it's supposed to be like Todd, or other evangelicals I hear and observe. So in that case I'm probably going to hell.

Not that I know Todd personally, I'm sure he's a fine individual, doing Christ's work.