All I want for Christmas is you

I was told by my brother-in-law that I "better do some baking" for Christmas this year, though I do believe I've baked at least one cream cheese sugar cookies every year in the past few years anyways. So I'm exhausted but I'm baking some damn cookies, along with some cupcakes. But watch, I'll bring my slaved over baked goods to Christmas and they probably won't get eaten because there will already be too many baked goods that were already baked by my sister and said BIL. This is what happened for Thanksgiving anyways. I swear going to culinary school was the dumbest decision of my life, if only because I'm always expected to bake (from scratch obviously), and of course bake well...and I know when people are lying to me about how tasty something I've made is. Really there is no need to rave over something that I know only tastes mediocre at best. Well, I'm tired and I don't want to bake anymore, I just want to watch Felicity.

Me being the only one in the house who is required to work the day prior to and following the Christmas holiday, it has been rather lonely in the house, especially after a couple weeks spent crafting and decorating and listening to Christmas classics together in our cozy home. At least I have the cats for company. I was in a decent spirit too until the other day, it just isn't the same baking alone. I don't even want to go home for Christmas, if it wasn't for the food I'd opt out. Yeah, I'm feeling a little -funk-ey (not the good kind). Fujipants comes on friday though and we'll party it up, then I'll be in Duluth with family again. Haha, I was just thinking back to Thanksgiving and having a conversation with my stepmum about my eldest sister, who is kinda crazy and childish, and how they had this spat last year. Anyways, she was saying if it is so torturous for my sister to come home, why does she continue to do it, then went on to say that she knows my sister adores my Dad. I almost spit my wine out as I'm not certain that any of us children would put adoration in the pot of feelings that we have towards our father, especially knowing my sister's aversion for going to "the farm". I mean, we pretty much all have the same shallow relationship and resulting uncomfortable feelings when it comes to 'ol Pa, but whatever, I guess if my stepmum wants to be delusional about the man she loves that is her perogative. Unfortunately I'll be the only one of his spawn to grace the table on the actual day of Christmas and therefore I won't as easily be able to melt into my surroundings and avoid any of those questions that may come up about my pathetic life.

Well, I received confirmation that the JET program did in fact receive my application, and I should find out towards the end of January if I get an interview. I thought my chances were decent until I was reading some FAQs that a former JET had written up in which he stressed the importance of having a good GPA (like 3.3) if you want to get accepted. Well, mine was like 2.9, not that hot. He also said that only a quarter to a half of applicants get in! I knew I wasn't a shoe-in, but I thought my chances were slightly better than that, good grief, I'm screwed.

moody

I feel ill, self induced by over-eating and over-drinking no doubt. I nominate myself for "roll of the day".

Well, I do believe I have officially stopped thinking about anything of any importance. I have, however, obsessed lately over cat urine and holiday crafting. I also have a pathetic tale to tell for your reading pleasure...

Yesterday being the arrival of recently posted about young man, I did not hesistate to get sloshed out of my mind last night. I had been assigned the task of making a birthday cake for our volunteer, George (Charlie Kaufman's father-in-law). First of all the cake did not turn out at all, it wasn't moist and cake like at all, it was dense and dry, not sure if it was the recipe or a mistake on my end. So, I figured oh well, popped on some Elliot Smith (fit my mood) and frosted and decorated it regardless, whilst throwing back a couple brews. I proceeded to text my drinking buddy Mike because otherwise I feared that I would show up at the bar that I knew -he- was going to be at thanks to the evil that is facebook listening to a band that I legitimately enjoy so it wouldn't be totally unusual that I would be there. As much as I wanted to show up drunk and emotional and see him with his beloved and his friends that I used to hang out with and probably make an enormous ass of myself I thankfully decided that would be a poor decision. I needed a distraction. By the time my roomies came home though we started crafting and listening to Christmas tunes and I was feeling content, but Mike got back to me and was willing to drink. Since I was already four beers in when he picked me up, it didn't take much to thoroughly drown away any negative emotions I may have been feeling. It was just what I needed, but I feel pathetic for even still caring. I guess I'm not used to people cutting me out of their lives, period, but definitely not for no discernable reason. I mean, not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty well liked by those who get to know me. I think Not a Girl, Not yet a Wino says it best here..

"That even when not riding the church train, we owe people something more in this life. You can try to run from it, you can say that not calling her the day after a drunken lickfest is the way that people do it. But it isn’t the way you or I or we should be doing it. And this isn’t preaching. Plain and simple, it reeks of an era when we didn’t walk upright and beating your hairy chest wasn’t something done as a post-coital joke. You owe something more to the people who you choose to let into your life. Give them anything less than your best and you’re cheating yourself – screw the him or her you’ve known for a month – of the opportunity to be something more than the guy next to you at the bar who drinks Bud bottles* and avoids his wife’s repeated cell calls."

I have a flaw, or perchance a strength, or some combination thereof, of often thinking too highly of people or not doubting their motives enough. I also think in so many shades of gray that I can justify most sides to a conflict especially in regards to human emotions. In any case, I didn't expect to be treated so poorly, because I hope people would give their best, and that when they inevitable fail, that they do their best to correct the wrong. Of course I'm certain I need to work on this myself.

It doesn't help that I was quite fond of him and I -thought- he felt the same and nobody has piqued my interest in quite the same way since, not that I've really been looking. Jenni, however, has set forth a goal for me to give the f**k me eyes to the next dude that interests me, which is so not my style of being socially awkward and trying to avoid eye contact at all costs. It also really really sucks to be hurt and deal with that pain, and sometimes I think I may be fine just thinking about cat pee rather than obsessing over a man or getting involved in something that will more likely fail than succeed.

That said I obviously could sure use a date, geez, two lengthy posts on something that I barely have talked to my closest friends about. Not to mention I should be so over it by now.

Must nap now.

de-frag my brain

I'm currently trying to de-frag my laptop because it is so damn slow, and then rip some cd's so that I can sell them so that I'll hopefully have enough money to prevent overdrawing my checking account. Good times. My goal was to be fabricing my walls today, but that is just going to have to wait I guess.

Boy, I feel I was quite nuerotic in my last post, clearly I don't get out much. Actually, I do get out a fair amount. Clearly I haven't had a date in far too long. Even a crush would be good for me.

Hooray, onto 3% defragged, this is going to take a while.

I wish I could de-frag my brain, perhaps it would run more smoothly and be less -fragmented-.

cornucopia, a "horn of plenty" if you will

So yeah, I'm kinda petty about stupid things, I never said I wasn't weird, or petty. I may in fact be one of the most petty people I know, the stupidest things make me angry. I get angry when people are trying to be nice to me, depending on what they are being nice about of course (like telling me my lunch looks good), which is just weird and I'm sure means I'm mentally ill in some way. Please still be nice to me since general run of the mill niceness still makes me happy, and even if the niceness does make me angry I will just dwell and fester in silence, unless I internally snap, in which case someone will receive my wrath.

I forewent exercise last night in favor of going out for happy hour with best co-worker friend who got sacked and whose last day is today. I porked out. I had beer (2) AND pizza AND wings. I was going to exercise, but I didn't have time to grab my gym clothes, and the gym was right across the street from the restaurant and it seemed silly to walk ALL the way home (3 1/2 blocks) in the drizzle just to get my gym clothes and then walk ALL the way back to the gym. Plus I was a little tipsy and smoking a cigarette sounded way more appealing than trying to manuever the elliptical while tipsy.

Well, I really thought this was going to be my year, the year that I win at McDonald's monopoly. I got off to a good start... the first day of monopoly we had a coffee crisis at the office in that we were out of coffee. This obviously, would not do, so myself and a co-worker volunteered to go to McDonald's (there is one in the hospital) to get several large coffees, all of which had the stickers. I proceeded to steal all the stickers, approx. 16. Then co-workers started giving me their stickers as I assumed the role of Monopoly Master. I believe that they assumed I would share any winnings I might receive with them, unbeknownst to them I planned to secretly hoard and enjoy any wealth selfishly, as is my nature. However, monopoly has come to an end, another year has gone by with my student loans being just as high as before (curse private colleges).

Speaking of mental illness, I find myself actually looking forward to winter this year. Maybe it is due to living in a house which gives me this cozy mental image of comfort. I find myself visiting the Martha Stewart website a bit more often these days, searching out delectible fall delights to bake, or craft ideas on how to dress up a cornucopia for an eye pleasing display. This is quite a shift from last year, when I was deep in my funk and staring into the black hole of winter with a feeling of despair. Combination of feeling that the past year of my life invested in culinary school had been a waste...both financially and timewise, and let's see, experiencing cripplingly low self esteem because of a stupid boy of course. Him being the reason I am in need of a cute boyfriend, since according to facebook (Facebook is so evil sometimes), he will be coming to MN for a visit in Dec. The pathetic synopsis of our "relationship" in case anyone cares...we "casually" dated for 3 months, I got the "I can't be in a relationship right now because I just broke up with my girlfriend of several years blah blah blah blah (or insert other excuse here), but I really really like you and really want to spend time with you but we have to keep it 'casual', exept I'll totally act like you are my girlfriend, until you expect me to treat you with common human decency in which case I will be an asshole and remind you that we are not 'in a relationship' which OF COURSE excuses my behavior of treating you not only as lesser than someone that I claim to like and want to date, but worse than my worse enemy" (phew, no bitterness here, really). I of course fall for this because I have low self esteem and the boy is cute and smart and funny and reads and appears to like me just enough to keep me in his clutches. In this particular case, the boy was planning on going to grad school in mere months after we started dating so I knew it would come to an end, I however, didn't know he would become just distant enough in the weeks prior to leaving to keep me hanging, becoming completely confused, self esteem rapidly waning and ultimately resulting in feeling pathetic and desperate. The culmination of our time together was him making plans with me the weekend prior to him leaving for the east coast, him not calling me to even break the plans like a decency would expect, but no, him just plain not calling me ever again, no goodbyes, no nothing. Then I of course spiral into what is wrong with me that this keeps happening to me (cause it certainly isn't the first time I've been bamboozled by a boy). And of course I hear through the grapevine a mere 2 1/2 months later that he has a GIRLFRIEND. Of course he would meet someone who he would deem worthy of GIRLFRIEND status so soon, and how could I have fallen for the B.S. of "I'm just not ready to be serious" except in 2 months I will have a capital G GIRLFRIEND, and then in another few months will move in with her. This also tends to happen, the boy who gives me the "I can't be in a relationship" excuse then gets into an immediate relationship with the next girl that he starts dating instantaneously after he rips my heart from my chest, blood still fresh on his hands. Really, I only wish happiness...so glad that he is able to move on so quickly...I'm so totally not bitter. Meanwhile, pickings are slim in the love arena for me, I mean, I'm 29, most eligible bachelors are hitched or in serious relationships already, and the rest appear to be idiotic douchebags. If I wait it out a few years though I'll be able to snatch up the divorcees.

Ah, I know, I shouldn't take this as a negative reflection on me but I just can't help it, it's the dysthymia! So that on top of feeling like the biggest loser (not weight wise, unfortunately), because I had just wasted a year of my life and several thousands of dollars on schooling for a career that generally pays peanuts, well, I was in full funk mode. I'm better now. A year ago an impending visit from said boy would have sent me spiraling, but I only care a little now (can't you tell?, no really, I SO just barely care, for real, I mean just cause I spent an hour writing about it doesn't mean I care), and while I'm certainly not going to be seeing the, as you will, ex non-boyfriend, it would still be nice to have an attractive lad on my arm when he is in relative close proximity.

I also have recently discovered that most of the nurses I work with are on anti-depressants. Makes me reconsider going on them again since it is apparently the thing to do these days.

I am certain this time that I definitely have mouth cancer and will have to have a chunk of my face surgically removed, then I certainly won't get a date.

pork me

We aren't supposed to be "fat-talking" here at work, but I am, my friends, large and in charge. I haven't weighed myself in the past couple weeks (scale went -very slightly- down last time I did), however I have been porking out on candy and baked goods, as if there is literally no tomorrow which will bring more candy/baked goods. Exercise? P-shaw! I've conveniently given myself some "time off" because I feel I deserved it after being so busy last week preparing for our party. I believe I just hit rock bottom by eating a pumpkin cream cheese swirl brownie that had gone bad, and yet I continued to eat it. Hardly anyone ate the baked goods that I spent damn near an entire day baking for our party so I've been trying to unsuccessfully get rid of them here and there. I'm frankly, a little hurt. I mean, my co-workers will eat pretty much anything unhealthy no matter how disgusting it may be or look. I brought in multitudes of cupcakes ("creepcakes"), and they are going rather slowly, most of them don't even look gross or taste that bad!! Just a little old and dry maybe. I guess that teaches me to over-extend myself with the baking.

One of my pet peeves here at work is how much people take interest in what I'm eating for lunch. I could care less what other people are eating unless I'm going to head to the same cafeteria and want to see what they are serving for the day. Meanwhile, my co-workers need to get all up in my tonsil and be like "oh, that's weird" or "that looks good" or "that smells good, what do you have". Today I had a f**cking fake chicken patty on 2 slices of bread with some garlic (target brand mind you, nothing terribly fancy) mayo and a (pre-sliced) slice of havarti cheese. Can I eat my f**cking chicken patty in peace without someone saying "oh, that smells good, what do you have" and I have to be like a f**cking fake chicken patty that I just microwaved and slapped on some bread with some cheese and mayo. I don't know why, but it makes me almost livid with annoyance and frustration when people comment or ask me about my lunch. Other things at work make me well up in anger almost to the point of exploding such as last week, when I left the office for about an hour to run an errand. While I was gone our volunteer (Charlie Kaufman's Father in Law), came. He is a sweet 76 year old man who hobbles around on a cane and is very petite. I return to the office, and head back to my cube only to discover that my chair is gone. It is being used by George. My Co-worker TOOK MY CHAIR when she knew I would be back shortly. Lest I sound like an asshole for being upset that she gave my chair to an old man to use, be aware that there were THREE UN-USED CHAIRS IN THE NEAR VICINITY (like really near, closer than my cubicle). I mean un-used! As in NOBODY was going to sit in them at all during that particular day, yet she takes my chair that I have adjusted to my liking and am accustomed to sitting in and gives it to George. This is the same co-worker that asks me about my lunch damn near every day. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have it out for me so it was just pure lack of reasoning skills that inspired her to abdicate my chair from it's rightful placement instead of something like spite. Then, THEN, out of pure frustration and anger and principle I "became the bad guy" and ASKED AN OLD MAN to get up from my chair so I could replace it with an un-used one. Then my other co-worker proceeded to push my buttons and guilt trip me about asking George to switch chairs. This whole scenario from start to finish made me very angry and caused me to snap...and yell and give the silent treatment. I was also very tired because I had spent the entire day prior baking cupcakes that nobody ended up eating.

Our party was a smashing success, I think anyways. Lot's of people, house looked pretty great for the most part, people seemed to have a good time, great costumes, etc. I did indeed manage to pull my boy george costume together in time and think I did a pretty decent job at it.

And yay for Obama!

Tonight I will exercise.

I need a cute boyfriend by December 18th.

goodness

I almost forgot to mention that we finally went to the Corn Maze! A couple of the 'ol roomies and myself joined by a couple buddies made it out. This was no easy task considering the level of pain mine and Cassie's bodies were in due to the previous evening of heavy drinking, I truly was unsure if I was going to make it. But make it I did and we corn-pleated the maze successfully, it was grand fun and the weather was more than ideal for corn-mazing.

pondering the prairie

While hungover and watching TV yesterday this documentary came on and I was immediately riveted since I love old stuff and am especially fascinated by abandoned farmsteads. It was good, but I was a bit dissapointed in the lack of personalized stories regarding the farms, it was more a general history about the settling of the upper midwest and the rise and fall of farming culture. In any case it is crazy to imagine what it'd be like to be one of the first settlers on an expanse of prairie, especially an immigrant with very few material posessions. You just pick a spot of land and figure out how to make a shelter, I mean did they even have tent or something for the first week or two? It is just wild to think about.

So yeah, was pretty horrifically hungover yesterday. I'm finding my liver just can't take on the alcohol like it used to, it is getting old and worn and tired. Went to two parties Sat. evening and started off the night drinking some good but very sweet and alcoholic punch that did not start off the evening on a good foot. Then my companion/sober driver insisted upon refilling my cup so that she could walk by her ex-bf as many times as possible even though I didn't want anymore punch, I just wanted beer. Needless to say I was sufficiently lit by the time we got to to 2nd party where they had mostly run out of booze, except for some nasty cheap wine and peach bacardi. I proceeded to get sloppy drunk and found myself drinking a scavenged half empty (or half full if looking at it in a more positive light), warm bottle of finnegans. I remember feeling quite disgusted with myself yet I continued to drink it. Sign of an alcoholic?? Perhaps. I don't know if I made a huge ass of myself or not...no, I'm sure I must have.

We are having a Halloween housewarming party. I'm aiming to be Boy George this year though if that falls through I still have my zombie costume from last year. I hope people show up.

Let's see...I have not gotten any part time employment that I have applied for, though I have at least had a couple of actual interviews which is a step in the right direction I suppose. I was pretty bummed about the coffee shop gig, it was so perfect.

getting sacked

No, fortunately I'm not getting sacked, but my supervisor is, well, getting laid off is I suppose the nicer term. This is quite sad since she has been here a very long time and is a very sweet lady. My very best office friend is also getting sacked b/c now that our manager is gone we have to answer to the next higher up now, who happens to be her mother, which happens to be against policy. Also on the near horizon is a co-worker retiring and another going on maternity leave, and by the way, we are under a hiring freeze. So basically, the rest of us sad saps are going to be in rough shape in about a month taking on A LOT more work. Then I'll probably get sacked too which would totally suck, although maybe give me the ass-kicking I need to step it up, and hopefully a decent severance package.

Anyways, I keep thinking it is 2009.

The 'mates and I had our first cozy evening together in the new home, lighting up our first fire in the stove and watching the VP debate whilst imbibing on autumnal brews and eating fries with special Columbian mayo. The place is still basically in shambles with boxes hither and thither, but we've made somewhat of a dent.

After some much needed rest, I'm somewhat less crabby.

dead inside

I am a monstrous crab today, which can only be remedied by alcohol consumption. Alas, I am broke until friday and therefore have to drink what we have on hand, which isn't much.

I missed my blogiversary again, so happy belated blogiversary to me. To celebrate, I will probably go home and sleep because today I hate people, then wake up, drink so that I can tolerate being around people, then go to see Liam Finn and drink pabst on special.

Part of my crabbiness is being tired from moving for three and a half days, then needing to unpack and not having the energy or storage in our new home. Plus the landlord said we could likely paint and has now reneged and I abhor the color of my room, so I either will beg, or have to fabric my walls. Also, everyone seems smug about something or another that is just going swell while I meanwhile continue to hate my life.

I had an interview for a very part time job yesterday that I think I would really enjoy but probably won't get.

So there.

age-ism

I'm a bad daughter, I keep meaning to call my mother who's birthday was 2 days ago, but when I actually remember to do it I figure I'll do it later at a more convenient time, then forget when it is a convenient time. We aren't really big on birthdays in my family, I feel pretty lucky if any member of the fam so much as phones me on my birthday, or even a day or so off. In fact, my own father has gotten it into his head the past few years that my birthday is the day before the actual date, and I haven't had the heart to correct him. I mean sure, he's one of the key components to my existance and one would hope that the blessed day that he his last born entered this world would be so seared in his mind that he could remember that the anniversary of said date falls on the 4th and not the 3rd, but in the end it really is inconsequential. Hell, I'm lucky if I remember to send him a card on the day of his birthday so that it arrives a day or two after.

Speaking of birthdays, I find myself talking a lot about being almost 30, in a negative light. I never thought I'd be one of persons who would freak out about age, and I of course have no negative feelings towards anyone in their 30's based on their age alone, many of them still even manage to remain cool after entering the next decade of their life. I don't know, I suppose not really accomplishing ANY life goals that one should accomplish according to societal standards is putting a damper on getting older. I guess I manage to support myself, but just barely. I certainly don't have any marriage prospects nor will I likely anytime soon if ever. Even if I were to get married I don't feel a huge maternal urge to have a baby. This past year kinda crippled my self-esteem in a way I hadn't experienced in a while, and feeling like I wasted a year and lots of money going to culinary school was quite unfortunate. I know I'm not alone in my angst, it just feels like it sometimes when you see your peers doing well in either career, or family, or creatively or what have you and you just slog along. Thankfully people always peg me as being in my mid-20's so at least I don't look old, this excites me! (and also sets me up to be a quality couger).

I freakin' love Neko Case. Saw her last week live and she was mesmerizing and funny.

I made some -frankly- really tasty lettuce wraps the other night. I'm trying to cook healthy meals for myself so that I don't eat out so much. The act of cooking doesn't much excite me as much as baking does, but baked goods are certainly not helping me win the battle of the bulge. Even when I "share" what I've baked I find myself hording a few servings for myself to enjoy over the course of a few days. I worry about my weight a lot these days, part of the fat kid syndrome where I really don't want to become chubby again, really don't want that at all. I mean I'm not going to develop an eating disorder so don't worry, but just trying to exercise and be more concious of what I'm eating sure doesn't hurt. And I also worry about TURNING 30, and my metabolism slowing...and wrinkles...and gray hair.

Oh, and my anxiety is much better today. I'm kinda bummed though, I've been looking for new blog reading material to distract me through the day, and lots 'o folks who have had their blogs for as long or less time than I have actually have a readership! Some of them have several readers and commenters, I think I have maybe 4, and those are friends of mine who I think feel obligated to read, and yet I write as though people actually read this thing. I don't care that much but wonder a little if people don't like me.

high anxiety

I am experiencing such intense generalized anxiety that I'm shaking, and since the anxiety is generalized, I can't pinpoint the cause. It could be the pending move, but I don't know why I'd have anxiety about that other than I'm losing some bedroom square footage.

So yeah, we found an adorable house in a great locale, and start the big move on Friday.

I've been acting like a fool in my early-mid 20's this past month, going out too much, drinking too much, being fiscally irresponsible, etc. and etc.

So, even if I never ever ever get out of this one horse town and continue to work as nurse whipping girl for the rest of my godforsaken life and then retire to an afterlife of eternal damnation, I have a goal to apply to the JET program, and to get TEFL/TESOL certified, and to head overseas next year (Japan or elsewhere). Don't anybody get too excited since I seem to be unable to follow through with much outside of my comfort zone, but at least I have a little something to work towards. God knows if McCain/Palin get elected that would certainly be that much more motivation to get the hell out of dodge.

I'm getting tons of gray hair, I've always had a few strands here and there but it is getting out of hand now. I'd say it's premature, but I am almost 30 now.

Boy, my posting has been quite lame as of late, I've done very little actual thinking lately. My blogiversary is coming up soon, next week in fact.

PTL

Praise the Lord for creating the Everybodyfields, I am in love with them, have been for a few months now.

No rest for the weary, been a hectic coupla weeks, in a good fun-having sort of way. Was blessed to be able to go to Chi town last weekend to bask in the presence of Sally Poppins and MS flava. Camping this weekend in Madeline Island where we'll patronize the Island Oasis and hang with Bud. I'll get to be an honorary member of the Pupovac family which makes my cup runneth over.

Good thing I don't have children, although I'm thinking about starting a mommyblog regaling my experiences as a pretend mother with fictitious children.

Househunting again, yearly moves are surely draining. I enjoy looking for/at places though, unfortunately most places we've looked at so far have been a bit dissapointing. Mostly we've noticed just a general lack of upkeep with these places making them look kinda dingy, but do have some features that we like. Nothing has wowed us so far except a beautiful home in a nearby suburb that is flipping on a lake, but the location is just too tucked away for us. Ah well.

the stench is lifting?

As I take a deep sniff of the air surrounding me, I find that the stench of my funk is not as pungent as it was mere months ago. The self-loathing not as constant and severe. I wish I could attribute this to my semi-regular shrink appointments, but I think it is more a matter of time (healing wounds and such) and sunlight and warmth. Mind you, I still have plenty of bouts of feeling that I am a loser at life and also fat, but that is more a dull drone in my mind rather than a drone that also sucker punches me a few times a day. My shrink said something enlightening at my last appointment..."You just don't seem to like yourself". I suppose it's the dysthymia.


I've been OBSESSED with baking blogs lately. This hasn't led me to do any more baking than I normally do, but I have an itch to, if only I weren't so lazy. I did try my hand at some raspberry brownies though that didn't turn out quite as well as I had hoped.


Pretty sure I ate more than I ever have before at the State Fair the other night. Brandi Carlile was playing at the free stage and as we walked by and saw the enormous crowd of people who were listening to what I thought sounded to me like cheesy Christian pop/rock, we (or I for sure) was pretty perplexed about how this person drew such a large crowd. We continued on to the haunted house as planned and then proceeded to cap the night with a beer and some bull bites as per tradition. After I forced down the last bite, we were still puzzling over who the singer was, which Kristen figured out to be Brandi Carlile after a familiar song started playing. In any case we decided to check out what all the fuss was about and heard the final song, her big hit, before the encore, then a bunch of people left and we decided to "get in on the action" and enjoyed quite a pleasant encore with just her and her guitar/keyboards (much preferable to her with the band), and she's got quite a voice. I think I might like her. I wish I had some more excitement to report regarding the fair, but it was your usual eat way too much, look at some animals, go through the haunted house, etc. We did look at some crop art, but missed the fine art and creative activities building. I also had some excellent wine ice cream. The State Fair fills my heart with joy.

adaptation

Our volunteer is here....

His son-in-law is Charlie Kaufman.

That is so cool.

while it is relatively fresh

So yeah (in case anyone cares), my trip to New Zealand that I returned from over 3 weeks ago now was -overall- very good in that I got to see a whole lot and it is stunningly beautiful there damn near everywhere. I would absolutely live there once I find a way to do it, unfortunately it is ridiculously expensive to fly there (and looking at flight prices recently it is getting ridiculously expensive to fly anywhere, so so sad). My dirt phobia was certainly put to the test. 4 children under the age of 8 are frankly, disgusting, ugh, thinking about the food/grease particles everywhere still gives me the shivers. I got along swimingly with both of my nieces (age 4 and 5), until the last few days when Jade was kinda distant, and I'm not sure whether it was because she didn't care anymore or because she was sick. I guess I'll find out when I see them again in a couple weeks. As far as my nephews go, it was a like/hate relationship with both (ages 8 and 2), with Ben getting to the snotty age, and Noah being a mama's boy. I'm pretty sure my sister started to dislike me by the end of the trip.

We went on some great hikes, my favorite being one where there were some abandoned buildings/machinery and an abandoned train tunnel that we got to walk through, I saw glow worms and old stuff!, my 2 favorite things (not really but I think they are cool). We sat in a number of hot springs/hot tubs/hot salt water pools throughout, and did some wine tasting. We hit up four winery's one afternoon that resulted in all the adults being quite tipsy. Let's see, I got to go in a small plane and saw three sperm whales, which was pretty darn cool. New Zealand also values it's arts and crafts and so there were plenty of galleries to peruse.

As I mentioned prior to leaving I had hoped to bond with my sister and feel more connected to her like I had when I was younger. Unfortunately that didn't pan out as well as I had hoped. I'm sure I've mentioned before how socially inept I feel around my family. I was hoping to overcome that since gee, I was going to be in very close quarters with the family for 2 weeks. Alas, I mostly felt awkward, and though I was in the way, not that there weren't good times, but I had just hoped to become more comfortable being more "myself" around my family, and that it would just occur naturally. There was an incident where I cried for a very long time. We were parking at a "holiday park", and Tom was backing up the campervan. Whenever he backed up the camper I was supposed to immediately jump out and help direct him (without being asked), which I forgot almost every time but was happy to do so when asked. So, he starts to back up and then barks for me to get out and direct and I start to head out the door. Tensions were already high since we had just been stuck in the mud. Anyways, before I get out Ben jumps up and says he wants to do the helping and nobody objected so I let him. Well, a tree branch shatters the small high window on the camper, so tensions therefore increase. Tom eventually parks and I immediately jump out to go to the bathroom, when I return I can tell that there had been heated discussion and Ben says to me "guess what Mom said...that everyone needs to help out more especially you", which resulted in me feeling like a complete asshole. My sister immediately chastised Ben, asking him why he was twisting her words like that. She claimed to have said that everyone needs to help more. So I'm sitting there still feeling like an asshole cause I don't know what was actually said since Ben said he was just repeating what he heard, and I start weeping uncontrollably. Tom tried to deflate the situation by being nice and suggesting we play a game, so I'm struggling through Candyland, still weeping the entire time, but trying to hide it but not being successful. I was however, successful at Candyland and promptly beat all the kids, then ran out the door to attempt to cry it out a little and collect myself. When I returned Ben was talking to Tom, and he must have felt bad since he apologized, and my sister apologized. I still continued to weep throughout the evening but tried to not be awkward. I just felt so terrible that I was seen as this slacker when they were letting me come along with them on their travels and allowing me to do all these cool things. In my defense it wasn't as if I laid around sponging the entire time, I supervised the children, played with them and helped them with their "homework", constantly picked up the things that would fly about in the camper, and attempted to jump in and help. Could I have been more help? yeah, probably, but like I said I'm socially inept around the fam and have a hard time simply saying "can I help with something". I know, I'm weirdly rude when I don't mean to be at all, I blame my parents per usual.

So, wow that was long and rambly. Overall, I did have a lovely time, it was hard to come back. However, I seem to have picked up a toenail fungus, either from my brother in law, or from one of the many pool establishments we visited. If I do have the opportunity to go there again I would hope to be able to experience more city life (i.e. bars with hot Kiwis). From what I could tell the poeple there were very laid back and friendly.

Pics soonish I hope.

check ya later

I leave in mere hours for New Zealand! I'm having high anxiety right now. I really hope this trip will reconnect me with my sister and brother-in-law and nieces and nephews. Not that we don't get along, I just am hoping to get back to a place where I feel comfortable and not so distant as I have been since my sister moved away, got married, etc. I want my family to know me and vice versa.

I'm in love with Andrew Bird.

Well, I'll try to post something legit when I return, with pictures.

SoCal and small talk

Cripes, I seem to be addicted to reading goodreads reviews.

I've also become obsessed with the Salton Sea. As I mentioned Betsy and I stopped there on our way to Joshua Tree. At first we drove through some new development with cookie cutter homes that were incredibly cheap trying to find some shoreline, but had to drive a little further to the actual Salton City where we were directed to a beach area. We had been warned that the beach was not actually sand but instead made of fish bones. We drove past some rundown homes and a dilapidated store that may or may not be in business. On the beach were some shelters and grills that we gathered were not much used these days. The "sand" was not exactly fishbones, but what I later learned are crunchy white barnacles, although once we got closer to the water we did see a considerable amount of fishbones. A family appeared as we were perusing the decrepit landscape, and Betsy dipped her feet in the murky brown water, I, on the other hand was perfectly satisfied not making contact with the supposedly safe water. Later she had to rinse them off because they felt "weird".

We had to move on but were curious about the Sea so we did a little reading on it in a couple guidebooks which told us it was man-made and persisted due to irrigation runoff which is what makes it so salty, and also that it was a popular resort area. We could tell that it's popularity had waned since that book was written. I've been kinda fascinated by it since and just watched a documentary on it which explained the details on how it was formed and featured some of the quirky characters who remain living by the sea despite the change it has gone through over the years. I'm itching to go back now and visit the local bar and get a better feel for the place. Maybe I'll even go for a swim.

I could buy some cheap land there and make a home for myself. I mean, it is California and if they ever restore the sea like Bono (Sonny, not Bono of U2) had been pushing to accomplish before he died, I could end up banking on some fine real estate. Otherwise I'll just become an eccentric local.

Anyways, enought about the Salton Sea. I really hate small talk, especially when it limited to an elevator ride. I just cannot pretend to be interested, or I can try but it is painful for me. Could be my I hate everybody kind of day I'm having though, which is directly related to the fact that I have to do "insurance" today, which is my most despised job duty and something that I've just recently had to take on again because we haven't trained any new folk to do it. I hate my life.

birth joy

Whenever I think about women giving birth I think about Oedipus. Anyways, speaking of giving birth, I'm so excited that my dear friend Jenni has birthed a little girl, mostly because now she can drink again, but also because there is a new little person who will probably be pretty cool. She looks kinda chinese and has lots of dark hair, pretty cute as far as (newborn-3 or 4 month) babies go.

Man, this weather is something else. I can't remember the last time it has been this cold and rainy on or near my birthday (Sunday, in case you forgot). Maybe the time I took my friends to Valley Fair in 6th grade. I also remember one year (or that year) my Dad making everyone bratwurst before our outing and nobody eating them even though they were perfectly fine brats, we were just fickle girls. Sometimes I remember those times when I was a royal snot to one of my parents and am filled with shame when I think about how they were just trying to do a good thing for me. I hope his feelings weren't too hurt.

But, I need to be an advocate for myself also.

And, I forgot my hot cocoa today, how disappointing.

disintegration of self

According to my googlescope from the past couple days, my negative outlook on life should start turning around. Or maybe it's the St John's Wort. Lately I've been wondering if I maybe, just maybe, hold on to my negativity because I find it comforting, and I worry if I were to feel better about myself and life I would somehow not be "myself", like it's my schtick or something, as if I would turn into June Cleaver if I didn't have the dark cloud lurking. Could you imagine? I just want my mojo back, not that I've ever had an overflowing abundance of mojo per se, but there has been a marked decline in the past several months.

Anyways, pez dispensers are kinda creepy. The candy comes out of the things neck for chrissakes. Kinda gross if you ask me.

My battle against the bulge continues, after my shocking post CA weight gain I am resolved to get back on track. Can't say I've been entirely successful, am trying though.

Decisions must be made regarding the future semi-soon, scares the bejeezus out of me.

Most recent work distraction is this sometimes hilarious web-comic.

fat and happy

I'm wearing quite an unflattering outfit today. Been having a run of frumpishness as of late in fact, well, pretty much all winter long. Frumpy clothes to fit my frumpy mood. Spring is slow to come this year, probably just as well. Co-worker Rachel and I have decided to succumb to the fat and happy lifestyle, we are just going to eat whatever we desire from here on out and dismiss physical activity.

I've self diagnosed myself as having general anxiety disorder, which is apparently when you feel anxious but can't pinpoint why.

Welp, apparently it is nice outside so maybe I can overcome my laziness and go for a run. I should also brainstorm and write down comic strip ideas...

we'll understand it, all by and by

San Diego was a hotbed of attractive fellas; surfer types, hipsters, deck hands, hmmm. Unfortunately when Betsy and I went for a stroll which included a stint along the naked beach, the dudes in the buff were not of the attractive variety.
So yeah, California was all around pretty awesome. Betsy and I packed a lot of activity in which included sunburning myself badly the first day laying by the pool of her parent's BEAUTIFUL home, tide pooling where we had hoped to see an abundance of sea life but all we saw were a bunch of sea anenomes. Biking (and surreying) in Coronado, poking fun at the fat seals, kayaking in the ocean in the hopes of seeing some tiger sharks (no dice), but Betsy saw a dolphin and we saw plenty of sea lions. Of course we also spent ample time enjoying live music in the local hipster dives.
Camping in the desert was probably the highlight of the trip, and Betsy did not try to get fresh with me at all. We packed in as much hiking as possible and it felt asstastic. The flowers were a-blooming and the scenery was lovely. Oh man, anyone who knows me knows how much I like old dilapidated buildings and since there was a stint of gold mining in Joshua Tree, there were a couple of REALLY COOL old mills, one of which we got to climb around in though I'm not sure if we were supposed to be climbing over the piece of history like that. There was also a dilapidated ranch house and rusty old cars and grated over mines that I enjoyed quite thoroughly.

At dusk we scoped out Cap Rock, where legend says that Gram Parson's friends attempted to cremate him per his request. We popped the Flying Burrito Brothers into the boombox and spent some time at the site paying tribute as others had before us. Next stop was the Joshua Tree Inn where Gram actually died. We then attempted to find a saloon in the town of Joshua Tree, but just found a poor slicked up rendition of a saloon with obnoxious patrons.
Oh, and the Salton Sea, disgusting. If you read any literature about it claiming it to be a nice resort area, well, if it ever was those days are long past. Brown water, weird sand and fish carcasses abound. Betsy put her feet in the water and they felt weird, which isn't surprising since it is fed by agriculture runoff.

Well, I wish I could have more wittily regaled my tales of San Diego, but I felt under pressure. My sunburn, which still hasn't healed completely was the topic of many conversations, and I like to think that I maintained a certain level of midwestern charm throughout the entire week.

dudes with money

I kinda have a crush on Jemaine Clement (The Flight of the Conchords, Eagle vs Shark) pictured left. Good thing too cause I'm f**king going to New Zealand! Ticket is officially purchased. I haven't been this excited about anything in oh...a year maybe (except the badlands Jenni). I should be responsible and use the money for paying off my ridiculous debt, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to travel both islands with my sister and her husband and their 4 children (age 8? and younger) via motor home, should be interesting.

In other news, I love the public library.

I'm also going to San Diego next week which will include camping in the desert with my old roommate. She is kinda infatuated with me so I hope she doesn't make a move.

Despite these exciting and happy things on the horizon I still am feeling lethargic, sad and anxious more often than not. Feeling stressed about finances and decision making. Oh well. I'm guessing if I could bag a man all my problems would be solved...especially a dude with money.

prozac nation

"But it's one thing to be aimless; it's another when you make targeted decisions in spite of your aimlessness. That's when the regrets and backtracking often happen"....

" life is rarely linear, and careers are no different"

more brilliancy from Carolyn Hax, makes me feel slightly better about my poor life decisions. I've kinda mellowed out in the past couple weeks, more like been distracting myself so as not to think too much about things and consequently work myself into a ball of anxiety. In some ways productive (dwelling and worrying and stressing out), and others ways not (becoming nice and comfy in a tolerable yet ultimately dissatisfying life). Although I sort of have some plans and goals mapped out for myself, I'm having trouble making solid decisions, too many options it seems, coupled with paralyzing fear of making the wrong move and failing.

I wish people were more real.

Eh, I'm a Debbie Downer these days, even my friends think I'm not as witty, a shell of my former self. Perhaps drugs would help.

I've set out a painting to taunt me into working on it, got ideas still a-churning, assuming I get the motivation to get them out.

not a loser

I am unsure how it is possible for me to start exercising regularly (relatively, as in 2-4 days/week), choosing and preparing healthier meals at least more frequently than before, quit working at a bakery where I'm constantly surrounded by tempting sweets in which I did indulge, and not only gain weight which I had hoped to attribute mostly to increased muscle, but also seem to be in possession of jeans that were granted -snug-, but had to be squeezed into today with difficulty and are now -tight-. Am so not going to win any weight reducing contests. Also decided against the gym challenge b/c I am planning on being in CA visiting former roommate/friend Betsy on the last day of the contest rendering me unable to do the weigh in.

Oh well, am not letting it get me down. I figure it must be some sort of fluke, or maybe the double, no triple serving of fries the other day along with pizza, a cheeseburger, and 2 mini sloppy joe's. Hey, it was my free day.

I saw Cat Power last night, she was great, her voice live was amazing and she was very endearingly quirky and not too drunk.

Well, on the advice of my shrink I'm trying to be more aware of my brain output. It seems however, that my former crush of last winter is throwing a party to which I am not invited, and I am not sure as to why since I am not actively crushing on him and our sparse interactions over the past year have been amiable. Possible oversight I suppose, which has been the consensus among mutual friends, slight chance that could be b/c he is very good friends with he who dicked me around broke my heart last spring. Who knows, but of course I had to agonize over it for a good hour or five. It is hard to attempt to distance myself from brain output.

overthinking

If there are any of my vast readership that are a member of goodreads and actually browse the site, I highly recommend reading this young lady's reviews. I find them to be quite hilarious and smart, here's the link...
http://www.goodreads.com/profile/Jessica

So now that I have this diagnosis, I find that I can conveniently use it as a viable excuse to cover a wide variety of sins and unhealthy behaviors.... until I'm healed that is.

failed relationships or lack of remotely healthy romantic relationships-dysthymia
binge drinking and consequent obnoxious/embarrassing behavior-dysthymia
staying in a dead-end job for several years-dysthymia
crippling anxiety and fear-dysthymia
desire to shut my brain off-dysthymia
inability to stay awake past 9 p.m. watching a movie or television-dysthymia
feeling socially inadequate-dysthymia
lack of movation create art-dysthymia

to name a few anyways. My goal, by the by, is to be charmingly self-deprecating and not someone who can't function in life. In case anyone worries about me. There is such a fine line between charming self-deprecation and patheticness. What I mean is, I'd like to be self-deprecating in such a way that is humorous and relateable, in a way that makes people think "ha, yeah, I feel like that sometimes too". Clearly I think way too much about this.

And to answer your question, Jenni, from what I read drugs were obviously an option, and talk-therapy.

Anywho, I'm trying to decide whether or not to sign up for this challenge at my gym. I would be in a team of three (increasing the pressure to succeed). I could potentially win $50, or a massage. I'm already part of the biggest loser contest in my office (which I'm certain I'm NOT going to win, especially since I don't have the advantage of not having an intestine like a couple others in this here office). However, I have been more consistently hitting the gym and eating healthier meals, and this gym competition might just get me to kick it in high gear. I need to decide by monday.

there may be hope

I'm fairly certain that I'm dying...currently experiencing an out of the blue endless coughing fit that I'm certain means cancer- throat cancer, I probably have tongue cancer as well. I am a taurus after all. Well, if I do die, I hope people show up at my funeral.

I stopped at my former bakery of employment this morning to pick up my tips and say hello to my friends. The cute barista was working and I mentioned the seeing him at the Turf, awkward and brief small talk followed in which I told him that I meant to say hello but didn't. Then when I got to work I put my coffee on top of my car while I gathered my things and it fell off and spilled all over me, a pleasant start to the day.

Coughing fit is over, I feel more positive about my chances of survival today.

In other news, saw my new shrink yesterday for the first time, and if our time together was an accurate indication of future appointments then I feel quite positively about her. She seems to have a more applicable approach as opposed to my last shrink who just sat there in ucomfortable silence with me for the majority of my session without offering me any help on what I'm supposed to DO about my state (and I also got the sense she was after my money). She diagnosed me as having dysthymia, which my very first shrink from a few years ago also told me and makes sense I guess, I have always felt that I'm kinda slogging along through most of my adult years, always thinking things could be a little brighter and better. I guess I've been under the impression that that is pretty normal but what do I know. A description follows below in case anyone cares....

"Rather, you might tend to be inactive and withdrawn , you worry frequently, and criticize yourself as being a failure. You may also feel guilty, irritable, sluggish, and have difficulty sleeping regularly.
Dysthymia is a milder yet more enduring type of depression that affects women two to three times more often than men. The diagnosis is given when a person has had continuous depressed mood for at least two years. For children, the duration only needs to be one year, and their mood may be irritable rather than sad or depressed. People with dysthymia may appear to be chronically mildly depressed to the point that it seems to be a part of their personality. When a person finally seeks treatment for dysthymia, it is not uncommon that he/she has had this condition for a number of years. Because dysthymia may develop early in a person's life, it is not uncommon for someone with this condition to believe that it is normal to always feel depressed. They often to do realize that the quality of their mood is anything out of the ordinary. This illness often goes unnoticed and, therefore, untreated."

shifting patterns

Okay, so as much as I do enjoy wallowing in my self pity, I do realize that it is not all that attractive or productive to sit around and self-loathe. So I'm going to try my hand at changing my thought patterns on the advice of my good pal Jenni, and hopefully with the help of my new shrink, who I see for the first time tomorrow.

Although in thinking about changing my thinking patterns I came to the conclusion that I would be a failure at changing my patterns, which is reinforcing my current patterns. *sigh*

This would be my first official week back to full time office slogging. I miss my bakery friends and the variety of working there was nice. I do not lament no longer waking up at 4:15 a.m. however, or being on a more regular sleeping schedule.

Speaking of bakery...cute bakery barista was spotted out and about at local venue where my friend's band was playing. I kept meaning to go say hello, but I guess kept waiting for the right moment, although I have no idea why a right moment is needed for a simple "hey". Well, he ultimately left (with his presumed girlfriend), so I missed my opportunity. I still managed to have a righteous time with nice punk boys, even if the music wasn't quite up my alley.

There was some nasty rotting fruit or vegetable in my car this morning. My car also smells like a stale ashtray even though I always leave the window cracked so that it will air out.

Umm, caucus tonight. I'm going. I think.

where there's a will, there's a way

2008, the self-proclaimed "year of Shawna", looks quite a bit like 2007 so far. Oh, I have plans, and goals my friends, plans and goals. Unfortunately, I know myself, and myself seems to be quite adverse to change, fearful of failure, and therefore quite self-defeating. I mean really..the negative self-talk is fertile (fat, ugly, pathetic, a dissapointment), must blame family of origin for that of course so as to feel justified in wallowing.

Clearly have not found new shrink yet.

Have, however, exercised three days this week thus far. Not a New Years resolution (more of an all the time goal), but have been recruited by co-worker to start "diet" with her, which has been surprisingly decent motivation to not eat exhorbitant amounts of sweets and to actually exercise...thus far. Number on the scale this morning also should be sufficient motivation. We shall see. Am hoping for a repeat of last winter post holidays, when pounds left my body mysteriously and I was at my thinnest I've ever been, was feeling better about life then too..*sigh*.

Am missing my smoking porch. Was such an indulgence to sit and drink on that scuzzy porch, it was my refuge. I don't even have a photo of it. Am missing fun house parties of last year, as well as more abundant social life.

Former roommate Betsy and I have been wracking brains (sort of) in pursuit of a creative outlet that will garner us much in terms of money...book, witty independent screenplay, etc. If only I could write better, or actually DO something, well, other than watch TV on DVD or read Carolyn Hax chat archives for even one evening. Wish I had some sort of musical talent, then could at least form a fun band and make cute hipster boys swoon. Where there is a will, there is a way.

I truly believe right now that I will be putting in my notice at the bakery tomorrow. Feel like I'm making a good decision other than that I will look like a complete dissapointment mostly to my family. My debt is scaring me though and being an office slog pays considerably better.

Am heading south tomorrow to go to former roommate Jake's band's cd release party in quaint town which will dreg up those fond/yet painful memories that often occur as a result of failed romance.

If being sad and bitter is wrong, I don't want to be right.