a goofy painting of mine

this is a still life I did in my beginning painting class at Bethel, not my best work, but my prof got excited about it. I enjoy doing figure painting more.

this one happened to be online cause I put it in the "foot in the door" show at the MIA, and I figured out how to email it to my blog, incredible!

spring and smoking ban

Tomorrow is march, that means warmer weather is within our grasp, that also means the smoking ban will go into affect in Mpls(and St Paul?). It will be interesting to see how the ban will change the atmosphere. At least we have our cozy porch to have porch parties on. I don't know if it will help curb our smoking habits, probably not at least until it gets cold, but I guess at least we won't be sitting at the bar going through a pack without much thought.

I had a lovely weekend, went to that opening friday night, where they had yummy mini creampuffs. I went shopping and got a new bra and a couple pairs of shoes. Finding a decent bra is no easy task, and I prefer bras without padding. I went to JC penneys cause I have a gift card and they had nothing I liked. Then I had this big ordeal with this coupon I got and even though it was "store wide" I couldn't use it for the underwear I purchased cause they were four for a dollar (even if I bought three for regular price), or the coffee grinder I wanted cause it was a small electric, I was very dissapointed. I'm sure y'all wanted to hear about bras and underwear, so there ya go, the bra I got was at victoria's secret.

I went to that artist lecture yesterday, I had contemplated not going for a minute, but I'm really glad I went, cause there wasn't a lot of people that showed so it was a more intimate setting. They talked about the challenges of owning galleries and some of their thinking behind putting together shows. They are clearly passionate about what they do and the role of art in the community, and being open to all kinds of art. One of the owners there had rejected some of my work for a group show he was doing on skin, I had submitted nude self portraits. I thought about mentioning that but I didn't. Maybe one of these days I'll try to post some pics of some of my paintings, not the nude self portraits probably, but some of my other work. I got excited though because a. since it was a smaller setting, it's possible that these people might actually recognize me if I went to their gallery, and b. I kind of had a crush on the guy from the gallery, so thats fun.

more art stuff

and there is another lecture on sunday for that show I went to a couple weeks ago, how exciting! It's the art of some area gallery owners, which will also be quite interesting.

what exactly is a hipster anyway?

Definition of a Hipster
Hipster - One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. (Note: it is no longer recommended that one use the term "cool"; a Hipster would instead say "deck.") The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat.

hippie: someone who rejects the established culture; advocates extreme liberalism in politics and lifestyle

those are a couple of definitions I found when I googled hipster. I was at the local shop (coffee that is) the other night, where I have been frequenting since its less than a block from my house. Anyways, it is always crowded with students and regulars, there was no table available so I had to sit at the counter with the regulars; the guy that looks like Busta Rhymes, who also frequents the Red Dragon, the guy that has red hair that works at the liquor store next door, the dude that is always playing chess, etc., etc.... who like to chat up the barista.

So I feel a little uncomfortable, the other three chairs are taken up with people who know eachother, who belong, and I'm just the random. I take my seat, I don't want the other's to see what I'm reading, especially the busta rhymes guy cuz I'm reading Maya Angelou, and maybe he'll think I'm some lame white chick trying to "get" black culture, though he seems nice, and the other folks there would just probably think I'm either lame or think about how they read that when they were five and started an anti racism program in kidnergarten or something. They were talking about some movie that I've never heard of, and some other related film that I had never heard of, and the barista threw out some jab at hipsters. Maybe I've had the wrong image of a hipster this whole time, but this guy looks to me like a hipster. He's got the skull cap, lives in Uptown, throws out the indie rock band names, dons the used clothing, works at the coffee shop AND the co-op. His (I assume) girlfriend who was sitting next to me is working on some film, was super cute and also clearly visits the vintage store, where the clothes are used but probably still cost as much or more than what you'd find in the mall. He had just gotten like 20 records for something like five bucks, you know, for sampling and shit.

I can only strive to be a hipster, I'm sooo not cool enough, I certainly am not cool enough to go beyond and become anti-hipster. It's like that Cake song, how do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle? I try to keep up with music, but without a computer and internet how am I supposed to download MP3's?? I can rarely afford to go to a show, or buy a new cd, I don't even have access to a cd burner really, of course no iPod. I don't often get invited to cool parties, meanwhile everyone in uptown seems to know eachother, I'm usually too shy to try to start up a conversation with an established group, and I don't watch enough independent film to have anything of interest to say even if I did. I shop at secondhand stores, but I'm fairly conservative in my dress, and if I try something a little more daring I usually just look sloppy and frumpy. My schtick is to try the aloof and mysterious angle, but I probably just look weird and timid. I don't know when these people have time or energy to be so cool (or should I say "deck") they seem to just sit at coffee shops or bars, or sit around home and smoke pot (or whatever else), which is what I do, well, minus the pot, and still I fall short.

Oh well, I don't want to be a part of your stinky old hipster crowd anyways, I've got enough of my own cynicism and depression to deal with, without hearing about yours.

Work is really pissing me off, now the IS people took away our online radio!!, its online radio for fuck sake, I don't understand why they gotta be like that, something that it uses up too much somthing or another to do with the computer. Now I have to get a radio with an antenna so I can get reception.

I would like to change my blog design, but I have no knowledge of html. Seeing as how it took me about 10 hours to figure out how to get a pic on this thing, I don't see myself getting too fancy. I want to post more pics too.

Tonight I'm going to an artist lecture by some fellow alum. I'm interested to see what kind of work other's have been doing since they graduated.

Please don't call me "miss"

I do not like it when people call me "miss", like at work, here you go miss, like a term of endearment. It makes me cringe, children can call me miss, adults, please stop.

An assembled ikea chair is within reach, just a couple mishaps along the way, but I think tonight may be the night it will all come together and the birth of our futon chair can be celebrated. Champaigne might be in order, and a slumber party.

I have all these mini reese's cups sitting on my desk, I'm trying to figure out how to not eat them all today, but I also am selfish and don't want to share with my coworkers. I feel the roll of fat forming, expanding, saying feed me reese's peanut butter cups and allow me to grow.

Should I go shopping tonight, I want to get more stuff at ikea and go to DSW and get some shoes. By the time I get out there it will be 7 and I'll only have a couple hours. I don't know what to do, I could go sat. but its way more crowded....

drama

The most drama I've had lately is moving office spaces, losing my battle for a window, and maybe getting my car towed a couple weeks ago, some problems with the landlord, but that's more personal to Olivia.
Last year at around this time I had all sorts of drama, mostly due to a relationship that wasn't exactly healthy, I cried all the time and was pretty much an emotional mess. I decided to try out therapy cause it was clear I have some serious issues that I wasn't dealing with very well. I don't know that I'm any better now, I don't cry as much, but I don't know what that means, I don't think I'm better. I feel like I could just as easily get into a similar situation now. So now I live drama free and boring. I have my Gilmore Girls, One tree hill, Seinfeld if I can stay up that late. I work, try to chip away at my debt. I check out Sex and the City from the Library and live vicariously. I think about how I want to move out east, what that requires me to do, if I'll actually do it. How I should paint. I go to the local coffee shop, get coffee or tea, depending on how much I feel I need to combat my smoking habit, read or journal, smoke. Have beers with my friends, try to check out an art opening or gallery from time to time.
I don't know which is better, drama or non. I sit with my friends and feel like I don't have much of interest to talk about regarding my personal life. So I pull out something, so and so was irritating at work, ummm...this funny thing happened when I was babysitting, I can't assemble that damn ikea chair, I really had to work hard to get that screw in the wall, my brownies didn't turn out, I got a good parking spot today. Or I talk about someone else's more interesting life. No family drama (I rarely see or talk to anyone in my family), no friend drama, no man drama, only my inner psyche drama that I don't feel like sharing, cuz its only dramatic to me.
Drama has feeling involved, whirlwind emotions, stupid or exciting choices. It has its drawbacks, there can be a high pain potential, scary changes, life damaging consequences of stupid choices. Or it cna lead you to the best thing ever. Usually "drama" involves the opposite sex, (or same sex if you're gay), that's when it's most exciting to dish the dirt, about you or someone else. It can be fun, something to laugh over, adds excitement, possibly when you feel "the most alive", ranges of emotions are being felt from one minute to the next.
It gets wearing though, and I still don't have much idea of what I'm doing with my life. I hope its okay to just have some coffee at the local shop and smoke...

those smarmy bastards

they took my msn messenger!! it says I have to be an administrator to download the newest version, and that my version is old, what BS. I knew it wouldn't last long...they alway try to take away our fun.

I finally got a start on getting my room in order, I feel much better, I just gotta keep the momentum going. With my luck someone will buy the house and kick us out in a couple months or something.

Cashisan, this is dedicated to you, I was listening to this yesterday and remembering when us girls were at the artist's quarter (when I allegedly exposed my bosom) singing in the rain....I'm excited to receive my package, wink wink.

so here goes...

Love ridden, I’ve looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I’ve wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over
So I can’t tonight, baby
No, not ‘baby’ anymore -
if I need youI’ll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we’ll only have to wave

-Fiona Apple

hot

I shouldn't wear my longjohns in the office even if it's C.A.B outside, I get way too warm, but I'm too lazy to take them off and put them back on again.

just to clear things up

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my post yesterday. I really don't mean it personal to anyone, and I hope no one takes it that way. I mean, yes, my thoughts are based on interactions I have daily, maybe with people I know, maybe with someone I barely know, in either case, if its someone I know their good qualities far outweigh the bad, and if its someone I barely know, then, I don't even really know you so it's unfair of me to make harsh judgements. My point was that I hope to realize or ask myself, in the act of making a judgement of someone else, do I do that also on a regular basis or at least have at some point in my life?, do I accept that behavior in someone without accepting it in someone else and why? Do I accept that behavior in myself or something equally as negative and turn around and bitch about everyone else? Clearly yes to all those questions, I do it constantly, so my hope is to develop more compassion and honesty in my interactions and relationships.

I'm a nice person, really, and I like people (even if I sometimes want to reside in a big tree or something and not interact with anything but the deer and squirrels, but that's my issue).

Ah Morrissey, you can really belt it out in that falsetto.

Grr, my computer won't let me sign into messenger.

I had a great time last night. Unfortunately I was attracted to my friend's date and not his friend, really at all. They were both very nice, the food was good (although it was spaghetti, I was hoping for something a little more ethnic, but hey, free food, I need not complain). We ate, laughed, danced (badly, but fun none the less), I reminisced about the DR, was shown pics and heard music that made me nostalgic for the place, listened to a crazy mix of music that apparently had to be sung at the top of the lungs. I love it.

awareness-of the self variety

I hear people talk... think to myself, do you hear yourself exaggerating everything all the time, and when you do that I have a hard time taking anything you say at face value...Do you realize that you can listen to someone tell a story without immediately having to interject something about yourself just so you can hear yourself talk, do you even see how rude that is... Has it entered your mind that this is the second or possibly third time that you have told me the exact same thing probably in exactly the same wording and I also had to sit through you repeating it to anyone else who comes into contact with you...That either you have some fucked up sense of time, the worst memory, or are plainly a liar... or Excuse me, you just, in the most arrogant and pretentious manner I can think of, accused someone of being arrogant and pretentious.

I don't know how self aware I am, I want to know if people look at me, listen to me and think...uh, hello, doesn't she realize how glaring this flaw is and she just goes about her business as though things are normal, as though she doesn't even realize it, the nerve of that woman! Well, what if there are things that I do that are just, basically, stupid, and I have absolutely no idea because I'm too close to myself to see it. If you're lucky, to the people that love you it just becomes an endearing quirk that they accept and find moderately annoying sometimes. But, christ, that takes some time.

A "friend" of mine ( in quotes cause I still don't know how I feel about this person) once told me that I have no self awareness. True maybe, but neither do you that I recall.

It would be cool to observe myself outside myself.

I'm going on a double date of sorts tonight, with my coworker and her new love interest, who happens to be from the Dominican Republic, which is cool cause I love that place, and his friend, also Latin. Could be interesting, maybe we'll go dancing later.

stop being mean

I feel bad about my comments about my coworker yesterday. I like her a-plenty even though she irritates me sometimes, and if I blog about it I simultaneously think of her good qualities, making her less irritating to me, and she is really a nice and fun person who I enjoy working with. I had this fear though that she read my blog and then hated me, but noone at work knows I have a blog, if they found it then oh well. I try to be honest about how I feel on this thing even if it may be ugly or depressing or mean, cause I think it and if y'all don't know, I know and God knows and God is the one that can eternally damn me, not anyone else. Sometimes I think about starting an entirely anonymous blog so I can really let it all out, but my journal serves that purpose, although outside comments might be interesting.

I saw my analyst last night, I was a little nervous about this Dad letter thing, but she didn't even ask me about it so I didn't bring it up. I thought she might have me read it aloud which would have probably almost killed me. Instead we talked about making steps towards finding some sort of career I like, so I'm thinking about taking some community college classes on career development. She made the point of that there are so many options out there that it's hard to move until you can narrow it down some and feel somewhat confident that you know what you want and are getting into. Which is true, I partly hold myself back cause I know to do something, I probably need to go back to school to gain some more practical skills, but I have already spent so much money on school that I fear wasting more money on something that I don't like or doesn't pan out. I don't know if this analyst is the right one for me, I feel like I'm gaining some helpful tools, but I'm not getting at the root of things, and I don't know if its just me not sharing enough or putting enough out there or if she just isn't a person I feel comfortable with and maybe I would feel better with someone else. Who knows, this is my first shot at therapy, probably not my last.

"the scene"

I went to an art show opening friday night by myself. Whenever I go to one of these things alone I have this fantasy that I will mingle, have a great connection with someone, and be welcomed into the Mpls art scene. They will want to see my work, show it, and I'll have a fancy opening for my work. In reality, I go by myself, notice that everyone else there has some sort of companion, feel way too intimidated to attempt to involve myself in a conversation with people I don't know, try to look cool and confident as I look at the art, and leave as soon as I'm sick of the crowd.

I also felt rejected by a gay man on friday night. I did however, get reunited with my buddy Jorge, who I used to Salsa with at margaritas. We talked about going dancing sometime, which would be fantastic.

damn chair from IKEA

The only dates I had on Valentine's day were with my dentist, Olivia and IKEA, and myself. We got a futon chair that we can't assemble, it is frustrating, but at least we figured out the drill. I have never had a real date on V day, don't know if I ever will...I'm ok with spinsterhood though.

I decided to call in sick yesterday, since I rarely actually get sick, I figured I deserved one hypothetical sick day this winter. Apparently we were short staffed though, so now I feel bad, had I known that I would have picked a different day. I didn't even get done the stuff that I wanted, between the dentist, IKEA, and struggling with assembling, I got jack done.

One good thing about my new desk is that I no longer sit as near Angela, even though I gave her a shout out in a previous blog. I still appreciate her, she always offers to help me out in some way, but I enjoy not constantly being at her disposal to chat to. She's quite conservative and made a harsh remark about homeless people, and her humor kind of irritates me. I don't find a whole lot of people funny besides myself, I think I'm F-ing hilarious. Anyways, she kind of reminds me of ex-roomate of last year, who also had a tendency to irritate me in the same way, along with other issues that I care not to blog about. Oh and she likes to play a mixed cd with death metal and cheesy pop.

Olivia, if you read this today, Jesus from world of wireless called, he has your order on hold. and he pronounced it Jesus, like Christ, not the spanish pronounciation. I chuckled.

My analyst asked me to write a letter to my father, not something I have to send, but to just write it. I really didn't end up putting a lot of thought into it, was basically like, we don't know eachother at all, I don't see it changing nor am I sure if I care if it does. I feel uncomfortable around you, and therefore limit my interactions with you as much as possible. I don't know how I'll feel when you die, if I'll have any more feeling than I would for an acquiantance.

Well, that was depressing. Some part of me feels some sort of obligation to try more with him, cause he really isn't a bad guy, and I can see that he tries in little ways, but I just don't want to put the effort in.

Elvis

The woman that delivers the internal mail around here really looks like Elvis. Maybe she is Elvis....

My blogging has been a little stale I feel. Bitching and moaning about work, my boring life. My oldest sister bitches and moans a lot, maybe I get it from her. I remember when we were on our way home (a five hour car ride) after my other sister's wedding, my mom's boyfriend at the time was driving, smoking a doobie and going on and on for like an hour about how all my sister does is bitch and moan, bitch and moan, he just kept saying it over and over again, and it was funny. This wasn't behind her back, she was in the car. Of course she screamed some obscenities and then sulked and cried the rest of the way home. I guess if someone told me all I do is bitch and moan for an extened period of time I would do the same. My mom and I just laughed at her, does that make me a bad person?, although the scene still makes me chuckle. She has mellowed out some as she has gotten older, but does have a long history of bitching and moaning.

Last night I remembered when I peed my pants in second grade when we were in gym playing with the parachute. I suppose because I was playing with a parachute last night (with kids, not by myself). First of all the parachute is so much fun you don't want to stop to go potty, especially for an athletically challenged child such as myself, parachute and free play days were the only relief from the embarassment of rope climbing, gymnastics, running, pull-ups or walking on stilts. In any case I had to go real bad, but I was also shy and not willing to interrupt the teacher to ask her if I could go to the bathroom, so even when I had the opportunity to ask, I just sat on the floor and peed. The janitor came over and asked me if it was me who had done it, which I think is a pretty stupid question to ask a kid who's sitting in a puddle of urine, so of course I shook my head no.

I lied, I'm still irritated

I'm just in a bad mood. I'm all sulky and bitchy, seriously acting like a child. Then people try to "cheer" me up, please, I don't care for that, I would prefer to be left alone when in funk. Unless you are one of my close friends that I would care to speak with about something personal then mind your own. Or if you happen to give me the sense that you have an understanding, then you may be allowed into my psyche, or else you are out of luck, I'll clam up like uh, clam I suppose. And my inner psyche isn't one you should want to miss.

I'll have a beer when I get home, before I go watch TV with Sarah, Jenni and Olivia, so as to not subject them to my negative aura.

office space

Happy me in my sunny office space...

Tomorrow is the big move, my whining got me nowhere. I think my manager was trying to suck up to me yesterday by thanking me for being so helpful and flexible. Once I pay off my credit card debt, I'm gone, I don't want to be here ten or thirty years down the road just because I was lazy, comfortable, or unmotivated to find something to do that I actually enjoy. Three years is already too long.

I'm not as irritable today as I have been, I got a good night's sleep so that helps. I also have been working a lot so I haven't had a ton of time to get things done that I want to. I'm hoping to do some painting, there is a show coming up that I want to submit to. I had a piece in it last year. It's at a church in St. Paul and organized by Bethel grads, so a lot of the artists were Bethel students or alum., so in that way I don't feel like its a big deal, like it isn't at a gallery or anything, but it is something to get me to make some work. The theme is Room for Change I think.

Okay, irritated, Sue keeps messing around moving shit at my desk, in 15 min. I'm leaving for an hour. Could she not wait until then?! counting to ten.....

trying...

to post a picture, and I am having difficulty. I tried to download Macromedia Flash so that I can post a picture but it didn't download, I suppose because we aren't supposed to download onto our work computers. I will have to try later on a different computer.

I'm very irritable today. We are finally getting our oven fixed, the couple times that we used it there was toxic gas fumes which caused burning and stinging in our eyes and nose. A month later our landlord is finally doing something. I'm very annoyed with people at work today.

pissed off

I'm in a pissy mood today. I was supposed to have today off cause I came in on sunday, but I had to come in this afternoon. It is so nice outside I could practically wear a bikini, so being trapped in the office is the last thing I want to do. I had to do the thing I hate most -call insurance companies-, and we are moving our desks next wednesday so all my whining got me nowhere, and the people here are irritating me. I did get my Chagall calendar and rid myself of Anne Geddes, to look on the bright side.

Plans for this weekend you ask...The library was closed this morning so I couldn't get my SATC DVD that is on hold, otherwise I would usually be lethargic on the sofa watching that with some beer. I had hoped to get some work done on my room today, so I might do that this evening, for sure tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow morning, possibly going out to Brits tomorrow night for a birthday gathering. Church sunday night, hopefully I will actually get to get a glimpse of Jenni, I almost forget what she looks like I haven't seen her for so long.

I'm going home now.

relaxed stress

Today is "close of business", which means we are supposed to have all our charts admitted and insurance charged from the past month. We are not going to accomplish that, didn't even have a shot at it, so we are fairly relaxed about it when normally we'd be stressing out majorly. It does help the day go by faster.

I hate it when I try to post and it doesn't seem to go through, so I try to rewrite my post then find out that my other post did go through.

I hope to one day see a Moose in it's natural habitat, that would be so cool. I don't think I've even seen a real moose in an unnatural habitat, hmmm.

I can't believe the weather, it is february and it is 50 degrees out. Spring makes me very nostalgic, not necessarily a good thing, not that it is spring yet. Actually every season makes me nostalgic, partially the smells, but more the feeling on the skin or the atmosphere, briskness, or the sun beating down.

Okay, seriously I need to hit the gym. Freshman year, back when Sarah Fuj and I were roomies we had the "roll of the day" anyone who was feeling particularly large that day had the honor of being the "roll of the day" and was quoted on our whiteboard as to the reason for the fat feeling. Good times.

RIOT

I started a big fuss in the office today. I continue to whine about having to move desks, as I said I'm both next to a window and heating vent, it is prime. Sue, who has worked there forever and has the cube next door, and I are seriously getting the short end here. Besides her and a couple others, I have been there the longest and have knowledge of just about every aspect of work to be done, but we are getting shuffled to the shitty cubes, neither window nor heat. Soo, I send out a half joking, half serious email to my cohorts that I office gossip with that I should get an MD note saying I have SAD and need to be near sunlight. I do have a propensity for depression and all, and since I moved to that desk, I haven't cried nearly as much, only every other day instead of every day. I can tell my manager feels bad, and I got the office all in a tizzy trying to figure out an alternate solution, so it feels good that they all at least care. I write this and realize I'm being a whiny brat and probably just need to suck it up and act like a 25 year old, but oh the natural light...I crave it.

Such mild temps here in the north, in the upper 30's lower 40's this week. I realize I blog about the weather a lot, probably cause it changes so drastically and has such power to affect one's mood. And well, my life isn't all that exciting.

Maybe I can reinvent myself, I try sometimes I think, and fail miserably. I like to think (or hope) I'm reinventing myself into me as the years go by, becoming me in my purest form.

on hold

I'm sleepy today, I was convinced to ditch Jen and her suitors (on the bachelorette) and go to an open mic. with roomie and her boo. I lusted after at least three poets. I should have done laundry and gone to bed but I've been too much of a homebody and need to get out more.

I am despising automated systems right now, I can't concentrate on the options.

Our landlord is a tango instructor and told us that we can come up for lessons if we wish. Olivia has gone but last night was my first time, it was fun, but I felt a little uncomfortable. I had to dance with the landlord's girlfriend most of the time and we have mixed feelings about her, she hit us up for cash for the lessons even though we've been told they are free, she is also often in my parking spot, which I'm of course not assertive enough to mention. Oh good grief.

So I got a new student to tutor, I'm guessing cause I was a meanie and so maybe the kid didn't like me anymore. Oh well, not everyone is going to like me, I must try to not let it get to me, especially from a person in second grade. My new student reads really well though so I don't understand exactly what my purpose is but whatever.

Well, since I am too tired to think right now I'll put someone else creativity on here...

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears

What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears

By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try

Like it would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy
It's not like you would lose some critical piece

If somehow you moved point "A" to point "B"

Maintaining there is no point changing 'cause
That's just what you are

That's just what you are

-Aimee Mann