Tuesday, May 17, 2005

fear of failure, fear of success

question; Why have you not turned in your Americorps Application and your resume? Maybe because I'm afraid they will look at it and say that sucks and her essay or "motivational statement" is full of cliche's and not long enough and she hardly has any of those skill boxes checked, but maybe we can use you in a position nobody else wants. Or maybe they will actually give me a chance since I don't completely suck, and I do work hard sometimes and I do pick up things fairly quickly and can even suck up my fear when required and be halfway intelligent here and there. Then I will have to move where I have no friends and have no money and be alone, albeit probably doing something worthwhile with myself. I read an article once about losing weight and how some poeple start being afraid to lose weight b/c they become more sexually attractive, which seems like a good thing, except that also requires them to risk and become vulnerable, which kinda sucks sometimes. I am not real good at risking or being vulnerable, my friends tell me my blog reveals things about me that they never knew, which surprised me, not to mention I'm not even that personal on here. This is part of the reason that I don't count on getting married unless I do some serious work on my issues, I don't know if I'll ever open up, I didn't even open up to my therapist and then I decided it was her fault.

well, anyways. Computer training rocked this morning, cuz I had to sit there and wait for my co-workers to quit playing around trying to figure this one thing out and I just got to read blogs. Apparently I was supposed to be "practicing" doing the same thing that takes one minute of time over and over again for the hour that they were messing around with something that didn't involve me.

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