slacking, slogging

I want to shut my brain off for a while, get a good nights sleep, relax without feeling guilty that I should be doing something productive or worthwhile or creative or self-improving or world improving all the time. Not that I'm not plenty lazy cause I am. I totally feel scattered right now, and I'm starting to wonder if that feeling ever ends. A big part of me wishes I could erase the past year of my life and re-live it, making better choices, even though as far as my psychological state it was probably one of my better years. Was in school, had good friends, meeting new people, felt sorta purposeful. I don't know if I'm just not dealing well with transition/changes. I feel restless, doubting myself, which is not new but I thought I had a handle on it. I don't know, maybe I need drugs or something.

In any case I find myself turning my wheels figuring out my next move, of course who knows if any plans I'm formulating will actually come to fruition, another fear of mine. I wish I hadn't gone to school last year. I enjoyed it and like the work, but I had my doubts when I started the program and wish I had listened to my gut I guess. My student loans are scaring the bejeezus out of me and I want to figure out how in the world to make a significant dent in paying those suckers off (and then possibly go to grad school consequently racking up more debt, haha). Right now that kinda looks like quitting my low paying bakery job (a replacement job wouldn't be much higher paying if at all), and going back to full time well paying office work. Frankly the bakery job isn't really challenging me that much anyways as far as gaining knowledge in the field, however I then feel like a let down by not using the education that I just paid money for/invested time in. A big part of me thought just wants to put in my 8-5, not have to wake up butt early in the morning, have a life again, pay off my debt/save some money.

I just ditched my shrink. It's probably me but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with her. My last and one other shrink experience I also felt like we didn't click but at least she gave me practical ways to improve the things that were unsatisying even though I never felt like I was getting to the root of my issues. I think I will try to find a new shrink, and one with a sliding scale fee.

I remembered

I guess it isn't very funny, but I saw my doctor at the local coffee shop, and I wasn't sure if I should say hey. I mean the woman is cool and all, and she's seen my crotch and felt me up in a doctorly way...I ended up ignoring her, was that rude?

hey girl

Watched what some may call trashy (others may call touching and heartbreaking) television show 'shot of love' with Tila Tequila last night. I'm prepared to be thoroughly entertained at my base level by this.

I felt like I had something funny to write about that happened yesterday, but it has left my brain.

I have developed an attraction to this new barista at the bakery I work at, he looks uncannily like the boy who just brutally rejected me. I find myself feeling more self-conscious then usual which leads to resulting 12 year old behavior...being tongue tied around him, nervously giggling, etc.

Well, I'm trying to better myself in order to feel less inclined to self-loathe as I have kinda fallen into the habit of lately. Hoping that my goal of exercising regularly will actually take for more than a week and have found a "life drawing" group to get back into drawing and possibly inspire me to do some painting. I'm not real fond of my shrink, I don't feel like we click that well, then she told me I seem lonely and sad (which in my mind translated to pathetic) and I got offended even though she clearly didn't mean it in that way. I guess I get irritated b/c she seems to infer that I don't want to be there and am making excuses to not come more often, which is due to lack of funds but she's not buying it. She keeps telling me I need to come more often, mentions that she could possibly reduce my copay, but when I tell her I can't afford to come more often with my copay being what it is she's like, "well then, I guess we'll just have to make due" and makes no more mention of reducing the copay as if I'm lying or something. In any case, I'm shopping for a new shrink.

I missed my own blogiversary

Well, that's a bummer.

I'm still kinda slogging through my days at this point...sleep deprived and melancholy. Maybe I'll get my groove back one of these days, but winter approaches and the outlook isn't great.

a lack of creativity

Hmmm, well, my shrink seems to think I'm depressed, which yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk but I don't think it is something more then a down period. Well, whatever, she's only seeing/hearing one part of me, one of my "selves".

Badlands was freakin' awesome. This summer has been chock full of fun activities, too bad I've been in a funk, not that it has prevented me from enjoying things just kinda like a little cloud hanging over me adding a bit of an edge I spose.

This weekend may prove to be interesting...hopefully in a good way and not a bad way.

Other than that feeling an overall lack of creativity, tiredness, etc., doesn't lend much inspiration for blog posting.

reveling in my angst

Been listening to lots of angsty music lately to go along with my angsty mood I've been in for the past couple months...decided to go back to see a shrink though, thought it was about time. I've just been off lately, seem to have lost my zest and trying to get myself back on track I guess, back to a time when I was feeling good about myself and my life.

Going to the badlands this weekend with Cas and Jenni. Should be an interesting time. We are camping and I'm having a difficult time imagining the scenario, I imagine us pitching our tent someplace barren and rocky. I really want to see a big horn sheep.

at last

Here I sit in my new home...Almost cried today when my old landlord said the oven wasn't clean enough, not for me, but for Jake and Kat who scrubbed that thing for a good hour. Yeah, felt a range of emotions last night, it's kinda crazy when moving, and you get to the final stages where you feel like all your possessions are breeding and you will never get everything moved and everything clean, and you feel really guilty for just chucking stuff into the garbage that could be recycled but you just can't care anymore. Then, everything is clean and sparkling and you wonder why the place became such a shithole in the first place, not that our place was a shithole, but it could have used a little upkeep. I'll miss my roommates and that house, I certainly had some good times there, it was a little college-ey, but hell, why rush into adulthood when you can pretend to be a recent college grad and have some fun. Yeah, I got a little choked up last night after Jake and Kat had left and I enjoyed my last cigarette on the 'ol smoking porch, where I spent much of my time. Enough nostalgia, I must attend to my bunions and read some Harry Potter.

guess I'm in a talky mood today

So, I've been reading through some of my archives as I tend to do from time to time and realize that my blog kinda sucks. It's like reading a journal from high school or early college when you thought you were at least a relatively smart and thinking person and seeing in plain print how immature you were. At least there is still some entertainment factor in that, if you can laugh at yourself that is, which I fortunately seem to be able to do for the most part.

I'm really tired of (kindly) telling nurses what they do wrong in their charting only to be completely ignored as they continue to make the same mistakes.

How does one get over feeling completely rejected? Yeah, yeah, time, and probably seeing a shrink.

2 hours

I still have 2 hours left of mind numbingness office work. I'm pretty sure I f-ed up the hard drive on my laptop by f-ing around with it trying to "fix" it with little to no computer knowledge. But I feel some endorphins trying to kick-start up there in my head, despite it being hot as balls here in MN, causing lethargy. Yeah, I'm feeling a little less slumpish, a little less anxious to try my hand at becoming a functioning alcoholic and chain smoker, I really don't have the time for that anyways.

Trying to decide if I should go to my ten year high school reunion in about a week and a half, I'm pretty indifferent about it seeing as how I had few friends in high school.

fishy

We found a place with cheap fresh fish, at the lake a mere 3 blocks from Cassie (and soon to be my) apartment, eureka.

the slump

The slump continues..I don't know, just one of those blue periods I guess, not debilitating, just enough to make me want to drink copious amounts of beer and watch endless amounts of angsty teen drama (a.k.a. Dawson's Creek). People (mostly my office co-workers) irritate with their small talk and calling me "miss" (which I loathe). I need to start exercising. My vacation helped, always good to see Fuj, and to get away from home for a few days. Maybe I feel like everything is in transition, and once I get more settled I'll feel more comfy in my skin. I don't feel all that fun and witty these days. When I get a little down though I like to revel in it, roll around in it a bit before I get my endorphins flowing again.

Man, you'd think MN, with all it's lakes (and assumed fish abundance), would have some decent inexpensive fish, but Olivia, Cassie and I searched and came up empty.

There I am, dork extraordinaire. Haha, I even graduated with honors and considering I didn't put that much effort into my schooling, I was a little surprised. I guess it feels good to be done, I'm still plagued with self-doubt though. I've been kinda discombobulated lately about life. I'm really hoping that my much needed vacation coming up this week will get me in a more relaxed and happy state of mind since I've been pretty glum lately. Yes, I believe some serious beach time should do the trick.

Betsy moved out yesterday, it's a little sad, thinking about all us 'mates moving on as I've really enjoyed our time in our house despite the usual annoyances of living with people. Onto a new home with my dear friend Cassie come August (pictured right).

so uh yeah

Mostly I stare at a blank screen without anything to say when it comes to this blog. I'm currently utterly exhausted, bouts of insomnia, anxiety about relationships and life in general, been smoking like a fiend lately too, soon I'll be like my mother who seems to have a 3 pack/day habit.



Tomorrow is my unofficial last day of school, next friday I officially graduate, it's over! Well, it doesn't really feel over since I'll probably have about the same schedule, but at least I won't have class and homework, not that I've had much of that lately. I'm to be working part time at Cupcake, then also working my current job part time (I think). The whole thing is stressing me out really, I'm not sure how my boss is going to react really since we are really short staffed right now and unable to hire another person.

I'm on my way to get some sleep.

Perhaps a little melodramatic the other day, still in a state of major confusion but well, it's not that bad. I think I maybe sorta got offered a job at my internship, at least I got a "you should apply for a job here", which I think I might. The place is starting to grow on me plus the owner wants to hire people so he "can get out of the kitchen and work on the business", which means he won't be their judging me and making me nervous and sweaty. He wasn't there today and frankly, I had a darn good time, my potential future co-workers are pretty funny, and I was relaxed and funny too.

Roomies Jake and Kat, after saying they wanted to stay put in our current apartment, have now decided to get a place of their own, so now I gotta figure out where to live, who to live with (if anyone) etc. I'm looking forward to starting fresh sans Lance's decorating.

Just finished Steve Martin's "Shopgirl", related to Mirabelle until everything worked out for her, still liked it though.

confusion and insecurities

I'm in a state these days of uncertainty. Uncertain of where to live, where to work, if I've completely f-ed up my entire life, how I'm ever going to get out of debt, if I'll ever find love, if I'll ever care about my spiritual life again, if I'll ever move out of MN, if I'll ever care things going on in our world.

So yeah.

nostalgia

Man, this Christian rock is sure bringing back a lot of memories, my earlier college days (pre-exposure to alcohol)...ah, I was fat and frumpy, way more anti-social then I am now, struggling internally with faith issues and getting myself into loads of debt. With my eyes closed I can transport myself right back to the coffee shock, where all the indie Christian kids would hang, or at least the posers, and where you could find me many a weekend listening to indie Christian bands wishing I was cool, back when I used to hang with my hometown buddies that I've since lost touch with. Boy, how things have changed, and I think I feel a stirring in my soul.

this, that, and the other

I'm currently listening to some Christian rock that I used to enjoy back in college, perhaps it'll kick start my lethargic soul, get that ember a-flamin', and I'll be a spiritual powerhouse, armed with delicious pastries and my Bible of course.

I think I've decided on the career path that I would like to pursue, cake decorating, which was definitely a draw when I decided to get into this culinary thing. Actually, I still have a lack of direction. I've got a mere 4 weeks left, which consists of going to my internship, which is going better by the way, I don't think the owner believes me to be a complete idiot anymore, still an idiot but not to the degree that he originally thought. Actually, he managed to throw out a couple compliments the past couple days I've worked there, and affirmed that I shouldn't take it personally when he tells me I'm doing something wrong. I'm simultaneously hoping that he'll offer me a job and hoping he doesn't.

I want to go on a variety of vacations this summer, like at least three. Of course I don't have the funding for this but I'll do my darndest.

If only I had my PFR albums with me.

lazing about

Recovering from my birthday shindig/90's throwback party with the girls. Apparently people had a good time, I was too concerned over whether or not everyone was having a good time, or thinking I'm a huge lameoid..at least all the food got eaten. Betsy also announced this here blog to a roomful of people that I'd prefer to not know that I have a blog as I'm not sure if I may have written something that may be offensive..oh well I guess, not that anyone would care enough to spend time trying to find it, I hope anyways.

flaws illuminated

So, I got the internship, today was my first day, and I think overall it went well, but yeah, being in a new somewhat nerve-wracking situation doesn't always make me rise to the occasion. I get shy and unsure of myself, my natural inclination towards putsiness increases, and I tend to screw up (b/c I'm unsure of myself). However, I came through without making any major mistakes, everything got baked and made to satisfaction, just not quite to the high standards of the owner, but I'm also there to learn and he certainly has no qualms about telling me where I need to improve. He's a little intimidating, but nice enough, could be far worse for sure, at least I was never sent into a puddle of tears or anything, I just got a little miffed when he clearly thought I was being slow (hey, it was my first day). I was pleased to find that I didn't hate it at all however, and rewarding when you know you are making good product and that people buy it and enjoy it. Everyone that works there is great and very friendly and helpful, so I hope once I get to know people and become more comfortable I'll show myself to be a competent individual, I just wish I was one of those people that could at least feign confidence, but alas, I am not.

Anyways, the next 3 weeks are well, hellishly busy until I finish my class and then can just focus on work and this internship. I feel squandered of my social life, but I just have to remain focused on the fact that graduation is near.

1 down, 4 to go

So, I applied for this internship that my instructor recommended. I assumed when going to my interview for it, that I would have a similar experience to my classmates in that I would show up, we'd chat, he may ask me some questions, but that I'd essentially just be setting up the logistics. This, however, was not the case. I was questioned on my knowledge of the seven steps in the baking process, which I hadn't studied for months, and I ended up looking like a complete moron. I also have to go in early wed. morning and do a "baking test" in which I make a batch of cupcakes (the place specializes in cupcakes), and I'm expected it seems, to know my stuff. I'm nervous, as I don't exactly usually make a stellar first impression, I get shy, forgetful, timid, etc. when I'm around new people in a new environment.

4 more weeks of class, 9 weeks until I'm a graduate, until I will have free time and a social life, I'll be able to enjoy the summer, I cannot wait.

yet another boring post

So, I have to admit that I'm feeling a little down, I start school again on thursday for my last quarter, and I'm honestly just dreading it at this point, although hopefully once I get going it will be okay. I just want to be done, I'm tired of trying to balance my life and don't feel I've been doing a very good job of it lately. There's also a lot of changes coming up that, while mostly exciting, like finishing school and -hopefully- finding a new job that I enjoy, but there's also the stress of all that, plus finding a new place to live for July, moving, all that stress, and a good friend of mine is leaving very soon which saddens me. I'm sure time will fly and all that, and though it's cloudy, rainy and cold here, summer is bound to come. I'm looking forward to days where I can lay in the sun, read, maybe get some thoughts flowing in that ol' messed up head of mine, maybe do a little painting.

all is well

My co-worker did indeed "get over it", and even bought me ice cream (which I felt a little guilty about). I had to meet with my boss, which was pertaining to my tardiness, and I'm proud to say I've been to work ON TIME ever since, pretty much effortlessly in fact, I mean, I'm honestly shocked at how easy it's been, so easy in fact, that I had time enough before work this morning to iron my skirt and read for 15 min. and still made it on time. I'm enjoying my time off from school, not quite looking forward to returning at this point, but seeing as how the end is near I feel I can get through it, then hopefully find a job that pays well enough, which is a concern, but not something I have to quite worry about yet.

pissing people off

So I really pissed off my co-worker, who I also consider a friend, basically I felt like a selfish ass. As a result I got reprimanded from my boss about my tardiness, and have to be on time to work from here on out since my tardiness/irresponsibility was the cause off the anger, and she was justified in her anger. I hope she gets over it as she says she will. I hate letting people down, especially due to my own bad choices.

Other than that life is still good, I survived my heinous final project last week, barely, but I did indeed survive, and after wed. I'll have a nice little break. I did get me another beater, the power steering kinda lacks at times but overall it seems to be a nice little runner. I've got good friends and money in the bank.

life is good

Other than the daunting final project I have due next week, life is moving along quite nicely, quite nicely indeed. I'm getting a hefty tax refund that will allow me to buy a slightly nicer beater than I had anticipated. Yeah, I've made the difficult decision to let go of the golf, she's had a good stint, stuck by me longer than any other car, and has maintained her quirky character. However, she's old, and I think it is time. Excuse me, I'm getting a little choked up at the thought....

Ahem, well, as I was saying, yeah, life is lovely, looks like I'll be able to pay off some bills I've been avoiding with this refund, school, though difficult, has been a lot of fun, my social life has been fulfilling, and the small amount of recent drama has been positively resolved. Yesterday at school I inadvertantly designed a dessert plate that had a, shall I say, phallic look to it, I was a tad embarrassed when my instructor looked at it and kinda chuckled and was like "umm, it looks like a missile, or uh, something". Then there was the part of class when we were playing with making sugar decorations, and chef Gary said that my classmate's decoration looked like a stomach, to which I suggested that our theme for our sugar showpiece project next quarter should be internal organs, which also got a good chuckle out of the class.

do the right thing

Been a lack of blogging lately, I'd blame busy-ness, but really, it's mostly because I'm uninspired, like honestly, my brain is all mushy right now, for a variety of reasons.

Anways..had an awkward moment at the local shop last night. One of the regulars, a kinda gangly middle-aged fellow, was there last night, and he's very friendly, but makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, like always comes outside whenever I'm having a smoke, or makes sure to pass my table so that he can say hello, or tries to sit next to me when possible, I mean, I guess I'm wary of the older gents at the coffee shop since well, gee, I show a bit of friendliness and they seem to think I'll date them. So anyways, I'm cordial to this guy, but try not to engage in much conversation, but I'm not rude or anything. Well, I step outside for a smoke and well, there he is 2 seconds later and I'm thinking about stuff and therefore keeping to myself, and he asks me if he's offended me. I said no, but maybe I should have said, "no, but you make me feel slightly uncomfortable", in any case, it was really awkward.

I'm so proud

We had a touch of snow this weekend, something between 8-15 inches or something like that, supposedly the "storm of the century", but I'm fairly certain in the 27 years that I've been alive anyways I've experienced a few storms as bad or much worse. In any case, my beast of a car made me so very proud yesterday. She maneuvered through the wet and snowy streets yesterday with relative ease while other cars were struggling. For a car whose tire is supposed barely hanging on (it was recommended to me that I get a new rim well over a year ago...have I done that, uh no), I was extremely impressed. I've been tossing around the idea of getting a new beater soon rather than put more money into my car, but she may have proved her worth yesterday.

I need to buckle down the next 4 weeks, school is suffering because I'm being too social. 4 weeks until I have a break, then 11 more weeks and I'm done...done!! Crazy to think by that time it will be June.

a bit o drama never did anyone harm

I guess anyways, just having a slight bit o drama in my life right now, which seems to be on the way to settled though (I hope), and hopefully everyone will come out unscathed, probably disappointed, but not seriously scathed. In any case, it has caused a bit o stress which I don't really have the energy for at this point.

Other than that, the usual, pondering such lofty ideas as grace, friendship, morals and the like. Not having much time to come to much real thinking regarding any of them however, mostly just confusion.

pondering perceptions

How is it that people's perceptions on the same situation can be so utterly different? It makes me wonder if I'm delusional sometimes, when I hear someone's account of an evening, for example, a night of heavy drinking where I no doubt have made an ass of myself, and the next morning wake up thinking, "gee, I kinda made an ass of myself last night", and then I hear from someone else, oh yeah, you made a HUGE ass of yourself, whereas I was just thinking that it was my run of the mill ass behavior, more mild in my remembrance. However, one specific source also tends to embellish things, so then I have to wonder..is this source reliable, or is this person actually giving an accurate account of the evening and it's my brain that is skewed, maybe I'm just trying to play down the embellishment to attempt to save face in at least my own head. OR, with the cleaning..I think I clean pretty regularly while not seeing other's make a ton of effort to clean. However, I may be feeding my fragile ego and deluding myself into thinking that I clean more, whereas they are thinking that I don't, so who is in the right? Then there is the relationship, where personal issues and past experience can skew perceptions of words and actions. It is all very confusing. So, if I am in fact, delusional, please let me know.

embarrassing behaviors ensue

Ah yes, I've engaged in many a foolishly drunken evening it seems as of late, I think it's because I live with all these young'uns, or I'm trying to fit in as much social life as I can before school gets really hard as it's projected to be starting like, next week. I should assume a lack of social life for the next 4 months, but I know I'm weak-willed.

G love delivered a good show last night, which would also be considered one of the aforementioned evening complete with embarrassing and obnoxious behaviors.

Guess who I get to see today, that's right, my old buddy Matt, who cuts my hair, who has fabulous pecs and is overall undeniably sexy. I'm quite excited.

I used to be funny

It's done, the cake that is. I only stayed an extra 6 hours after class to finish it, only 3 hours after the other stragglers left. There was lots of swearing, whining like a small child, and near gushes of tears, those damn flowers kept breaking and at one point I barked to my instructor, who kindly asked how it was going "my flowers are ugly and I hate them". Well, my emotions have been running high lately, extremely busy and stressful schedule, not enough sleep or time to relax, money is tight, I had a bittersweet exchange with my love interest after which I got ultimately rejected (got the 'ol, it's not you it's me), and we're thrown into these projects for school with minimal time and minimal practice. I guess that's how it is "in the business", so I should deal if I want to be "in the business". So next week I start advanced pastry, which is sure to also be stressful, but at least we make ice cream. My cake turned out alright though, I'm not wholly satisfied with how my flowers turned out, and it looks sloppy if you look at it up close, but from far away it looks kinda cool, I'll post a picture. Art girl painted sappy pictures on her cake, it was actually really good. I don't dislike her as much as I did a couple weeks ago I guess.

On board for next week..start my new class Mon., seeing G. Love on love day, hosting book club (which means I have to clean) on thurs., as well as the option of seeing the love interest who rejected me play at a local bar. Jake and Betsy have a friend staying next weekend and therefore we're throwing a possible impromptu party thrown in his honor. This leaves me with minimal time to ponder deep things.

my hands hurt

My poor little hands are sore from all this cake decorating, and I'm nowhere near finishing my cake, which needs to be done tomorrow.

trying my hand at a more positive attitude

I'm feeling a bit of stress as of late, big huge project due for school on wed. that will take up all my time until then, the project is designing a wedding cake for which we have to make "realistic" looking flowers out of gum paste. Gum paste is a nasty concoction of powdered sugar, glycerin, glucose, and a bunch of other stuff that is supposedly edible but would be gross to eat. Anyways, the stuff is fragile and finicky and I have yet to be successful at making one flower, not to mention my instructor doesn't seem too keen on my design in the first place, calling my ideas "bizarre". Well, not everyone wants a fluffy, flowery wedding cake, am I right? What's wrong with a nifty pattern in untraditional colors? Whatever, I will not allow him to stifle my creativity, and if it turns out to be shit I really don't care.

Yeah, I will rejoice when school is done, then comes the stress of figuring out what comes next. I was getting a little sad and sappy yesterday thinking of dispersing from Betsy, Jake and Kat (despite our differences), I have a ton of fun with these people and have made many cool new acquaintances in the past year or so since I met Betsy, makes me feel young again. Oh well, that is still a ways away, I shouldn't dwell on the sadness but live each moment to the fullest. Oh yeah.

party pic potpourri

Betsy and Ben, and Jake in the background

Cassie, me and Mary Kay trying to look like bad ass rockers, MK and Cassie look bad ass.

Emily, who was our summer roommate, and me looking hideous

There's my lovely roommates, Jake and Kathleen

Kevin and Taylor and Betsy

Mod cookies I made, aren't I swell

An Elvis cookie, again, I'm so swell

cold

So we're having a bit of a cold snap here in MN, and the furnace broke yesterday, and apparently the part to fix it cannot be obtained until tomorrow. It seems odd that a furnace can't be fixed on a Saturday, especially when it is as cold as it is. The landlord gave us a couple space heater, which, in our quite large apartment really doesn't warm up the place, I selfishly snatched one for my room last night though and my room was pretty toasty, and tonight I'm going to steal, I mean borrow a couple from work.

Our party was a smashing success, tons of people made an appearance (but not too many), we had lots of yummy food, nifty decorations, everyone was cool except for our neighbor who turned out to be creepy, people dressed up appropriately for the theme, Betsy and Kathleen arranged a sweet mix. Frankly I'm not confident that it can be topped, but I'm sure we'll try.

My affection for Lance continues to grow as I get to know him, he is super nice and very willing to help out which I very much appreciate, he's a good man.

sharing my random thoughts/irritations on nothing per usual

Perhaps I'd be better off living alone...our house looks nice though, we decorated for the party so almost everything of Lance's is put away. I will try to stop complaining/judging his aesthtic taste, I'm sure he thinks it neat and off-the-wall funky or whatever, and why wouldn't others like it? Olivia never liked my style when we lived together, so well, I guess it works all ways.
I have decided that post me hosting book club in a couple weeks, I'm going to stop cleaning common areas. Apparently it is thought by some in our home that Betsy and I are messier then some other's in our home so we deserve to clean more, hmmm, I rarely cook at home, if I do it is mac and cheese which doesn't require much mess-making, I always wash my own dishes, and often those of others, wipe down kitchen surfaces even if I didn't dirty them, even if I wiped them the night before, came home the next day without laying a finger on nary an item in the kitchen, and found the stove/counter to be dirty again I will -again- wipe it clean. I will stop sweeping, mopping and cleaning the bathrooms, etc. Sorry, I'm a bit pissed and venting, and I need to live by myself I think, ahhh, but it is so much cheaper to live with a roommate, with generally more space and amenities. I truly love my roommates, well, I don't quite know Lance well enough to feel very affectionate towards him at this point, but I do feel somewhat unappreciated at this very moment.

But I'm also MN nice so hell if I'll ever confront anybody...I mean it did take me a couple weeks to get up the nerve to be straight with Lance about not liking his masks. I do often prefer to go the passive aggressive route, hence instead of saying "I feel hurt/unnappreciated/exhausted when you say I should clean more than you even if my dead skin cells don't contribute to the dust/grime in the house any more than yours do, and I spend much of my limited spare time cleaning common areas while you sit on your duff" I will passively agressively stop cleaning any mess that I did not contribute to.

My instructor at school looked at my wedding cake ideas (we have to do a three tier wedding cake for our final project) and asked me if I'm a "dark" person. I'm not sure why, perhaps because in our lottery of cake shapes I chose heart shape and was sad until he offered up a hexagon shape which I eagerly grabbed, or because I want to use dark colors and patterns instead of something flowery. Who knows, I will say though that I feel most comfortable with this instructor more so than with any other teacher/professor, which is weird because the guy seems like he'd be super critical and is really hard to read because he doesn't have much for facial expression. Anyways, just thought I'd share I guess.

slowly but surely

We've been successfully eliminating Lance's decor from our walls, and with each piece that comes off the wall I feel a bit lighter. First, the shower curtain over the bathroom window, then the beach towel in the dining room, last night I asked if we could take down the craft fair masks, and he's like "oh sure, I just bought them at the dollar store, no big deal" (like just about everything else he buys) well, then why, for all that is good and right do you keep hanging this ahem, crap on the wall as if hanging random crap is in good taste. Although I feel much better then I did yesterday about the state of our home there is still issues to be addressed, like the weird cartooney/computer drawn animal calendar that he hung in the living room the other night, then asked Betsy and I "did you see that I hung a calendar" to which he received a probably look of distaste from me and a non-enthused "yeah" from Betsy. I wanted to scream, "Please, just stop, I can't take anymore of this, please" until I'm reduced to lying on the floor crying and whimpering my soft, tired pleas. The kicker is that he told Betsy that he wants to be an interior designer. I mean, not to say we don't want to incorporate some of his things, but he went to town filling our walls, so we are merely trying to reclaim a sense of our home, one that includes Lance but is not overtaken by him.

Other than that, and his taking over the spare room to watch movies nonstop (seriously he's in there every night for hours, forget about the rest of us watching a movie, tv or reading for that matter), he's been, all things considered, a good roomate, he seems at ease with us, easy to talk to, but also keeps to himself plenty, clean, willing to share, not extremely annoying, etc.

Despite my best efforts to give the annoying girl in class the cold shoulder, I ended up giving in to a bit of a chat, not altoghether unfriendly, in the locker room after class yesterday. Since she talks constantly during class and therefore shared an anecdote about her friend's ugly wedding cake (with fiberoptics, which I though sounded pretty cool actually), well, she had some photos of it to show us gals, and after seeing the photos I still thought the fiberoptics were kinda neat (it was a poor quality photo so I didn't really see the actual cake. Anyways, I'm probably mostly acting childish, I mean, I still don't particularly like her and I think she was extremely rude to me, but it's also this element of my instructor going on and on about her being an artist, and I kinda want to stamp my foot and be like, but I can draw and paint good too. Then I realize I don't actually want to do that, since I would put more pressure on myself then I already do, and feel like people are judging me more harshly as well, and since I'm not feeling super confident in this class so far, I'll keep my tantrum/envy to myself.

Aren't I just a ray of sunshine and judgement lately, I need sleep/rest/relaxation.

not sure that hate is too strong a word

Yesterday I had a pretty bad day at school, I screwed up, was near tears, then was given constructive criticism on my piping skills, which almost made the tears start flowing (even though my instructor wasn't being harsh at all, I was just frustrated and stressed), then I screwed up again after already being very far behind, then the tears came and I had to just wash dishes. I'm not usually one for breakdowns or public tears, so I was somewhat embarrassed, plus this is the first time I've had this teacher and only the 2nd week of class, I hope he doesn't think I'm a crybaby, I must say he was very understanding and encouraging.

Remember when I mentioned the know-it-all artist girl in my class? Well, she again was babbling on during lecture about her friend's wedding cake and how it was ugly because it had fiberoptics (I was thinking cool, if I get married I would seriously consider having fiberoptics on my cake, totally retro). Anywho, so that was irritating, but she really earned a spot in my bitch book when I was sweeping the floor, granted, I'm not exactly speedy at just about anything I do, I prefer a more relaxed pace, but I was using what little muscle I had to really try to bring up the caked up stuff stuck to the floor, and trying to be thorough. Well, she comes over, snatches the broom from me (at this point I'm just about done sweeping), and says, "Sorry sweetie, this just isn't cutting it for me" I should have grabbed the broom back and broomed her in the ass, but instead I stood there appalled that anyone would behave in such a manner towards me. Then she proceeds to "power broom" which apparently consists of her flailing the broom about, most likely sending dirt everywhere, it was just completely ridiculous. Myself and a few classmates stayed after to finish up various things, she being one of them and she's chatting with the Chef about how she thinks she's not good at cake decorating and how that's why she dropped out of Art school. Ha! she couldn't hack art school, it made me chuckle to myself, thinking about how much praise I got from my profs. Okay, I'm being petty now, but I don't care, I'm tired.

at it again

I come home yesterday to find that Lance has hung a towel in our dining room. I had a piece of decorative fabric, mostly to just take up wall space I wasn't to attached to it being there or anything, but apparently Lance thought it "ugly" and in it's stead, put up a beach towel with a moon and sun, an, in my opinion, ugly beach towel at that. Plus, it's an f-ing towel! I don't understand this man and his love for unnattractive things, and also his lack of understanding that some, probably most people don't like his "style", I mean, it's pretty eclectic to say the least. He's a very nice person, and I feel like I've gotten to know him better the past couple days, but I do have beef with him throwing all this random shit on our walls without consulting us first. He also used a shower curtain as a regular curtain in the bathroom. Need I say more.

goal accomplished (almost)

I have nearly accomplished painting my room, it is yellow, I'm not quite sure I love the color, but it is nice and warm and makes me happy, roommate Kathleen put a damper on my mood though by saying she thought it didn't look good with my already brown wall. I however, must remember that she chose a lavendar bathmat for our bathroom which consists of the colors green, brown, and a kinda mustardy color I think, so I shouldn't take too much stock in her opinion on color.

Betsy made this sweet ass poster type thing on photoshop for our party, it is so sweet, she should do this for a living, check it out. That's me on the left dressed as a rocker, don't I look cool and tough? She also added voice balloons with funny brit slang, such as "it's the dog's bollocks" but I'm afraid someone will come and kill us since it has our address on it, y'all get the jist.

musings on irritation and rejection

There is this really annoying girl in my class, for my program I'm basically with the same students for the whole year, but there is a new girl. She's an artist, so my instructor pointed this out and talked about how he too, likes to draw and scupt. Well, he starts demonstrating how to mix colors, and art girl gets all know-it-all about color theory. I found it to be distracting and not helpful (more confusing) unless we were getting a lecture on color theory, which we were not.

Anywho, I got to see the dude who rejected me last night that I kinda like, who was on the same bill as my roommate's band last night. Ok, technically he didn't right out reject me, I wasn't like "I really like you, you know, in that way" and he said well, I think you suck, it was more like I asked him to do something over the holidays, he said he'd like to but he was busy, I said well let me know when you aren't busy, then he just didn't respond. So I took that as a rejection, whether purposeful, or indifference, doesn't really matter. He seemed pleased to see me last night, so I guess I'll take his rejection as indifference rather than purposeful, which I guess is good, sorta.

We are officially hosting our Mods v Rockers party 2 weeks from tomorrow, should be an excellent time.

if that's what you really want

We have been sans internet access for a couple days now. When Sarah left, she took the internet with her, but no worries, we thought, we can just steal it from our neighbors upstairs. After a couple weeks of feeling bad, I asked my housemates if they would be opposed to offering to split the cost with them, actually, I knew that they knew we were using their internet, and I didn't want them to get pissed and password protect it, and of course it seemed the right thing to do. So after knocking, I left them a friendly note offering to pay, this was prior to Christmas. We heard nothing, so we figured perhaps they didn't care that we were stealing their internet and went on our merry way. Then the other night we find that the internet requires a password, hmmm. Then I come home to find a note taped to our door, probably at least 3 weeks after I left them the original note (which was on the other side of the paper). The note explains how they had to put a password on because their internet was crashing a lot due to overusage (I don't know if just us or other surrounding neighbors). Anyways, it went on to say that they would let us in on it and split the cost, after writing "we (underlined 3 times) did pay for the router and modem". I was slightly put off by the tone of the note, especially since we confessed to using their internet, offered to pay, and they could have easily password protected it from the start, or after they knew we were using it. I show the note to Betsy and Kathleen, Kat flips the note over (which has my orginal note) and written along the top is "go to hell". I mean, did we really deserve such harshness? Do we deserve eternal damnation for using their internet for a couple weeks before offering to chip in for the cost? So the three of us sit there and stew over their passive aggressive note, how they could have easily approached us and said no, we don't want you to use it or password protected it, responded to us in any way actually instead of ignoring our note for a good three weeks and then being pissed about it. We came to the conclusion that they just think we are lame, they all go to art school, and we aren't hipster, arty, or poser enough for their taste, we are just plain too geeky to be embraced into their coolness. In the end though, we gave them money for last month and this month, mostly because we don't want to buy a router, plus Mpls is supposedly going wireless in the next few months.

Betsy and I also discussed that we need to approach Lance soon about his decor. We agree that our home makes us depressed and that we'd be embarrassed to have friends over. Lance is so nice though, I don't want to hurt his feelings. We also discussed how nobody cleans our house except for us and how frustrating it is. It's frustrating when I'm cleaning the mess they've left in the kitchen, or washing the "unclaimed" dishes and they're sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, then leisurely laying around internet surfing, then cooking and making another mess in the kitchen that doesn't get cleaned. Betsy and I are on the same page at least.

Getting back into the swing of things as far as school goes. I have hope for the future, if I turn out to be any good at cake decorating, I can make pretty decent money. I was feeling discouraged for a while that I would be done with school and take a major pay cut. That's if I'm good at cake decorating, after decorating our cakes yesterday I wasn't so sure, but I had a good time trying. I'm very pleased with my teammates, we rocked on Monday, we kicked out those genoise with ease and finesse (it's a tempermental batter). I embarrassed myself by sending out a cloud of powdered sugar when making cake icing by putting the mixer on too high of a speed, there was powdered sugar everywhere, my instructor chuckled at me.

disaster

I made an attempt at accomplishing my goal, which failed miserably, almost made me cry and has left me with a headache. To try and be budget concious, Betsy and I trekked to the paintstore to check out their mis-tints, I found a couple colors, decided to try mixing them, ended up with crayola flesh color, and though I didn't get very far before deciding that I abhorred the color I still felt like I wasted my entire Saturday. I'm not deterred however, I'm ready to try again next weekend, and triumph. Our home still looks like a badly decorated college dorm room, I'm not sure how to tactfully tell Lance that we think his things are ugly without hurting his feelings, I'm not good at such things.

I was just thinking last week, I'm sure glad that as old and shitty as my car is, at least it doesn't have exhaust issues, which is embarrassing, and expensive, especially if you get a ticket. Anyways, of course this week I notice my car is a bit louder then usual. Supposedly I have some sort of warranty for my muffler, but my guess is that the shop will somehow absolve themselves of responsibility for that. In any case...I'm trying to decide whether it'd be more worth it to purchase another beater, one that has all windows intact and working door handles instead of investing more money into my beater, of which I'm quite fond, but it may be time to part ways.

Start school again tomorrow, blech, I'm dissapointed at the amount of homework I have doing this culinary thing, I was expecting little to none, not that any of it is difficult really, just time consuming.

pics potpourri cont...

I look especially dorkalicious in this photo

Jenni and Sal dance with gusto

We are supposed to look like turtles

Getting our booze on per usual

Let's assess...

Sallow and unfortunate complexion, lack of eyebrow grooming (and lets be honest, hair in general), limp, lackluster hair/coon eyes due to sweatiness, embarrassing behavior both whilst drunk and sober....

I guess my hope will have lie in my decent rack.

pic potpourri cont...

Some tender moments while celebrating the new year......

Jenni and Todd

MS flava and Sally

Todd and Michael

Cassie and me..

picture potpourri

First, the fam..

There's me, my nephew the Tedmeister, and niece Clara (she's a cutie, ain't she). After further reflection, I've concluded that Teddy is in fact, a genius (takes after his auntie S'dizzle I think), note the faroff gaze, the intense train chewing, sure signs of an advanced mind, or a "special" mind, not sure at this point.

Tedmeister reaching for some bubbles, special bubbles you can hold in your hand. Quite fun actually, but they leave an unpleasant residue.

My sister Romaine and Clara. Romaine absolutely abhors having her pic taken, so I felt lucky to snap this, and be able to post it.

There's my mother and baby Noah, he's a chunky one, a bit jowly.

And my sister Noelle with her baby boy, he's a cutie ain't he.

queer and here pt. 2

Okay, so apparently Kathleen told Lance to just hang stuff up and we'd figure it out later..so he didn't just start hanging stuff willy nilly without our input.

Also, he offered to let us watch his gay porn... ahem, I mean extensive movie collection anytime we want to.

he's queer and he's here

I arrived home from work yesterday to find that Lance had "decorated" and my first thought was sweet jesus. He doesn't quite posess the stereotypical "queer eye" so to speak, his style would be more eclectic and well, haphazard pretty much, basically take any strange/cheesy/random looking object and stick it on the wall. The weird thing is that he just went to town while we were all at work yesterday, I mean, we don't have much for wall decor so I appreciate additions, but perhaps he could consult the other's who live there first. For example, instead of arranging your five or six party masks (kinda like the one's you'd make in elementary school, with feathers and beads and stuff) on the wall directly across my room so that they are the first thing to shock me from my slumber each morning, perhaps they could be hung in our ugly spare room which could handle some kitsch and use some color. He does have a couple of cool items, but some things I'm sorry, they are well, not attractive in my opinion. Some of his own art which is nice, but isn't framed so it's just a painting tacked to the wall. It's all very collegey I guess, and being 27, soon to be 28, I'd like a little more put together apartment, but whatever, what's important is that we all just get along, and that the ugly masks are moved elsewhere. The plastic sun (with a matching moon) was close to hideous til we discovered that with a push of a button it sings "I can see clearly now" or whatever that song is called, the moon is broken unfortunately.

fine then

Okay, my poll was a flop as expected. I conceded to the friday evening party.

Can't help it. . .must bitch about work. Basically I hate nurses, I hate how they don't do what is required of them, then we (myself and other support staff) have to fix their mistakes, and how they continue to make the same mistakes overandoverandoverandoverandover again without repurcussion and despite me asking them overandoverandover again to please not make that mistake anymore. Meanwhile if we support staff make a mistake, we are expected to stop continuing to make the same mistake or face this thing called a consequence.

Our roommate Lance moved in this weekend. He may be a bit more flaming then he admitted to, but other than that he's super friendly and seems to be pretty laid back. We on Pleasant Ave. believe firmly that being laid back is the absolute most desireable quality of a roommate. He has books with dirty pictures of naked men and wants to bring us gals to all the gay hotspots, and Jake too I suppose, though Jake would probably decline. He's going to teach us how and where to club, I can't wait.

Hmmm, despite wanting to lay about doing absolutely nothing last night in recovery from the weekend, I went to my mom's to have a short visit with my sister Romaine, Phil, Teddy and Clara, since they had to change their Christmas plans due to weather. Teddy is a little behind developmentally, but at the age of four? (or is he five?), he's almost making complete sentences, still in diapers though. Clara liked me, she wanted to kiss me. It's funny to see my parents with their grandkids, hugging and kissing, I'm like, since when did you people enjoy showing physical affection? I felt weird hugging my cabbage patch because I'm not sure I even knew what a hug was at the age of 7/8ish.

Just don't think kids are in the cards for me, I fear a saggier rack then I already have, and my rack may very well be my one beauty (other then my magnetic personality, ha! as if that gets me real far), I don't even really have a magnetic personality, although it says so when I read about my zodiac. Although every once in a while I think it might be fun to try my hand at rearing a person, but that's veeery theoretical.

a poll and a goal

First, the poll....I realize that myself and like 2 or 3 other people read this here blog, but if anyone who may happen upon it by googling partylite sucks or marky mark wants to add there 2 cents, I'd appreciate it. My question...Is it better to host a party on Friday or Saturday evening? I'm of the opinion that Saturday is the more ideal day, one has the whole day to prepare, most people have Sat. off so they are more rested and rarin' to go, I personally often enjoy an evening in Friday night after a long week, but Sat. I can muster the energy for funhaving. My roommates, specifically Betsy and Kathleen, are in the Friday camp, Betsy claims that she gets excited to go out on Fridays and likes to keep her Saturdays more low-key, and they feel more people make an appearance on friday. I'm not buying it, and I don't want our place to look like a dump because nobody's taken the time during the week to clean or prepare. Plus we are having a theme and that gives folks an entire afternoon to dress appropriately. Anyways, I'm sure to be outvoted unless someone backs me up here, though I want honest opinions, however, I expect zero response anyways.

My goal is to paint my room on Saturday. This has been a long-standing goal, and the more time that passes, the stupider it seems to paint a room that will have to be repainted in 6 months. So, if I do not accomplish this goal by January 31st, I will deem myself a failure and my room will be white and bland.

I have sore and stiff legs as a result of making a fool out of myself on New Years Eve. Besides my embarrassment the following morning, I had a wonderful time per usual in the windy city, got the royal treatment from hosts MS flava and Sally, smoked a little, drank a little, ya know how I roll. Pics to be posted soon hopefully.