I wonder

I was reading an article in Bethel's monthly? publication for alums regarding sexuality and homosexuality over at Jenni's. After finishing the articles, I told Jenni that I don't think I'm a Christian. Let's see, I haven't cracked open my Bible in months, when I do I rarely try to "get into the word", reading into verses what I want them to say rather than what they actually say. I sin, and most of the time if I haven't done any major damage to myself or someone else, I continue to do so because well, it's fun. I mean, I was reading this article, profs talking about the scriptures that say that homosexual acts (not being a homosexual in and of itself) are sinful, and through grace a person with homosexual tendencies can either remain celibate, or entirely change their orientation. The question was posed on when someone should be separated from the Christian community based on their unwillingness to change. Who the hell decides that? First of all only an obvious "sin", such as being gay, having an addiction, an affair, looking at porn, having premarital sex, etc. (all of which can be hidden, so you never even know the people you are in community with) what about the other shit that people take part in every day, judgement, materialism, gluttony, laziness, it's been my experience that these issues are not as severe.

Apparently I have no faith, I don't always feel strong against temptation, like I can be faced with temptation to sin and I'll pray and Jesus will give me a way out simple as that. Not to mention that the sins I'd be most judged for are the least of my worries. I'm most satisfied when I look back and see the ways that I've grown into myself, things that are hard sometimes, like being open and achieving intimacy in relationships, being honest with people in a way that is sincere and caring, being honest with myself, seeking passion, living in the moment, accepting people however they are. I feel heavy when I think about all these things, keeping a checklist of my rights and wrongs, did I pray, did I read my Bible, I was materialistic, I ate too much, I smoked, I drank too much, I fooled around with some random guy, I was rude to a coworker, or I talked about her behind her back, I don't volunteer or try to better my community, etc. I mean it's a ridiculous amount of things that I do on a daily basis in which I fall short, some I want to change, some I don't care to right now, when do I get separated according to Paul?, should've been done a long time ago, am I supposed to be beating myself up everyday for my lack of will and faith?