Sunday, June 05, 2005

here I am....

At work on a beautiful sunday. I did get a chance to emerge outdoors to walk down to McDonald's. I must admit I'm having some B.O. issues today and am slightly embarassed about it, trying to decide if I should stop at home and put on some deodorant or just go straight to church as was my original plan. I don't think I'm too offensive, I often don't wear deoderant actually, I just don't think to put it on frankly, so far no one has said anything. I'll probably just go straight to church. Just in case you were wondering about my hygiene habits and likely think that it is heniously disgusting that I don't put on deoderant on a regular basis. What can I say, I'm a natural woman. Wow, this may seem surprising to my vast readership, but I just now realized I can change the font on this thing.

I was in O-town this weekend a.k.a. my hometown of Owatonna. I was reminded again of my love for Brenda and how I wish we were as close as we used to be. I finished going through my old stuff at the farm, came across a story I had written in HS about working at McDonald's. Oh how we used to be obsessed with McDonald's, Jenny P. and I. We once stayed up all night composing a letter/complaint of how things had changed from when we had first started working there, as well as myself writing something like a five page letter to the management about my frustration at not being promoted to crew trainer. But the paper I'm referring to was for my pre-college comp. class and I'm somewhat impressed by myself. My old buddy Kris and his wife are expecting, very soon in fact, so I stopped by to check out their house. I decided to try and not be bitter with my Dad and just suck it up, I think I was taking it personally, like feeling that he didn't care, or was trying to teach me some stupid lesson. In any case he worked hard for his money and to live comfortably and he has no obligation to give any of it to me if he so chooses. I keep thinking about parenthood, and what it takes to keep the parent child relationship strong. I can get a better glimpse of what its like to be a parent now that close friends have had children and I see their pride, and unconditional love, their desire to be around their kids, their kids desire to be with them. For me that changed, for some of my friends that changed along the years, there's so much distance between you and the people who reared you (I like that word, reared). I tried to give my dad the benefit of the doubt in a recent conversation with Sally and Carissa, saying maybe he or our parents just want better for us and just express it by getting on our case, but then we came to the conclusion that its more like they want us to be successful so that they don't look like idiots or bad parents when they talk about us to their friends. I wonder about that sometimes, I don't get the impression that my father is necessarily proud of me, not like my sister with her great husband, and children, and her career as a doctor. I don't know what my dad can say about me, he has such minimal knowledge of my life, or of me as a person even.

Well, I don't meant to beat the father issue to death, its just funny, and like I said I become fascinated by parenthood when I'm around my buddies who have procreated, it's a curiosity really.

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