antsy

I'm not sure if I can handle the next 1 1/2 hours.

We have a couple of new roomates, Lucy and George, Olivia's cats. I thought that I let them out on accident because the door was ajar, so I searched the rest of the house and didn't find them, turns out they were safely in the closet the whole time, but was freaking out a minute there.

Valet parking guy #1 is back, perhaps cuter guy was just filling in, bummer, he smiled whereas cute guy #1 notices not my existence.

Do I have a purpose in life? I know some seem to think my purpose is to hook them up with my attractive friends and that purpose gets old after a while. I should work on finding a more fulfilling purpose...

banned

I must officially ban myself from Ebay, before I end up homeless. I wonder if there is an Ebay anonymous

Took notice today of cute valet parking guy #2, I thought the first one was cute, but damn...Great, someone else to lust after from afar...

paranoia

Don't you hate it when someone gives you a look, like they know something about you you'd rather they not know, someone that you don't even know, or maybe I'm just paranoid...

inevitable distraction

I have done minimal amount of work this morning, unless you count making personal copies on the office copier, ordering contacts, trying to tape my shoe that I broke during the barn dance, and messing around with my new cell phone, causing it to expel a loud chimp sound work. One of the nurses here calls me Shawn, since I have worked here for 3+ years, and she has certainly heard my name pronounced on at least a few occasions, one would think that she'd get it....not that I mind, I find it humorous actually, something that along with her bouffant hairstyle is endearing.

Speaking of bouffant hairstyles, Olivia and I had planned on wearing wigs once a week out and about. I'm concerned that this may not actually happen since we are often a lot of talk and not much action, and she is leaving in a couple months. Who else will wear a wig with me, perhaps Cassie....

Bummer about my shoe, the tape isn't really holding, I tried electical tape because the shoe is black, they are just cheap sandals from Target, but I almost feel more loss when I ruin something that I got for a bargain price because it was such a good deal. Perhaps I can find something on Ebay, or duct tape might work, or super glue.

I finished a book, "Loving Donovan" last night, it brought a tear to my eye. The book itself probably wasn't the best book I ever read, although I guess it did the trick since it evoked an emotional response. Its just that the storytelling was fragmented, like it delved into certain aspects of a character's life for a couple chapters, then would leave that character altogether, except for the 2 main characters. I suppose that was probably the point, but I was left wishing the characters had been fleshed out more. So there is my book review for the day.

actions and words

I wonder how some people don't get that your words have to followed up by actions for your words to carry any weight. I say things I don't mean, I try not to do it often, but I think generally when I am sincere I follow through, my actions line up, and if I'm insincere, I don't expect to be taken at face value. Just something I think about from time to time because sometimes the other person doesn't understand why even though they may say something that it can be hard to believe if it isn't shown, seems to be common sense to me...

so I heard

from the Americorps lady, she called a few minutes ago. Unfortunately she is looking for someone to start in July/August, which I can't do, and it would have been so perfect b/c she wants someone to engage children with art, so I would be working with someone else to develop a youth oriented program, but the good news is that she seemed pretty willing to hire me w/o an interview or anything, and said that we should keep in touch. I'm more looking for something in the spring of next year, so I can attempt to save up some money, and try to get as debt free as possible.

As I mentioned previously, I'm trying to pick up as many hours as I can to earn some extra cash, so I'm finding my time being sucked away by work, which is sad to me, I prefer to work as little as possible. So I'm picking up some extra admin. responsibility at Jenny's church, in addition to being her assistant, when I'd prefer to be outdoors enjoying my summer. I just have to focus on my time in California, no agenda, no work, only sun and play. So many things to look forward to; Fuj is visiting in July, CA, the return of the prodigal Cassie in august....

Well, good grief, I should just not even start with Ebay, I think I'm just going to browse for minute, which as anyone who loves Ebay (who doesn't) knows just isn't going to happen.

steamy

and I'm not just talking weather, Matt did not dissapoint, his biceps and tattoo were displayed nicely by his ribbed white tank. For that I will forgive him for flat ironing my hair every time I get a cut lately, it just makes my hair look, well, flat.


I also observed yesterday my lack of ability to make intelligible sentences when I'm sober and talking to someone I don't know very well, magnified if the person is handsome (such as Matt). Seriously, I mix up syllables and stutter before I can get out something that makes any sort of sense, as usual I just decide that it comes off as endearing, and try not think I'm a moron.

I did indeed go shopping, and was treated to a "complimentarty lip makeover" by the "makeup artist" at Victoria Secret. No offense but she was in serious need of a tic tac, especially when you are going to be in someone's personal space to apply layers of lip stuff, she could also stand to tone down her makeup a tad. I almost never wear lipstick, if put anything on its usually a gloss, but I felt bad for her. I also began my search for a bathing suit....not entirely horrifying, but I can't wear anything that exposes my belly, I'm too self concious, and I prefer the tankini to a one piece. My only store option is JC Penny's b/c I have a gift card there and I'm otherwise broke, but they had limited tankini options unfortunately, if only I had a nicely toned stomach, I would even settle for flabby if it was distributed nicely, but alas, too much beer does not a flat belly make...

musty

my down coat smells musty cause I washed it, and apparently didn't dry it enough, I washed and dried it twice, so if anyone has any advice on de-mustifying a down coat I'd appreciate it. My current plan is to put it outside and hopefully air it out.

I'm getting my hair cut today, hopefully Matt will be wearing attire that reveals his toned pectorals.

Was feeling kind of down last night, sad and rejected, and I don't think watching "Taxi Driver" or reading my depressing book helped much. However, today is the first day of Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale so I'm going to shop my sorrows away. I take things too personally, and I have a tendency to think the worst scenario. I think I enjoy it in some way, my pity party, there is something satisfying about it.

still feeling

like a dork, especially since I totally biffed on the sidewalk as I was leaving work yesterday, said a profanity, gathered the items that fell from my bag, and desperately hoped the cute valet parking guy had already left for the day. I must have pulled something because my leg is sore and I'm hobbling around, like a dork.

No wonder I can't get a date, wait, I could get a date, I was in fact asked out last night, however, the fine fella's that show interest in me are generally strange. I'm into strange to a degree, I like interesting and different folk, and I like to believe that I'm open minded, we can be friends, thats cool, but when it comes to engaging in an intimate relationship I like to be with someone that I don't listen to and think, "hey that is really interesting, but also very strange", almost the entire time. Then when I really am interested in someone I clam up and act like a bumbling moron for the most part, I have a hard time getting comfortable, until I've had a few and then I act like a moron of a different manner, which I'm certain is very attractive. And I think I take the cake in meeting men with weird ass names.

I bought a ticket to California!!!! I can't tell you how excited I am, I will be in the sun a solid nine days, with no agenda, and I'm broke, but I am really good at pretending I have money, and of course QT with Sally, even though she surely looks better in a bikini than I do.

feeling like

I've pretty much been feeling like a dork, I like to think I've become less dorky over the years, but there is still much dorkiness to overcome. ah well.

why can't my power go out

so that I have a legitimate excuse for sleeping in and being late? Some people have all the luck. A nice rainy day today to laze about and sleep in. Even after having my glorious two days off I feel exhausted today, I suppose b/c I tried to be somewhat productive yesterday, cleaning (disinfecting the bike finally) did a little work, watched star wars episode II, assembled my antique brass stand, a jaunt to chipotle with roomie, well, when I condense it like that it doesn't sound like much, oh, I also went grocery shopping, these things add up ya know.

Someone got to my blog by googling partylite sucks. Well, I wouldn't disagree, I never was much of a fan of the various "party's", where your supposed to buy something, but I've never had a horrible time at one, and if people like the stuff (even if it is overpriced), then they should feel free to buy it. I haven't made much money from the endeavor, for various reasons, but I do have a bunch of candle stuff and an antique brass stand to show for it.

I did go see digable planets over the weekend, they put on a good show, and I was blessed with the company of my good friend Jenni. We drank responsibly, enjoyed the music, and were saddened by lack of diversity at the show (too many white people, and yes, I realize that I am a white person) I suppose my brother is right, hip hop is trendy. I haven't been trashed in fact, since Sally left, well, except for that time at the RD w/Olivia, yeah, yeah I know we vowed to not drink too much, we decided it was okay since it was just us girls.

I keep starting posts that might actually be interesting, then I give up on them, maybe soon I'll actually write something worth reading. Until then, I apologize...

dominican pics

a little too much Presidente

Alberto, Angel, and David
Originally uploaded by snielson.

hot as balls

Hot, humid and stormy last night, although I slept like a babe through the stormy part, previously I was sitting on the porch at dusk enjoying a smoke and a glass of wine, noticing how everything was so lush and green, and the air felt so good as opposed to our steamy apartment. For a brief moment I was reminded of the Dominican, or maybe not the place necessarily but the feeling of engaged senses, when I was there, all my senses were alive and every emotion was felt it seemed all the time. Where "the girls" all met, although I wouldn't say our friendships really gelled until after we got back. You know how it is though, there is a certain quality in the air, the light diffuses a certain way, and you are present in the moment, alive and aware. The moment may be brief or long, alone or with friends or strangers, but you know that is how every moment should be felt if you are really living, that it is felt is enough, the beauty and/or the pain appreciated. I say I wish I could live all the time like that, but I don't know if I even have the capacity.

dream on

Depeche Mode always brings me back to the Dominican Republic, sitting in Papa Jacks with my presidente.

Over a beer and a gin and tonic, Olivia and I resolved to drink in moderation since we both tend to drink more than necessary, mostly because we are shy and insecure and it helps us deal with other people. The times, they are a-changing, Changs is closed, our post church hangout (or any other time hangout), completely out of the blue, they had one of the best patio's.

I remembered to put on deodorant today, no fear. I am in desperate need of a haircut, I'd like to get a color as well, but I don't know if I can afford such extravagances in my state of financial despair. I could sell my plasma maybe, just a few times for a haircut, and a ticket to California.

here I am....

At work on a beautiful sunday. I did get a chance to emerge outdoors to walk down to McDonald's. I must admit I'm having some B.O. issues today and am slightly embarassed about it, trying to decide if I should stop at home and put on some deodorant or just go straight to church as was my original plan. I don't think I'm too offensive, I often don't wear deoderant actually, I just don't think to put it on frankly, so far no one has said anything. I'll probably just go straight to church. Just in case you were wondering about my hygiene habits and likely think that it is heniously disgusting that I don't put on deoderant on a regular basis. What can I say, I'm a natural woman. Wow, this may seem surprising to my vast readership, but I just now realized I can change the font on this thing.

I was in O-town this weekend a.k.a. my hometown of Owatonna. I was reminded again of my love for Brenda and how I wish we were as close as we used to be. I finished going through my old stuff at the farm, came across a story I had written in HS about working at McDonald's. Oh how we used to be obsessed with McDonald's, Jenny P. and I. We once stayed up all night composing a letter/complaint of how things had changed from when we had first started working there, as well as myself writing something like a five page letter to the management about my frustration at not being promoted to crew trainer. But the paper I'm referring to was for my pre-college comp. class and I'm somewhat impressed by myself. My old buddy Kris and his wife are expecting, very soon in fact, so I stopped by to check out their house. I decided to try and not be bitter with my Dad and just suck it up, I think I was taking it personally, like feeling that he didn't care, or was trying to teach me some stupid lesson. In any case he worked hard for his money and to live comfortably and he has no obligation to give any of it to me if he so chooses. I keep thinking about parenthood, and what it takes to keep the parent child relationship strong. I can get a better glimpse of what its like to be a parent now that close friends have had children and I see their pride, and unconditional love, their desire to be around their kids, their kids desire to be with them. For me that changed, for some of my friends that changed along the years, there's so much distance between you and the people who reared you (I like that word, reared). I tried to give my dad the benefit of the doubt in a recent conversation with Sally and Carissa, saying maybe he or our parents just want better for us and just express it by getting on our case, but then we came to the conclusion that its more like they want us to be successful so that they don't look like idiots or bad parents when they talk about us to their friends. I wonder about that sometimes, I don't get the impression that my father is necessarily proud of me, not like my sister with her great husband, and children, and her career as a doctor. I don't know what my dad can say about me, he has such minimal knowledge of my life, or of me as a person even.

Well, I don't meant to beat the father issue to death, its just funny, and like I said I become fascinated by parenthood when I'm around my buddies who have procreated, it's a curiosity really.

unnecessary expenditures

Talked to my father yesterday, did in fact get the "well, what do you do with all your moncy?" question, something I'd like to ask him as well. He agreed to help me out by paying a chunk of $300, then the rest is up to me. Still seems unfair considering he's the one that failed to make payment and I was completely unknowing of that situation. I'm okay with taking over the loan (since it was ridiculous of me to think he'd want to help me pay for my education), but don't feel I should be responsible for the back payments, but whatever. I'm still somewhat angry, he acts like he's destitute when in fact I'm fairly certain that is not the case. Okay, I'm getting over it really, I was really in a bad mood last night, today I'm much better. Like I've said before, I dig myself out of one hole and step into another when it comes to finances. Well, I'll just try to work more, I can get overtime this week so I'll do that. My big concern is going to California in a couple months. I need to go. Ah well, I always find a way. Bingo, that's the ticket.

It is interesting to see what people google to get to this site....I almost went off yesterday about the person who seems to have nothing better to do than keep tabs on my friend on this blog, I was not in the mood for that shit yesterday. Clearly there is much to judge regarding lifestyle, being a great friend, generous, accepting, uplifting to name just a few (note my sarcasm). Apparently that isn't what matters to some people.

I can't begin

to describe how frustrated I am right now. I just got a call from some lady regarding a PLUS loan my father took out for me for my college education. The only reason I had to ask him to take out the loan was because he had made a shitload more money my last year of school and my financial aid was cut drastically, so it was either I drop out my senior year, or ask him to take out a loan for me for somewhere in the neighborhood of five grand. Apparently it is delinquit and has been since Oct. so he asked the loan lady to call me and see if I can make payments on it. Why he can't ask me himself is unclear to me. Okay, in case you think I'm being a whiny little brat, keep in mind that he and I talked about this months ago, in Oct. or Nov. in fact, and he told me that he was able to make the payments and it was all fine. So now I get hit with this out of the blue, I'm already struggling paycheck to paycheck and besides the regular payment I'm supposed to start paying off over $500 worth of back payments. Clearly this has made my fucking day just that much better. I suppose I'm going to get some lecture about how I'm financially irresponsible, or I should get a higher paying job, or I shouldn't have gone to private school. Sometimes I hate my life. I just don't understand why this has been let go that long and no one has talked to me about it.

I did it!

I turned in my application! I'm excited cause even if I don't get this particular postition, I have everything in place to apply for other programs. I finally feel as though I'm moving forward and not just stagnant, stuck here by my circumstances, or poor choices rather, mostly having to do with money. I'm getting out of this one horse town.

I'm going to be working my ass off in the next couple weeks, working overtime, my part time job, I have to sort through the rest of my belongings at my Dad's house this weekend. I basically won't have a day off work until a week from monday.

I was thinking this morning about how Cassie is coming home soon, in a couple months. I don't know how many times over the past couple weeks I've said, "I wish Cassie were here". So Cassie, I wish you were here now, but am excited that you will finally be returning to us soon. Remember when we sang "wish you were here" when we were camping, that was fun.

taking it down a notch

Well, I complain about my life being boring, so to remedy that I go out and drink far too much and act obnoxious, and engage in behavior that isn't exactly beneficial to personal growth. I'm not exactly crazy party girl by any means, but a little more moderation might be in order from time to time. I do enjoy meeting poeple though, although I rely too much on alcohol as a social lubricant.

Well, my choice reference has not returned my call, and I need to get this application in soon.

Sally is leaving in a couple days, there goes my social life, since Olivia is working nights and Jenni's f-ing married, she's no fun. That's okay, I enjoy solitude, I can self reflect, it will be good.