Thursday, May 12, 2005

every once in a while

as most women (or men) do I wonder what its like when you have a baby. What your emotions are, what does that kind of love feel like...the "its different when its your own" type deal. I see my parents with their grandchildren, my nieces and nephews and they get excited and they play with them and act goofy. I remember some of that as a youngster as well, similarities to how they acted with me I guess, thinking how I was cute or creative or smart or funny. It seems odd to me now that they may have felt an intense love for me as a child, a desire to spend time with me. I'm not trying to be all woe is me or anything, but somewhere along the line that changed and now I have a shallow relationship with both of my parents. Its more of a curiosity to me then anything else. I see where I get certain traits from each, the connection I have to my father is that I'm definately similar to him in personality...and what kind of mannerisms I get from my mother.

I just belched out loud we had root beer floats at work, sometimes I forget I'm at work and should maybe be a little more professional.

Anyways, I don't know when we stopped letting eachother know eachother, my parents and I, or my siblings and I for that matter. I know I have "intimacy issues" well, who doesn't, but I remember feeling weird hugging my talking cabbage patch (cause she asked me to) with my family watching because we don't hug or show affection in my family. Well, whatever, it just bothers me when I see when I'm abnormal in adult relationships. I don't know why I'm pondering all this, dissapointment with my shortcomings perhaps and a need to blame my parents, mother's day, seeing Sarah with her baby, missing my cabbage patch, who knows.

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