So I gave some money to the guy that goes door to door asking for donations for the environmentalist organization he's apart of a few months ago. Now, every month or so I get an email regarding current issues and something practical we can do to help out. Today's email was about global warming, so I spent a bit of time reading up on global warming, and now I'm paranoid about global warming. I'm thinking I should accomplish any major life goals in the next few months, travel, land a husband, pop out at least one kid, buy a house. I better get a move on, or start rallying my community to be more environmentally aware.
Most of the time when I see a guy wearing makeup, I think boy, that guy looks really hot with that black eyeliner. I'd like to see more guys wearing makeup.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
come together
Monday, January 30, 2006
I wonder
I was reading an article in Bethel's monthly? publication for alums regarding sexuality and homosexuality over at Jenni's. After finishing the articles, I told Jenni that I don't think I'm a Christian. Let's see, I haven't cracked open my Bible in months, when I do I rarely try to "get into the word", reading into verses what I want them to say rather than what they actually say. I sin, and most of the time if I haven't done any major damage to myself or someone else, I continue to do so because well, it's fun. I mean, I was reading this article, profs talking about the scriptures that say that homosexual acts (not being a homosexual in and of itself) are sinful, and through grace a person with homosexual tendencies can either remain celibate, or entirely change their orientation. The question was posed on when someone should be separated from the Christian community based on their unwillingness to change. Who the hell decides that? First of all only an obvious "sin", such as being gay, having an addiction, an affair, looking at porn, having premarital sex, etc. (all of which can be hidden, so you never even know the people you are in community with) what about the other shit that people take part in every day, judgement, materialism, gluttony, laziness, it's been my experience that these issues are not as severe.
Apparently I have no faith, I don't always feel strong against temptation, like I can be faced with temptation to sin and I'll pray and Jesus will give me a way out simple as that. Not to mention that the sins I'd be most judged for are the least of my worries. I'm most satisfied when I look back and see the ways that I've grown into myself, things that are hard sometimes, like being open and achieving intimacy in relationships, being honest with people in a way that is sincere and caring, being honest with myself, seeking passion, living in the moment, accepting people however they are. I feel heavy when I think about all these things, keeping a checklist of my rights and wrongs, did I pray, did I read my Bible, I was materialistic, I ate too much, I smoked, I drank too much, I fooled around with some random guy, I was rude to a coworker, or I talked about her behind her back, I don't volunteer or try to better my community, etc. I mean it's a ridiculous amount of things that I do on a daily basis in which I fall short, some I want to change, some I don't care to right now, when do I get separated according to Paul?, should've been done a long time ago, am I supposed to be beating myself up everyday for my lack of will and faith?
Friday, January 27, 2006
let's be honest
I take back any feelings of sympathy I had for James Frey, he lied about far too much to in any way justify it, at least I checked his book out from the library rather than paying hard earned cash for it, money being an obvious motivation.
Cassie kicked me in the ass last night, in a good way. Instead of beating around the bush and falling back on MN nice technique, I am challenging myself to be straight with someone as well, to learn to be forward, yet tactful.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
isn't that sweet
50 Cent and Mobb Deep got tatoos to show their loyatlty to each other, but what if they have beef down the line, then they have tatoos to painfully remind them of what once was.
I was chatting with my coffee shop buddy last night, who is a musician, and he seems to think that I could have a good voice based on my speaking voice, perhaps I really do have untapped vocal talent. I have always wanted to be a rocker chick, but Cassie fits that role so much better since she's bad-ass and drums, I'm too shy and naive.
The weather is so springlike today, looking forward to the day when it is safely spring, and we can sit outside and drink beer with the sun beating down on us, grill and drink beer, read in the sun and drink beer, etc. etc.
Does anyone else feel bad for James Frey? How humiliating must that be to be called out like that on a national level, and I loved his book. Of course now the book doesn't pack the same punch. I wonder if he was sitting with Oprah that first time and thinking, "oh shit, I could potentially be in deep here." It took some balls to go back on her show though. Hmm, I don't know what to think about it, in one sense I feel like I've been duped and part of me feels bad for the guy for having such a high and low in a short period of time. It could potentially push him into using again, I know I'd sure like a stiff drink or ten after something like that.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
in my pocket?
When I had to have my car towed, almost 3 weeks ago, I wrote a check. This check has not yet been cashed, I have hope that they lost it and it's just money in my pocket. Watch me spend it and then they cash it months later and I lose hundreds in overdraft fees, and I'll be forced to either be homeless and panhandle or move in with my mother.
I'm afraid I've gotten hooked on the reality show "beauty and the geek" which is on tonight after another favorite, "one tree hill". Both fine examples of high quality television of which I'm not ashamed to indulge. I almost made it to work on time today (8:12!), so I can leave with ample time to do my other work, pick up cat litter, and head home for an exhilirating evening of TV.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
follow your heart
Choir wasn't as fun as I had hoped, I don't like the song and I was by far the youngest person there, there may have been a couple people in their 30's but most are geriatric, so my fantasy of meeting a sexy choir boy will not come to fruition. I'll try and stick it out though, at the very least there are treats every week.
I'm really trying to work on being on time to work, but I'm still about 20 minutes late each morning. I'm so rude to people here, as in I'm irritable, and I don't try to hide it. So now I'm trying to be nice to this lady on the phone when before I was clearly annoyed because I have to explain things five times, but she continues to be kind towards me so I'm trying to adjust my attitude. Why do I get more irritated with someone when they ask me to do something for them nicely, I don't know really, but it really grates on me when someone comes over all sugar sweet, I think I find it condescending.
Hmm, look at me consistently writing about how irritated I get with my job, yet do I do anything about, no. I'm so lame sometimes.
Monday, January 23, 2006
I wanna be sedated
Tonight is my first night of choir. Those of you that have heard me sing may be wondering why I would subject a choir to my vocal err...talents. Well, I actually have decent pitch and and can blend well in a choir, it's when I sing by myself that there is a problem, though I have sang a couple of duets in my day with my old friend Julia such as the Star Spangled Banner during HS sporting events. Anyways, I've always enjoyed choir so I'm excited to have a casual weekly time of singing sacred choral music.
I just read today that scientists are working on making cultured meat. They take cells from an animal, "culture" them, and can enhance the meat with various nutrients, saving the animals from poor and inhumane farming conditions, as well as making the meat healthier, AND helping to relieve starvation. Interesting.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
I'm not a loser after all
I had 3 friends at the party (one that I regret inviting), five if you count the 2 guests Rachel brought as my friends by default. Betsy on the other hand had approx. 25 friends and acquaintances that showed, it was very crowded in our tiny place, but quite fun, I did not however, get laid.
I will now proceed to laze about, or maybe clean.
Friday, January 20, 2006
crabby and short
Unfortunately I haven't been trained in the fine details of nursing, and yet I'm expected to know proper names of medications. Oh how I hate when Sandy is not here and I have to do her shit, she's one of those types that goes above and beyond, so the nurses are spoiled, then when I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I get my head bitten off, or the general impression is that I'm dumb. So today I've been crabby and short.
Betsy and I are having a little shindig tomorrow, I have no friends that will be attending, this may make me look like a loser. Not that we even have space for a large party.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
well, I guess some people have fulfilling jobs
Betsy and I were chatting the other day, she was lamenting about going further into debt and not having a fulfilling job. I almost scoffed, thinking who in their post liberal arts college 20's has a fulfilling job?, especially those of us with degrees in the arts (hers in Literature). So her parents want her to move home and go back to school, tell her that she's wasting her time, blah, blah. I feel bad for her, her mother is an engineer. Frankly I think she has a fulfilling job(s), she works with kids, she tutors, she just got a job at a bookstore, all those sound like desireable jobs to me, though they don't pay all that well. Then again I have a penchant for mediocrity, so just about anything other than what I'm doing sounds fine to me. Or I could compare myself to peers that actually do impressive things with themselves and get really depressed. I prefer to slog through my days and drink my cares away.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
being flexible
Well, I was going to go to IKEA and hunt for something that will eliminate cat pee smell (not at IKEA, at the vet), but now I have happy hour plans. Perhaps some wine will release some of my anxiety. I wonder if I have any vinegar at home, hmmmm.
Lata sucka's
Monday, January 16, 2006
Oh bother
Feeling a bit eeyoreish today, a bit stressed about things. I've got holiday lumpiness that I discovered through some ill-fitting clothing that wasn't previously ill-fitting. Things are more up in the air then I like, which means I have to make choices, which makes me feel uncomfortable. My car's fan is broken which means minimal heat, but at least the weather is mild enough. I could bitch and moan more, but this is enough for now.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
best of
Per request I'll share a little anecdote from my youth, let's go all the way back to kidnergarten. Imagine me at 5 years old; chubby, shy, disheveled, my only friends thus far having been farm animals...but, I could draw a really good bird. I may have made a friend or two on the bus, another girl with the same name as me, and Sonya, who I approached and asked to be my friend (she agreed), but alas we were not in the same class. Anyways, as the year went on my social skills didn't exactly improve, I vaguely remember once instance when I played with a boy named Anthony, but beyond that I was alone. At the end of the year our Teacher gave everyone a prize to highlight something that we were good at, and of course she had to give one to everybody. Yes, I got the prize "Best able to play by myself", I was praised for my incredible ability to busy myself despite a lack of friends.
stroke?
I feel like I just had a minor stroke, as in I feel nauseous, have a headache, couldn't see well for a short time, and my right hand and arm went numb. I've since regained eyesight and feeling in my fingers, and I just took some non-aspirin and waiting to see if that helps. I'm thinking I will leave early and go lay down.
On top of that I'm listening to VH1 radio, I love the 90's, and bringing back those memories of adolescence and High School. I was by no means popular, but I don't despise my high school experience. I may have been nerdy, but I wasn't ridiculed, I was too much of a wallflower to be ridiculed, I moreso went unnoticed. I definitely would go to the next reunion, I'm sure many are married with children, I know many didn't leave Owatonna, including most of my good friends from back then, to each their own I guess.
It is really difficult to find long, brown boot laces.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
life as we know it
Cassie and I are into the third season of "Six Feet Under", Claire is in art school, so there are some ideas thrown around in the show regarding well, art. Cassie and I enjoy this since we are of course both highly talented artists, well, she's talented, and I like to think that I am too. Anyways, in one episode, Claire is in class and her prof. is babbling about something along the lines of how most artists latch on to a previous or famous artist's ideas or technique and it's because they are embarrassed to show what is really inside them, essentially embarrassed of themselves. That was the jist I got from it anyways. It's a pretty common theme amongst artists, the whole having your own ideas, being original, finding your voice or whatever. I haven't made a painting in at least 2 years. I know that I'm definitely embarrassed by myself and my ideas as I'm sure has been gathered by anyone who reads this blog. I try to think of a theme, and my mind is blank, it all seems so derived. Or, as in the espisode we watched last night...everything has been done already, so it's just putting your own spin on a redundant idea? and what if that feels forced? what if I'm really good at and really like painting children and puppies, but in order to be a real artist I have to be saying something with my work, a child and puppy has to offer some commentary, something thought provoking rather than just a pretty thing to hang on the wall, though plenty of "artists" are in it only to make pretty things (uh, like Kinkade perhaps?) Where I'm going with this, I really have no idea, but I've been thinking about my embarrassment, and if/how I might share it, how that might affect things, I mean personally and all. Just thinking is all.
I'm feeling restless, and tired of my excuses.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
dozing
Had computer training today, of course 2/3 of it didn't pertain to me and I couldn't even get online, I just had to sit there and try to stay awake. I played a bit of Ms. Pac Man on my phone.
I just realized that I am wearing brown shoes and a black shirt.
Monday, January 09, 2006
finally again
I woke up bleary eyed this morn at 7:10, and realized that I had been sleeping through my alarm. I dragged myself out of bed, flicked on the early show, cozied up on the sofa and leapt eyes upon my dear friend Sally. It appears as though she will be on the next season of Survivor:Exile Island! I'm sure your thinking "wow, you know 2 people on reality TV, you must be pretty cool" Yes, yes I am pretty cool.
I finally got my New Year's pics on here.
The weather has been extremely mild the past few weeks, and it's sunny out today.
I'm the winner
MS flava and Sally
Sunday, January 08, 2006
most recent near death experience
My adventure filled weekend proceeded thusly...
Friday night I get home from work, read a bit, then hop in my car to go to Cassie's as we had plans to hit up a couple art openings. I'm driving along on the freeway and my car loses battery power, this poses a problem because there is no shoulder and I didn't make it to the exit ramp. So I'm stalled in a lane of traffic, it's dark, I have my flashers on but cars are coming at me fast, several near accidents, and one actual accident (not serious) occurs, it was a bit unnerving though the police came to my aid pretty quickly. I felt bad being the cause of all that trouble. Anywho, I get my car towed to the shop, Cassie picks me up and we are on our way. We go to meet up with Jenni at her place since the first gallery is in her building, the show is over but we head down to see if there is still anyone milling around, nope, but the door was unlocked so we sneaked around and looked at the art. We chill at Jenni's for a bit before heading to our next destination in Northeast. The next show was still going strong by the time we get there at 11, I was warmly greeted by the gallery owner with a hug, I felt special. Another gallery down the street was open too, so we checked that out, made pals with the owner, his brother and his buddy. We all ponder over to the bar down the street which had been fairly recently bought out and refubished from a total dive (and I'm talking real dive, not a trendy dive like the Dragon), to a pretty hip place. We enjoyed the company of our new artsy friends, marvelled at the change in atmosphere of the bar (we had all gone once while it was in its divish state trying to find a Nikki's replacement), and danced to some Stones (beast of burden, in your honor Olivia).
Yesterday was bridal shower and bachelorette pary extravaganza for my oldest and dearest friend Jenny P., who though she had been in an irritable state with me the previous evening (due to my car issues), was in a better mood when she picked me up. I saw a bunch of folk I haven't seen in years at the shower, and actually won a prize. Jenny and I differ in taste and lifestyle, which is why we aren't as close as we once were, she prefers the subarbs and cheesy country music, I stick to the city and good music. So her idea of fun for the evening was to go to a bar in a southern 'burb, dress up in prom dresses and dance to a cover band. Honestly I thought I wasn't exactly looking forward to it and figured I'd probably end up sitting alone in the corner, chain smoking. I was dog tired, but I got a little dressed up in my old prom dress (not really formal, just a simple black number), tights and my sexy boots. I caught my second wind and actually had a decent time, we brought Peter Pecker, the blow up doll with an erect penis along, so that in and of itself made the evening entertaining and worthwhile. And I was totally productive this morning and did some thorough cleansing of the apartment.
For tomorrow...pics from New Years, I'm too lazy right now to deal with them.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
some miscellaneous photos
Animals, a baby, friends, my mother...a slice of my world to share with y'all (and I have nothing of interest to write about), more coming soon!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
satisfactory
I must have had a good start to my day because as I was driving to work I thought to myself, "Self, things are pretty satisfactory, you're going places!" Then I chuckled because, well, whether I'm actually "going places" is yet to be determined, nor is it top priority for me to go places. I got to work only 26 minutes late, so though I'm not improving at least I'm not regressing in my lateness. Baby steps.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
owie
I slipped and biffed on the porch stairs, got the hard, sharp concrete stair in the back, that one felt good. I could have died, broken my back, or had some other severe injury, I should sue my landlord for having unsafe conditions, the stairs were very icy.
By sunday I'm going to have my room in decent shape and the apartment spotless for Betsy's return. That's my goal anyways.
That's about all the excitement I have right now.
Monday, January 02, 2006
a new year, a new deductible
Possible and popular New Years Resolutions that I could choose to give a go at.
1. Excercise regularly: Unfortunately my health insurance (from a healthcare facility) doesn't participate in the reimbursment program at the gym. When I inquired as to why, the reponse was that it cost too much money. This almost makes me want to get obese and acquire heart disease and diabetes just to show them how much it could cost otherwise. In any case I am pondering joining a real gym, not the thing they call a gym here at the hospital.
2. Quit smoking: A couple friends claim that they are going to quit smoking. Having seen first hand the lack of self control we all have, especially when we all get together and have a few drinks, I won't hold my breath. I myself haven't made this resolution, in fact I'll step outside for a smoke as soon as I'm done writing this, but, it will be the first of the day (8 p.m.ish).
3. Stop being mean to George: I don't severely abuse the cat, but I often tell him to shut up, and I may toss him a few feet, but he's a cat, he lands on his feet. Clearly it is ineffective since he continues to be annoying.
4. Exude creativity: I've got paper, paints, an easel, pencils, charcoal, ink, other miscellaneous odds and ends, I can at least lay down some paint and see what shows up.
5. Organize my space: My room has been in a state of dissarray since I switched rooms, I need to stop putting it off (but I've really been busy, honest).
6. Become self-aware and experience enlightenment: By the year 2007, I plan to know myself completely and be entirely spiritually in tune.
I had a fantastic New Year's in Chicago, wonderful and gracious hosts, plenty of hearty laughter, good music, food, booze, and fellowship. My only complaint was the time spent there was too short. Pictures of debauchery coming soon.
